Salugreetions, Matildegard. In honor of my latest avatar, Senor Cardgage from homestarrunner.com, I have compiled a quote from this combovered character applying to each NFL team. Some of them are a bit of a stretch, since Cardgage mostly has cameo apperances and has little more than 32 lines over the entire site.
New England Patriots
"My left name is tremendous savings, Miss America!"
Tremendous savings, as in, a 4th-round pick for the league-leading wide receiver. Look out, Miss America, this team is primed to run up the score for another 8 games.
They've been injured all over the place, notably their prized rookie Paul Posluzny, and yet they've surged back to 3-4 behind rookie QB Trent Edwards.
New York Jets
"I dan't know why. Exprecially since you have this can of peas to look forward to."
I dan't know why they took so long pulling Pennington for Clemens; since Chad was already lost on the fans, and the season was dead. However, I'm of the opinion that Clemens is the QB equivalent of a can of peas; whereas Tom Brady is a jumbo can of hearty chili.
"Let the little childrens know"
...that they'll be getting plenty of playing time in the coming weeks. The team's only offensive playmaker, Chris Chambers, was shipped off to make space for the overdrafted Ted Ginn, Jr.
"I'd have to be going, Ethel. I have some important lines to stand in."
As impressive as the Browns' season has been, they're still standing in a long line to get into the AFC playoffs, and Derek Anderson is standing in a long line for the Pro Bowl.
"Bring on down your whole fambly!"
The Rooney fambly is one of the best ownership groups in the NFL. Sorry, that's all I got for this one.
"See if you can stand to talk to me for more than four seconds."
This quote applies exclusively to Chad Johnson. Personally, I can't.
"Those like those... right?"
The first "those" refers to Ravens players, and the second refers to cupcake opponents like the Jets, Cardinals, 49ers, and Rams, against whom they've racked up their 4 wins.
"I don't see nobody taking me to Chick-Fil-A."
This is about the hype the Colts claim to not be getting. Sure, the Pats are getting taken to Chick-Fil-A, but the Colts are getting treated to KFC, metaphorically speaking. Respect is respect, a free meal is a free meal. So don't think you're getting ignored.
"Gamble around the campfire, children."
Suddenly Jack Del Rio is willing to make gutsy play calls in recent weeks, and suddenly, like a good campfire story, the Jags are more interesting to watch.
"Oh. I should...eat a pony."
As in an Indianapolis Colt. They're in the way.
They're a much improved team, but their odds of making it far, even after Andre Johnson comes back, are slim due to the fact that three of the AFC's top 5 teams are in their division.
San Diego Chargers
"Hey Grendolyn, don't bogart that settlement now."
They sure bogarted the settlement with Wade Phillips, Marty Schottenheimer, and Cam Cameron last season. And it set them back early on.
"Well, if you'll just sign here on the dotty line, the adaption will be complete."
If only JaMarcus Russell had signed on the dotty line earlier, they'd be able to adapt to his style of play and put the #1 pick in a game by now.
Kansas City Chiefs
"...with one of our handsome talking experts."
Herm Edwards is nothing if not a handsome talking expert. And it's got his team overachieving thus far.
"Home lawn, escrow, re-financin."
They have to defend the home lawn better, as in not lose to a division rival by 38 points at home. They've placed their future in escrow with Jay Cutler, yet may need to do some re-financin' on some contracts with their older players.
"Come along down for a free canceltation!"
They would love to canceltate last Sunday's result.
"You name it, we've got it!"
Though they don't have a lot of marquee players (in Jacksonville most of their players would be no-names), they don't have any major weaknesses. They're a very balanced team.
New York Giants
"It won't be here forever."
This applies to both Tom Coughlin and their NFC-third-best record. I see another second-half collapse in the team's future.
"Those were all good years. Don't let another minute go you by!"
Except for 2005, this decade has been full of good years; but the Eagles can't wait another minute before turning it around on their 2007.
"I got fourteen degrees while on my lunch take."
They finally have a bye week here, a "lunch take," if you will, and hopefully their defense will get fourteen degrees healthier. Yeah, it's a stretch. Shut up.
"Alonzo Mourning to you, Myrtlebeth. Say hello to my tacklebox."
The Vikings need to do some serious fishing to find a quarterback, if they want a chance in the playoffs. Otherwise other teams can stack the box and tackle Adrian Peterson "All Day."
Green Bay Packers
"You doe not want to miss any Senorial Day savings action!"
Every day's Senorial Day with Brett Favre, and he puts on a show every time. I missed Monday night's game, and sincerely regret it.
"Dump tell no mandy - It's just a land mower turned bankways"
Maybe the Lions are for real, or maybe they're just a backwards lawn mower that a shady businessman is trying to pawn off as a Segue knockoff.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
"If you help me buy it, I'll cut you in!"
This is a poor attempt at a crack on the Jake Plummer situation. They basically took his salary off Denver's hands, then collected it when he didn't have to play. Old news, I know. But I'm running out of quotes.
New Orleans Saints
"Wake up! Senorial Day is here with a vengeance!"
This team has awoken, and suddenly they're one game behind the division leader.
"Come see me and this little dog for vera low prices!"
Atlanta looks to be unloading a lot of veterans in trades this offseason, and other teams may find some vera low prices.
"You bet! How ‘bout I hit you on the slant?"
Yeah right, like they'll ever hit anyone other than Steve Smith on anything other than a go.
"I'm very sorry ma'am, but can you help an old denominator like me gather his spectacles?"
Age has crept up on this offense; with Walter Jones, Matt Hasselbeck, and especially Shaun Alexander looking unlike their Super Bowl selves from two years ago.
San Francisco 49ers
"Forty-twone will be on your lest."
This team is a bit disoriented, and probably doesn't know write from lest, and might even have trouble discerning jersey numbers.
St. Louis Rams
"I hope you get all my... particles."
The Rams, like Marc Bulger's ribs, are in pieces, and can only hope to gather them all up for next season.
"Get a leg up on the pile!"
They spent this bye week looking for ways to get a leg up on the pile, as nearly every game has been close, and they're one game behind Seattle for the division lead.