FN Blogger: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Reader: Gaw darnit, Mr. Blogger, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar massage therapist.
Watch out FanNation. The Mods are on to your scheme!
FN Mod: It seems that you've been living two lives. One life, you're John Q. Public. You have a social security number, pay your taxes, and you... help your neighbor carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the FanNation profile "Newbie" and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.
The Mysteries of "The FanNation" are revealed:
FN Vet: I know why you're here, Newbie. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for it. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when it found me, it told me I wasn't really looking for it. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Newbie. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.
Newbie: What is the FanNation?
FN Vet: The answer is out there, Newbie, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
FN Mod: Unfortunately, no one can be told what the FanNation is. You have to see it for yourself.
FN Vet: What is the FanNation? Control. The FanNation is a computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into this.
[holds up a cross-eyed, drooling gerbil]
Newbie: No, I don't believe it. It's not possible.
FN Vet: I didn't say it would be easy, Newbie. I just said it would be the truth.
A seasoned Throwdown Veteran explains how to win the Throwdown in a Zen fashion:
Truth TDer: Do not try and bend the argument. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Newbie: What truth?
Truth TDer: There is no argument.
Neo: There is no argument?
Truth TDer: Then you'll see, that it is not the argument that bends, it is only yourself.
Late at the Linc in South Philly, PA
Grim Reaper: Shut up, you Eagles Fan. You Eagles Fans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're team is toast now, so shut up.
Speaking of which, here's an Eagles Game Day Blog. I was privy (no, not THE privy) to some recorded conversations of the game last night. Here's pretty much how it went:
[McNabb has another turnover]
Coach Johnson: How about that, he stinks at two sports.
Coach Reid: I can work with him, just butt out of my offense.
Coach Johnson: If you can build an offense around a guy who throws like Edward Scissorhands, we're gonna be playing a hell of a lot of defense.
[The Cowboys put the final nail in the coffin of the Eagles season with another TD]
The Real Reason the Goodell destroyed the tapes the Patriots sent after week 1:
Commish Goodell: What the heck am I looking at? When does this happen in the video?
Bill Belichick: Now. You're looking at now sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Commish Goodell: What happened to then?
Bill Belichick: We passed then.
Commish Goodell: When?
Bill Belichick: Just now. We're at now, now.
Commish Goodell: Go back to then!
Bill Belichick: When?
Commish Goodell: Now.
Bill Belichick: Now?
Commish Goodell: Now!
Bill Belichick: I can't.
Commish Goodell: Why?
Bill Belichick: We missed it.
Commish Goodell: When?
Bill Belichick: Just now.
Commish Goodell: When will then be now?
Bill Belichick: Soon.
Commish Goodell: How soon?
Video Operator: Sir!
[Commish Goodell has becomed far too confused and everyone now ignores him even though he's center screen]
Commish Goodell: What?
Video Operator: We've identified their location.
Commish Goodell: Where?
Meanwhile in Oakland after the demoralizing game...
Lane Kiffin: Careful you idiot! I said across his nose, not up it!
Special Teams Coach: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Lane Kiffin: Who made that man a special teams coach?
Coach Sphincter: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Lane Kiffin: Who is he?
Al Davis: He's a sphincter sir.
Lane Kiffin: I know that! What's his name?
Al Davis: That is his name sir. Sphincter, Coach Sphincter!
Lane Kiffin: And his cousin?
Al Davis: He's a sphincter too sir. Assistant Quality Control Coach Philip Sphincter!
Lane Kiffin: How many sphincters do we have on staff, anyway?
[Entire coaching staff stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Coaching Staff: Yo!
Lane Kiffin: I knew it. I'm surrounded by sphincters!
[Lane Kiffin pulls his ball cap down]
Lane Kiffin: Keep coaching, sphincters!