Seattle, Washington-widely regarded as the rain capital of America--is as dry as a peanut shell these days compared to where we live, Bernardsville. When you read this it's possible the sun will be shining. But I doubt it. It rains in Bernardsville and is cloudy pretty much all of our waking moments, or at least when it's not snowing and sleeting and while we're ice-picking our car windshields. Sometimes rain gets mixed in with all that, too.
The weather forecast for Bernardsville for this week reads like a recipe for the doldrums, a trek along the Grand Funk Railroad. Yesterday it rained and rained and rained and rained through the night and this morning and this afternoon. There is a 100 percent chance of thunderstorms today, leaving no room for a scintilla of optimism. Now it's 56 degrees. It's May and should be about 75 degrees, according to global warmers, I suppose. Cold weather is wrapping us all up like a quicksand, seemingly forever. The Daily Downpour is our favorite media outlet.
For Wednesday things are looking up, only a 90 percent chance of precipitation. So we have that to look forward to. "Rain could be heavy at times," the forecast reads, which means it definitely will be. The phrase "could be heavy at times" feels so ominous. On Thursday another shocker--thunderstorms are predicted, a 50 percent chance. Things are looking up, I must say. For Friday and Saturday there's only a 30 percent chance of rain. By the way, barometric pressure--for anyone who knows what this is-is going to be 29.78 on one of these days but what does it matter? Saturday's visibility will be 2.5 miles for those of us who can see through fog, clouds and mist.
There is no snow in the forecast this week, though beware of a Midwest storm catching speed and socking us sometime this summer. Showers, mist, rain, precipitation-what's the difference what we call it? It all boils down to downpours.
Looking on the bright side, on Saturday night it will be partly cloudy. No chance of rain. I bet it at least mists that night. Wouldn't feel normal if it didn't. The moon will feel misaligned, the sky upside down, the equator turned vertical. Rain, please rain, please keep raining and raining and raining.
On Sunday the Red Sea will part: Party sunny, highs around 80. All of Bernardsville will go outside and do something for at least a few minutes until it rains again. Cooped up this past winter because of snow, and frozen and wet this entire Spring, it will be time to party like it's 2099. For one day, or one hour, or one second. Get your outdoor fun and tanning in fast. Fall is almost here. Rain will be in the forecast for the entire month of September and probably October and November.
This Sunday the forecast is partly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of showers. All will again be right with our town. On Monday morning there will be a 30 percent chance of showers in the morning, which means-as you and I have learned--there is actually a 100 percent chance. I doubt it will snow but I will probably wear my winter jacket as I figure on doing throughout the summer. Mark Twain once said: "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." I once said, meaning now but writing in the past tense: "The coldest winter I ever spent was a Spring in Bernardsville."
I started by writing about Seattle. So curious was I to see if our rain season outperformed Seattle's that I did some online investigating. It turns out Seattle is expected to have a much better week weather-wise than Bernardsville. Don't ask me to research the total rainfall this year in Bernardsville vs. Seattle. That's a lot of research. It would be good data. But I've got too much rain to keep track of in my own area.
As I write this there are scattered clouds in this Northwest city. There will be fog tonight but no prediction of rain. The next four days will be a marvelous "partly cloudy." Beats 100 percent chance of thunderstorms from now until we can't contemplate any further, as is the case in Bernardsville almost invariably. The next time it's supposed to rain in Seattle is Saturday, but only a 40 percent chance. No slam dunk 100 percent chance there. Those Westerners-they're so uncertain. We Easterners are all about definitiveness and action and certitude.
None of this bad weather would faze me much--weather rarely does--except for the fact that, for instance, I had on my schedule today a goal to attend and watch two high school and one middle school baseball games. My entertainment for the day has been washed out. Baseball is my salvation, the sport to watch to calm my nerves and soak in nature, and breathe the oxygen and watch photosynthesis in slow motion.
Bernardsville has transmogrified into Precipitationville. I need it to return to Baseballville. For that to happen, this rain-all-the-time creature needs to be Goneville.