Now this is a sorry, sorry sight. Josh told Dan that he was too busy with Christmas preparations to do a debate this week. Dan wasn’t heard from for some time, until we caught up with him, in his basement with a sock puppet talking to himself.
Dan: Dan’s World! Dan’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Woowoowoowoo! Hi, welcome to Dan’s World. I’m your excellent host, Dan TM, and with me as ALWAYS is Josh.
Sock Puppet of Josh: Party on, Dan.
Dan: Party on, Josh. Today, we’re here debating whether Vince Young or David Garrard is going to win a championship first.
Sock: I like Vince Young. He’s dreeeeeeamy.
Dan: Ooooh-kay. Now, as we all know, I have a lot of respect for the Jaguars. You may recall my picking them over the Steelers last week. Correctly.
Sock: Yeah, that makes you, what? 2 of 15?
Dan: Touché. Before we get into the meaty part of the debate, it’s time for an EXTREME CLOSE-UP!
Dan: Okay. Now without any further – adieu – heh, heh… I just don’t see Young making it past an elite defense in the playoffs.
Sock: With VY, you have to ignore the stats. He’s got more intangibles than I’ve got twinkie wrappers under my bed.
Dan: You do love your twinkies.
Sock: Twinkie twinkie twinkie twinkie—
Dan: Take your Ritalin, man. All right, but Garrard’s got the intangibles too, AND a better passer rating. And the Jags have young talent on offense and a great defense – with any luck, they’ll be able to knock off the Colts in a couple of years. The Titans are still #3 because they don’t have any promise at running back or wide receiver.
Sock: And who do the Jags have at receiver? Ernest Wilford? I think too many cornerbacks understand the importance of beating Ernest.
Dan: I don’t get it. But they also have Reggie Williams and Dennis Northcutt, who have been playing very capably.
Sock: Fred Taylor’s not going to be around forever. Can Maurice Jones-Drew handle it by himself?
Dan: LenDale White’s not going to be around forever either. Because he sucks.
Sock: But Young knows how to win a championship, because he did it in college. Garrard’s never been there.
Dan: True. But Garrard’s better.
Sock: I want Chinese food.
Dan: Fine, get the the cream of Sum Yung Gai. [snicker]
Sock: That’s disgusting!
Dan: All right, well, before this deteriorates any further, here’s a list of the Top 10 quarterbacks who will NEVER win a Super Bowl.
Dan & Sock: Dan’s World! Top 10! QuarterbackswhowillnevermakeaSuperBowl! Excellent! Wooowooowoowoo!
Dan: Number 10: Rex Grossman.
Sock: He’s gross, man!
Dan: Number 9: David Carrrrrrr. [rolling the R] I don’t actually think he’s a fox, it’s fun to say his name like that.
Sock: No “schwing” here.
Dan: Number 8: Dan Marino. Pretty safe to say he’s had his shot.
Sock: Number 7: James van der Beek.
Dan: He’s not a real quarterback, he just played one in Varsity Blues.
Sock: Number 6: Derek Anderson.
Dan: Now I think Derek is a most excellent talent, but he plays on the Browns.
Sock: The whole city of Cleveland was banned from ever winning a championship a long time ago.
Dan: Number 5: Brady Quinn.
Sock: Same reason.
Dan: Number 4: The back of this quarter. It’s a Maine quarter, which means there’s a lighthouse over some water on it.
Sock: Not commemorative enough for the Super Bowl. This very quarter might win in a football game someday, but not the Super Bowl.
Sock: Number 3: Lu Elrod.
Dan: The waitress from the family restaurant in The Big Lebowski. I guess we just put her on here to clear the palate a little bit.
Sock: Number 2: Aaron Rodgers.
Dan: Sorry, Aaron, but you’re going to retire before Brett Favre does. And the number one quarterback who will never win a Super Bowl: Eli Manning.
Sock: Can you imagine being at the Manning house this Christmas? “Peyton, we’re so proud of you.” “Eli…. Peyton, we’re SO proud of you!”
Dan: Watching Manning’s pass unsettles my stomach.
Sock: I think I’m going to hurl!
Dan: Dude, don’t do that. If you hurl, I’m going to puke, and if I puke, Curly’s going to vomit, then Harry’s going to blow chunks, then Bud’s going to toss his cookies, then Tracy will lose her lunch, then Cassidy’s going to heave, then PackBrew’s gonna spew, then Ben’s gonna sell Buicks, and that’ll set off a peristaltic chain reaction.
All right, we’re going to leave this before it gets any sadder. Tune in next week, when things should be back to “normal.”