This is killing me.
That title is me paraphrasing the conversation between Tony Romo, and his new C, (rookie) Kevin "Killer" Kowalski...before Sunday night's "dress rehersal" against the Chargers.
Now, I have yet to dive into the Dallas Cowboys...and believe me; this is (very much) intentional.
I love my daughter, quite a bit, and I don't want her to have to grow up fatherless, because daddy had a heart attack, while mentally masterbating on some random internet chat board.
That, and being a degenerate NFL gambler has taught me a couple of things, such as:
Follow your head, not your heart.
Never bet on your own team.
Nobody cares what you think about said team, because you are obviously biased.
Never bet on your own team.
No matter how killer that spread
looks, or how solid the lock appears, if Drew
Bledsoe is tied to it in any shape, fashion, or form, put your money back into your wallet (if applicable) and...RUN...as fast as you can.
(I could highlight, bold, underline, and color the letters red, pink, orange and blue...and it could never truly stress that last point. If you also like to dabble in the lines, like I do, you know exactly what I mean.)
Drew Bledsoe. Nice guy. Teaser kryptonite.
However, I sincerely, do not mean to rant on Drew*, here.
Interesting though (or, rather..."Speaking of ex-Cowboy quarterbacks that were tackling dummies...") that it's spinning off course, in that direction (if it's not painfully obvious...I don't really think these words through, as they fall out of my sleep deprived figers)...as what I mean to focus the inner torment and rage, of growing up without a father figure of my own, is...the current state of Dallas Cowboys offensive line.
We (Cowboy fans) all remember why we like Tony Romo, don't we?
(I'm not sure if it's verbatim, but this was an excellent question I saw posed @bloggingtheboys.com; which would - by the way - if you didn't know me already, and were just searching my internet history for names of websites... would most definitely be the one to make you think that somewhere in my house, was some crazy @s$#0l3...that would probablty think was me...prancing around, in a rainbow-colored, Tony Romo Jersey...handing out candy to children. And I can absolutley assure you, there is none of that going on here. The children don't get candy. And they like it.)
It was rhetorically asked by the writer there...but I'll give you a solid answer, here.
How about a couple of them?
Quincy Carter, Vinnie Testaverde, Drew Bledsoe, Ryan Leaf, Brad Johnson, Clint Stoerner, Drew Henson, Chad Hutchinson...
That said. WTF are they doing over there in Valley Ranch, with our offensive line!?
Look. I understand. That line has been weak, for years. After the "Indoor Blizzard of '09", in Minneapolis...I wanted to blow them up, too.
As I stated on a comment board earlier: I'm just a fan, and sometimes when I'm sleep-eating @4am (my wife loves that I do this), Ray Edwards still gives me night-terrors...when he swim moves the fridge out of nowhere, and comes at my "Little Debbie's" Orange Cupcakes. (Granted, it does give me someone to blame when my beautiful wife, wants to rail on me for crumbs in the kitchen, but still, it scares the holy h#ll out of me.)
So, I get it. This O-line needs an enema.
But...all at once?
I wasn't (or at least, I wasn't trying to) splurt out the usual, blithering-idiot, BS...when I was reminiscing on the things that I've picked up in the years since, not only following football, as a wee tot, but embracing it (as an older, hairier tot) as if it were a part-time job w/benefits.
One of those "benefits" - being with a loving and appreciative wife, whom absolutely insists, that I never miss an NFL Sunday.
She has also embraced a long-standing tradition of mine, and allowed me to officially rename Thanksgiving, it's proper moniker, "Dallas Cowboys Day..."
Women like that don't just grow on trees, or, maybe they do when they can see all of the extra cheese, that a little gambling can add to their pizza.
One of those things I've learned?
It is extremely rare (and impressive) to see a rookie offensive lineman, hold up for 16 games, without growing pains. Growing pains like...oh say...getting your QB clobbered a couple of times.
Hidden yardage penalties and drive killers.
Hair-cuts that make the "Flowbee" look like Vidal Sassoon.
Hey, I could care less about their mops (Though, the scary *ss "Pat McQuistan" bald/mullet thing, from a few years back, is another one of those things that randomly sneaks into my "night-terrors".) but - I care a lot about those other things, and I know Jason Garrett does, too.
JG is smart. He went to college. Princeton, even. More importantly...he's suckled at the teat of some of the best ever. Two of whom (Jimmy Johnson, Bill Parcells) - I can think of off the top of my head - that damn near have an aneurysm, at the mere mention of words like: hidden yardage, penalties, and drive killers.
And guess what? He was a quarterback. So - he gets the "clobbered" part, too.
So, Jason (and Jerry and Stephen) that's what you get when you start a rookie on the o-line.
Huh? You want to start three of them? But the Cowboys have only had five rookies start on opening day....ever...in the history of the Dallas Cowboys. Never...more than one at a time. Against the Jets.
Okay...but, Tony Romo's collar bone just called me, and we agreed that it makes us feel a little queasy.
Well, Maybe. But, we were just thinking that most of the other guys in camp are rookies, too. Are you sure we have enough depth, just in case it all goes to $h(t?
It will all work out?
Well, okay...you are the experts. That's why you get the "big bucks", as they say...my table full of mini-helmets is rather silly, especially, next to those pretty Super Bowl rings, of yours.
Okay then...I'm fired up! Let's send these young maulers up against the Lions...and Philly (2x), New England, Tampa Bay, The New York Giants, The New York Feet, etc...
You also want to get rid of the ONLY guy on that line who has any experience (besides l@zy-****, Montre Holland), who could provide depth at TWO positions (C,G), and is a former multiple pro-bowler, who allows less than a handful (around 2) of sacks, a year...even if he is riding the pine?
ARE YOU F^(K!NG CRAZY!?
Look, I am all for starting fresh.
New mentality, "Right kind of guys...."
It only took "the JJ's" three years, to famously turn Dallas around from 1-15 (Ha!HA! - still got ya, Redskins!) to Dynasty, and I think that is right about in our QB's wheelhouse.
h#ll, listen to these names:
Bart Starr (33,34), Earl Morrall (34), Lenny Dawson (34), Joe Kapp (31) Johnny Unitas (37), Billy Kilmer (33), Fran Tarkenton (33, 34, 36), Roger Staubach (29,33,35), Terry Bradshaw (30,31), Jim Plunkett (31,36), Joe Theisman (33,34), Ken Anderson (32), Phil Simms (32), Joe Montana (32,33), Jim Kelly (30,31,32,33), Steve Young (33), John Elway (37,38), Kurt Warner (30,37), Peyton Manning (30,33), Tom Brady (30)...and that is not even all of them.
That small wall of text?
Quarterback's and the ages, at which they were, under the bright lights and cocaine nights, of every young boy's fantasy...starting QB during Super Bowl week.
Tony Romo (31).
So, let's not close the window...just yet.
Besides, I like Tony Romo...and his collar bone. I can't speak for you, Johnny Cowboy-fan, but I don't want any more "bus driver's".
I think he, Miles, Dez, and JW, are getting ready to put a serious hurting, on some unsuspecting teams...that really believe this is a 6-10 football team.
So, uh, let's try to keep Antonio alive for the "New Cowboy Order", shall we?
- Jerry, Stephen...this last exchange is for me, and the two of you, alone. Together. Together/Alone. Whatever.
I know I begged you for Joey Galloway. I desperately wanted to try and "extend" the career of number 8...and I'm sorry.
But, it's time. You have to let it go.
Despite any of the previous hullabaloo, I do think that I know what's going on here. My theroy is you're feeling underwhelmed with the off-season. You took one quick scan around the roster, and found the most "expendable" guy...either with the highest trade value, or biggest money shift in your favor. Well - you found him, better make it count.
The coaches do say Costa calls the line better. That's almost good enough for me.
Tony, and I, will cross our fingers with you. -
*Drew Bledsoe, I know you're a humanitarian, a philanthropist, and a genuinely nice guy. I mean that.
I understand that you like coaching your kids. Please, for the love of god, and my daughter's future education...do not go into coaching, @ the NFL level.
Pretty please? You got to be a millionaire. You had a pretty cool life. For the children? The little people. "Tomorrow's future"...or some treacherous nonsense...like that?