This is based on a real-life experience. A few months ago, I was trying to dye my hair a deep, dark brown. (My hair is naturally light golden/reddish brown.) The store didn't have any dark brown, so I found a box with a picture that I liked-- it LOOKED dark brown but said "soft black." I bought it anyway, and, well...

Two quick notes: I don't care if you share this, but please give me credit for my suffering... and for the record, my hair is now black... :)


Things Ms. Clairol Never Taught Me

1) If you are premenstrual or on your period, under NO circumstances should you dye your hair (or anyone else's, for that matter).  You are NOT in the proper frame of mind to make extremely important decisions, such as choosing a hair color that suitably matches skin tone or how long to leave in the color.  And you (and/or the person you are "helping") will be unpleasantly surprised with the results, no matter how many times before you have done this process.

2) If the name of the color has "Black" somewhere in it, no matter the degree of blackness, your hair will be BLACK, regardless of the picture on the box.

3) You can predict (with pinpoint accuracy) your mother's reaction to your predicament: "Ooh-- that's not a good color for your skin tone; you'll look washed out..."

4) "Goth" is not a good look for someone over the age of 30 who does not live in Hollywood and/or does not have a personal trainer.

5) Gloves are provided for a reason.  A dark brown French-style manicure is not attractive.

6) Nail polish remover does not undo a dark brown French-style manicure.

7) The Clorox Bleach Pen does undo a dark brown French-style manicure.

8) No matter how wonderful you think the Clorox Bleach Pen is, your skin is not a fan.

9) After seven shampoos, your hair will still be black, except of course for the grey ones, which was the whole reason for dyeing your hair in the first place.

10) You are better off sticking your head in the freezer then rinsing your hair with snow than you are trying to wash your hair seven times without using all the hot water in the neighborhood and freezing your arse off.

11) Do not, I repeat, do NOT leave a mixture of conditioner and heat protectant in your hair before blow-drying but after coloring and seven shampoos. The result is some sort of goo that leaves your hair feeling worse than the seven shampoos did.  Then you just have to rinse it (in the freezing cold water) again.

12) No matter how small your head is, it will NOT fit under a faucet in a sink from the 1950s.

13) Three hours after starting the process, you become delirious, and EVERYTHING is funny. 

14) Your cat does not appreciate it taking three hours for you to color your hair, nor do your roommates, especially when you start the process at 10pm.

15) There is a reason that professional colorists cost so much.



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