Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Buffalo @ Kansas City (-8 1/2)
The Chiefs snapped a two-game losing streak with a 42-20 win over the Jaguars last week, rushing for 236 yards against the struggling Jacksonville defense. On Sunday, Kansas City hosts the winless Bills at Arrowhead Stadium, where the Chiefs are 3-0 this year.
"We've turned the AFC West upside down," said Todd Haley. "The Chiefs are on top, and the Chargers are on bottom. We've got a comfortable lead in the division and we're doing it with the league's top-rated rushing offense. Unlike the Chargers, what we're cramming down throats is not hype, but the ball. There's nothing fancy about it. Out here on the flatlands, we call it our ???Plain And Simple' offense.
That doesn't mean we can't strike quickly. We can. If opponents turn their heads for just a second, we've already scored. If opponents turn their heads and cough, offensive lineman Shaun Smith may have already grasped their testicles."
The Bills are the NFL's only remaining winless team, 0-6 after a heartbreaking 37-34 overtime loss in Baltimore. The Bills showed promise in a losing effort, and head coach Chan Gailey hopes that will carry over against the Chiefs.
"As they say," Chan Gailey said, "'Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.' As you can see, it forms the shape of a zero."
The Chiefs rush for 183 yards on the ground, and Matt Cassel tosses two touchdown passes. Ryan Succup puts the game out of reach with three late field goals as, once again, the white man kills off Buffalo.
Chiefs win 36-21.
Jacksonville @ Dallas (-6 1/2)
After Monday's 35-31 loss to the Giants, the Cowboys' season lay in shambles, at 1-5 with Tony Romo on the shelf with a broken left collarbone. And, to add insult to injury, some joker replaced video of Monday night's game with 1987's classic vampire flick The Lost Boys.
"I've seen both," said Jerry Jones, "and there was sucking in both. All season long I've been looking for someone to step up and shoulder the blame for our troubles, but now, ironically, there's a shoulder to blame.
Our losses continue to mount. Unfortunately, I can't write these losses off on my taxes. Before this game, I said it was ???put up or shut up' time. Well, I never ???shut up,' so that can only mean I'll have to ???put up' with Wade Phillips, until I find the gumption to fire him.
The Giants really took it to us, and the game wasn't as close as the score indicated. I guess a home game for the Cowboys in the Super Bowl won't happen. I'd say, right now, the Jets and Giants look like respective favorites in the AFC and NFC. So, like Monday night's game, you could say the Super Bowl will be ???all New York.'"
The Jaguars, without David Garrard, fell to the Chiefs 42-20 in Kansas City, falling to 3-4 and further into the AFC South cellar. On Sunday, the Jags wil challenge a Dallas team intent on fighting its way back into the NFC East race.
"As a former Cowboy player," said Jack Del Rio, "I'm aware of the lofty expectations heaped upon the team every year. And, as the current Jacksonville coach, I'm aware of how to deal with disappointment.
Jon Kitna is no Tony Romo, but I expect Kitna to flourish while charged with running the Dallas show. With a 1-5 record, no Romo, and a season of discontent, Kitna has the unique opportunity of leading Dallas' ???Doomsday Offense.'"
Given a week to prepare, and with plenty of weapons at his disposal, Kitna should be well-armed against the Jaguars soft pass defense. Heck, he might even be dating a sexy blonde starlet, or texting intimate photos to Jason Witten, by week's end.
Dallas wins 38-20.
Washington @ Detroit (-1)
Washington kept a share of the NFC East lead with a 17-14 win in Chicago as DeAngelo Hall intercepted Jay Cutler four times, returning one 92 yards for the game-winning score. Up next for the ???Skins are the 1-5 Lions, a team that, despite its record, is no pushover.
"As a Chicago native," said Hall, "Donovan McNabb has always wondered what it would be like to play for the Bears. Well, now I can tell him how it feels, because, after four interceptions, I know what it's like to wear a Bears uniform.
Cutler says he would still target me, even after the four picks. Then it's decided. Cutler is dumber than he looks. But let's give Cutler some credit. He has a great arm, but only if you're talking about ???throwing' games."
The Lions will welcome the return of Matthew Stafford, who has missed the last five games because of a shoulder injury suffered in a week 1 loss at Chicago.
"Speaking of Cutler," Stafford said, "the Bears have to be the most susceptible division leader in the NFL. I wouldn't be surprised if they're out of first by yesterday. Much like a Cutler pass, the Bears are ripe for the picking.
We may be 1-5, but don't count us out of the division race just yet. The Vikings are a text and/or a shattered ankle from losing Brett Favre. It seems Favre has a nasty habit of getting an unwanted ???****.'
And the Packers are the walking wounded. So, much like a Cutler pass, this division is a toss-up."
If the Lions are to keep their slim playoff hopes alive, they'll have to beat the Redskins. And what's the secret to beating the Redskins? Throw the ball at them, not to them.
Calvin Johnson catches seven passes for 118 yards and two scores, and the Lions win 26-23.
Miami @ Cincinnati (-2 1/2)
The 3-3 Dolphins suffered a painful 23-22 loss to the Steelers last week, a loss made more agonizing by a replay ruling that almost won, yet ultimately lost the game for Miami. With 2:28 to play, Ben Roethlisberger fumbled before he crossed the goal line, a determination verified by instant replay. But officials couldn't verify who recovered in the end zone, although Miami linebacker Ikaika Alama-Francis appeared to recover, and even handed the ball to officials. By rule, Pittsburgh maintained possession, and Jeff Reed kicked the game-winning field goal.
"We got screwed," said Tony Sparano. "And screws are made of steel, so I guess it's fitting. I suppose the evidence of that replay decision puts the ???con' in ???conclusive.'
But, unlike the 1972 Dolphins, we can't dwell on the past. Under further review, there's nothing we can do about it. We'll just have to go out and take out our frustrations on the Bengals. I imagine Marvin Lewis often says the same thing in practice."
The Dolphins and Brandon Marshall will look to bounce back against the Bengals and their dynamic receiving duo of Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens. Cincinnati, last year's AFC North champ, is 2-4 and three games behind the Steelers in the division race.
"Marshall, Ochocinco, and Owens in one stadium?" Marvin Lewis said. "I haven't seen that much ego in one place since I read a Sigmund Freud book. Mistakenly, I thought Freud's research on the ???Oedipus Complex' would give me some insight to having ???mo fo's' like Owens and Ochocinco on my team.
It did not. Alas, reading Freud's The Ego And The Id left me unsatisfied. In fact, it left me confused. What is the ???id?' To me, it sounds like an incomplete word, one much like my team, in that it is missing a ???D.'"
The Bengals find their defense, and some motivation. Cincy wins 22-19.
Denver @ San Francisco (-1)
Halloween came early for the troubled Broncos, victimized like **** and clueless Camp Crystal Lake teenagers in an embarrassing 59-14 loss in Denver to the hated Raiders. It was a loss that surely made the Broncos' flight to London, where they will face the 49ers on Sunday, more grueling.
"Indeed," said Josh McDaniels, "it was bloody awful. It's pretty bad when you have to apologize to your team's owner for your performance. Of course, when you say ???We're sorry,' you have to clarify whether it's an apology or a simple statement of fact.
The Raiders rushed for 328 yards on us. Not only did we get run out of Invesco Field, we got run clear out of the country. We crossed seven time zones on our way to England; the Raiders crossed even more red zones on their way through Denver.
Now, I'm not sure the English are ready for Tim Tebow fever taking Britain by storm. And I'm not sure Tim is ready himself. He's now a man torn between his convictions. On one hand, God is calling. On the other hand, London's calling. It will be a clash of epic proportions."
The 49ers also faced a shameful intercontinental flight after falling 23-20 to the previously winless Panthers. It was a further, and possibly fatal, blow to the psyche of a team picked by many to win the NFC West.
"I've got no answers," Mike Singletary, "and I'm taking no questions. It's all part of my ???don't ask, don't tell' interview policy, which is destined to result in no straight answers.
I don't often take the advice of fans. However, nothing I've done seems to be working, so I'm taking up the suggestion of a number of fans and ???getting out of the country.' They say a change of scenery can do some good."
How is a San Fran-Denver game in London like a San Fran-Denver game in America? Either way, it's meaningless. With Alex Smith out, Troy Smith gets the start for the Niners, and feeds workhorse Frank Gore the ball. Singletary impresses the Wembley crowd with some daring calls, including a fake field goal attempt, but impresses the guards at Buckingham Palace even more with his impeccable posture.
Gore rushes for 123 yards and two scores, and San Francisco wins 27-23.
Green Bay @ New York Jets (-5 ??)
Injuries continue to mount for the Packers, who lost defensive end Mike Neal and linebacker Brady Poppinga to season-ending surgeries. Since running back Ryan Grant went down in week 1, Green Bay has since dealt with several more injuries.
"Yes, we're hurting," Aaron Rodgers said, "And a game against the Jets, arguably the NFL's best team, doesn't alleviate the pain whatsoever. Me? I' feel no pain. However, I am ???aching,' for a relationship with a young, nubile, twenty-something Jets employee. And I don't mean Mark Sanchez.
But even I know that expressing your interest in a woman with a text message photo is the best way to do it. Now, if she responds with a text massage, you're good to go."
Contrary to the Packers, the Jets injury list is short, and Darrelle Revis has declared himself 100% healthy, free from the hamstring issue that cost him two games.
"Frankly," Mark Sanchez said, "we're all raring to go. We're gone for one bye week, and we miss all the fun. What'd we miss? Let's see. There's a Jets employee, a ****, and some helmet-to-helmet hits. What's the big deal? You could have seen that in any unedited episode of Hard Knocks. Incidentally, the NFL has ordered HBO to change the name of its show because they claim it condones illegal hits.
Now, I'm not going to stand here and play the hypocrite by telling you I've never taken a photograph of my privates. I have, but there's a proper time and place for its display.
But in all seriousness, we could all witness the end of Brett Favre's iron man streak, in which he's started an amazing 291 consecutive games. It's too bad it coincides with the Jenn Sterger scandal. So, it would seem that Favre's career, like the man himself, has ???petered out.'"
Jets win 27-24.
Carolina @ St. Louis (-3)
Old NFC West rivals face off when the 1-5 Panthers travel to the Edward Jones Dome to challenge the 3-4 Rams. Carolina left the shrinking ranks of winless teams with a 23-20 win over the 49ers last week, overcoming a seven-point deficit late in the fourth quarter to win on John Kasay's 37-yard field goal with 39 seconds left.
"It's not without a bit of nostalgia that I make my return to St. Louis," John Fox said. "My feelings for St. Louis and the Edward Jones Dome are not unlike a certain pair of Panther cheerleaders fondness for Tampa Bay and a bathroom stall---we both get the ???warm fuzzies' when we go.
The Rams are 3-4 and still very much a factor in the NFC West race. Last week's 18-17 loss to the Bucs hurt, but a win over the Panthers would give the Rams a 4-4 going into their bye week.
"We can't afford to take the Panthers lightly," said Sam Bradford. "And we won't. We'll take them easily."
Rams win 22-17.
Tennessee @ San Diego (-3 1/2)
The Chargers still lead the NFL in total offense and total defense, yet the team continues to self-destruct, done in by errors and turnovers that have left San Diego with a 2-5 record. In last week's 23-20 loss to New England, the Chargers committed four turnovers and missed a game-tying field goal, due in part to a penalty that made Kris Brown's attempt a 50-yarder. They will have to limit mistakes against a Tennessee team that leads the league in turnover differential.
"Football is a game of give and take," Philip Rivers said. "At least for most teams. For us, it's a game of ???give and mistakes.' Turnovers have been killing us. I've kept my interceptions to a minimum, with only six, but fumbles have cost us dearly. We've got too many guys putting the ball on the ground, and if you saw last Sunday's game against New England, you know I mean that literally.
But don't think for a minute that we're ready to pack it in. You never know what we might have up our sleeves. More than likely, it's a turnover, or Vincent Jackson's contract, or A.J. Smith's pride. But we could still surprise some teams. I'm sure if we showed up on Sunday dressed as skeletons, the Titans would certainly be surprised, but still able to immediately identify us as ???boneheads.'
The Titans have won three in a row after claiming a 37-19 win over the Eagles. In that game, wide receiver Kenny Britt caught 7 passes for 235 yards and three touchdowns after sitting for the first quarter, disciplined because of his role in a bar fight on October 22nd.
"Britt could face further discipline," Jeff Fisher said. "Unfortunately, I can't address questions concerning that because, as you know, the first rule of Fight Club is ???You don't talk about Fight Club.'
I've done some investigating into the incident, and it looks as though Kenny is guilty of a bad decision at the very least. So, he will be punished. Kenny played at Rutgers, so I hereby sentence him to wear a Scarlet letter. The punishment must fit the crime, but, more importantly, it must fit my plans to have Kenny in the game.
But Chris Johnson isn't our only home run threat. Kenny can go all the way, too. In fact, Chris hasn't had a three-touchdown game this year. So, Kenny one-upped Johnson, just as Kanye West one-upped Johnson with his diamond teeth. I think he calls them ???teef.' Kanye may be a dental giant, but he's a mental midget."
Can the Chargers turn things around? Yes, on themselves. The good thing about playing the Chargers is you don't have to force turnovers. You just have to be there to pick them up. But this time, the Chargers do the taking, forcing three Kerry Collins turnovers.
San Diego wins 30-27.
Tampa Bay @ Arizona (-3)
The Buccaneers stunned the Rams last week 18-17 on Josh Freeman's one-yard pass to Cadillac Williams with ten seconds remaining. Tampa improved to 4-2 with the win, ?? game behind the Falcons in the NFC South, and will face an Arizona team that is undefeated at home.
"Did I mean it when I said we were the NFC's best team?" said Raheem Morris. "It was a bold statement, but like the pirate ship in the end zone at Raymond James Stadium, that statement won't ???float,' nor does it hold water."
Arizona lost quarterback Max Hall to a concussion is last week's 27-19 loss to Seattle. Hall passed his concussion tests and has been cleared to practice. Ken Whisenhunt experts him to be ready for the Buccaneers.
"As you know," said Whisenhunt, "Hall is a Mormon, not to be confused with a moron and/or Matt Leinart. Now, when concussion tests are given to Mormons, it's a lot like polygamy---it's multiple choice."
Arizona wins 24-13.
Minnesota @ New England (-5 1/2)
Problems continue to mount for the 2-4 Vikings. Not only is the NFL still investigating the Brett Favre-Jenn Sterger situation, but Favre suffered ankle fractures in last week's 28-24 loss to the Packers, and he also aggravated Brad Childress, who chided Favre for the three interceptions that contributed to the Vikes loss.
"The Packers can break me," Favre said, "but NFL investigators can't. I've admitted to leaving Sterger voicemails, but not to texting pictures of my crotch. I'll admit to nothing, therefore there will be no ???package' deal.
As for Childress, it's one thing to criticize your quarterback; it's another to criticize officials. Criticizing me won't cost you a dime. But Chilly had a point. The officials overturned three of our touchdowns against the Packers.They cost us more points than I did."
The 5-1 Patriots are thriving without Randy Moss, and are 2-0 since Moss was traded to the Vikes.
"I'm happy for Moss," said Brady. "People have said that we weren't ???on the same page' while he was in New England. But, now that he's in Minnesota, we are definitely on the same page. He wants to be there, and I want him there, too.
Randy's return to Minnesota has been a successful one. He's got two touchdowns in two games, plus, with all of Favre's interceptions, Randy's become quite a tackler. His form is textbook. Heretofore, Randy's ability to ???wrap up' has been limited to the use of rolling paper."
The stage is set for Favre to add to his legend with a heroic effort in Foxboro, against three-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady. Favre trots onto the field, trying his best to hide his "limp." He can't, and Jenn Sterger has the picture to prove it.
But Favre has no problem handing off to Adrian Peterson, who takes the pressure off Favre with a huge game.
Peterson rushes for 181 yards and two scores, and the Vikings win 30-27.
Seattle @ Oakland (-3)
After last week's win over Arizona, the Seahawks lead the NFC West and will put their 4-2 record on the line when they face the unenviable task of meeting the Raiders on Halloween at Oakland Coliseum.
"My kid Henry asked me where I would be on Halloween," said Matt Hasselbeck. "Who knew I'd be able to quote Seattle grunge rockers Soundgarden when I answered ???Black Hole, Son.'
And that's where I'll be. In the Black Hole, where the freaks come out at day. Halloween games in Oakland are often confusing to Raider fans. At any other time during the season, they'd be in costume, whether it be Skeletor, Darth Vader, Al Davis, or some other evil, iconic villain. Since it's Halloween, should Raider fans come dressed as regular fans?"
The Raiders made a statement with last week's 59-14 blowout in Denver, silencing the Bronco faithful early.
"Indeed," said Tom Cable. "And that statement was '59 points sure does skew our statistics, particularly points per game.' Here's the funny thing, though. Altitude has no effect on humiliation.
Actually, we gave the Broncos a lesson in economics and a nice going-away present. In advance of their trip to London, they took a pounding."
Seattle wins 19-16.
Pittsburgh @ New Orleans (+1)
In light of events involving unwanted sexual advances and helmet-to-helmet hits, Sunday night's game between Pittsburgh and New Orleans could be deemed a matchup of "Sinners Versus Saints." Or in light of the defending Super Bowl champions troubles and shaky 4-3 record, Sunday's game could be called the "Steelers Versus Reelers." Whatever you call it, the Saints need a win badly, and a win over the 5-1 Steelers would be their first over a team with a winning record.
"A win over the Steelers won't be easy," said Drew Brees, "with or without the officials help. It will be a personal challenge for me against arguably the league's best defense. I'll have to keep my eyes peeled for Troy Polamalu, and I'll be sure to be on the lookout for James Harrison. I'll be honest. I want no part of a hit from Harrison, helmet-to-helmet or not. Heck, the only ???crowning' I was willing to experience was during my child's birth."
The Steelers are perfect on the road, and will face a rowdy Superdome crowd, eager to spur the home team on to victory.
"Yeah, we know ???Big Easy' crowds can be pretty rowdy," said kicker Jeff Reed. "Here's a French Quarter, call someone who cares.
We've got our own ???Big Easy,' Ben Roethlisberger, a man with such charisma that not only do women swoon at his feet, but so do officials, particularly at the goal line. Sure, Ben may have a fumbling problem, but it's one that can be easily corrected, by NFL rules."
New Orleans wins 28-27.
Houston @ Indianapolis (-5 1/2)
Revenge will in the heads of the Colts when the upstart Texans enter Lucas Oil Stadium on Monday night, a contest that is sure to excite the 63,000 fans in attendance, who will no doubt be screaming for vengeance.
"Unlike other players," said Peyton Manning, "I don't get fined for leading with my head; I get compensated. That's because I have the highest football IQ of any player in history. And that's a blessing and a curse. It's a curse in that people expect so much from me, and only one Super Bowl title is basically considered failure. With that being said, I'd like to clarify that The Ring is a true classic in the horror genre, and is in no way a commentary on my playoff record.
Now, you probably heard about our punter, Pat McAfee, going for an early morning swim in a canal. I'm not sure how much he had to drink, but I'm sure his blood alcohol content was inside the .20. Colts players sure do put the ???special' is ???special teams.' If it's not an ???idiot kicker,' it's an ???idiot punter.'"
The Texans will hope for a repeat of their week 1 34-24 win over the Colts. In that game, Arian Foster rushed for 231 yards and three touchdowns.
"That would be called ???deja Hou-ston,'" said Matt Schaub. "We know the Colts have payback on their minds. To draw a parallel to the Brett Favre-Jenn Sterger situation, the Colts ???have it out' for us. Hopefully, our play will force them to ???put it back.'"
Colts win 34-31.