Those who know me, know that I like to pretend I know what Im doing and play one of those silly "For Amusement Purposes Only" football cards. For some reason, it just makes my weekend a tad more exciting when I think of the new car I could buy if only I could pick all the winners.
I pick the games with the spreads, while my extremely fresh and precocious 5 year old picks the games straight up.
Megan doesnt believe in giving or taking away points that aren't really theirs because they didnt score them. I being a true Patriots fan of course believe in taking away points whenever possible - as long as its someone elses.
Last week, I had to buy her a barn for her My Little Ponies. The week before it was a Wake Up Sunshine Pony. You see where this is going right? My 5 year old apparently knows football much better than I do. She bases her picks on the logo on the helmet or whether Mommy likes the team. If I like the team, thats a sure fire way to get her to pick the other team.
So this week, Im going to use reverse psychology on her. Yeah yeah. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking. "I am so glad that she's not my mother - using reverse psychology on a 5 year old to get the picks wrong so she doesnt have to buy the poor kid a toy". Whatever. Look up sympathy in the dictionary. I am NOT buying anymore ponies. My house is loaded top to bottom with these things. Did you know that some of them are magnetic? if you put their feet on the door of the refrigerator, they stay there. My refrigerator and my oven have ponies standing on the doors in a way that you might expect a fly to do but ponies cant climb walls ! They are all looking up at the ceiling and theres something just so very wrong about seeing these ponies do this.
Ok, onto this weeks picks. I have decided that the picks on the top games or rather those I care most about by Megan will be made with assistance from her very favorite nautical friend. Spongebob Squarepants. I had to go and get her from school today because she was bit by some kind of stomach bug and lost all her Reeses Pieces cereal on the bus, so I'm just having her circle the helmets she likes and only asking for reasons on the games that I mentioned above. She needs her rest, I need to get this card turned in and there is no way she's staying home again with me tomorrow.
A friend that's a friend is a friend to the end, thats forever and a day....So goes the Spongebob episode of Wormy and the Best Friend Ever song. Total chaos when Wormy morphs into a butterfly and terrorizes Bikini Bottom.
Bears vs Redskins (-3) "I like bears. Isn't that the bear I picked before? That's the one I want. Why do they have a C though? How come they don't have a picture of a bear on it?" The Redskins were reeling from Sean Taylors death last week and they lost an emotionally charged game that they should have walked away with if not for some really bad coaching issues. I think in memory of their Best Friend Ever, they beat Da' Bears. And by alot more than 3 points.These arent the boys of Ditka, they are the boys of bad quarterbacking (please , noone call any agents and complain about my choice of words)
I cant remember the name of the episode right now, but there is a classic where Spongebob reads some graffiti on a dumpster and its a curse word. He and Patrick spend days using this curse word. You never really know obviously what word it is, but whenever they say it, its beeped out by using the sounds of a dolphin. Flipper, immortalized by Spongebob. Whats the world coming to ? Next thing you know, world peace.
Miami vs Buffalo (-7)"I like both" - Well you cant pick both.. why don't you pick the dolphins again? You like dolphins. Remember Seaworld? That was so much fun Meg... "I like these guys that almost look like horses better than dolphins- I want them"
Fine, so my reverse psychology didn't work on that one. I'll have other chances. I'm with Megan on this one though. The Fins Fans will be cursing for 60 minutes of football.I just don't see how the Fins can win this one. I'm not even sure they will score. I wish there was a way to just let them take their ball and go home for the rest of the season. But nah, Shula irked me the other night with his idiotic grinning. Fins drown in Buffalo. I'll give them 7. Can I give them 14 ? No? You cant change the card? ok.
I wanna wake up in Texas, I miss those wide opens skies. I miss my 20 acres, barbeques and pecan pies, oh why.
When I'm so far from you, Texas, all I can do is cry. I wanna go hoooommmmee hoommmmee hooommmmmeee...
Cowboys vs Detroit (+10.5)
"Cowboys! Cowboys! - I told you I don't like lions. They scare me." Well, they sure scared the hell out of the Vikings last week now didn't they? But 10.5 is alotta points so I'm going against Meg and will take the Lions in this one at home.
I thought that I had everybody on my side, But I went and blew it, all sky high.. and now she won't even give me a passing glance.. all just because, I ripped my pants. When Big Larry came just to put him down, Spongebob turned into a clown and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and .. Ripped his pants... I know it shouldn't mope around I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse, than winding up with noone is alot less fun than a burn from the sun or sand in your bunsssss. And now I've learnt a lesson I won't soon forget, so listen and you won't regret. (ah, you get the idea)
Cleveland vs NY Jets (+3) "Why is there no picture on that helmet?" Because they are the Cleveland Browns so the name of the team is the color of the team. Get it? "I guess - Can I draw a picture on this one?" Sure, go ahead, what do you wanna draw? "A pony" Well color me suprised. So which team? "Well if it has a pony on it, then this one." I so agree Megan. Oh the Jets are in sooo much trouble here. Romeo will avenge Bill in the biggest way. If Mangini thinks that previous years working together at the Razor will help, he has another thing coming. Give the Jets 3, 13, 23, 30.. won't matter.
Plankton once again attempts to steal the Crabby Patty formula by befriending Spongebob. Spongebob teaches Plankton the Friendship Song.
Now do it like this- "F is for friends who do stuff to-" Never! That's COMPLETELY idiotic!
Here! Let me help you! F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me...TRY IT!
N is for anywhere and anytime at all - Down her in the deep blue sea!
Megan has an alarm clock that sings this and I have to hear it every morning at 7 am.
KC vs Denver (-6.5)
"Mom, why are you even asking me this? You know who I'm going to pick." Well Meg, you lost last week by picking them, so why don't you pick the other team this time? "I thought you said I beat a bunch of people last week - and I beat you!" Well you did honey but.... "then I didn't lose so I want the horse guys again". Sigh. But I agree. Can you just feel the love between these two teams? After the thumping the Bronco's took last week against their other best friends in the whole league, I'm looking for the Bronco's to do some serious damage to KC.
"Mom, can I lie down now. Im tiiiiiiirrreeedddd." Just two more Meg and then we're done. I won't ask why you picked which one you did after these two ok ?
(Big dramatic sigh) "OK"
Spongebob Holiday Special - Christmas Who?
It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday,
Not your normal, average, everyday.
Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree.
Spongebob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me?
The world feels like it's in loverly.
Go away before I harm you bodily!
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me.
St Louis vs Cincy (-7.5)
"I like the tiger guys. The other ones look like a goat." Well technically Megan they are horns, but from a sheep, not a goat. "A SHEEP? Why would anyone name their team the Sheep? I like the Tigers much better." Well actually, they are the Bengals. "The Bangles? like jewelry?" No Megan, Bengals like in the Bengal Tiger, you know, like Sher Kahn? "OOOOHHH. I like the Sher Kahns." (Is anyone else in need of a valium at this point? yes? no??). This may be the biggest Holiday gift of the year for the Bengals. They get the win but not by 7.5 so Meg can have her tigers and I will take the goats and the points.
The winner takes all
It's the thrill of one more kill
The last one to fall
Will never sacrifice their will
We'll never look back on the wind closing in
The only attack was their wings on the wind
Oh, the daydream begins
In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah
When it's all for the taking
It's all for the fight
In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory
When were all supposed to fall-ah!
In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory
Pittsburgh vs New England (-13)
"I thought you said last week you like this team." I do but I also said I don't like them when they play us. "Oh. I will take the Patriots. I'm not allowed to take the other team. Am I done now? I'm tiiiirrrreeedddd." Yep. All done. Here's your water. Be back in a while to check on you.
Steeler Nation, be prepared to meet your worst nightmare. Especially after that yapping safety of yours opened his mouth and spouted off with his motivational speech. When he's done with football, he can try doing motivational speeches for a living. I can guarantee you Bruschi and Harrison are not happy. If it was in Pittsburgh, you may have stood a chance of at least winning with the 13 but Foxboro will be so very ready for you. Belichick must like what he sees because he gave everyone the day off yesterday. I have a side bet here on FN with a true Steeler fan - BenThere_DoneThat. Picking straight up (and I even offered him the points, he declined.. man what a knucklehead...LOL).. the bet is, if the Steelers win, he picks an avatar that I have to use for a week. When the Patriots win, I pick one for him. Should be an interesting week next week.
The rest of the picks from my card are as follows:
San Diego vs Tenn (PK) - Megan took SD - OK, I pick, eeney meeney miney moe, catch a titan by the toe if it hollers let it go, out goes Y -O- U!. I pick the Chargers to win this. Why? No clue. Mostly LT.
Oakland vs Green Bay (-10) Megan took Pirates of the Caribbean again. Is Favre playing? maybe but even if he isnt, Rodgers will beat up on Oakland. There's no way Oakland can pull a miracle two weeks in a row. But by 10? Eh. Its cold, theres snow and Lambeau is unfriendly to vistors. I'll take GB.
Carolina vs JAX - (-10.5) - Megan takes Snowball. Another double digit spread on teams I have absolutely no interest in. Eeeny meeny miney moe... all hell. You Carolina, I'll take you I guess. But only because of the 10.5 points. Don't get used to it and get your feet off my table.
Tampa Bay vs Houston - (+3) - Meg takes the Bucs again. Better give Houston more than 3. Alex? I'll take Beatdown in Houston for a 100.
Minn vs San Fran (+7) - Megan is sticking with her Four Nine guys. What oh what has happened to the left coast teams? Pitiful I tell you. Just pitiful. Minnesota by 10.
Arizona vs Seattle (-6.5) - Megan likes the birds. I do to. (maybe my picks are FOR the birds) I think Arizona has a chance but not a good one. Im going with Ariz and take the points though.
NY Giants vs Philadelphia (-3) We both picked the Eagles. Eagles punch a hole a Giant hole in the hearts of NYG Fans. Oh wait, Im implying that NY fans have hearts. My bad. Through the center of the mass then.
Indy vs Ravens (+9.5) - You know who Megan picked. This isn't rocket science! Her little pony boy Manning. Me? Seriously? 9.5 points? Nah, Im not buying it. Give me the Ravens, their whining and petulant tantrums but give me the 9.5 with it.
NO vs Atlanta - (+5) - I got burned last week on NO and it hurts. It hurts real bad. But Im sticking with the boys from Nawlins. Atlanta has absolutely nothing going for them right now except Harry's Market.
So there you have them. Megans and my picks for the week.
Let me know how y'all fared against my daughter.