I gave my troops the day off. It really was the best thing to do. I couldn't stand being around them after they failed to rub our victory in Baltimore's face. It's feels like my team is coming apart, that everything I had taught them has gone to the wayside. The Ravens are supposed to embody all the characteristics of evil and we let them off the hook. Bart Scott throws a flag, so Rodney should have kicked one of the zebras in the face.
I'm waiting for my latest mail from the SPCA, which should include, among other things, an invoice and a bag of live kittens. I hear there's a few calico ones in there. I hope one of them has a target pattern. I'd pay serious money to kick a kitten with a target on it's back. While I'm waiting for that mail, I'll waste some of my time answering your mail.
You may remember Trent from Irvington, who wrote a few weeks ago, asking for advice on being evil. He writes now, "Bill, you gotta help me. I did what you said, and when I rammed the car through the gates, I mangled the door and couldn't get out. I was arrested and now I'm in jail. I used my phone call trying to get a hold of you. You gotta help me."
Well, Trent, part of being evil is being good at it. Another part of it is being able to get out of your own mess. Still another part is lack of compassion. But you can still be evil; start a prison riot.
Ed from Birmingham, AL writes, "So how'd you get those refs to make calls for you during that Ravens game? Did you give them a little something-something on the side...in the bathroom?"
Well, actually, yes I did. It was a little note. Hostages do wonders to ensure that people do your bidding. Something like what you implied doesn't provide motivation to see it through. However, I did do something even more evil afterward. As a way of saying thank you, I released their kittens and puppies and then gave them free passes to see Fred Claus.
Anne from Appleton, WIisconsin writes, "I'm so sick of hearing your players talk about how classy they are. You have them programmed. It's disgusting."
They're not programmed Anne. Did you see Wes break off his interview with Andrea whats-her-name when I bid him come hither? It's called ownership. They are mine, and I am their dark lord.
Andrew from Norfolk, VA writes, "You think you're so funny with your answer to Ginger. You better watch out, we're coming to Foxburo with buckets of fake blood!! Right before the game!"
Please do. I think it would be a great intimidator. The best part is that I won't have to worry about those stupid handshakes after the game. Can you bring it for the Jets game? Oh, and it's Foxborough.
Mahmoud from Tehran, Iran writes, "Thank you Bill for hanging on to those nukes for me. It really got me out of a big jam. Can I have them back now?"
No. That wasn't part of the deal.
Eric from Salem, OR writes, "Your pathetic team looks old your d is real old and your gonna go down! 12-4 and then lose the super bowl to the seahawks baby!"
Ancient evil is the best kind of evil. People rise up and try to smite the new evil, but ancient evil? They run. Every time. What sounds more intimidating? This? "There's this dude, Bob. He's evil. He's new to it, but he's evil." Or this? "That is Kulkukan. An evil from ancient times."
Hannah from Naperville, IL writes, "You wouldn't have won any of your Super Bowls without cameras! Rodney Harrison is a steroid user and you're a cheater!!"
Sounds evil doesn't it?
George from Summerville, SC writes, "It figures you'd be coaching in a region of the country that is godless, has no morals, and has a mass exodus of people trying to leave. There are no more true American patriots left in lefty New England!"
You have to ask yourself. Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Kristen from Monterrey, CA writes, "All you got fined was $500,000. You got off lucky!"
Kristen, I'm sure you don't know, but do you have any idea how many small arms $500,000 can buy on the Bolivian black market?
Do you have something you want to say to the evil Bill Belichick? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and if your comments or questions are worthy enough, I'll answer them the next time I'm bored. May a cold rain fall on your days.