Wherein I Order Jeff Weaver To Clean Out His Locker ... | Troy O'Leary's Cow

Today my fantasy team jettisons Jeff Weaver for the second, and absolutely last, time.

I paid a lot for him in 2003 (7-9, 5.99 ERA, 1.62 WHIP, thank you very little). I paid only a small sum for him this year as an "end-gamer" (after last night's shelling at home against the Royals, 0-4, 18.26 ERA, 3.09 WHIP).

This time I mean it. Never again.

Here are just some of the things I would do rather than own Jeff Weaver again:

Swan dive from the "Monster Seats" at Fenway
Re-enact the "hotel scene" in Borat opposite Bob Wickman
Inject my eyeballs with Barry Bonds' cattle-muscle steroid
Hitch a ride with Tony LaRussa in a bar parking lot
Root for the Yankees
Call Delmon Young out on strikes
Let Gary Sheffield use my head as a batting tee
Invest money with the M's exec who gave Dream Weaver $8 million this season
"Take one for the team" with Joel Zumaya on the mound
Schedule my summer vacation in Iraq
Call Ron Artest a "punk" and lie that I slept with his sister
Get between C.C. Sabathia and his next meal
Own Jorge Julio on my fantasy team
Refuse to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know
Have my head nailed to the floor by Dinsdale Pirhana
Hand the ball to Bob Stanley Mitch Williams Byung-Hyun Kim with the World Series on the line
Negotiate a trade with Albert (guy in my fantasy league)
Go hunting with Vice President Cheney
Tell Joe Pesci to go home and get his shine-box
Wear a Johnny Damon Yankees jersey at the L Street Tavern in Southie
Live in a nuclear war aftermath dystopia hiding from H-Ks and terminators
Be reincarnated as Tony Conigliaro's left eye
Play catcher without a cup
Let my kids spend time with Peyton Manning
Own Jae Seo on my fantasy team
Plunge the jagged edge of my Alex Gonzalez broken bat through my corroded artery
Eat a meal at Mendy's with Kenny Bania
Watch a ballgame at The Trop

I'm not saying I hope he accidentally walks into an open manhole cover. Let's just say if it happens, the Weaver Family won't be receiving a condolence card from me.

Good riddance, Jeff. I hate you with a passion that blazes with the fire of a thousand suns.

Comments (6) Add A Comment

April 30, 2007 01:03 AM ET

Report Abuse | QUOTE

Come july you will be picking him back up when he's traded back to the Cards to replace Carpenter after he checks in for his next stint on the DL. Don't worry, we all will be picking him up : )

Mo_Vaughn's_Pimp_Glo…

Leominster , MA

Total Comments (178)

April 30, 2007 02:41 PM ET

Howard: I love it! Special recognition for "Let my kids spend time with Peyton Manning," and the Ron Artest dare. I will add that I like Delmon Young and have completely forgiven him... which is out of character for me to do, so I won't dwell on it.

Re: Weaver... my brother & I picked him up in our 12-team-AL-only rotisserie league for $3. My brother said that was the best pick up for the price when we drafted him and I am letting him take the full-brunt of the criticism since... I, on the otherhand, contended that Ramon Ortiz for $1 was our best pickup.

Regarding rotisserie leagues, do most leagues include geographically diverse owners? I am the ONLY non-Pacific NW coaster in our league (including my brother), and I think it is AWESOME that those guys draft up every living player in the Seattle organization (I am surprised they didn't draft Seattle's Single A coach!).

Anyway, loved the blog.

chicago al

Total Comments (336)

April 30, 2007 02:52 PM ET

Wow, watch a game at the Trop. That's going some. Here's the oxymoron question Howard: How can it be a Fantasy team if it has Jeff Weaver on it?

Arthur Pincus

Total Comments (783)

April 30, 2007 04:14 PM ET

Art asks a fair question.

I only call it "fantasy" because it's evolved as more of a ubiquitous name for the hobby over the years. My league goes back so far, however (over 20 years), we still call it by the "old school" name -- rotisserie baseball (named for "La Rotisserie" restaurant in NYC, where the inventors devised the rules).

Which brings me to something else I'd rather do than own Jeff Weaver -- skewer myself onto a rotisserie and slowly cook.

Howard Camerik

Weston, FL

Total Comments (123)

April 30, 2007 05:00 PM ET

ahh, the lawyer in you answering the rhetorical, oxymoronical question. La Rotisserie, indeed. Restaurant long gone but its namesake thrives. Great and very funny post, by the way.