Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em! Ha, ha, ha... Oh, hey FanNation. Didn't see you there.
Due to the heavy amount of agreement in Josh's and Dan's picks this week, we've chosen once again to venture into the unknown. And we didn't even bring life preservers. What are the odds of us even hitting a lake? My money says, if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
If you know what that's from, you're going to enjoy this blog - this week, we're debating who's going to end up with the top 20 picks in the 2008 draft, and in what order. And we've channeled the spirit of Chris Farley and of David Spade's movie career, to bring you this; the Tommy Boy/Black Sheep edition of Josh and Dan's Friday Debates!
The instructions are simple: it's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for headaches, Midol for stomach cramps. And our writing and leaps in logic will probably give you plenty of both.
Josh: Miami Dolphins
Dan: Miami Dolphins
Josh: I'm gonna go ahead and guarantee this one...well, they could win out....
Dan: Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time.
Josh: What if they do win out? Then we know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of s**t.
Dan: They've been selling me those every week.
Josh: New England Patriots (From the Niners)
Dan: New England Patriots (From the Niners)
Josh: Frickin' Pats....the rich get richer... Ugh, I can actually hear the Pats getting fatter.
Dan: For most teams there's some chance of a bust, but not the Pats. Belichick can get anyone to buy into his system. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
Josh: Can't you just see Belichick sending a care package to Mike Nolan with a card that reads... "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Bill"
Dan: Don't feel bad, this chain of events was set in place a long time ago.
Josh: Atlanta Falcons
Dan: Atlanta Falcons
Josh: This is where they grab Brian Brohm! The Joey Harrington era is cut short...Matt Millen cries.
Dan: Dude, it's the Chris Redman era now. Try to keep up.
Josh: Wait, that guy is still alive? I thought he died years ago... maybe I should go back to college for another seven years and study NFL Rosters.
Dan: Lots of people go to college for seven years... they're called doctors.
Josh: Oakland Raiders
Dan: Oakland Raiders
Josh: Lane Kiffin, 100% improvement over Art Shell. From 2 wins, to 4 whole wins!!
Dan: Which puts him at, let's see... ah, right back to Norv Turner. I'll call you when I'm impressed. (not a David Spade line, but it could be)
Josh: What's the over/under on the Raiders draft pick holding out? And does Jamarcus play, or is he too busy counting his money?
Dan: They should reach for some guy who was projected in the third round, so he'll be so excited to get his money he'll sign right away.
Josh: New York Jets
Dan: New York Jets
Josh: Do you think the Jets will accuse the Pats of spying on their draft room?
Dan: If you want to get a good look at a butcher's ****, you can go ahead and stick your head up there. But wouldn't you rather take his word for it?
Josh: What's great? Bill even beats Eric for a better draft position! That's just classic...
Dan: Belichick used the philosophy I use in football sim games all the time - find the team that really overestimates itself, and offer them what looks like a great deal for their draft pick next year.
Josh: St. Louis Rams
Dan: St. Louis Rams
Josh: Ah, injuries are a...how does one say? Do they know where the weight room is at?
Dan: They could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.
Josh: Mmmmm...cupcakes...I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
Dan: [respectfully abstains because all this agreement is boring]
Josh: Carolina Panthers
Dan: Baltimore Ravens
Josh: So which one picks a QB?
Dan: Ah, finally something to debate. I don't think the order matters much here - even if both are looking for a quarterback, they'll be looking for different qualities. And I'm not convinced Baltimore will take one in the first round anyway; they may want to create some competition between a lower pick and Troy Smith.
Josh: Troy Smith? He's like what, a hair taller than Doug Flutie...do they really think he's the answer?
Dan: I didn't say it was a good idea, it's just an idea. If I were a GM right now, of any team, I'd wait until the 2nd round to take a QB - there are a lot of decent ones out there, and most have strong flop potential.
Josh: Baltimore Ravens
Dan: Carolina Panthers
Josh: Or do they both pick them?
Dan: As for the order of these two teams, I don't see Baltimore making up more than one game on the Panthers if any - both have a brutal schedule the rest of the way; which means it'll probably come down to a coin flip.
Josh: Yes, but before coin flip is conference strength...that's why they were flip-flopped for me. That, and I'm smarter.
Dan: Your brain's the one with a shell... Shut up, Josh. Okay, I guess that was laziness on my part; I assumed the tiebreakers were the same as for playoff seeding. Now I see I'm wrong.
Josh: Cincinnati Bengals
Dan: Kansas City Chiefs
Josh: Dan, it's Herbie Hancock. Yeah, this one I'm going to blame on the fact that I can't read. Just looked at the schedule again, and realized I made a mistake...
Dan: You got an edit button on that thing? Really, it's bold for me to have the Bengals winning 3 of their last 4, but that's what I got. The truth may be somewhere in the middle.
Josh: But their end schedule is...um, easy. And their O is picking up...and Chad Johnson like personal stats quite a bit...so I could see them pulling off 3 wins.
Dan: Well, yeah, and I could have seen them pulling off 10 wins at the start of the season. They could very well lose two "what the heck?!" games, because they've been doing it all year.
Josh: Kansas City Chiefs
Dan: Chicago Bears
Josh: So you have the Bears losing out? How dare you Dan...I hate you.
Dan: I have them winning one of three, most likely New Orleans but things could get screwy.
Josh: Yeah, 6-10...yuck....yuck...triple yuck.
Dan: That's when the wh*res come in.
Josh: Houston Texans
Dan: Detroit Lions
Josh: The Lions collapse is great...we just differ on degrees...
Dan: Yes. Provocative.
Josh: Man, how much egg does Kitna have on his face right now?
Dan: Hi, Jon Kitna. I'm Earth. Have we met?
Josh: Chicago Bears
Dan: Houston Texans
Josh: Yeah, so okay, I have the Bears winning one more... and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Godd*mn bridge abutment!
Dan: I think you're underestimating the number of upsets from here on out. We'll be done with 6-10 teams by pick 12 for sure.
Josh: 6-10? Oh, right...records...yeah...I just drew names out of a hat. You went with Logic? Wow...
Dan: Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent.
Josh: Philadelphia Eagles
Dan: Cincinnati Bengals
Josh: The question with the Eagles...is McNabb piloting this ship or Feeley...or Kolb?
Dan: Doesn't matter, there's no wind, no motor, and no oars. But the Cowboys better pray to the god of skinny little punks that the wind doesn't pick up...
Josh: My money is on Kolb riding this pony down the stretch.
Dan: If they lose to the Giants, yes. Then, if they lose to the Cowboys, yes. Then, if... well, you get the idea.
Josh: New Orleans Saints
Dan: Denver Broncos
Josh: Man, the Saints-Bears game to end the season is going to be an epic NFC Championship rematch...
Dan: Let me tell you why the Saints and Bears suck as football teams. Let's say they go into a football game and there's even a remote chance of winning. Well then they get all excited. They're like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a new pet. Now the pet is their possible victory. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then they stroke it, and pet it, and massage it. Hehe they love it, "I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty." And then they take their naughty pet and go [rrrrrrrrrrrip] "Uuuuuuuh. I killed it."
Josh: I hate you...not for saying that about the Bears, cause it's perfect...but for stealing that line and using it so perfectly. If I could kick you in the jimmy right now I would...
Dan: Hold your tongue, wench.
Josh: Washington Redskins
Dan: New Orleans Saints
Josh: Can I go ahead and order a Todd Collins now? Or do I have to wait for the bartender?
Dan: Why do we always get to talk about the team you wrote down?
Josh: I'm picking up your sarcasm. Hey, at least the Bears beat the Skins at something this year!
Dan: Good, ‘cuz I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Josh: Detroit Lions
Dan: Washington Redskins
Josh: Kitna and the Lions get 1 more win...not sure where yet...but they sneak one in there...
Dan: 1 more win? What, did you live under power lines as a kid or something? This team is self-destructing as we speak - those aren't road flares strapped to their chest.
Josh: It's like shooting fish in a barrel, Detroit is the fish, Lions are the barrel.
Dan: Here's a quote I've been wanting to throw in for the Skins, though it doesn't really fit here - "Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong!"
Josh: Denver Broncos
Dan: Philadelphia Eagles
Josh: Does the heat turn up on Shanny and Ried?
Dan: Not above a simmer, not yet. If they miss the playoffs a third consecutive year, maybe...
Josh: But the Eagles are coming off 2 horrible seasons...and McNabb is going to leave....
Dan: Him too afraid to get out. Him just a little guy...
Josh: Arizona Cardinals
Dan: Buffalo Bills
Josh: Two teams that should be in the playoffs next year...
Dan: They should work their way up to that. Kinda leaves them with no place to go...
Josh: You head has no place to go!
Dan: Come on, you can do better than that, can't you, Captain Limp Wrist?
Josh: Buffalo Bills
Dan: Arizona Cardinals
Josh: Wait, we say that about the Cardinals all the time...yeah, the Cards will be 8-8 again next year.
Dan: Good, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.
Josh: Can they just make a NFL tiebraker rule that says, "If 2 teams are tie for entry to the playoffs, whichever one is not named the Cardinals makes it."
Dan: Hey Josh, who's your favorite Little Rascal? Is it Alfalfa... or SPANKY? Sinner.
Josh: Tennessee Titans
Dan: Cleveland Browns
Josh: Have you looked at the Browns schedule? Its 4 cupcakes. The Titan have some TOUGH games left.
Dan: I did look at it. But I see them blowing one of those games. And the Titans will win one of the next two, beat the Jets, and beat Indianapolis when they rest their starters. So they'll stay tied, and go through the tiebreakers. Assuming both teams beat the Jets, they have to go all the way to Strength of Victory, and the Titans will have beaten better teams.
Josh: See...if they both finish 10-6...well...the Browns should have edge in either Div record or conference record. But I actually have the Titans finishing 9-7. Crazy? Maybe. But here's the thing, if both the Browns and the Titans finish at 10-6...this spot goes to the Giants or Vikings...as draft order is determined by record, not by playoff status. How's that for a trump card?
Dan: Div record only factors in for breaking a tie between divisional rivals; and if they finish tied, both would have the same conference record, unless Cleveland loses to San Francisco. As for the Giants/Vikings, I'll have you know... wait, crap. You're right. Heh-heh, it's a clip-on.
La la loo loo loo. Luke. I am your fa-ther. Lay-la-lay-lu-
Oh, we're finished?
All right, congratulations, you made it through. Now you can go do something really fun, like watch some Spank-tro-vision. Or maybe a comedy with that really funny guy, Buddy Whackett.