Dead Man Talking
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Here is a selection of some of the printable jokes at Saturday's roast of Charlie Sheen:

Seth MacFarlane: "How do you get fired from Two and a Half Men? Do they haul you in and say, 'Sorry, you don't suck enough'?"

MacFarlane on roaster Mike Tyson: "He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he has gone up against, except the letter S."

Kate Walsh: "Charlie was making $1.8 million an episode. He had so much money he was having a hospital rush to him."

Walsh: "Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids."

Jeffrey Ross: "How do you roast a meltdown? Charlie's meltdown is so bad, Al Gore's making a documentary about it."

Ross: "After eight years of Two and a Half Men, it's great to finally see you doing a comedy show."

Anthony Jeselnik: "Charlie, you're a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law & Order: SVU."

Steve-O: "Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom. I know he's looking forward to it, though, because he thinks there's a rock there."

Steve-O: "Charlie and I have quite a bit in common. We both love porn, we've both done a ton of drugs and neither of us are actors."

Amy Schumer : "You were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise Richards was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie."

Schumer: "It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you. You know, your daughters."

William Shatner: "I'm 80. You're (46). How come we look like we went to high school together?"

Shatner: "Prostitutes cost a lot of money. Hasn't anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?"

Shatner: "And from one rocket man to another ... never, ever forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline.com."

Patrice O'Neal: "I said yes to this (roast) because I respect Charlie Sheen, not his body of work."

Sheen: "Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors, three ex-wives, two paramedics and nine dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light. All of whom told me not to do this roast."

Sheen to all in attendance: "I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years, losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate (prostitutes). But to have you all here on one night is really special."

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