I write these words from the hardened bunker that lies seventeen levels below the pristine wasteland of New Mexico, snugly holed up in the quasi-military installation known colloquially as "Area 51." Many associate this secret facility with the conspiracy to cover up the crash landing of an alien space craft, and recovery of the alien occupents. No comment on that.
More recently, the NASA lunar landings are rumored to have been faked, and filmed on location at Area 51, due to the remoteness of the installation, and the conveniently moonlike features of the desolate New Mexico landscape. No comment on that either.
We also allegedly have 1,963 clones of John F. Kennedy, (cloned from his brain which allegedly disappeared after our teams allegedly killed him, and allegedly made Lee Harvey Oswald the patsy for the assasination.) No comment.
Elvis has no comment.
With respect to the recently televised game between the Patriots and the Ravens, I have been granted permission to set the record straight once and for all. It was a conspiracy. Plain and simple.
You may have noticed that something seemed not quite right about the ambience of the stadium. You probably thought the game was played on Monday night. Actually, it was produced three days earlier, when both teams met in a secret location somewhere in New Mexico, and over a period of about six and a half hours, the carefully scripted drama was played out and filmed. The game should have come out exactly as scripted. Unfortunately, post production problems led to the glaring glitches that have caused alert fans to cry, "foul!" (as well as several foul things.) As many who own TIVO or PVR units have already noticed, the fourth quarter, scripted to crescendo to a dramatic, nearly heart-stopping conclusion, actually runs 15 minutes and 51 seconds of actual game time. Where did the extra 51 seconds come from? It was the result of an error by the editing team. If you could take away that extra time, the Patriots would obviously have lost the game, but that would hardly do, now would it? Rumors are also circulating of witnesses who saw a man in a trenchcoat standing on a grassy knoll near the endzone, moments before the last penalty flag was thrown prior to the touchdown, and said witness claim that they saw a brief "puff" of yellow in the man's hand just a moment before the flags started flying on the field. Was an extra flag thrown in? Or was this a signal to the officials on the field that the penalty flags had to fly? In reality it was neither. Remember... the game was in New Mexico, not Baltimore. It was the result of mass hysteria in Baltimore caused by the release of hallucinagenic agents over Baltimore in the form of chemtrails nine hours before game time. Mind controlling electromagnetic emissions from cell towers across the region convinced people that they had actually gone to the game. Unfortunately, unexpected weather in the area dispersed some of the chemicals, causing incomplete mind control, resulting in numerous people disagreeing on just exactly what they saw toward the end of the game as the chemicals were wearing off early. Additionally, audio recordings captured from an open mike on a police motorcycle in the area reveal four whistles about three seconds apart, blowing the play dead after a phantom time-out, conflicting with reports from the "spectators." Such glitches are bound to happen from time to time, and might have gone unnoticed if not for the wrong tape being spliced in after the review of the final touchdown reception. Little wonder so many howled about it not being a completion. They were shown the wrong tape. The officials clearly saw the right tape, in which the reception was conclusive. They aren't blind, as many so vehemently insisted. They just saw something you didn't get to see. Tough for you. The truth is, we got exactly what we wanted. We needed to have the Patriots win a nail biter, since that is better for the ratings. The blowout scenario turned out to be disappointing after several in a row, and fans unexpectedly tuned out, so we needed to run some unexpectedly close games. As for the officials being on the side of New England, well... what can you say? They just did what the director told them to do. It's his job to make it look realistic. Elvis says I've said enough. He has a lot of experience with that, so I am signing off now.
Oh... just one more thing, actually. The oddist glitch of all, strangely was the one that no one seemed to notice. At least no one is shouting about it. New England was rumored to be harboring weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) in their arsenal, but due to yet another oversight by the editing team, none materialized during the game. But no one complained about that at all. Go figure.