Welcome back my loyal, yet depraved, followers to my column. This week I turn my ire and disgust at the hated New England Patriots. How I hate the Patriots and everything they stand for. The weekly hype and hysteria covering the Patriots is overwhelming and idiotic to say the least. They have already been crowned the champions of the NFL and it is barely October! Indeed, some foolish mortals have begun mentioning the Patriots and undeafeated season in the same breath!
You are indeed fools if you believe that. Well the Dark Lord is fed up with the Patriots and will put them in their place once and for all! Listed below, in no particular order, are some of the biggest reasons why the Dark Lord hates the New England Patriots!
The constant and overwhelming praise from front running announcers and so called "experts". I am beginning to notice very dark, brown patches over the nose area of many ESPN analysts, and I suspect rampant brown-nosing is to blame for that malady. A foul stench is emanating from Bristol and its not only their idiotic commentary. At the very least wipe your noses clean when your done.
Bill Belichick or should I say BeliCHEAT! That disgusting excuse for a human mortal has put a dark cloud over the entire organization that is almost as dark as the black underarm sweat rings in his hooded sweatshirt. Has their ever been a more vile head coach? For being a so called genius the man can't work a simple washing machine. The Dark Lord actually loved Belicheats excuse for cheating, but I suspect a real genius would have a much better reading comprehension than that. To label Belicheat as a genius and compare him to true great coaches such as Bill Walsh should be a crime punishable by death! If Belicheat is a genius at anything it would be cheating and then lying about it! The stench of Belicheats trickery has placed a permanent shadow of doubt over the Patriots championships and has devalued them for all of eternity in my soulless eyes.
Bill Simmons, also known as the Sports Guy. Has there ever been a bigger "homer" than him. The fool practically devotes his entire column to the Patriots on a weekly basis. Simmons is the most shameless homer in all of sports! From his countless defending of Belicheat and his biased power rankings, which incidentally always has the Patriots in the top spot, Simmons is a disgrace to nonbiased sports coverage and should be dragged into the street and beaten to death with the Patriots own Lombardi trophies. I could think of no better end for the so called Sports Guy. In fact, Patriots fans in general are the most obnoxious fans in the world. Those loud mouth losers should all be dragged into the streets by their Patriot replica jerseys and shot. The world would be a better place.
The entire Patriots defense is on HGH. They have to be. Only the most ignorant or blind fan would fail to see that. The Patriots defense is playing at a pro bowl level and even once retired players are playing at an elite level. What nobody wants to mention is how are the Patriots doing it? Its simple really, they inject themselves with undetectable performance enhancing drugs. Do you think Belicheat wouldn't stoop to that level. Winning at all costs is the only thing that matters to him. Have you looked at the Patriots defense. The defense is OLD. Almost all there defensive starters are over 30 years old! Lets see, Tedy Bruschi born in 1973, Roosevelt Colvin born in 1977, Rodney Harrison born in 1972, Junior Seau 1969, Adalius Thomas 1977, and Mike Vrable born in 1975. For those of you mortals weak in math, anybody born in 1977 is or will be 30 years old this year! Performance should decline once mortals hit 30 not improve. The Dark Lord has peered into the future and soon it will come to light that at least three members of this defense will be found guilty of steroid use.
Tom Brady's pimp status. I hate the Patriots for the simple fact that Brady can go and inpregnate super models seemingly at will. Damn his boyish good looks! And to settle the Manning vs. Brady debate, lets judge by which QB gets the most supermodels pregnant. I think we all know now who the better quarterback really is. But in all seriousness, who cares? The Dark Lord hates them both.
The Patriots lack of class. Now, not only being confirmed cheaters the Patriots are also trying to show the world exactly how classless they really are. Running up the score in defiance of the cheating accusations is just one of the many acts of classlessness that the Patriots have displayed and it won't be the last. Trust me, the Patriots will pay for running up the score. Come back to me when the Patriots lose to Indy in the playoffs and fail once again to reach the superbowl despite rampant cheating.
I must get a hold of myself now. The depth of my hatred for the...ugh...Patriots knows no boundaries and I could easily spoil the entire day discussing there merits or lack thereof. Join me next time my loyal followers as I continue my weekly column with the reasons why the Dark Lord Hates Kobe Bryant.