Somehow, the URL isn't PapaJohns.comBowl.com. Hm
Alright, I’m sure many of you (dozens!) are chomping at the bit to know exactly what’s going on in my little world through a series of bullet points and poorly thought out nicknames, but that will have to wait, because I have a bowl rundown to do so that when you (dozens of you!) wake up and go through the routine of seeing a blog that’s almost never updated, you can be surprised and have something that will kill three minutes of your December morning (or afternoon, evening, or night). There really isn’t anything I love more than college football, but if you get past the idiots screaming things like “Anything can happen!” and “Curse of the #2!” and “I’m actively comparing Alabama football to Pearl Harbor!”, you’ll realize that this season kind of sucked. Let’s continue with the bowl rundown:
San Diego Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl - San Diego - Dec. 20
Utah vs Navy
Unless Navy isn’t bowl eligible, they play here because of the Navy base in San Diego. I never really watch this game, but it’s cool to flip to see all the sailers and seamen (tee hee) come out and do Navy-like things while cheering on the Midshipmen. I have no idea what a midshipmen is.
Utah embarassed UCLA, and unless you played your fifth string QB for the majority of the time against the Bruins, your favorite team probably did or would do the same. Andy Ludwig, who used to be the offensive coordinator for the Ducks, now calls the plays here. Expect oodles of bubble screens.
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl - New Orleans - Dec. 21
Memphis vs Florida Atlantic
I don’t know too much about these teams and I know even less about what the hell R + L Carriers is. Luckily, I don’t care enough to even Google it.
This is one of three bowl games in New Orleans, so to all those FAU and Memphis fans, go buy some gumbo and try not to pee too much in the streets, it’s the least you can do.
Florida Atlantic scored 20 points against Florida and they even beat Minnesota. This would be impressive if it weren’t for the fact that Minnesota played in the 2007 Big 10 (11) conference.
Papajohns.com Bowl - Birmingham, AL - Dec. 22
Southern Miss vs Cincinnati
I’m assuming it’s the “.com” bowl because Papa John wants you to know that you can order his pizza online. Who cares? This pizza goes right through me, so it makes no difference to me. I’ll stop with the digestive sidebar.
Cincinnati embarassed a fully-functioning Oregon State team on national television, but really isn’t that the OSU calling card for early in the season anyway?
Southern Miss played a ton of directional and satellite campus schools - Tennessee-Martin, East Carolina, Central Florida, UAB, and UTEP.
I’ll probably watch this for six minutes to hear people say Papajohns.com over and over again and sound like tools.
New Mexico Bowl - Albequerque - Dec. 22
Nevada vs New Mexico
I briefly worked with Nevada’s punt returner and his brother at Rosie’s BBQ in high school. His name is Alex and he seemed like a good guy. Last year, he tore his ACL on a punt return in their bowl game, so maybe he can get on the field this time and not hurt himself. I will say, though, getting hurt on ESPN, especially if you don’t play a lot, ensures you of plenty of screen and sideline reporter attention. Way to go, Alex!
I’d say New Mexico has an advantage here, but they may drastically underestimate the will and power of Nevada’s punt returner (just don’t go for the knees, Lobos!).
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl - Las Vegas - Dec. 22
UCLA vs BYU
UCLA beat BYU earlier in the year and nobody really cared. And they get to play again!! Tune in as Karl Dorrell coaches his last game for the Bruins and the ESPN announcers talk about how Oregon crapped their pants last year against BYU and that BYU can compete against Pac-10 teams. Also, BYU players are old. I’m getting tired just thinking about how little this game matters.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl - Honolulu - Dec. 23
Boise State vs East Carolina
The only real thing appealing here is the combination of people from Idaho and North Carolina getting together in what appears to be a borderline-dangerous tropical stadium to watch slightly above average football. I enjoy that Fresno State fans were concerned for their safety here, so you know it actually has to be pretty scary in that area because Bulldog fans are generally, well, psychopaths.
Also, these two teams have ugly uniforms (this coming from an Oregon fan), so that’s always fun. The UniWatch guy at ESPN will probably implode if he accidentally happens upon this game while flipping around.
Motor City Bowl - Detroit - Dec. 26
Purdue vs Central Michigan
Congratulations on a great season, guys! Your reward is an all-inclusive trip to … Detroit! I know you’re particularly pumped about that, Central Michigan!
My brother went to Purdue and stopped caring about football games after his freshman year because he found delivering pizzas for Domino’s to be a booming business on Saturdays in the fall. That story had no purpose, but that’s really all I know about Purdue football beyond Drew Brees, the coach has a pretty rockin’ mustache, and they have a giant drum in the marching band.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl - San Diego - December 27
Arizona State vs Texas
This game has become the consolation prize for Pac-10 teams who may or may not have been screwed out of a bowl game they feel they deserve. ASU probably feels they deserve the Fiesta Bowl, but they haven’t really beaten anyone. Then again, Kansas got a BCS game and the best team they beat may have been Calabasas High (Go Coyotes!).
Texas seems decent, although not as good as Texas should be every year. I never really liked Mack Brown and it’s always fun to see him lose after he lobbied his team into the Rose Bowl a few years ago.
Also, just a stellar job by the Pac-10 of having the second place team play right after Christmas. Pac-10 Commissioner Tom Hansen is the bestest ever!
At least they get to go to San Diego, which is probably the best destination of any bowl city in late December. It’s either SD or Detroit, anyway.
Champs Sports Bowl - Orlando - December 28
Boston College vs Michigan State
Well, after beating up on a bunch of nobodies early, it turns out BC wasn’t that good after all. Matt Ryan seems like a decent QB who just happened to give the game away to Florida State a few weeks ago. Oh well.
Michigan State is no longer coached by the guy who slapped himself after losing to Illinois. In all fairness, he probably made the right move there.
I’ll bet they show clips of the teams going to DisneyWorld!!
Texas Bowl - Houston - Dec 28
TCU vs Houston
TCU was supposed to be pretty good and wasn’t. Houston was supposed to be pretty good and was pretty good. This bowl game has no history (first game: 2006) and will be on the NFL Network, which will undoubtedly cause the same levels of frustration and argument between the NCAA and the major cable companies as it does with NFL games.
Oh wait, no it won’t.
Predicted Ladainian Tomlinson references: 17.
Emerald Bowl - San Francisco - Dec. 28
Maryland vs Oregon State
Oregon State should probably be in the Sun Bowl, but they were last year, so they can’t go. Good job beating Oregon in Eugene, it didn’t matter who won, because either way you just lost hundreds of thousands of dollars!
Maryland seems to be pretty good, let’s hope former Terrapin, Shawn Merriman makes the trip up the five for the game. Maybe if we’re lucky, he can do a special shoot-up right there on ESPN’s cameras and bite somebody’s head off.
Meineke Car Care Bowl - Charlotte - Dec. 29
UConn vs Wake Forest
I don’t know much about this game (which I believe makes me any American ever), but I do know that George Foreman does Meineke commercials, which seems so odd, because he doesn’t seem at all like the kind of guy to lend his name or likeness to any sort of product or company.
UConn has the fraudulent player who did the fake fair catch. I don’t know, maybe show some class and take a cue from a one Alex Rosenblum, punt return SPECIALIST from Nevada.
Tim Duncan went to Wake Forest in the 90s.
Clearly, I’ve already gotten lazy.
Autozone Liberty Bowl - Memphis - Dec. 29
UCF vs Mississippi State
UCF’s coach, George O’Leary lied on his resume and got fired at Notre Dame before coaching a game. Mississippi State’s coach has the first name Sly. Edge: Sly.
Get in the zone, Au-To-Zone. Expect that repeatedly in like four weeks if you have absolutely nothing at all better to do. Remember: clipping your toenails or figuring out your top five favorite Weezer songs counts as something to do.
(For the record: 1. Across the Sea 2. Say it Ain’t So 3. Only in Dreams 4. Buddy Holly 5. The Good Life)
Valero Alamo Bowl - San Antonio - Dec. 29
Penn State vs Texas A&M
Penn State is no good. I know this because their coaches that are under 147 years old had the players play Madden to get better with reads and decisions. After I heard this before the season started, I knew they’d be awful. And guess what? They’re not that good.
After I filmed at Penn State and while getting lost driving on Pennsylvania’s backwards highway system, I got gas at a Valero station and had a third of Casey’s spicy Doritos. This story means nothing, but it somehow connects me to Valero and Penn State in a way that doesn’t matter.
I bet they have spicy Doritos in San Antonio somewhere.
Dennis Franchione, the now former Aggie coach, emailed me and told me he won’t be coaching the team during their bowl game because he now has enough time on his hands to think about Mack Brown’s face of defeat and his Top 5 Weezer songs. Good dude.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl - Ft. Worth, TX - Dec 31
Cal vs Air Force
So, did Cal just suck and get lucky against Oregon and Tennessee or were they good and completely imploded once Nate Longshore became the only player to have ever been tackled by Oregon’s Kwame Agyeman? This is a pretty key question.
Maybe Longshore will be better by then, but keep in mind that Air Force did in fact take down the monster that is Notre Dame.
I like that a helicopter company is sponsoring this bowl (and yes, I know that they probably make the Army’s helicopters, which makes sense), because it appeals to the .0000000008% of the people watching this game that will ever consider using Bell to produce their future chopper.
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl - Boise, ID - Dec 31
Georgia Tech vs Fresno St
How does this game not do everything it can to try and get Boise State to play in this game? I’ve been to Boise, I actually have enjoyed my time there (good sandwich from the Co-Op Market), but I can’t imagine why any Georgia Tech fans would want to make this trip in late December. Fresno fans, sure, I mean, anything is better than Fresno, no matter the month.
Georgia Tech was good last year. Fresno St. is better than they were last year. Sure thing: FSU will celebrate a personal foul.
Roady’s, by the way, is a chain of truck stops. Feel the excitement!
Parte Dos on Tuesday…