Posted by:

Dan TM is Stupendous Man

| 03:17 PM ET  11.23 |

In a world where up is up, down is down, and my left is your right, two men wrote a movie starring themselves.  This is that movie.

 

Scene:  Interior.  Airport bar.  Camera pans across the bar, and then brings focus on 2 gentlemen sitting in a booth.  As the camera pulls closer, we see that one is clean cut, dress to the nines, and looking as if he just came from his tailor.  While the other looks like he just had an all night bender and then put his clothes on with an egg beater.

 

A waitress walks over, and puts pen to paper.  Gives a quick head shake at the disheveled one, and then a wink to the dapper one.  Just as the dapper one begins to order his drink...a head pops up from the next booth...

 

JOSH

Hey, miss?  Can we get a couple drinks here?  We've been here for at least 30 minutes, and no service.

 

WAITRESS

Hold on, I'll be right with you!

 

Camera pans over to the next booth, where 2 average looking guys sit.

 

JOSH

Can't believe this place.  30 minutes for a frickin' drink.  And they're not going to have Guinness are they?  Why in the hell are we in an airport bar anyway?

 

DAN

Because airport bars are the only place where people don't give me weird looks for going through three G&T's before noon.

 

JOSH

Well, at the airport, it's always just after noon, but not quite dinner time.

The perpetual time freeze.

 

DAN

'Cuz who knows what time zone we just flew in from?

 

JOSH

Or if you live 1 minutes away...ah here comes the lady...Do you have Guinness miss?

 

WAITRESS

No.

 

JOSH

Right, then 2 Gin and Tonics.

 

DAN

Make mine a double.  Beefeater please, none of that well junk.

 

JOSH

Mine better be Tanqeray

 

DAN

[gestures to disheveled guy in next booth] At least I don't look like that dude, right?

 

JOSH

But luckily, you do smell like him [Josh leans back in booth, and adjusts his 1930s White Sox ball cap]

 

DAN

You doing all right, man?  You seem a little wound up.

 

JOSH

Well...3 Venti extra shot lattes will get you a little wound...looking for the G & T to take a little of the edge off....

DAN

You could just watch the Panthers-Saints game.  Same effect basically

JOSH

No, I want to calm down, not vomit.  Anytime, you have Vinny or Carr involved...well...it's hard to keep your lunch down

DAN

The sad thing is, it's Reggie Bush and Drew Brees and Marques Colston on the other team, and it's still anyone's game

JOSH

Yeah, well, the Saints don't have a running back to speak of...Bush is just a highlight reel, not a real back.

DAN

But hey, there's a lot on the line, so maybe they'll play a bit harder.  The winner theoretically has a chance at catching Tampa Bay

JOSH

Yeah, but in theory I have a shot with Charlize Theron.

DAN

Whose theory is that?

JOSH

Mine, never said it had to be reputable.

JOSH

The Saints are still the call...wouldn't stake my life on it...but that's the pick here

DAN

I'm gonna go with the Panthers... I've got a suspicion the Saints are going to finish 8-8; 4 wins, 4 losses, 4 wins, 4 losses.  Hasn't mattered who they've played yet, why start now?

Besides, the Panthers are at home, it should count for something

 

Tall man walks up to booth close by...yelling starts

DAN

Steve Smith's probably playing, and if they ever get Jason David covering him... game over.

JOSH

Very true....but there is another DIVISION RIVALRY happening...Hawks-Rams!  NFL Action, it's FAAAAAANNNNTASITC!

DAN

 I think the NFL decided, all right, NFC West, you've been bad.  You're in time out.  No playing with the other teams this week.

JOSH

And don't even think of talking to them either...if I have to turn this car around...so help me god!

 

Dapper man sticks his head out of the booth, looks at the tall man, then flings a fork, which hits the tall man square in the temple.  Tall man collapses.  The dapper man and the disheveled man leap out of the booth and put twist ties on the arm of the tall man, then shove a nectarine in his mouth and cover it with duct tape.

DAN

I'm taking the Hawks to end St. Louis' win streak.

 

Waitress arrives with drinks....gives a quick glance at the happenings next to her, then scurries away.

JOSH

I'll toast to that, and hope that this G &T can blot out this game from my memory.

DAN

Ugh.  This tastes like something Tony Sinclair would like.  I think I have your Tanqueray.

Josh spits G & T across the booth

DAN

Maybe take smaller sips next time.

JOSH

Crap, and this is your beefeater...either that, or the bartender thinks it's funny to pour gasoline into tonic water

DAN

Oh, they serve gas & tonic here?  Should’ve ordered that.

JOSH

[boys switch drinks]

Just glad there's enough alcohol to kill any germs that might be on yours...cooties aren't contagious are they?

 

Dapper & disheveled man drag the tall man toward the men’s' room, with the help of the red-haired man who was arguing with the tall man.  Security guards have gathered around, unsure what to do.

DAN

Cooties.  Nice.  Glad to see how we've grown.

JOSH

I tried growing once...found it was overrated.

DAN

Fair enough.  So I assume you're with me on the Hawks beating the Rams

JOSH

Yeah, that's what "Toast to that" means

DAN

So the question is, how will they do that?... He said, ignoring Josh's sarcasm

JOSH

They will score more points then the Rams.  That's how you win.

DAN

Wow.  Move over, John Madden.

JOSH

Thank you, I'll be here all week.  Can I interest you in a Turducken?  Only slightly used, and amazingly delicious.

DAN

You didn't happen to catch Frank TV, did you?  I saw it, and as much as I hated the constant ad bombardment, it really was funny

JOSH

You mean there is something besides sports on TV?

DAN

So they say

JOSH

Listen, I watch sports and DVDs...If a show is good enough to make it to DVD, then I'll take a peek.  Otherwise...well...yeah

DAN

Not a bad philosophy

JOSH

I'm trying to decide if the Jags are good enough for DVD yet.  I know the Bills aren't...but the Jags...

 

Smoke begins pouring from men’s room door

JOSH

Man, did you just fart?  That double bean burrito is coming back to haunt you.

 

DAN

Did I?  I don't even notice anymore.  Anyway, with David Garrard back, I say the Jags are definitely DVD material.  For the first quarter yesterday, I was thinking the Jaguars had a shot at taking the division.

JOSH

Yeah, but the Jags are more "straight to DVD quality"...they sort of sneak up on you that way.

DAN

Well, yeah, but Office Space didn't do well in theaters, and now everyone thinks it's the greatest.

JOSH

Yes, Office Space found its audience elsewhere...and the Jags will too.  They're going to be a tough draw in the Playoffs.  The Colts are a sequel to a big budget movie...not as good as the original, but entertaining none the less

DAN

And the Patriots are a summer blockbuster superhero movie, starring Brad Pitt.  You know how it's going to end, and you know you're not going to love it, but you can't ignore its significance. 

JOSH

Very true...I hope it's directed by Sam Raimi and not Tim Burton

DAN

By the way, the 22-point spread over the Eagles isn't enough.  I'm trying to work that into a Spread-Eagle joke, but can't quite make it work

JOSH   

Nah, the Pats are still scoring on the Skins, and that game has been over for weeks

DAN  

I hate you so much.  Didn't they just beat the Bills by one more point? 46 instead of 45?

JOSH

Yeah, but making Bills jokes doesn't hurt you.  Why would I pass up a perfectly good chance to twist the knife in the wound?

DAN

Well, then, let's talk Bears-Broncos

JOSH

Man, I'm gonna need another drink for that one...

DAN

[polishes off drink] waitress?

Josh signals for waitress.  Bar is eerily empty.

DAN

The service here is miserable.

Josh gets up, and snags bottle of Tanqeray and beefeater from bar.  Walks back over to Dan.

DAN

That’ll do.  We’ll leave them a 20, that ought to cover it.

JOSH

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Josh picks up the 20, and drops 3 singles.

JOSH

No need to over pay.

DAN

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that they're having a thanksgiving special.

Josh sticks both bottles under his coat.

 

 

Scene:  Exterior.  Highway.  Josh is driving an old, rusty, beat-up 1987 Chevy Cavalier.  Dan rides shotgun.

JOSH

What were we talking about?  Skins-Bucs, right?

 

Airport terminal explodes in the rear view mirror.

 

JOSH

 

What are your real feelings on this Skins team?  Aside from the fact they got jobbed by the Pats...

DAN

There's something that makes me uneasy.  You read Don Banks and Peter King columns; and they never say anything about Campbell when he has a bad game, but when he does well, they're all "this guy is going to be special," "we're seeing this kid grow up before our very eyes."  Makes me nervous.  Maybe they're trying to prove Donovan McNabb wrong, I don't know.  I don't trust the guys who the media falls in love with.

JOSH

The Skins seem to be close to something...but they seem to be missing something...sort of like this car.  It runs okay, but the speedometer doesn’t work.

DAN

The speedometer represents Joe Gibbs' playcalling cojones.  You need a good O-line to be conservative, and our good O-line is in the shop.

JOSH

Didn't know we were getting all metaphorical.

DAN

You’re awake, aren't you?  Therefore you must be feeling metaphorical.

 

  Helicopter is heard over head. Races into view

DAN

Hey, man.  If we were action stars, we should go by "Beef" and "Tanq."

JOSH

Yeah, guess I was just thinking about my old girlfriend...she's not living anymore

Sort of like Tango and Cash...only minus the clever acting.

DAN

Yeah.

JOSH

For some reason, I like the Skins in this one...call me crazy...go ahead, call me crazy.

DAN

And people would look at my wiry 6'2" frame and say, "which one are you, Beef or Tanq?"  "'Cuz either way, I'm pretty sure it doesn't fit."

JOSH

Wait, what are you saying about me?  You calling me fat?

 

Red Miata speeds passed on the left.

DAN

I was just trying to be self-deprecating about my entire lack of beefiness.

 

Sirens sound.

JOSH

Okay, Capt. Beef, you going to pick your boys, or spit on them for a second week in a row?

DAN

Anyway, I see the Skins beating the Bucs.

JOSH

Wow, so you are still a fan...never would have guessed...

DAN

It'll be close, low score.  I'm worried about Joey Galloway against a Sean Taylor-less secondary.

Police car shoots passed in the right, swerves in front of the car...Josh swings the cavalier to the right...

DAN

Wow... glad I'm not driving.

JOSH

The drivers around here are terrible.  Man...shouldn't have had all that cough syrup this morning.

DAN

Those guys are nuts sometimes.

JOSH

So Joey is still alive?  Keep forgetting about that guy.  Sort of like forgetting about Brooks Bollinger.

DAN

No, man, you should have had that cough syrup.  I think you're perfectly balanced on uppers and downers now.

JOSH

Wait, by downers are your referring to Brooks Bollinger?  Cause either way you slice the QB situation in Minny-soda...it's a downer.

DAN

Yeah.  Though Tarvaris Jackson actually had a pretty good completion rating last week

...and too many turnovers...

JOSH

And as much as I want the Giants to slide back...playing the Vikings...well the words "Perfect antidote" comes to mind.

DAN

...and they were all 5-yard passes...

JOSH

Yeah, don't see the Giants losing this one....but then, I thought the Bears would be running away with the North by now.

DAN

You know what makes me mad?  I used to look at the Giants' schedule and see tough games at the end and easy games at the beginning.

JOSH

And then the season started...

DAN

And now New England's the only one of those teams over .500.  And they may well be resting people that week.

 

Huge truck rumbles up on the left...keeps swerving towards the cavalier.  Close up on truck's Hazardous Materials sticker

 

JOSH

So I guess we agree again?

DAN

Yeah, the Giants are going to terrorize Jackson all day.  Or Bollinger.  Or Sidney Rice, if they decide to put him behind center.

JOSH

Or Doug Flutie.  Or Tommy Kramer.  Or Fran Tarkenton.

DAN

Or George Blanda.  All right, enough of that.

Truck swerves dangerously close, Cavalier is forced up on the sidewalk.  Dan and Josh simultaneously flip truck driver off.

A black unmarked van suddenly pulls across the street and stops directly in the path of the truck.  Brakes squeal as truck comes to a halt. 

Josh is still driving on sidewalk.

JOSH

Man, that stop sign is right in the middle of the road.

DAN

Um... Josh.  Lady with shopping bags.  LADY WITH SHOPPING BAGS!!!!

Josh swerves the car just in time to miss an elderly lady carrying groceries.  She flips off the boys.

JOSH

What's her problem?  You'd think she's a Bengals fan.

DAN

Heh.  Bengals.  For once, I like Vince Young's odds.

JOSH

Well, I always like him...something about the way he moves...something in his eyes...[Josh gets far off dreamy look in his eyes]

Dan and Josh park at a subway station and go inside.

JOSH

Can we just agree that the Titans running game is going to roll over the Bengals...sort of like the Romans over the Carthaginians.

 They go down the escalator, getting pushed to the right as a SWAT team runs down to the left.

 

SWAT GUY

Stand on the right, a***oles.

DAN

[to SWAT GUYS] It's a free country! 

[to JOSH] Or like those guys over us.

JOSH

Yeah, whatever metaphor you want.  Or is that a simile?

DAN

Simile, metaphor; who cares?  I'm an English minor and I don't even care.

JOSH

True.

DAN

I always treated it like "all similes are metaphors, but all metaphors are not similes" - no idea if that's correct.

JOSH

Yeah, I don't see color either...Niners-Cards and KC-Oakland....I couldn't care about either game....

DAN

But it's the same principal as "all 49ers suck, but not all players that suck are 49ers."

JOSH

Yes, but in the end, Niners suck.

DAN

Maybe that's a bit harsh, but so is the 9th straight loss the Cardinals are going to hand them.

JOSH

Yep.  This team is terrible.  Like Washington Generals bad.  I'll take the Cards and the Chiefs in this parlay.

DAN  

Take the Steelers in a 3-teamer - unless Hank Williams Jr. and his rowdy friends suit up for the Dolphins - they might beat the spread that way.

JOSH

Yeah, I'll take that action.

Rapid gunfire from below, a bullet ricochets and goes through Dan's leather jacket.

DAN

Man, I just got this thing.  Now I know how the Raiders feel.

JOSH

Yeah, but $10 at the Goodwill is nothing to cry about.

DAN

Actually it was $5.  It was orange tag day.

JOSH

Yeah, they're not all that good...but at least they're consistent.

DAN

If only the Raiders could have gotten Russell for that.  Think he'll play this week?

JOSH

Nah, they don't know how to develop talent.  Question...do you think EVERY Pats game is going to be switched to Sunday night, just so we can see them blow out another team?

DAN  

No, we’ll get a good rivalry game somewhere.  The other five will be Pats.  But back to the Chiefs/Raiders…Arrowhead's not what it used to be, but I think the fans will bring back some of the old noise against a rival.  And elsewhere around America, two other people were found who wanted to watch the game.

JOSH

That game is going to be over at half...why couldn't we instead see the Chargers-Ravens crapfest? At least that one will be close, due to poor coaching on both sidelines.

DAN

Oh, we didn't get to it earlier, I have the Broncos beating the Bears, just so you know.

JOSH

Figured I might slip the one passed you...I hate you by the way.  You know my pick in that one...can't pick against the Bears...even when they are up against all odds.

DAN

I bring it up, because if Norv Turner accomplishes the nearly impossible task of making a bad gameplan against Baltimore, the Broncos will be on top of the AFC West.

JOSH

Yeah, sickening, isn't it?

DAN

But I don't see that happening.

JOSH  

My philosophy goes like this...bad coach+bad coach = take the team with more talent.  That's the Chargers.

DAN

Antonio Cromartie finds a couple of passes landing in his hands, and that's all it takes.

JOSH

Yep.

DAN

Do you smell gas?  Not the double bean burrito kind.

SWAT team is seen standing off with some unseen gunmen...further down the platform.  A green gas fills the room, where everyone but the SWAT team, their prey, and the oblivious JOSH and DAN have evacuated.

JOSH

Yeah, I left my oven on.

DAN

I guess that might explain it.

JOSH

You know what I can't explain?  Browns winning with the worst defense in the league?

DAN

 It won't do the trick this week, I'm picking the Texans.

JOSH

Yeah, Andre "Big" Johnson will be too much for them.

DAN

Their record is enough to be tied for the lead in the AFC West.

JOSH

But, it's hard to pick against these guys...you never know how the FG will bounce

DAN

Yeah, they seem to pull 'em out sometimes.  But I can't believe how Johnson just came back to full speed.  It's like he was never injured.  Kind of like that.

 

 Train swings into picture, going full speed. 

JOSH

Maybe he wasn't....maybe he was just goosing up the odds for the Texans...

 

Swat team shoots and man falls from far off roof of train

JOSH

Wait, why are we waiting at the Subway?

 

Doors open on train

DAN

We were... going...uh… oh, crap.

JOSH

Yeah, let's get out of here...besides, we left the booze in the car.

 

Boys turn away start walking...man dives into train as doors close, gunfire hits doors. 

 

End credits.