When Philles fan Matthew Clemmens had the inspiration to stick his fingers down his throat and puke all over his neighbors, with whom he was having a dispute, during a baseball game this season, he augured a whole new era in that city's proud sports history.
Long envious of New York's tickertape parades, Philadelphia has been casting about for a way to honor its sports teams that would reflect its culture and personality. What better way than to have the Phillies, Eagles, Flyers and Sixers cruise down Market Street in open top convertibles while their adoring admirers unleash steaming torrents of hot vomit from the windows above?
Philadelphia's civic leaders have already embraced this principle. Plans are in the works for a remake of "Rocky", wherein the hero pukes all over the ring, forcing Apollo Creed to slip and slide in the slick vomit, banging his head on the floor and knocking himself out. When Rocky embraces his girlfriend at the end of the movie, the two of them puke all over each other for a touching, romantic finale.
At the urging of the civic authorities, Elton John has already agreed to change to lyrics of "Philadelphia Freedom" to "Phillie Cheesesteak Pukedom". The Liberty Bell is due to be replaced by The Liberty Puke, a fifty-foot pile of brass vomit with a crack in it. On the Fourth of July, the fireboats in Philadelphia harbor will shoot out arcs of red, white and blue vomit to the accompaniment of fifty flatulent fat ladies farting out "Eat and Puke Forever".
Plans are afoot to ship in an emergency supply of Phillie Cheese Steaks, calzone and egg rolls from neighboring New Jersey, a state that certainly knows something about nauseating, greasy crap, so that the fair citizens of The City of Brotherly Puke will have the ammunition to keep vomiting as the festivities continue all through the night.
Other cities have expressed an interest in following Philadelphia's innovative example of patriotic pukedom. Washington DC, the capital of nauseating nonsense, is studying plans to construct a massive monument which will play recordings of politicians' speeches interspersed with a dazzling display of dancing vomit designed by the creators of Las Vegas' Bellagio fountains.
The French, not to be outdone, hope to transform the Eiffel Tower into a gurgling gusher of vile vomit, powered by a regurgitated formula of stinky cheese and cheap red wine, which will erupt every hour, as the dancers from the Paris Opera Ballet perform the dancing elves from "L'Apr??s-midi d'un Faun" in the slippery vomit. The French, inspired by the collapse of their soccer team in the World Cup, with its consequent backbiting and recriminations, which almost destroyed French society (or what exists of it), have elected to have a ceremony where the team will be covered with vomit and garbage in a special ceremony to take place in the garden of the presidential palace.
But no city deserves a puking proliferation of putrid, vile vomit more than New York, which has witnessed the collapse of the Knicks, Nets, Giants, Jets and Mets, not to mention the national economy. For this reason, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has designated a Professional Sports Depreciation Day, where the Canyon of Heroes will be renamed the Sewer of Zeros, and New Yorkers of all social classes will be able to puke all over its sports teams from Battery Park to City Hall, where the mayor will then present them with this city's supreme award marking its appreciation for their efforts, The Key To The S#ithouse.