Let me get this out of the way up front. I am honored to be blogging for the community. Hopefully I won't let any of you down. I enjoy all of the contributing bloggers and they are all very gifted writers. I will do my best to fit in. So, without further ado (or further adon't - get it? ado - adon't? So much for starting out with a bang):
Well, it's almost that magical time of year. The time of year when you get to see that special look on your wife's face when you get her that special two minutes before the 7-11 closes gift because you were too much of a doofus to get it sooner. It's that time of year when Uncle Frank gets wasted and tells you what a miserable little brat you are. It's that time when your best bud Carl ties mistletoe to his belt buckle. Ah yes, the magical time of year known as Holihanakwanzamas.
You may not know this about me but I have an insider at the North Pole and everyone once in awhile this insider will send me people's Christmas list. I have in my possession each NFL coach's wish list and I am more than happy to share it with Fannation. Please enjoy them, or if you don't enjoy them please don't make fun of me. Or if you do make fun of me do it in that loving on-line bully way.
And please do not interrupt the blog with any cell phone calls.
Patriots - Dear Santa, whatever you do, don't listen to the other coaches; they are all jealous. Especially that Nolan chump. I can't believe I talked him into giving up his 1st round pick next year. Am I a genius or what? I have the best team ever assembled and I am the greatest coach ever. I can't wait to take my place in history. What's that? I'm supposed to be humble? Whatever. Look just give me that same present that you gave me over the offseason. Signed, Bill "The greatest coach ever" Belichick. (disclaimer to Pats fans - I just wanted to work in that song and a Belichick dig seemed like a good place for it)
Bills - Dear Santa, I've had a pretty good ride this year. I really can't complain too much. My team has overcome a lot of adversity and exceeded expectations. All I really ask for is to take some of the mojo from a certain team in this division and spread it out around a little. Signed Little Dic.k Juaron.
Jets - Dear Santa, say what happened to my wish from last year? Oh, I used it up when we beat the Pats? Oh well, um how about this year we can have a better camera? You know to record our players. I would never record another team. I swear. Just make the camera easily concealable. Thanks, your friend Eric.
Dolphins - Dear Santa, whew, what's that smell? Do you smell that? It smells like a big stinking pile of horse crap. Oh wait, that's us. I know you granted us an early wish by sending us a Tuna, but could I ask for one more thing? Can we please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, have Welker back? And a QB, and a RB, and an offense, and a defense? Signed, your best friend Cam Cam.
Chargers - Dear Santa, boy did I ever blow it. I had one of the greatest teams with some players who will go down in history as some of the best to ever play. But it's really not my fault. Mr. Smith should have known I am not head coach material. I know I am supposed to help QBs develop and sweet little Alex regressed under my tuteledge but he's been in this league long enough it's his fault really. My wish? Oh yeah. Can I have, uh, um, my old job back as just an OC?
Broncos - Dear Santa, look, I don't know everyone says I'm a jerk. I'm really a nice guy. Just ask me and I'll tell you. My team sucks this year because they don't know how to win. I mean sure I failed to produce a stud RB this year. And sure my QB situation is still a work in progress, but I'm Mike Shanahan dang it! Don't give me any lip or I'll call a time out on you just as you are going down the chimney. Signed, Big Bad Mike.
Chiefs - Dear Santa, where do I begin? My wish list is so long, it would take days to list everything I need. I need a QB, a running back who is consistent, I need some linemen and a receiver or two wouldn't hurt. I know I haven't done much better with this team than Coach Vermeil did, but can I have one more year here? I promise I will hold on to a QB this time. Signed, little Hermie.
Raiders - Dear Santa, I really taught out first round draft pick a lesson about sitting out huh? I know we sucked and he should have played, but by golly I had a point to prove and I had to be stubborn to get my point across. All we need is some defense, a little offense, a competent quarterback and a receiver or three. Other than that I think I am all set. Signed, Lane "am I too young to lead and NFL team" Kiffen.
Steelers - Dear Santa, I don't want to burden you too much. I know other coaches have really long wish lists so I will make my short and sweet. Can you please tell my bench-warming free safety to just **** before I slap him upside the head? Thanks, Your buddy Mike.
Browns - Dear Santa, this was a truly a magical year for us and I don't know what to ask for other than can you make the Steelers stumble? Signed, Big Romeo.
Ravens - Dear Santa, Ok I know we were Appalachian Stated by Miami, but it was a fluke I swear. It won't happen again. I have been a good boy all year and have convinced people that we still have the best defense ever. Yes I know my offense stinks and I may have a new address soon. But you know what will really make my year? If you could possibly send me a competent QB, like maybe McNabb? Please. Signed, precious Brian Billick.
Bengals - Dear Santa, I hope you can find me at my next address. I really blew it this year didn't I? I have such a talented team and we still stunk up the joint. I don't really know what we need. A little cohesion maybe? Signed, Marvelous Marvin.
Colts - Dear Santa, since you gave me a "Super" present last year I don't know how to top it. Do you think just once you can get Bill to shake my hand? Love, Tony.
Jaguars - Dear Santa, I have a great team this year and I don't really want a lot. The only I ask is can you send a couple of my players to the Pro Bowl? Love always, Mr. Jack.
Titans - Dear Santa, can you please send my quarterback a clue? That's all I need. You buddy, Jeffy.
Texans - Dear Santa, I am starting to run of material here. Oh wait, I mean I could really use a running back and maybe a nice big o-line. Thank you Santa, Gary.
Cowboys - Dear Santa, I have been truly blessed to have inherited a talented team that would have won some games even if that Jason Garrett guy was coaching. I am so glad that I did not have to build this team because if I had all the other coaches would have made fun of me. The only thing that I could ask for is please can you send my quarterback a new girlfriend. Signed, Wade "Little Bum" Philips.
Giants - Dear Santa, I may not be at my current address by the time you get this, but you know where all the good boys and girls live don't you? I'm sure you will find me in whatever city is silly enough to make me their coach. I have a very talented team. Well, except for maybe quarterback. I know we spent a lot of money on this one but I think he is defective. Could I at least trade him for one who knows how to throw the ball?
Redskins - Dear Santa, My QB is finally starting to blossom. My running back still has some left in his tank. My defense is starting to gel. All I can say is that I really miss my safety. RIP Sean. Signed, Joe.
Eagles - Dear Santa, I know that I said Donovan is my main man, but that's just for show. We both know that he has worn out his welcome here and I will be looking to ship him out in the off-season. My problem now is who do I start - Feeley or Kalb? Can you send me a coin to flip? Signed, "Tiny" Andy.
Seahawks - Dear Santa, Can you please tell my stupid running back that he is not all that and bag a Fritos and that he needs to just shut up and run the dang ball. Signed, frustrated in Seattle.
Cardinals - Dear Santa, wow, where do I begin? I have an old QB who has lost his touch. I have a young QB who is way over-rated and I have a RB who is past his prime. Is it any wonder that we are the same old Cardinals? Perhaps you could just send me to a nice happy place after the season. Signed, your pal Kenny.
49ers - Dear Santa, Ha ha very funny. Yeah, that was a "funny" hypnotism trick you talked me into letting Belichick do to us. Now they have our first round pick next year. Well, we're not going to fall for that again. Hey, why am I getting very sleepy? Signed Little Mikey Nolan.
Rams - My dear friend Mr. Claus, thank you for letting me keep my job. This is such a great city. I mean after all we are the greatest show on turf. Oh, not anymore? What's that supposed to mean? You're going to make me cry. Santa's not supposed to make you cry. Sniff. Sniff. Well, then you better send some big old lineman so I can keep my quarterback healthy. Signed Scotty.
Packers - Dear Santa, thanks for the great gift last year. Can I ask for the same thing this year? I can? Yeah! Can I have Brett Favre? Signed, little Mikey.
Lions - Um, Santa just a small request. Can you send me a muzzle for my idiot QB? Oh and if you're not too busy can find another home for a certain general manager? Signed, your pal Rod.
Vikings - Dear Santa, (Ok, I'm really running out of steam now) thanks for the early gift. Who knew that Peterson would be a stud? Oh yeah everyone but me. I know I should have started him sooner. Please for this Christmas all I want is one more season here before I go back to teaching middle school gym class. Please help me, little Bradley.
Bears - Dear Santa, didn't get my letter? All I wanted was another shot at the Super Bowl. What happened, did it get lost in the mail? Oh well, I suppose this year you can send me a quarterback, running back, and a secondary. Thanks Santa buddy. Signed, Lovie.
Buccaneers (almost done). Dear Santa, all I really need is a healthy running back. Do you think you could help out with that? Oh and another couple of quarterbacks won't hurt either. Signed, Chuckie.
Panthers (only two more) - Dear Santa, I'm sure you are running out of QBs by now, but could you spare a couple to send my way. All of mine seem to be broken. I hope you can find my new house. Signed, Johnny boy.
Saints (last one) (this was a lot of work) - Dear Santa, I t looks like everything I need is already taken. But I already have a QB, but my stud RB got hurt and my other one is over-rated. So how about instead, you can send me some faithful fans. Thanks Santa, I know I can count on you. Signed Sean.
Falcons - Dear Santa, I am writing this in place of my coach. I really need some help. It's just not fair. My starting QB is in jail, my coach high-tailed it out, and my team is in disarray. You're my only hope to right the ship. I don't know where I went wrong, it's not my fault. Maybe you can send me a coach who can put a little fight into our team. Your friend, Arthur Blank.