I still don't know what Ochocinco means. I took French in high school. Maybe it's Spanish. Whatever it is, it's a ridiculous name. Give credit to Chad Johnson for being First Team All Ridiculous. You have to admire that. He's an original all right. How many guys in the history of the NFL changed their last name to something that most people don't even know what it means unless, I guess, they took Spanish in high school? It's like changing your name to a certain breed of mammal or type of kite flying contest.

Even more striking, it sounds really stupid. He took a perfectly fine last name, Johnson, and turned it into a name some kid comes up with during fourth grade recess if, of course, they were Spanish. Ochocinco sounds like a Chinese proverb about some math formula. It also kind of sounds like Groucho Marx who I'm sure never played in the NFL. Although perhaps a math whiz--though how can we really be sure--Groucho no doubt didn't know any Chinese proverbs except the ones he may have read while munching on fortune cookies. Groucho Peanut Butter cookies were outstanding back in the day, by the way, sort of the precusors to today's Nutter Butters.

Ochocinco is an Ultra Stupido name. It makes all other stupid names of people mainstream, tolerable and logical. I would like to know why Ocho changed his name. We all would. But does he really seem like the kind of guy who would give you a sincere response? Anyone who changes his name to Ochocinco should be viewed with acute skepticism. What's he up to, this Chad Johnson guy, changing his name to Ochocinco? Is he playing with our minds? Is he playing with his own mind? Is he clever, a nitwit, the second coming of Jon Bon Jovi? 

This cat's latest maneuver, you may have heard, is to stay at the home of a fan of the New England Patriots for a few weeks during training camp. I can't see inviting him to my house. "Hey Ocho, pass the bread," I would say. "Then I would tell him that the absurdity of his name just makes me want to leap out of a frog pond onto a lillipad and sing "America the Beautiful."

"Sorry Ocho," I would have to tell him. "But you are Out-o."