Welcome to the Dark Lords first ever installment of the Putrid Rankings. Here I will sort NFL teams in descending order based on their overall putridness. Win/loss record is a factor but not an overwhelming one. Team dsyfunction and abysmal play factor in also. The Dark Lord also takes great stock in team distractions. Now on to the rankings!
32. Colts (5-0): Team harmony is at an all time high as the Colts seem to roll on despite missing key contributors on offense. Not to mention being the only team in NFL history to start 5-0 in 3 consecutive seasons. It makes me want to vomit.
31. Cowboys (5-0): They must have the Dark One's own luck, winning despite turning the ball over and over again in a very ugly game. Why isn't T.O. wreaking havoc in the locker room? I'm going to have to check into that.
30. Titans (3-1): At one time the Titans would have ranked much higher on my Putrid Rankings with the "stomping" incident and the Pac Man Jones saga. Unfortunately Jeff Fisher has this team playing above expectations and Vince Young continues to win despite pitiful play.
29. Steelers (4-1): This team is a fraud. Tomlin has them playing like a championship team but they will soon fall from their pedestal. Tougher competition will expose them.
28. Redskins (3-1): The Redskins completely destroyed the Lions and made the profoundly boring Jason Campbell look like a pro bowler. Don't get your hopes up Redskins fans, Campbell doesn't have what it takes to take you back into the promised land.
27. Buc's (3-2): The Colts exposed this team for what they really are, a bunch of lucky and overachieving fools. Honestly, you can't believe that the worlds most ugliest player, Jeff Garcia, is the answer do you?
26. Patriots (5-0): Once again the Patriots are being accused of being a classless and dirty team. It brings a dark smile to my face. If it walks like a cheat, smell like a cheat and talks like a cheat then guess what it is silly mortals? The New England Patriots! Also the fact that the Browns actually put up 17 points on the Pats is pathetic.
25. Packers (4-1): Once again losing in "legendary" Lambeau field to the abysmal Bears hints at the true character of this team. 5 turnovers and 12 penalties show you idiotic cheese heads how good this team really is. Favre needs to start doubling up his HGH.
24. Texans (3-2): Somehow this "storied" losing franchise is improving. Even missing their top offensive weapon Matt Schaub is doing what David Carr never could. Ugh, it makes me want to scream! Hopefully the Jags pound this team into a bloody pulp. I can't stomach the Texans with a winning record.
23. Browns (2-3): Derek Anderson is doing his damndest to keep their "savior" Brady Quinn on the bench and it is nothing short of miraculous. Even the Browns loss to the Pats wasn't as god-awful as it should have been. The Pats should have been wearing the skins of the Browns as trophies. It boggles the mind.
22. Jaguars (3-1): This team is an enigma. I suspect this team is capable of playing very well and winning at least 10 games but something is just not right. Here's one idea: The Jags are playing just well enough to get the well dressed Jack del Rio fired. The team secretly hates him.
21. Seahawks (3-2): Is it just the Dark Lords imagination or has the quality of play from RB Shaun Alexander declined greatly since signing his new multi-million dollar contract? Whatever it is, the 'Hawks were beaten like they stole something by the Steelers.
20. Giants (3-2): Three straight wins has me worrying over Tom Coughlins job security. He will never get fired at this rate. Come on Eli, you can do it! Throw some back breaking INT's and rid yourself of Coughlin forever!
19. Jets (1-4): I would have ranked them higher, after all their record is atrocious, a QB controversy is brewing and Mangini is a dirty rat but keeping them next to the Giants gives me perverse pleasure. Take that New York!
18. Raiders (2-2): The Raiders are the only team without a losing record in their division and have given Raider Nation hope. Will somebody please shoot me? Nothing pains me more than a drunk and happy Raider fan. Those thugs should stick to stabbing people and getting arrested.
17. 49'ers (2-3): With a RB named Gore you would think the niners would be out butchering people. Unfortunately for festive niner fans its quite the opposite. The Niners have lost their "savior" for the year and are going down the drain fast. At least the head coach is well dressed. Now if we can work some rainbows into his outfit...
16. Chargers (2-3): Aside from terminating the teams head coach, and losing their offensive and defensive coordinators and hiring perpetual loser Norv Turner, the Chargers are in great shape to win the division. That should tell you how terrible the AFC West is.
15. Ravens (3-2): The Ravens have no offense of any kind and their once feared "D" is just a shadow of its former self. McNair is a walking injury and Brian Billick is still living off his superbowl victory. Somebody stick a fork in this team, they're done.
14. Chiefs (2-3): Herm Edwards skill at deception and sabotage nearly rival my own. After ruining a promising Jets team, he blackmails his way out of the contract and proceeds to try to destroy Larry Johnson and cripple the Chiefs for years. The fact that he allowed his work to be shown on HBO only hints at his evil arrogance. That is my kind of mortal.
13. Lions (3-2): See what happens when you play on the side of good Jon Kitna? You get slammed back into reality once again. But whats another concussion to you? Good luck on your opponent this week, the bye is looking for an easy win and your up.
12. Panthers (3-2): Any team that starts the delicatly gloved and well groomed David Carr is doomed. The Dark Lord pities you sorry Panther fans.
11. Eagles (1-3): The Dark Lord hates Donovan McNabb. The constant whine that emits from his mouth makes me want to shove a dull letter opener into his eyes. McNabb, you suck because your old, your knees are destroyed and your team is as dysfunctional as Andy Reid's son, not because your a black QB. Get over it.
10. Cardinals (3-2): Unless the Card's are playing in an arena field, Warner is not leading them anywhere. Except maybe back to the grand canyon to commit mass suicide. I almost feel for Matt Leinart; Falling to the Cards was just as bad as being drafted first by the Texans.
9. Broncos (2-3): The Broncos were humiliated and utterly destroyed at home last week. Their star free agent RB failed another drug test and faces a year long suspension and Cutler is not turning into Elway anytime soon. Well at least Henry will have more time to spend with his kids. Or smoke weed. Whatever.
8. Bills (1-4): They were practically gift wrapped the victory and still found a way to blow it. Bills fan across the nation should shoot themselves in the head. Their is no hope. Edwards looked promising till he found a way to be a true Buffalo Bill and lose the game for them. Good luck tring to get past this one Buffalo.
7. Bengals (1-3): The Bengals narrowly escaped the bye week without a loss and bravely suit up for sunday. Lets just hope the Cheifs don't score 56 points on them.
6. Bears (2-3): Is it just me or does Lovie Smith look just like Deebo from the movie Friday? Anyway, benching Grossman was a step in the right direction but starting Griese was just another step back. Hey good news, Briggs wants to remain a Bear. Thats if they meet his contract demands. The Bears just aren't that good.
5. Falcons (1-4): Signing Leftwich is not the answer. The Falcons are just barking up the wrong tree. This team is hopeless. Petrino needs to ditch this sinking ship before its to late. Harrington is just as bad as ever. Forget his game against the Panthers; Every dog has his day. Focus on getting some money back from Vick. That should make you guys play better.
4. Vikings (1-3): Leave it to the Vikings to recognize something that works and then stray away from it. Peterson is the real deal! Use him! Why do I even bother? Look for the Vikes to air it out in another loss this sunday.
3. Dolphins (0-5): Why all this hubbub over Trent Green? I say let him play! And if his brain is smeared all over the field who cares? Its not like anybody is watching the Dolphins play anyway.
2. Rams (0-5): The Rams can't run the ball, can't pass the ball, can't stop the run and don't even attempt a pass rush. This team has already given up on the season. #1 draft pick here we come!
1. Saints (0-4): Oh how the mighty have fallen. From Cinderella story to ugly step sister the Saints are the worst disapointment in NFL history. Highly over rated Reggie Bush is scared to get hit, Brees has reverted to being a failure and the Saints "D" was buried along with last season. Time to move this franchise out of Louisana hell and into Los Angeles!