A Big Lump of Coal | Raise the Jolly Roger

The Pirates didn't exactly receive much of a holiday gift from CBS Sportsline's Larry Dobrow. Check this poor fan's cry for help yesterday--and then Dobrow's response:

(Thanks to Doubt About It for the link)

"Dear Mr. Dobrow,
I've had a tough life. My father never hugged me. My mother is sleeping with the Sweet Angels Above, or whatever her gang from the work-release program is calling itself nowadays. I have no hearing in my left ear and was recently diagnosed with a mutated strain of scurvy.
Also, I'm a Pittsburgh Pirates fan.
The Pirates have been pretty down in recent seasons, but I just know they're going to turn it around soon -- hopefully by the time I move up on the kidney transplant list. They won 75 games as recently as 2003, so a 78-win season can't be far behind. When I close my eyes really hard and think happy thoughts to block out the yelling and the bad people and the voice in my head that says to burn things, I see the Pirates joyfully celebrating on the mound, basking in the glory of finishing a game over .500.
It's so very cold in the orphanage tonight.
My pencil is down to a nub and I still haven't written my letter asking Santa for a washcloth. So please, Mr. Dobrow, won't you propose a course of action that will save my beloved Pirates?
Your friend,Timmy
P.S. Merry Christmas! Unless, you're Jewish or Muslim! "

Wow, we thought we were unfortunate fans. How could a sportswriter possibly respond to that? Well...

"Short-term outlook: The Pirates careen into 2008 in much the same manner they've entered every season since Barry Bonds left for the West Coast 15 years ago: without a hope or a clue. The potential opening-day lineup, rotation, bullpen and defense are almost morbidly mediocre. The farm system is barren of impact players beyond CF Andrew McCutchen -- who, if recent history repeats itself, will be rushed to the majors and then traded for Ryan Church. It's bad, dude.

[...]

Liabilities: The franchise's recent legacy of superhuman incompetence has to be acknowledged here. Maybe I'm missing somebody, but by my count the Pirates have drafted and developed exactly zero star position players since Aramis Ramirez. They gave him away to the Cubbies, just as they did Oliver Perez to the Mets, Jason Schmidt to the Giants and Bronson Arroyo to the waiver-wire ether.

But gosh, they've got Jack Wilson and his balsa-wood bat tied up for $13.75 million over the next two seasons, plus the $600,000 buyout of his 2010 option. And they sure stabilized that tricky fifth rotation slot when they took Matt Morris and the remaining $13.7 million on his deal off the Giants' hands last July. That second maneuver had to be the final nail in recently axed GM Dave Littlefield's coffin. Making Giants GM Brian Sabean look intelligent is more challenging than smoking a cigarette in the shower, and the Pirates did it twice (with the Schmidt and Morris trades).
There's depth in the rotation, in the form of Morris, Paul Maholm and Zach Duke, but let's not confuse quantity and mild reliability with quality. It makes no sense to me when sunny optimists point to mediocre pitchers like these three and say, "They're inning-eaters!" Yeah, sure, fine. At some point, though, wouldn't you like at least a few of those innings to be good ones?

[...]

Odds of becoming the next Colorado Rockies: Slimmer than a diseased Christmas goose and thinner than an anorexic latke. Even in the short-bus NL Central, only an act of God -- a plumbing rupture that waterlogs every other team, perhaps -- will get the Pirates into the postseason.
There's not a lot to suggest here. You can't just nuke a franchise and sell it for insurance cash (don't get any ideas, Mr. Loria). The Pirates have to start from scratch, purging the organization of all but the few promising parts that are left. This takes time and money.
At least the organization, as witnessed by its recent torching of all the administrative dead wood, finally seems to comprehend this. That ain't exactly a Wii under the Christmas tree, but it's still the best gift Pirates fans have received in years. "

Wow. Happy Holidays, Bucco fans.

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