Detroit, November, 2010
.... We'll be right back after this brief timeout, 1130 WDFN, the Fan!
...It's Thanksgiving Day! The tradition continues! Lions Football! See Matt Stafford, Javid Best, Ndamukong Suh, Coach Jim Schwartz and the Lions take on Tom Brady, Bill Belicheck and the AFC division leading New England Patriots, this Thanksgiving, November 25, at Ford Field.
Help cheer the Lions on as they battle the former Michigan quarterback, um-teen time NFL Pro-Bowler, three-time Super Bowl Champion, and sure fire, first-time ballot, Hall-of -Fame inductee this Thanksgiving. Get your tickets today at all Ticket Chief Outlets and the Detroit Lions box office.
And...Restore the Roar! Grrr!
"Tom Brady and the Patriots are in town for the annual Thanksgiving Day Feast, (That's FEAST on the Lions, of course). I know they don't have much of a chance of winning, but it would be nice to see what a World Champion team looks like. So, I called the Detroit Lions box office to buy tickets. My experience went something like this."
....Hello and Welcome to the National Football League Detroit Lions, all our calls are monitored or, recorded for training purposes only.
You have reached the Detroit Lions automated phone line, for English press 1, For Spanish, presione el n??mero dos. For a team that understands football, call Robert Kraft, Dan Rooney or Jim Irsay. For a winning team, call back next decade!
If you know your party's extension you may dial it now, followed by the get pounded key. If you don't know your party's extension you may use our dial by name directory, sorry, you are not able to speak to Bill Ford, Jr., or team owner, William Clay Ford, they're still trying to find out what went wrong with Matt Millen and why he still is broadcasting football games.
To reach coach, Schwartz, or any other player, press number... sorry that mailbox is full.
To request a donation to your charitable organization... sorry we've given enough on the field the past decade! For the marketing department, press 3, for suites, press 4, (Oh, our apologies, there has not been anything sweet about the Lions since Barry Sanders last played! (No, I take that back, when Matt Millen was fired, that was sweet!).
For 2-for-1 and 3-for-1 tickets, press 5 now! Pretty please! To sign up to eliminate and destroy the Bobby Layne curse, press 6. To start over, or hear these options again, press 7.
"Start over? That's nothing new! In the Matt Millen era, (2001 - 2008, 31wins and 84 losses) the Lions hired and fired five coaches and used eight different starting quarterbacks."
For assistance, stay on the line, or press zero and the operator will be with you shortly.
"Assistance? Seriously? It's the Lions that need assistance! Do they know their record since moving to Ford Field? They won a total of 33 games in nine years! That averages out to just over three- and- a- half wins per year!"
"Stay on the line? Huh? What line? The Lions haven't had a decent line, or Pro-Bowl lineman since 1994, when Lomas Brown and Kevin Glover blocked for Barry Sanders!"
"Press zero? Zero? Yeah, that's a very popular number with the Lions, zero wins in 2008 and zero wins on the road since 10/28/07 when they beat the Bears 16-7."
Didn't the greeting say, "Welcome?"
"That's very cordial of them. So cordial, that not only is the welcome mat laid out for Lion's opponents, the Lions have been the doormat of the NFL for the last decade!"
"Hello, operator can I help you?"
"Help me? Uh, I think the Lions need more help than me!"
"You've reached the ticket department, can I assist you?"
"I need four tickets to the Thanksgiving Day game."
"Sure, I can assist you with that. Where do you want to sit; Upper bowl, lower bowl, Club level, corner, end zone, Roar Zone, Family Fun Zone, or the All-You-Can-Eat seats?"
"???All-You-Can-Eat seats', how do they taste?"
"Sir, you don't eat them, those seats allow you to eat as many hot dogs, popcorn, peanuts and soda you want."
"Do you have, ???All-You-Can-Drink' seats, so when we get blasted by the Patriots, we can drink our sorrows away?"
"I'm sorry sir, I don't know, you would have to check your state lawmakers."
"Obviously, our state law makers are not watching the Lions!"
"I need four good lower bowl tickets, the best you've got."
"Sir, those are sold out, we have Club Level tickets around the 40 yard line."
"Sold out? But the Lions stink; there's nothing available in the lower bowl?"
"No sir, but we have four tickets on the club level, they're $246.00 each."
"How much did you say?"
"$246.00 + tax and fees for a total of 275.00 each."
"Are you kidding me, $275.00 a ticket to see the hapless Lions?"
"Sir, would you like me to bill you for the tickets, or would you like to pay for them now?"
"Bill me? The only bill the Lions should be talking about is a phone call to Bill Belichick or Bill Parcells; they know how to win!"
"Sir, there is so much enthusiasm and potential for this team, you just have to see them in person!"
"Huh? Are you watching the same team I am?"
"I'm sorry sir, I am India; we do not get the Lions games on TV."
"India? You're in India? So, how do you know about the Lions?"
"We are given printed information."
"So, what does your information say?"
"It says, ???The Lions are back on the road to success with quarterback, Matt Stafford as well as two of the top rookies in the league on the team: Award winning defensive end, Ndamukong Suh and running back, Javid Best. Plus, head coach, Jim Schwartz is right on track to be...'"
"Sir, that's not nice. I'm sure he's doing the best he can."
"Miss, what else does your paper say about the Lions?"
"'J-Vid' is a YouTube sensation; he's the best! And ???N-dom-a-kong' is a mauler and beast. He's so mean and tough, he makes King Kong look tame."
"Really, that's the information you have about the two rookies?"
"First of all, J-Vid is pronounced ???Ja-vid' and Suh's first name is pronounced, ???en-dam-a-can', nothing to do with King Kong."
"How do you pronounce his name, sir?"
"It sounds like ???who can' with an n-dam in front of it."
"Who can, sir?"
"Ndamukong can do... what?"
"If anyone is going to bring back the Lion franchise, it's Ndamukong, who CAN!"
"Sir, I don't follow you? Who can?"
"That's right! Ndamukong!"
"Sir, now you know that ???he can', do you still want the tickets?"
"I'll take the tickets, but if the Lions lose, I want to... Suh!"
"Great! It says here, ???They are going to win one for a stripper'."
"Uh, the saying goes, ???win one for the Gipper', but that's ok, win one for a stripper, or Jack the Ripper, we'll take a win any way we can get it!"
May the Schwartz Be With You!
Copyright 2010 Steve Kay