bluemonkeydiscoparty's Blog

Top 10 reasons Lance Armstrong is returning to cycling

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:18:22 GMT

Lance is returning to the Tour De France next year to try and win his record 8th cycling title. Top 10 reasons Lance Armstrong is returning to cycling
I've slept with this many actresses today**** LaRue 09.SEP.08

10. Wants to make one of those Gillette commercials with Tiger, Roger Federer and Jeter.

9. Like many armies before him, enjoys dominating France every year.

8. Saw Michael Phelps win 8 gold medals and figured maybe winning 8 Tour De Frances would finally make bicycling relevent.

7. Somebody told him that he didn't have the balls to compete in another Tour De France.

6. Doesn't feel he has enough ESPY Awards.

5. Nike desperately needed a spokesman after Tiger Woods was lost for the year.

4. Would rather be chased by bikers he can get ahead of than paparazzi that always seem to be one step ahead.

3. Tired of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens getting all the headlines for doping allegations

2. Needs the money now that nobody buys those Livestrong bracelets anymore.

1. Can't go on one more annoying run with Matthew McConaughey without killing him, brah.

A letter from God addressed to NE Patriot fans from last ...

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:16:47 GMT

Dear Patriot Fans,

I know your probably standing on the edge of a bridge right now, because you think your football season is over. And I regret to inform you that this indeed will be the winter of your discontent. Look, I know you think football season (life) is now over for you, but it's not like I ended the career of your beloved Tom Brady. It could have been much, much worse. Just ask Joe Theisman.

Let's face it Boston, you've had a great run on my watch. But yesterday at around 1:10 EST we had to shut down Heaven because you flooded our servers with your prayers. While I applaud your zeal, we just can't keep up with all the sports related prayers in Boston all of the time. I know it's hard for you to believe, but I've got a few more pressing issues, like war, famine, AIDS, cancer, the bloodcurdling holy war that's quickly approaching...

You know how many people said my name in vain yesterday? 115 million and about 100 million of those came from the state of Massachusetts alone. A guy in Gillette Stadium said it 142 times; a new record. Un-be-lievable. Seriously you guys are soooooo dramatic when it comes to your sports. We haven't had a prayer avalanche like this since the 86' World Series. At least the answers to those prayers were simple. The answer to the first question was "no not this year," and the answer to the second question was "No I can't carpet bomb it, I don't even know where Bill Buckner lives."

That was the also the night heaven got the most prayers it'd seen since D-Day. Coincidentally, that was also the night that we saw a dramatic increase in atheism and it also set the record for "most people to die from alcohol poisoning." We were very busy that night. I'm talking standing room only. We had a line out the door a mile long. I'm talking opening night of a Star Wars sequel long. I couldn't believe it. We lost less Catholics during The Crusades.

My Sundays are busy enough without you praying for Randy Moss touchdowns and for every Wes Welk-ah slant to go for a first down. (By the way I have no idea how that guy does it. I created the slant route for slow white receivers, but that guy should be earning royalties for it.) There are 31 other NFL teams, not to mention Kurt Warner's wife who NEVER leaves me alone. You're just going to learn to appreciate what you have. I know Tom is. I mean have you seen that girlfriend of his? That's some of my primo work. He's not missing anything by spending a few months alone with her.

I don‘t know what else to do for you Boston fans. It's never enough. I finally gave in a few years ago and gave you that World Series title that you had been so desperately praying for like, 80 years. I was growing very tired of the whining and quite frankly, I couldn‘t stand it anymore. I mean with the accent, and the foul language, the prayers were sounding less and less like prayers and more like a Drop Kick Murphy's concert.

And to show I was a good sport about it, I went ahead and gave you another ring last year. Then I gave your beloved Celtics a title when I got inside Kevin McHale's head and made him trade you Kevin Garnett. Not to mention the 3 other Super Bowl rings I gave your Pats over the last few years. Even I couldn't believe you beat the Rams. Last year you got Randy Moss for a 4^th round pick! This streak of wild luck had to come crashing to a halt at some point. And that's what today was about.

Injuries like this happen. I've been telling Peter for years, they just need to invent a Robocop-like suit of armor to put on these guys so stuff like this doesn't happen over and over again. It's not an accident the Pope's car is encased in bullet proof glass. Contrary to what you believe, I can't be everywhere at once people and I certainly didn't construct the human body to strap on plastic helmets and run into each other at high speeds. Either get better pads or get used to things snapping and breaking when you slam yourselves together.

And if I may be perfectly honest, I don't even like the NFL. Anything that competes for my attention on Sunday (MY day) is subject to my wrath. Therefore anyone who plays it is on his own. Besides, I don't like football. I like the sweet simplicity of baseball. That's why I'm a Cubs fan.

And for the love of Me, all you New York Jets fans can quit thanking me in your prayers now. You too Cassell

I'm sorry New England,

God

P.S. - There is no reverse aging process that will ever be able to bring Larry Bird back into playing shape. His lower back is held together by thin tubes of glass and paper mache, so stop asking. P.S.S. - I don't want to be seeing one of those Hitler videos about this thing either...

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Funny NFL Team Mottos for 2008-2009

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:42:42 GMT

BMDP has friends at an advertising agency that works with the NFL. And while the NFL is as popular as ever, they still need a little shot in the **** to help sell tickets sometimes. Our source let us know what each team is using as a motto to help them try and get as many new fans as possible.

Giants - Hey maybe Eli Manning doesn't suck as bad as we originally thought.

Eagles - If you like drinking and swearing, you'll love rooting for the Eagles. Who are we kidding, you live in Philly. Drinking and swearing is what you do best.

Tampa Bay - Why aren't you watching the Rays right now?

Green Bay - We're gonna throw a #4 on the back of Aaron Rodgers' jersey and try and pretend this off season never happened.

Redskins - It's 3rd and 15...

Bills - Even we don't have Lee Evans on our fantasy team.

Bears - Now with 100% less Grossman.

Texans - The only team in Texas capable of making the slaughtering at the Alamo seem tame.

Raiders - What we don't beat in the stadium we beat in the parking lot after the game.

Miami - Come for the weather. Stay for the weather.

Ravens - You could get to see up to 4 different quarterbacks throw to Todd Heap during a single game. Scratch that, Heap is on the IR again.

Steelers - Cause there's nothing else going on in Pittsburgh.

Vikings - We'd just like to remind you we took Adrian Peterson with the 7th pick last year. Suck on that Detroit!

Panthers - If you don't come to the game Steve Smith will punch you in the face.

Jaguars - Every game that Fred Taylor's groin is healthy the fans get in free.

Chiefs - We clicked our ruby red slippers together all off-season long and we still couldn't get the **** out of Kansas City.

Bengals - You could pick most of this years team out of a lineup. And given our players penchant for breaking the law, there's a good chance you'll be doing so in a police station.

Colts - Peyton Manning took time out of his busy spokesperson career to play a couple of games for us this year.

Lions - We're only two seasons away from Jon Kitna's prediction of 10 wins in a season...come on, you live in Detroit--you should be used to disappointment by now.

49ers - The 49th person thru the gate gets to play quarterback.

Broncos - Our receivers will literally crash through you television screen.

Cowboys - If God had never intended for Pacman Jones to be a Cowboy he never would have invented **** bars.

Titans - For better or worse...Tennessee: Now with 25% more Vinceanity.

Patriots - We cheat on the field so our fans don't get cheated in the stands.

Rams - We swear to God, there will be no Gus Ferotte this year.

Seahawks - We aren't sweating selling tickets cause we know your not watching the Mariners or the Super Sonics.

Chargers - The only team capable of getting more use out of our health insurance policy than we get out of Ladanian Tomlinson.

Browns - We' re actually probably gonna be decent this year. SERIOUSLY! I know we are as suprised as you are!

Saints - The only thing blowing harder than the wind is Reggie Bush's yards per carry.

Jets - We don't know if you have heard, but Brett Favre will be piloting the "Crash and Burn" offense all season long.

Cardinals - Because the law of averages has to catch up with us at some point, right?

Falcons - You know dog fighting may actually be more entertaining than watching us try and play football this year...

Brett Favre triumphantly returns via Madden 09'

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:23:59 GMT

Brett Favre has rejoined the Packers. And believe it or not, amicably. It seems that the cheese heads in charge of the Packers weren't ready to turn the reigns of their team over to Aaron Rodgers quite yet. The NFL's most beloved record breaking quarterback is returning to Green Bay for another Super Bowl run after prematurely retiring after last season's play-off loss to the New York Giants.

Brett is returning by way of Madden 2009 on his own terms and he is set to prove that the Pack is "his" franchise. And technically it is, as Favre has used his advance copy of Madden as the springboard for his return to the NFL. He was so distraught about being left out of this years game, that he seized the opportunity to take control of the Green Bay Packers in franchise mode and with the magic of the create-a-player function, he was back in the saddle as the team's "new" and improved , virtual signal caller.

"Only made myself a 98," said the 38 year old quarterback. "I'm not perfect (see 288 career INT) and it gives me something to work for in training camp. And I will be taking my mega pixels to training camp this year. You can count on that."

Brett was extremely upset when he received a copy of the game with his picture on it, only to find out that he was nowhere to be found IN the game.

"I can't believe my good friend and my most vocal proponent left me out of the game this year. I mean I'm on the damn cover, what the heck kinda video game does that? You wouldn't play Tomb Raider without Laura Croft and you certainly wouldn't put Super Mario on the cover of Grand Theft Auto. So why would you put ol' number 4 on the box and then leave me out of the game? It's like a kid on Christmas morning unwrapping a box with a bike on it and then opening the box only to find out there isn't a bike inside. That's a sham. It's false advertising. It's oversights like this that are the reason I'm taking control of this team."

That wasn't all Brett Favre did to get ready for the season. Apparently he also decided to take "franchise mode" into his own hands and tweaked around a bit and brought in some new personnel. It looks like this season, Brett will finally live out his dream of playing with good friend and fellow good ol' boy, all-pro receiver Randy Moss.

When asked about the transaction Favre incredulously responded, "I mean a first and a second round draft pick for arguably the greatest receiver of all-time! Pwned! Bill Belichik may be a genius, but virtual Belichick is a moron. Even computer Al Davis wouldn't have made that trade after the season Randy had last year and that's saying something."

All things considered Brett seemed pretty pumped about strapping on the pads for the forthcoming season. His workouts were apparently going as well as planned.

"I've been working out in mini-camp mode," said an enthusiastic Favre. "I feel good, I feel fresh, I got a silver trophy on All-Madden mode in the passing drill and I mean, I think that just goes to show you that I‘ve still got the ability to play this game."

Apparently the team moral is virtually as high as it's ever been for the NFL franchise. "My morale meter is maxed out. All the way up. Randy's meter, maxed out. The defense has gotten better during the course of mini-camp and they all look ready to go, the fans are happy with ticket and concession prices and even the coach morale is as high as it can get," said a giddy Favre.

But what about Aaron Rodger's enthusiasm? He's been patiently waiting in the wings for his chance to quarterback the Packers. We wondered how he was taking the situation.

Aaron Rodgers meter was a different story. His morale meter is only half filled and he's become a locker room distraction. His agent says he wants to start, but I don't think he's ready yet. I'll tell you this much, he better get his **** in line or I'm gonna ship him off to the Argonauts. If he though Green Bay was cold, wait till he's throwing footballs in Canada, eh."

When asked if he felt that maybe this whole mess of a situation with the Packers and Rodgers could be a result of the dreaded and well documented "Madden Curse" that seemingly comes with being the Madden cover boy, Brett chuckled and gave us that aww shucks smile he's known for and simply said:

"Curse. Naw. My career ain't over till the fat lady sings."

And in this case, "it" ain't over till the confused quarterback irreparably damages his legacy along with a loyal fan base and can only get I back playing the fat man's game.

Good luck Packers, with #4 back at the reigns, you are a virtually assured a Super Bowl victory.

see more at www.bluemonkeydiscoparty.com

Inside the Gilbert Arenas contract talks

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 14:33:12 GMT

After the stellar reporting on Isiah Thomas and his Will Ferrell signing and my sit downs with Larry Bird, Isiah and Jimmy Dolan, I was upset that the Knicks sent Isiah to Europe or China or wherever "as far away from Madison Square Garden" is. I've been pretty bummed. That is until we were called down to Washington to sit in on the new contract negotiations for Gilbert "Agent Zero" Arenas and Wizards owner Abe Pollin. I knew that this would be an interesting sit down, but what happened during our time there made our brains hurt in ways we didn't think our brains could hurt.

I got down as much of the conversation as I could before starting to seizure and I ended up passing out in the same manner I do when we have Dizzy Bat Drinking Derby here at the office. Here's how the contract talk went down:

Pollin: Look, Gil, we wanna keep you around. We wanna keep cooking with the Hibachi. The Wizards are willing to g to any length to keep you in Washington. What do we need to do to make that happen?

Gilbert: I wanna live in the White House. There I said it.

Pollin: We can't do that. That's reserved for the President.

Gilbert: Then make me President.

Pollin: Gilbert, we can't do that. You'd have to be on the ticket with Obama to get elected. You're not even in the political arena. Some might say you're the farthest thing from the political arena. Some might also say that this is probably the best idea in the history of ideas. They probably wouldn't even let you be Mayor of Crazytown.

Gilbert: Don't need to. Already got a key to the city. If you have to get me on the ticket, then just make a call and get me on the ticket. I've been on tickets before.

Pollin: Those were Washington Wizard's season tickets Gilbert. We put you on those tickets.

Gilbert: See. That was easy.

Polin: Not the same kind of ticket. They don't fill 50,000 seats a night in the Oval Office.

Gilbert: They will when I start dropping 30 a night there. I already have a campaign slogans picked out for my political platforms.

Polin: I'm sure there fantastic, but we're trying to talk contract extensions here...

Gilbert: Go ahead, ask me something. Give me an issue.

Polin: Fine, but you have to promise to really sit here and hash this contract situation out with me. Is that a deal?

Gilbert: No.

Pollin: Terrorism.

Gilbert: Throw them **** on the grill cause you cooking with The Hibachi now baby. Agent Zero is on the trail!!!

Pollin: Great. That's good. Look --

Gilbert: Ask me another one.

Pollin: I dunno? What do you plan on doing for rising oil prices?

Gilbert: Everybody gets a free flying broomstick. Courtesy of Gilbert Arenas. There you go. Oil crisis officially fixed. Print up the flyers for "free flying broomstick" give-away night.

Pollin: I don't even know how to respond to that. And I hate to ask, but I have to ask...how do you suppose we get these flying broomsticks?

Gilbert: You're in charge of the Wizards right?

Pollin: Yes, we are the Washington Wizards. I'm a Wizard, you're a Wizard, we're all a one big Wizard family.

Gilbert: I wanna meet Harry Potter. And I want to meet him AT the White House.

Pollin: Gil, Harry Potter isn't a real person, He's a fictional character. Like Darth Vader or Deshawne Stevenson in the play-offs. No matter how hard you believe, he's not going to show up.

Gilbert: You SAID you run the Wizards. If you own wizards, you outta know Harry Potter.

Pollin: Gilbert, I can't just wave a magic stick and make imaginary people appear.

Gilbert: Harry Potter could.

Pollin: You do understand that we aren't actually real wizards. It's just a name. Like the Lions or the Pirates.

Gilbert: I don't wanna meet pirates.

Pollin: Well, that's a start.

Gilbert: But, I have gotta meet Harry Potter. I'm a huge fan. I want to learn how to fly those brooms like they do in the movies. Could you imagine the dunks I could do. I'd be the Dr. J of Hogwarts. Griffindo fo' sho' baby!

Pollin: Look, you play with amazing energy, you think so much differently than anyone I've ever met that I wonder how you even made it to the arena today and some days, I seriously think you're from another planet. I'm sure if anyone on this earth could will themselves into flying, it would have to be you.

Gilbert: I'm Agent Zero. And right now, that Zero stands for "A Zero tolerance stance on not meeting Harry Potter." I bet if Boom-Dizzle played for the Wizards he'd be meeting Harry Potter at the White House as we speak.

Pollin: Well he doesn't. Wait, what the hell's a Boom-Dizzle? Are you making this stuff up as we go?

Gilbert: I just want what I think I deserve.

Pollin: Look, if you want more money, we can give you more money. If you want more shots, we will try and find a way to shoot the ball more. I don't know how -- we'll just give up on defense altogether to get you more shots. I will PAY you by the shot if you want. But, I cannot in good faith promise you that next year you will be riding a flying broom in the Verizon Center, while waiving to Harry Potter and Ronald Weezly and Dumblewhatthefuck -- LOOK! I understand you're an eccentric. You like to blog about paint-ball wars and your 600 different types of shoes. Your house is filled to the brim with O2 and will probably go up like the Hindenburg, when one day you decide to put on a fireworks show in your living room and I know in my heart of hearts, that if NASA ever let regular citizens board the space shuttle, I'd never see you again. I can put up with that stuff.

Gilbert: I do all my fireworks displays in my kitchen thank you very much. It has a vaulted ceiling.

Pollin: I can't promise you'll meet all the different people that live in the make-believe world that exists in your head. However, I can pay you a substantial amount of money. With that money you could buy a magic unicorn from the Hamburglar and fly around the world while blogging about all 50 of your alter-egos. I mean you already stated that you're a wizard, so you should be perfectly capable of flying on your own, shouldn't you? I mean that's your logic literally running circles around your brain.

Gilbert: Oh my God. You're Right!

Pollin: (to himself) Oh no. I just opened Pandora's Box. I think I know how that guy felt in Raiders of the Lost Ark felt when his face started to melt-off.

Gilbert: Where does the dude from Harry Potter Live?

Pollin: I dunno Gilbert. Probably in L.A.

Gilbert: Cancel my contract, call Jerry Buss, fire up my unicorn and tell the government to move the White House to Hollywood! L.A. here I come. Hibachi OUT!

*We actually like Agent 0 here at The Party. We know he lives on Planet 0. We think Planet 0 should come meet Harry Potter in L.A. Come play for the Lakers! You hear that Gil, we'll introduce you to Harry Potter!

Athletes that should get in the ring and slug it out

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:16:28 GMT

After hearing that snitch extraordinaire Jose Canseco and former Philldelphia Eagles return man Vai Sikahema were going to don the red gloves and go toe to toe in what many believe will be a huge embarrassment to the sport of boxing and somehow manage to tarnish the reputation of Canseco even more than it already has been with the release of his anti-A-Rod manifesto; I thought about which pro athletes I would like to see step in the ring and beat each other senseless. Well, here they are and feel free to comment who you'd like to see fight at the bottom of the page.

Tag Team: Willie Randolph and Isiah Thomas vs. The New York Media - CAGE MATCH!!! It's a battle royal that would mirror those great WWF Royal Rumbles from the late 80's/early 90's. Willie and Isiah, taking on every New York newspaper reporter that has ever said an unkind word about their coaching styles. The rumble that will be giving a new meaning to "beat reporter." The winning reporter keeps their job, while the rest are cast out onto the streets to blog their way back from shame and obscurity.

Edge - Who cares? If the building caught on fire and no one made it out alive...would anybody really be THAT upset?

Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen vs. Bill Romonowski - I only picked this because I really want to see someone put an biblical style beating on super spaz, Madsen.

Edge - Psychonowski.

Brett Favre vs. whoever filed his retirement papers - I actually feel like this fight is going on as we speak. It's not a physical battle, it's more of a mental game. Some guy is sitting in the NFL head office and everyday at about 10:00 AM, he gets a cryptic phone call from a number that's been traced to a phone both somewhere outside Sheboygan and all that he hears on the other side of the phone is heavy breathing and the sound of a prescription bottle being popped open. Then again It could just be a cheese head having a massive coronary, who's name is more than likely, John Madden.

Edge - Favre, because everyday since he "retired" he hasn't't missed a phone call and I doubt he ever will.

T.O. vs. Chad Johnson - that turns into an end zone celebration dance off. The most interesting part of this fight is the weeks of press conference tirades these two prima donnas would get into before they even stepped in the ring. "He said what?" and "Nah, he don't know who he's dealing with," will surely be

It will be refereed by "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart, who will probably just end up being the judge of a slew of yo' momma jokes or an end zone celebration contest. Either way it will end up with the two star wideouts nose to nose, talking trash and making over enthusiastic and inappropriate hand gestures, meanwhile Randy Moss quietly trains for his Super Bowl lap at Patriots training camp.

Edge - The winner gets to play wherever he wants and the loser has to play for the Dolphins. As far as I'm concerned, no one wins regardless of the outcome.

Shaq vs. Kimbo Slice - 7'2' and 330 lbs of bad puns and worse knees vs. 6'2' 240 pounds of deranged looking, mean scary ****. I think that Shaq's obvious reach and weight advantage would make up for the fact that Kimbo has trained in mixed martial arts, used to relentlessly brawl in the backyards of some of Florida's dumbest wannabe tough men, and is currently an MMA fighter. Before gambling on a fight like this (if something like that was legal) one would have to remember that Shaq does have police training and might have some moves that we don't all know about...other than limping because of out of shape knees and missing almost all of his free throws in clutch situations.

Edge - Shaq has the reach and the distinct weight advantage, but I saw Kimbo Slice almost punch some guys eye out of the socket. I am going to render this a push and go on record saying that I would pay good money to see this event.

Suzy Kolber vs. Rachael Nichols - This will be a battle to the death and I realize that they aren't athletes, but they are somehow related to sports (both terrible sports reports who happen to be women) so I'm gonna count it. I certainly cannot stand either of these ladies, whether it be when they are reporting on the sidelines with no relevant information for me, over enunciating E...S...P...N (I'm looking at you red) or the looks on their faces when I'm burning "You Suck Sweatheart" on their lawn with gasoline. But, with rising gasoline prices, I can't afford to keep it up, so this fight is out of sheer necessity. If the people who watch ESPN are lucky, maybe there will be a double knock out or a double annoy each other to death. Either way, I don't need to hear the rambling incoherence of the victory speech.

Edge - I'd bet on Kolber because a few years ago she was a raging **** on the sidelines. That was of course before "The Worldwide Leader" got her a face lift and an attitude adjustment...we still think she has it in her.

Barry Bonds vs. Roger Clemens - Sponsored by BALCO, who should provide all the steroids needed for such a HUGE event. The battle for who has a bigger head. Come on! It's best steroid pitcher of his era vs. the best steroided up hitter of his era. The Battle of the Big Heads! This could start as a pitcher vs. batter battle and turn into a psychotic freak-out fistfight. The beauty of this fight is that no one would know what to expect from the two most roided out, arrogant land monsters to ever put on an MLB jersey. The entertainment value of something like this is through the roof and I think it would be a great event to put into the All-Star game festivities, right after the Home Run Derby.

Edge - Bonds. But, only because he'd have a bat and a helmet.

Brady Quinn vs. Derrek Anderson - Let's settle this quarterback controversy once and for all. Winner gets the job, while the loser gets to watch the winner lead the Cleveland Browns into another mediocre season and eventually to another missed play-off berth.

Edge- Quinn. Finally all the muscle milk and weight lifting pays off. Thanks Myoplex!

LeBron vs. Deshawn Stevenson - A fight fit for a King. Leave you favorite rapper at home because this balla' feud has escalated from a war of rhyming words to a bare knuckle boxing match at MSG (James should get used to performing there.) It would be the best fight in New York City since J.R. Smith and the Nuggets fought Nate Robinson and the Knicks back in 2006. Except this time, no suspensions, no rules, no mercy.

Edge - James. Seriously, who the hell does Stevenson think he is? You play for the Washington Wizards. Dude, I could score 12 a game on a team that takes like 200 shots a game. I can't understand how it is possible that the Washington players shoot their mouth off more than they shoot the basketball. I figure it will be easier to keep Deshawn's mouth shut in the off-season if it is wired shut after The King kicks it in. Tom Brady Vs. David Beckaham - It's footy vs. football, in a knock down, drag out, fight for the right to finally call their respective sports "The Football" or "Futball" or whatever the hell they want to call it. The winner would claim the World Championship Belt and will be this year's inductee into "The Lucky **** Hall of Fame," to stand beside the likes of Franco Harris for "The Immaculate Reception," Rob Schneider, for even being allowed to set foot within a 100 yards of the Playboy Mansion and Dennis Kuchinich, who has absolutely no business bagging a tall, hot, British redhead.

Edge - Brady gets hit by 250 lbs line-backers for a living and Beckham plays a game that cross-country runners play when they get bored with running through the woods. I'm putting my money on the guy who lines up across from people like Ray Lewis and is used to getting hit by the likes of Shawne Merriman. And of course, I'm American, so I'm biased.

Carlos Zambrano grows wings, flies out of stadium

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:32:14 GMT

It's a bird--it's a plane--it's Zambrano!?!

The strange saga of the Chicago Cubs just keeps getting stranger. It is reported that Carlos Zambrano's Red Bull addiction has escalated to an all-time high. Today the Cub's "Ace" reportedly drank 10 cans of the highly popular caffeinated beverage Red Bull, ran several laps around the bullpen and then suddenly blasted off like he was on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral.

Cubs medical staff had previously warned Zambrano of the adverse effects of his overindulgence in highly caffeinated drinks like coffee and Red Bull. They believe the pitcher's recent forearm cramping may be a direct result of the pitcher's pre-game routine of guzzling up to 7 energy drinks before his starts, then streaking toward the mound like a bullet train on meth.

"It gives you wings" said Cubs first baseman Derrick Lee. "Everyone knew it was just a matter of time. I've seen all the ‘Red Bull gives you wings' commercials during Sports Center. It makes dogs fly, angels fly, old ladies can fly to heaven and smack their husbands, that damn stuff makes genies come to life!"

Zambrano shot skyward out of the bullpen with 2 outs in the 8th, both frightening fans and players alike and even causing his own teammate Kosuke Fukudome to scream "Mothra! Mothra!" and abandon his outfield post for the safety of the visiting team's dugout.*

Manager "Sweet Lou" Piniella was then called onto the field by umpires to try and coax the now caffeine fueled Zambrano back to the ground. After 15 minutes of screaming obscenity laced tirades that ranged from insults about not coming through for his team and ended with a story of what a jackass Icarus had been, Lou still didn‘t seem to have made any headway. However it seemed the pitcher had had enough and he started firebombing the Cub's skipper with a barrage of Rawlings baseballs before finally sailing up over the right field bleachers and out of sight.

The embarrassing scene led to a minor delay, as the grounds crew had to be called out to clear the field of the extra baseballs and empty Red Bulls cans. During the delay Cubs players discussed the miraculous scene they had just witnessed.

Ryan Dempster became most vocal after having a moment to take it all in:

"That was just like in the commercial! What if a fan had been drinking Colt 45 and that big ass blue bull would have come crashing through the ivy? They could have gone bull for bull--that would have been sick! Oh man, what if Billy Dee Williams would have come crashing through the wall and given me a hug!?! Holy crap, that would have been better than 10 swimsuit models throwing out the first pitch!"

Some players who weren't as enthusiastic about Lando Calrissian crashing through right field like the Kool-Aid Man merely speculated where he might have fluttered off to.

" Maybe the market to get more Red Bull? Then after that he probably just flew back home" remarked catcher Geovany Soto, who was remarkably calm throughout the preceding events. "It was grow wings and fly away or he was gonna get so amped on caffeine that he'd throw his arm completely off his body, over home plate and into the first row someday soon. This was probably best case scenario."

No word on Zambrano's exact coordinates at this time, but it is believed he is probably at home resting up for his next start or Rocketmaning it up in the skies of San Diego looking for Michael Barrett. Once he's picked up on radar, he'll be escorted back to Chicago and rested at home until he ready feels ready for his next start.

And one thing is for sure according to Piniella, Carlos will be switching to decaf. "You bet your ass. We're gonna start calling him Sanka."

* not a joke at Fukodome's expense it's a joke at Mothra's expense. I happen be a "Fukudomer" which is a Fukudome fan. And yes I just made that term up.

more stories at www.bluemonkeydiscoparty.com

10 Chad Johnson Celebrations that will happen if he's traded

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 20:06:39 GMT

Number #85. Chad Johnson. Ocho Cinco. The man of many monikers and many touchdowns has been in the news the past few weeks on more than a few occasions for what seems to be the first annual 2008 "Chad Johnson No Longer Wants to be A Cincinnati Bengal Tour." Now we at the Disco Party are huge proponents of Chad and have been since he first started talking trash and donning those gold fronts on the atrocious early 00's Bengal squads. And while we will be sad to see Johnson pack up his props and head off to celebrate in end zones on far away fields, we wondered how the most entertaining football player of his generation would celebrate his move to $greener pastures$. Without further ado, we present to you our ideas on what Chad Johnson's last Bengal celebration may look like right before he skips town.

10. Try and be the first wide receiver to slap on orange and black floaties and race a cigarette boat down the Cuyahoga River. Chad stuns onlookers by actually moonwalking out onto the river like Jesus at a dance recital. Shocked observers start to believe they may actually be looking at football Jesus. That’s until they remember football Jesus actually lives in New England and dates a supermodel that would be more associated with Noah. It will turn out that Johnson isn’t actually walking on water, but on a plethora of floating garbage that’s been dumped in the river the past 50 years. Ironically, 10% of the waste will be Chad Johnson memorabilia while another 5% will be 2008 Bengal season tickets.

9. One on One bare knuckle boxing match between Johnson and Bengals coach Marvin Lewis at 8 p.m. behind the Stuckeys off route 275. Be there and be ready throw down some Benjamins son.

8. Johnson hires new Cincinnati Reds flamethrower Johnny Cuento to fire rocks into the windows of Paul Brown Stadium as he and Michael Flatly “River Dance” their way around Carson Palmers burning BMW while singing the apropos “Memories” from the Broadway show CATS. (I’m saying you outta get tickets early for this show cause it‘s gonna be a damn doozy)

7. Huge going away Fiesta for Ocho Cinco over a to Chris Henry’s pad with all the booze, Maui Wowie and high school girls that you can shake an unregistered firearm at. But beware if you’re a high school boy as Henry has a penchant to rough up minors and for God’s sake don’t park your Civic within throwing distance from Henry’s porch or you’re liable to go home with a black eye AND Budweiser bottle through your driver’s side window.

6. Johnson starts his Fantasy team early this year by taking T.J. Houshmazilla--Housemadilla- Houshe-mezada-- Houshmandzadeh knowing the Bengals don’t have any other receivers now. When reporters ask him how he thinks the season will go he will keep sarcastically screaming “Championship!”

5. Johnson will race, wrestle, then eat a 3,000 lb Bengal tiger before being promptly arrested and escorted out of the Cincinnati Zoo.

. “The Jailbreak” will be a celebration of misdemeanors and felonies as Chad visits all the local establishments of incarceration (prisons) where half the Bengal roster spend their off season to help his fellow teammates break out of the clink so they can once again run wild on the streets of Cincinnati. Crime immediately jumps 15% in the Cincinnati area and unregistered firearm sales skyrocket to epic proportions. Johnson opens his mouth to yell “Peace out” one last time while as the sunlight glistens off his gold fronts and C.J. rides out of town to a (illegal) Bengal .22 caliber salute. Luckily only 3 people will be injured in the proceedings.

3. Chad Ickey shuffles across the Brent Spence Bridge in his new pair of crazy ass ruby red custom shoes while shouting “There’s no going back home, there’s no going back home” as Drew Rosenhaus foams rabidly at the mouth and empties numerous gas cans behind the prancing Johnson until finally getting to the end, lighting Johnson's contract on fire and inevitable setting ablaze one more bridge between a beloved athlete and his adoring fans. And somewhere in Cincinnati, Carson Palmer watches black smoke billow over the stadium and quietly weeps at what might have been.

2. Gets down on one knee and proposes to Jerry Jones to help finally make him a Cowboy. This celebration is misinterpreted as Johnson ascertains when he gets down to Dallas and finds out that Texans aren’t exactly tolerant of one man proposing to another man or the “alternative lifestyle.” When Chad explains it was just a joke and a misunderstanding he quickly finds out that if only two things come from Texas and the steers are the only part of that equation that walk out under their own power.

1. And of course if he finally gets his wish to go to Dallas, we will see T.O. Chad Johnson in red convertible with both of their Yellow Hall of Fame jackets blowing gently behind them in the breeze as they reenact the final scene in Thelma And Louise and do all NFL fans a favor by driving the car off a steep cliff so that no one will have to put up with their end zone celebrations ever again.

Isiah Thomas, Jim Dolan and Larry Bird all walk into a bar..

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:04:56 GMT

Isiah Thomas, Jim Dolan and Larry Bird all walk into a bar. If you think it sounds like a joke, you'd be right, I mean just look at their respective track records. After we heard about the Knick's owner Dolan having a preference to keep Isaiah intact as coach, we envisioned how Jim would break the news to Isiah without committing hara-kiri. Of course as Knicks fans know, no one in New York can bear to stand talking about the oft faltering team unless they're at a bar...

Dolan: Bartender, a glass of Merlot please.

Isiah: You buying Jim?

Dolan: No sir, I only take care of salaries and sexual harassment lawsuits. Ha ha, but seriously, no.

Isiah: I'm glad you still have confidence in me, I was getting worried I was gonna have to start looking for a new job.

Dolan: Hey your still in the play-off run, which is mind boggling figuring we're on a blistering pace to win no more than 23 games. (sigh) 23 games.

Isiah: Gotta love the Eastern conference.

Dolan: We've only won 20 games -- Barkeep, screw the glass just bring me the bottle!

Isiah: I got two words for how we're gonna turn this team around Jim.

Isiah: Tyler Hansbrough. The College Basketball Player of the Year. He's a sure thing Jim. Carolina is know for their spectacular white centers! Remember Eric Montros? Mitch Kupchak? Cherokee Parks!

Dolan: Kupchak, now there's another management genius. Wonder if we'll be able to bring him in if Bynum doesn't pan out? Wait, I think that last one is from Duke.

Isiah: They're all the same mold. Awesomely un-athletic Caucasian basketball royalty. It's like every team that ever played the Globetrotters--WE COULD BE THE TEAM THAT PLAYS THE GLOBETROTTERS JIM!

Jim: That would help attendance...and we might win more games... I dunno Isaiah, I think we'd be better off with someone like Beasly or Rose.

Isiah: OR, or--what about a tree. Like not a little one, like a big one, like an oak tree or a redwood. We'll plant it in the lane.

Dolan: That's what you said about Eddy Curry and that didn't seem to work out too well. However, I will say a tree may have a better vertical.

Isiah: The place is called "The Garden" Jim, people will eat it up. Hey there's Larry! Larry over here!

Dolan: (mumbling) Doesn't mean we should turn it into an arboretum...although that would help attendance. Jeez, who am I kidding the New York media would just end up hanging me from it.

Larry: Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Indiana Pacers, who sport the third best record of the Central Conference. That's right, winners of just a shade better than 40% of our games...

Dolan: Barkeep, I'm gonna need a shot of Belvedere...

Isiah: I was just telling Jim about my idea to play a tree at center.

Larry: Like Eddy Curry?

Isiah: No, like a big ass oak tree or even maybe one of those tall pine trees, like the one they have in the Times Square at Christmas. We need a big mother to stop Dwight Howard.

Larry: French Lick had great trees...I'll give you a second round pick and Jermaine O'Neal for this tree you speak of.

Dolan: Really, a pine tree? I'm gonna spend 30 mil for a pine tree? Like the one at Stanford?

Isiah: I hadn't even thought of that! Jim you're a genius. With the third pick of the 2008 NBA draft, the New York Knicks select, the Stanford mascot!

Jim: ...And then they carpet bomb my house. Barkeep, you know what, no more wine, just mix up anything clear behind the bar in a bucket and throw a straw in it.

Larry: Heck, we got a guy named Travis Diener, ever heard of him?

Isiah: No

Larry: Either have I, but he runs the point in Indiana now. Drafted him at some point, I don't remember when. That's been our draft strategy of late, draft players no ones heard of and then nobody can be disappointed.

Dolan: Wait, we worked hard for our pick this year! I mean, uh, well, we tried to wor--well it just seems like an important pick. Too important to draft a tree.

Larry: I personally think that's a phenomenal decision. I would try and follow your footsteps, but the Pacers are moving in a new direction. We don't seem to be good at playing basketball anymore, so, well, we're turning the Pacers into a Fight Club.

Isiah: Now see that's a good idea. That's great, I mean I can't remember the Pacers being relevant since that night Artest punched the guy in the second row. See that's a GM for you. You're thinking outside the box Legend.

Larry: Yeah, we've got some real strict rules though, so don't tell anyone I told you. Gonna try and get Artest back and bring Bill Laimbeer out of retirement. Like our new slogan says "If you can't beat'em on the basketball court, beat'em in the parking lot on the way out." Or even in the stands cause we've really been struggling with a way to get the fans back involved.

Isiah: Nothing like a fist fight to get the people to start caring again. That's always been New York fan's motto.

Dolan: Bartender get me a bottle of Chivas and a funnel!

Isiah: You know I called Michael Jordan the other day to see who the Bobcats were gonna draft and he said something interesting. They don't even have a draft strategy, they just take the whoever is on the cover of Sports Illustrated at the beginning of college basketball season or the best available UNC undergrad.

Larry: So that's why they took Adam Morrison 3rd overall last year.

Isiah: They said he was the next you Larry.

Larry: Yeah, he's the white version of Larry Bird.

Isiah: You're white Larry.

Larry: But I didn't play like it. Plus I could rebound, run the floor, create space, pass, shoot the ball at better than 38%...

Dolan: And your mustache only made you look vaguely like a sexual predator.

Larry: Yessir.

Isiah: I think we picked Renaldo Balkman by pulling his name out of a hat.

Larry: We drafted Shawne Williams that draft.

Isiah: Who?

Larry: Exactly!

Dolan: Bartender bring me a gas can and a plastic bag to put over my head.

Isiah: I dunno Larry, maybe we're doing something wrong here. Maybe, we'd be better off just fishing or playing golf somewhere.

Larry: And just walk away from being a part of professional basketball?

Dolan: Impossible, you aren't a part of professional basketball because you don't play in the Western Conference.

Larry: Maybe it's just best if former NBA players just stay off the benches and out of the front office.

Isiah: I'll call Jordan and tell him if you call McHale.

Larry: Maybe we should all get a show on the NBA network?

Isiah: What about that high school girls team that's lost like all it's games the past few years. I mean that has to be the perfect situation for someone like me cause they're used to losing.

Dolan: Barkeep, as much crack as you can fit into a highball glass and a pack of matches.

Isaiah: Ahh, who am I kidding. I've got a great job! The owner still wants me around, right Jim?

Dolan: Yeah, but Donnie Walsh might not.

Isiah: Should I be worried? Maybe saving my money?

Dolan: I wouldn't buy any shoes that were more than the new Starbury's.

Isiah: Ha! I hate that guy. Spending $15 bucks on an over the hill shoes is still too much for me. That'd be a horrible financial mistake.

Dolan: You should be used to that by now...Check Please!

Denver Police to carry inebriated Nuggets into NBA Playoffs

bluemonkeydiscoparty — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 20:56:16 GMT

By now everyone who's a basketball fan knows that a few days ago Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony was pulled over under a suspicion of a DUI and then escorted home by a few fans police officers sans handcuffs. Seeing this as a can't miss managerial opportunity the Denver Nuggets have decided to bypass playing their last two games and just let the Denver Police usher them into the playoffs.

Why play basketball when you can just have the cops escort you to the playoffs? Think of how easy a championship could be attained if their were cops everywhere tasing the likes of Steve Nash, bludgeoning the already haggard knees of Shaquille O'Neal with their "rally sticks." Why stop there when they could call their friends at the INS on Dirk Nowitzki? Maybe they could arrest Tim Duncan for boring fans to death with his personality. And as for Kobe, they'll just cut a deal with the girl at the front desk of whatever hotel the Lakers are staying at. Kobe kinda finds his own trouble.

The Denver cops and the Denver Nuggets working together to build a better community! Can you say championship? Seems like a good idea to me. I mean why should police officers and professional athletes be held accountable for their actions? Let them do whatever they want because it's not like kids look up to them as role models and it's not like we all pay the police officers their salary--Actually, come to think of it...

At a press conference Melo scoffed at the notion that a fine or suspension would be doled out by NBA officials following his 4 a.m. joyride. "I got in the car didn't I? I failed those sobriety tests didn't I? With the money I make I coulda chartered a helicopter to come get me at the bar, but I figured 'I'm Melo, an athlete on billboards all over the city! No cop is gonna arrest me. I'll just be extra careful and throw the high beams on.' There's too much money involved for the NBA to try and make a statement at such an important time in the season. Nobody will say another word about this till after the season‘s done."

Given David Stern's track record of being notoriously lax when it comes to punishing his league's players over the years it would appear that Carmelo may have a point. It seems an all out brawl on national television is all that actually jars the NBA's Commish to take action against his sometimes unruly employees. Why wouldn't the players of the NBA walk all over him with their $200 sneakers? The man's got more Nike imprints on his forehead than Antoine Walker.

"You know David Stern" said a laughing Anthony. "Anything that put's money in the pockets of basketball owners come playoff time is OK by the NBA or the "No Blood Alcohol" league. With the Western Conference getting ready to make boatloads of cash in TV ratings this playoff season someone would have to punch a guy in the face to get suspended this time of year and trust me, I should know. I mean just the name David Stern is kinda ironic given all he‘s let slide over the years isn‘t it?"

Reporters wrote furiously for a moment and then suddenly stopped. It seemed that Melo might have ground to stand on after all.

Unfortunatley, before his comments could really sink in, Anthony kept talking. "It's a good thing that someone like Roger Goodell wasn't in charge of the NBA or otherwise I might not get the chance to be a part of the playoffs this year. You know things like public and personal safety aren't half as important as a championship ring. I mean a ring is a ring and a human life being extinguished in an alcohol fueled car crash--Well, humans springing up everyday in hospitals all over the place. I can buy a human being on the black market for straight cash son, but a championship ring only comes around once a year! It‘s all about the bling and the ring in the NBA. Oh and getting away with handfuls of misdemeanors."

Asked if he thought the on-court police presence might help in finally fending off the Warriors for the final Western Conference playoff spot, Nuggets guard Allen Iverson stepped in and became visibly upset.

"Cops. Cops. We talking about police officers here. It's easy to talk about being a franchise player with a disregard for the sobriety laws and personal saftey, yet we here talking about cops. I know they important. We talking about cops. We ain't talking about the game, we talking about cops right now. It's strange to me too, we ain't talking about DUI's here, we talking about cops helping in the playoffs. How's Melo gonna make his team better by not getting drunk and getting us cop escorts? We need these guys to help us get into the playoffs. I mean $20 million a year on each of us and it's become damn obvious we can't do it ourselves. Cops should help make me and Melo better team leaders. And I do anything the front office wants as long as I don't gotta PRACTICE. "

Anthony then chimed in "Yeah I'm a leader. I'll lead you all the way to two for one Jager Bomb night."

We at the Blue Monkey Disco Party will drink to that Melo! We know your just so damn busy playing your "game" that some of you athletes just don't have time to obey the law. Of course we'll just use some of our $80 million dollar contract to catch a cab home.