FanNation - The Republic of Sport

That's right, sports fans; it's the first day of round one of the Ultimate Fantasy Deathmatch Tournament!  And what a night it is for some fighting, folks, here at the famous Joe Louis Arena.  For those of you who may not be to keen on today's fantasy deathmatch scene, here's a quick overview: combatants, or teams of combatants, face off in the DREADED PENTAGON OF DOOM until the match is over.  The match is declared over when one of the opponents or opposing teams is/are dead.

Now, the rub here is that this year, you, the reader, get to tell me, the writer, who wins and who loses.  That's right, popular vote will determine the winner of each match, eventually crowing the champion.  Write me an email, post a response on the blog, do whatever you like.  I'm not going to decide who the winners are.  However, I will give the odds, as I see'em, on each match.

Round one lasts for two days, and consists of twelve total fights.  Here's the line on today's six brutal bouts:

FIGHT 1:  TOM BRADY vs. MIKE BRADY

The battle of the Brady's, a clash of the titans for the ages; who is the ultimate Brady man?

TOM BRADY

Strengths:  All-American boy, Laser/rocket arm, great chin, leading man of the New England Patriots

Weaknesses:  None really, though he may prove to have a habit of knockin' up models every now and then, and losing to Indianapolis (as seen in last years AFC Championship game.)

MIKE BRADY

Strengths:   All-American dad, vast knowledge of engineering (like lasers and rockets), great perm, leading man of the Brady Bunch.

Weaknesses:  Once again, none really, as he once defeated a violent escaped convict in one punch (as seen in the Brady Bunch Movie 2).

Odds:  3-1 Mike Brady.  Poppa Brady takes Tommy out for one final trip to school.

 

FIGHT 2:  SCRUFF MCGRUFF vs. MICHAEL VICK

It's the crime-fightin' FBI dog McGruff, against the dog-killin' crime-comittin' quarterback Michael Vick.  Will McGruff take a bite out of crime?  Or will he be brutally beaten, drowned, and electrocuted by the man who brought "electrifying" to the NFL?

SCRUFF MCGRUFF

Strengths:  He's an FBI agent, can call in backup, has special training with firearms and such, he's a dog, so he probably has heightened senses

Weaknesses:  He's a federal agent, so he's probably incompetent; he's a dog, so he probably can be distracted easily by balls, bones, bird-sh1t, and babies

MICHAEL VICK

Strengths:  Faster than the wind, moves very well, strong (left) arm, is a fairly tough person overall

Weaknesses:  Dumber than a stump, can't hit the broadside of a barn with a basketball, is susceptible to throwing away his future

Odds:  4-1 Michael Vick.  He's just too fast.

 

FIGHT 3:  RON ARTEST, STEPHEN JACKSON, AND JERMAINE O'NEAL vs. THE ENTIRE CITY OF DETROIT

In a rematch of one of the most famous sports-related brawls in history, the 'Triad' takes on the Motor City to decide who was right, once and for all.

RON ARTEST

Strengths:  Crazier than a dang jaybird, helluva jump shot, and clutch when he needs to be

Weaknesses:  Crazier than a dang jaybird, total lack of common sense, hilariously operates under the mistaken belief that he has musical talent

STEPHEN JACKSON

Strengths:  The biggest, baddest thug this side of Suge Knight, has helped the Spurs win a ring

Weaknesses:  Has the intelligence of a cucumber, will forget what he is doing if he thinks he can start a fight, prone to talking trash

JERMAINE O'NEAL

Strengths:  Strong inside the paint, great rebounder, quick to defend his teammates from non-threatening fans rushing the court

Weaknesses: Prone to injury, constantly overshadowed by a more famous Irish-American, Shaquille O'Neal

THE CITY OF DETROIT

Strengths:  It's the city of Detroit

Weaknesses:  It's the city of Detroit

Odds:  5-1 the City of Detroit.  It's the City of Detroit, damnit.

 

FIGHT 4:  NORVE TURNER vs. DROOPY

The battle of the faces only a mother could love.

NORVE TURNER

Strengths:  Great offensive mind, made Troy Aikman Troy Aikman, seems like a swell guy

Weaknesses:  Can't coach his way out of bed, horrible skin, seems like a total b1tch

DROOPY

Strengths:  Total invulnerability, able to be blown up, crushed, and sent to China only to reappear second later behind his assailant, asking "Going up, sir?"

Weaknesses:  No known weaknesses.

Odds:  2-1 Droopy Dog.  Nothing can destroy Droopy Dog.

 

FIGHT 5:  THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN vs. THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

Who's the money, after all?

"THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN" TED DIBIASE

Strengths:  Worth at least one million dollars, extremely devious, possesses possibly the greatest evil laugh in the history of evil itself, down with Jesus

Weaknesses:  Was a pro-wrestler, still sports a totally 80s haircut, finishing move didn't exactly inspire fear in his enemies (the million dollar dream was a sleeper hold)

"THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN" STEVE AUSTIN

Strengths:  Augmented speed, strength, and senses, worth at least five million dollars more than his opponent, scored with the Bionic Woman

Weaknesses:  Feature Films, Arabs, Nielson Ratings

Odds:  3-1 Steve Austin.  Colonel Austin isn't going to give up the ghost against some former wrestler turned preacher.

 

FIGHT 6:  THE MOONIES vs. THE GOONIES

Which annoying group of miscreants owns the -oonie suffix?

THE MOONIES

Strengths:  Only people able to successfully navigate an airport unmolested, as members of a cult; they have a cult-like fanaticism to draw strength from

Weaknesses:  Their crazy Asian leader is a quack, they believe in just about the stupidest things you've ever heard

THE GOONIES

Strengths:  Various colorful personalities makes them able to overcome many situations, protected by well-meaning but scary man/beast/retard Sloth, All for one and one for all mentality, their crazy-smart Asian kid makes useful gadgets, led by Rudy

Weaknesses:  Pirates, Joe Pantoliano, Plot-consistency, Corey Feldman, Rudy ended up being a damn hobbit

Odds:  5-2 Goonies.  Never underestimate a fool with a cause.

Well, there you have it.  Who wins?  Who loses?  Who dies a horrible death?  You decide!  But, here's the catch: I'll keep posting the differnt rounds of the tourney here, as well as other places.  But to find out who wins the whole shebang, well, then you got to go to my website, www.spedrex.com.  The final results of this tourney will be exclusive to spedrex.com, so check it out and leave a response if you like/hate/go into convulsions over a post.

As always, check out www.spedrex.com for more insights and opinions!