Jeff Boswell's Blog

NFL Week 9 Predictions

Jeff Boswell — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:47:01 GMT

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Baltimore @ Cincinnati (+3)

Week 8 was a bye week for the Bengals. For the Bengals of old, bye weeks were always good to tie up loose legal ends, or possibly meet with the commissioner and discuss terms of suspension. Not the 2009 Bengals. Their bye week was spent on more standard endeavors, like rest, relaxation, and publicizing a new social network.

"That's Chad Ochocinco for you," says Carson Palmer. "You know, in times past, we've had trouble with players who were ???trigger' happy; now we've got one who's ???Twitter' happy. The guy's a social butterfly. If he were as ambitious on the field as he is off, he'd be as great as he already thinks he is. Chad's taking Twitter to a new level of exposure. Call it a ???Twitter World Order.'"

"Yeah, it's just too ???Tweet,'" says Ochocinco. "I'm easily the most media-savvy player the NFL has ever seen. I'm the only one who can keep pace on the information superhighway. It's easy when you talk a mile a minute all the time."

The Ravens busted out of a three game losing streak in style, overwhelming the previously undefeated Broncos 30-7. Now they're chomping at the bit to avenge week 5's 17-14 loss to Cincinnati in Baltimore.

"Hey, I've got jungle fever," says Ray Lewis. "I guess that would explain these wild, erratic convulsions that seemingly always take place during player introductions. Me? I'm not one to connect with people on-line. I prefer to communicate face-to-face, and in the case of media moguls like Ochocinco, helmet-to-helmet. I'm great friends with Chad off the field, but on the field, I'd give anything for a chance to tear Ochocinco a new uno.'"

Do the Bengals get any respect? Obviously not. They're leading the NFC North and they're coming off a bye week, yet they're still three point underdogs. That can't sit in their craws well. I'm willing to bet that Pete Rose has money on the home team. But the Ravens won't let the North race become a two-team race between the Bengals and Steelers.

Joe Flacco throws for 234 yards and two scores, and the Ravens win 27-20. Afterwards, Flacco puts his gear up for sale, with proceeds going to charity, at a local Starbuck's, where one unwitting fan forks over $1,200 for a "cup a Joe."

Miami @ New England (-10 1/2)

The Patriots returned from London with a 5-2 record after a 33-14 win over the Buccaneers at Wembley Stadium. New England put on an offensive show, and the trip was a particularly fruitful one for Randy Moss, who seemed to be a fan favorite of the British.

"They love me over there," says Moss. "I think I've singlehandedly created a Patriot fan base over there. Even here in Foxboro, I can still hear their appreciative applause. That's one case of the ???claps' I don't mind bringing home."

"If only fans in Green Bay would treat me with such due respect. It still amazes me. You moon a crowd in Green Bay, and people avoid you like the plague. In England, when you moon a crowd, they ???bum' rush you."

In Miami, Ted Ginn responded to criticism of his pass-catching ability by returning two kickoffs for touchdowns in the Dolphins 30-25 win over the Jets. Ginn had 100-yard and 101-yard TD returns in the third quarter, becoming the first player with two returns of 100 yard or more in the same game.

"Ted may have trouble catching passes," says Chad Henne, "but if you give him a good four seconds to calculate and analyze the trajectory of a descending football, more times than not, he'll make the catch easily. That must be that engineering degree at work. And, with the Patriots scoring 94 points in their last two games, we can expect them to play right into our hands, with a lot of kickoffs to Ted."

With an extra week to prepare, Bill Belichick's had plenty of time to locate bootleg video of the Fins practicing the "wildcat" and kick returns. And if that requires him to drop quarters into the slot for five minute segments, then, by golly, he'll gladly watch a peep show down at the video shop on the shady side of town.

New England wins 31-17.

Washington @ Atlanta (-10)

After a 27-17 Monday night loss to Philadelphia two weeks ago, it appears that Sherman Lewis' play-calling is no better than Jim Zorn's, an issue that sent general manager Vinny Cerrato and owner Daniel Snyder scampering to interview additional bingo callers with NFL play-calling aspirations.

"I said it before and I'll say it again," says Cerrato. "This team is ???playoff material.' And our coach, Jim Zorn, is ???payoff' material-we'll be buying out his contract soon."

"And speaking of Bingo, when you spend $100 million to sign Albert Haynesworth, it doesn't leave a lot of ???free space' to address other glaring, and numerous issues. Like, for example, a quarterback. Jason Campbell is ???mmm mmm bad.' Of course, with proper coaching, he could be the next Gus Frerotte."

The Falcons dropped a 35-27 decision in New Orleans to fall to 4-3, three games back of the Saints.

"I'm not sure I could tolerate what Zorn is going through," says Mike Smith. "Snyder has single-handedly sucked the life out of the Redskins. What he needs to do is suck the ???suck' out of that team, and that would be by relieving himself of his duties."

Former Falcon and current Redskin DeAngelo Hall has said he'll cry if Washington beats Atlanta. Heck, I thought only Steve Smith could do that. I guess if the ???Skins win, it will be a real "tearjerk-er."

Atlanta wins 23-17.

Green Bay @ Tampa Bay (-11)

With thoughts of exacting revenge on Brett Favre now retired, the Packers can set their sights on more attainable goals, like beating the Buccaneers, or snatching a wild card playoff berth. Green Bay fell 38-26 to the Vikings as Favre outdueled his replacement, Aaron Rodgers, at Lambeau Field.

"I wanted that win badly," says Aaron Rodgers, "for my own selfish reasons. I think Favre, of all people, can respect that. But revenge will have to wait. The Vikes completed the sweep, so that ship has sailed. Luckily, there's another boat in Tampa, and like the Bucs, it's not going anywhere."

"As you know, I've been sacked 31 times this year, with almost half of those courtesy of the Vikings. I think I need to have a ???birds and the bees' talk with my offensive line and tell ???em the same thing my daddy told me: ???Where protection?'"

The Bucs and head coach Raheem Morris made a quarterback switch in their bye week, and rookie Josh Freeman will start against the Packers over Josh Johnson.

"I hear Rodgers had a street named after him in Green Bay," says Morris. "Was it a cul de sack? Anyway, Rodgers is a good role model for my young quarterbacks to follow. Despite being sacked that often, he maintains a good attitude. If you're going down that much, you've got to know how to ???pick yourself up' to remain successful."

Usually, it's quarterbacks gifting their offensive linemen with fancy watches. Not in Green Bay. Each of Rodger's offensive linemen presented their quarterback with a pocket watch, with a note wishing Rodgers luck "finding time" to throw.

Rodgers throws fofr225 yards and two scores, and Ryan Grant rushes for 138 yards and a touchdown.

Green Bay wins 29-13.

Arizona @ Chicago (-3)

Despite a sloppy 34-21 loss to the Panthers in Arizona last week, the Cardinals maintained the lead in the NFC West, as the 49ers lost in Indianapolis. Arizona's No. 1-ranked rushing defense gave up a whopping 270 yards on the ground to Carolina as the Cards three-game win streak was snapped.

"One game, we're flying to the ball," says Ken Whisenhunt. "In true bird fashion, the next game, we're laying eggs. I've seen better rush defense from a wet paper sack."

"Obviously, the win over the Giants went to out heads. Then our heads went up our asses. So, if you're talking division title, and you want to crown them, then crown their asses, not their heads, because they don't deserve it right now. We had the rest of the NFC West worried that we'd run away with the division, but we let ???em off the hook."

The Bears are 4-3 and trail the NFC North-leading Vikings by two games. Notwithstanding a 17-14 win over the Steelers in week, the Bears other three wins have come against opponents with a combined 4-18 record.

"Hey, why not steal candy from babies?" says Lovie Smith. "You've heard of the movie I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, right? Well, when playing the likes of the Lions, Seahawks, and Browns, it's wise to take an ???I'm Gonna Git You Suck-ers' attitude."

"Arizona won't be easy pickings, although five of Kurt Warner's passes against the Panthers would say otherwise."

Cardinals win 23-17.

Houston @ Indianapolis (-9 1/2)

If the Texans are to make a race of the AFC South, they'll face the daunting task of beating the Colts at home. With a win, Houston would trail Indy by only two games; a loss, and they would face a four-game deficit with only seven games to play.

"If we want to run with the big dogs," says Matt Schaub, "we'll have to do so on their porch. But are the Colts the ???big dogs,' or are they merely a ???dog and pony' show? I think the 49ers exposed some weaknesses in the Colts. So, it's up to us to go in to Lucas Oil Stadium and find out for ourselves if there truly is some substance to the Colts, or if in fact they're nothing more than ???bologna ponies.'"

The Colts escaped a well-prepared San Francisco team last week, beating the 49ers 18-14 without the aid of a Peyton Manning touchdown pass. It was the first time Manning had failed to throw a TD pass in nearly a year.

"As you know, Joseph Addai tossed our only touchdown pass against the 49ers," says Manning. "I've got no problem letting a running back win a game for me if I can't. Heck, it worked in Super Bowl 41. As for the Texans, Owen Daniels is out and Andre Johnson is hurting, so the potent Houston passing game may not be as potent as usual. If that's the case, our job is to keep the ball out of Steve Slaton's hands. If his recent benching is any indication, he may do it for us."

Indianapolis wins 30-24.

Kansas City @ Jacksonville (-6 1/2)

In Kansas City, the story is all about Larry Johnson. Johnson was to be suspended for two games for making gay slurs and criticizing coach Todd Haley on Johnson's Twitter account. However, the Chiefs backed off of the two game suspension, and Johnson now will only be banned for one game.

"Making gay slurs on your Twitter account?" says Haley. "That's akin to rushing for 2.7 yards per carry, because they'll both get you time off the field. Ironically, Larry's the one making gay slurs, but he's also the one putting a foot in his mouth. But I didn't come here to ???L.J.-bash.' It's not all about Larry Johnson. There's no ???I' in team. There's also no ???L' and ???J' in team, at least for the game in Jacksonville."

The Jaguars have their own disgruntled running back in Maurice Jones-Drew, the "Short Bus," who refuses to air dirty laundry on social websites. In fact, when ???MJ-D' gets ???PO-D,' he instead practices civil disobedience, and voices his displeasure non-violently, like, for instance, rushing for 177 yards on eight carries.

"That's over 20 yards a carry," says Jones-Drew. "Who's calling plays for this team? I think even some old-timer calling party games in an old folks home can see that whenever I touch the ball, it's ???BINGO!' Besides, the few people who actually pay to see a Jaguar game come to see me get the ball. Yeah, I know, that's not a lot of people. Trust me, I know it's easier to fully evacuate Jacksonville Municipal Stadium than it is to sell it out. But you get what you pay for. That's why Jack Del Rio is our coach."

Jones-Drew rushes for 144 yards and two scores, and Jacksonville wins 27-24.

Carolina @ New Orleans (-14 1/2)

The Saints are 7-0, one of only two remaining undefeated teams in the league. After giving up an average of 29 points in their last three victories, New Orleans needs a strong defensive showing to take some pressure off of their offense.

"We're certainly aware of the Panthers running attack," says Sean Payton, "but I think they'll try to surprise us and come out throwing. Despite his troubles, Delhomme's no slouch. Our defense respects him. In fact, they're a lot like him---they both lead the league in interceptions."

After manhandling the defending NFC champion Cardinals 34-21 last week, the 3-4 Panthers have a measurable amount of momentum for probably the first time this year. Carolina rushed for 270 yards on their way to avenging last season's playoff loss to the Cards.

"You know," says John Fox, "there was a time when our opponents wondered how to keep Jake Delhomme from beating them. How times have changed. Now we're the ones wondering how to keep Delhomme from beating us. Lately, Jake's been so erratic that I think he'd blow a kiss."

"But running the ball effectively seems to be our modus operandi, which I believe is Latin for ???having no choice.' Contrary to Coach Payton's thoughts, our game plan against the Saints will be a steady diet of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. Hopefully, that will leave a bad taste in the Saints mouths."

New Orleans wins 33-27.

Detroit @ Seattle (-10)

Matthew Stafford and his bum left knee head to Seattle to face the 2-5 Seahawks, another squad struggling with injury issues. Stafford was erratic last week in his first game back since injuring his knee against the Bears. He'll face a Seahawks team desperate for a win to keep pace in the NFC West, where the Cards lead the division with a 4-3 record.

"Stafford should best beware of what he may encounter here," says Jim Mora, Jr. "If you'll recall, the last time a knee, Detroit, and the Pacific Northwest intersected, Tonya Harding's goons whacked Nancy Kerrigan's knee in Motown."

"Why, why, why on earth would Mora bring up something like that?" says Stafford. "I know Harding's a big deal up in that area, but so is Bigfoot, and he's better looking, and nowhere near the type of publicity hound as Harding. Plus, he's undefeated in his boxing career."

"Anyway, why are we even talking about Tonya Harding? Is that just an easy way of segueing into proclaiming the Seahawks as ???lead pipe' locks against us?"

The Seattle offense has put up only 20 points in their last two games, and if you ask receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh, he'll tell you the most reasonable solution is to get him the ball more often.

"I can look in the seats at Qwest Field and see that fans are losing interest," says Houshmandzadeh. "The Seahawks used to personify excitement in the Pacific Northwest. Now, people are more hyped about the upcoming release of the new Twilight movie than they are about a Seahawks game. Can I blame them? No. Heck, I'd rather see New Moon than watch an ???old ass' quarterback not throw me the ball."

Matt Hasselbeck and Houshmandzadeh reconnect with two scores, and the Seahawks prevail 27-9.

Tennessee @ San Francisco (-5 ??)

The Titans finally excused themselves from the ranks of the winless, throttling the Jaguars 30-14 behind 224 yards rushing and two touchdowns from Chris Johnson, as well as a flawless day from Vince Young, who got the start in the wake of the Titans 0-6 start.

"Johnson rushing certainly made my day much easier," says Young, "but I made my own contributions, going 15-18 for 125 yards. I guess you can now call our offense ???Dash And ???Dump.'"

"Now, I fully expect to get the start against San Fran this Sunday. I assume this isn't a ???one and done' deal, a phrase which would certainly describe my experience taking the Wonderlic test. But I'm thankful I got the start against the Jags. It gave me some much-needed confidence, and it's good to have a start under my belt. Besides, I didn't want to have my ???coming out' party in San Francisco, of all places."

Despite a tough loss in Indy that left the 49ers 3-4, head coach Mike Singletary insisted the team would win enough games to go to the playoffs.

"I've got to stand up for a fellow member of the coaching fraternity," says Mike Singletary, "and show my support for Jeff Fisher. If he wants to wear a Peyton Manning jersey, that's fine by me. I really don't understand why people are talking ???shirt' about Fisher. There's no reason he should feel ???shirt-faced' about such an innocent act."

Can the 49ers stop Chris Johnson? Can the Titans stop Vernon Davis? The answer's probably no on both accounts, but San Fran will stack the line to stop Johnson and force Young to beat them. Young may be ready to start, but he can't "finish."

San Francisco wins 28-20.

San Diego @ NY Giants (-3 ??)

Philip Rivers and Eli Manning will forever be linked by the 2004 NFL draft, in which Manning was selected first by the Chargers, then traded to the Giants for Rivers, whom the Giants selected fourth. The two young quarterbacks will meet in Giants Stadium on Sunday, with their respective teams heading in opposite directions---the Chargers have won two straight, while the G-Men have dropped their last three.

"Of course, everyone knows that Manning had publicly refused to play for the Chargers if they drafted him," says Rivers. "Well, you can stop the John Elway comparisons right there. Sure, they're both ???draft dodgers,' but until Eli can give an overrated coach two Super Bowl wins, he won't be mentioned in the same breath with Elway."

"Less than a month ago, the Giants were undefeated and topping the list of many power rankings. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. And we thought Plaxico Burress' fall from grace was quick. It seems the G-Men, like Burress, have nearly lost their manhood."

If the Chargers are to win on the road, they'll have to get some pressure on Manning. Shawne Merriman, once one of the most feared sack artists in the league, has managed only two sacks so far this year.

"One has to wonder," says Manning, "whether Merriman's past success can be attributed to performance-enhancing drugs. It seems odd that as soon as he got ???clean,' he'd be ???washed up.'"

It's time for the Giants to get back to what they do best-running the ball first and allowing Manning to throw wobbly passes into single coverage later. River will keep the Chargers close by taking advantage of the Giants defensive backfield, which lately has shown less coverage than a fishnet bikini.

New York wins 24-19.

Dallas @ Philadelphia (-3)

When these two teams last met, it was the final week of the 2008 season, with playoff implications on the line for both teams. That game ended with a 44-6 Philly win, which the Eagles rode all the way to the NFC championship game. This time, the stakes aren't as high, but first place in the NFC East awaits the winner.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," says Tony Romo. "I'm treating this like a playoff game. That's good news for the Eagles and bad news for the Cowboys."

"As for rumors of a brewing controversy over me getting each of my receivers enough touches, well, that's nothing new to me. Heck, I can't tell you how many times last year I was accused of inappropriate ???touching.' Anyway, I'm not at all like Jessica Simpson-there's not enough of me to spread around."

With a win, the Eagles would not only take sole possession of first in the division, but they'd also proudly sport three consecutive wins over division opponents.

"I fully expect the Cowboys to come here with their game faces on," says Donovan McNabb. "Last year, they came in the same way, but left unable to even face themselves, with their heads hung so low they could see their tails between their legs."

"On Sunday, they'll have to deal with the hottest player in the league, DeSean Jackson, who's a threat to cross the goal line any time he steps on the field. We just hope he has the ball when he does it."

Philadelphia wins 30-26.

Pittsburgh @ Denver (+3)

Excitement is building for Monday night's game in the mile high environs of Invesco Field, so much so that Monday Night Football analyst John Gruden has already started excitedly over-exaggerating various aspects of the matchup.

"Hey, they don't call in ???Mile Hy-perbole Stadium' for nothing," says a giddy Gruden. "Troy Polamalu's hair is so luxurious, it's been proven impenetrable by the Cleveland Browns offense. James Harrison is so strong, he can lift three Samoan nose tackles with one arm! Kyke Orton's rebirth as the Broncos quarterback is the greatest resurrection since Jesus Christ's. Wow! That's exhilarating! I haven't embellished something this much since naming Keyshawn Johnson a No. 1 receiver."

Gruden's unbridled excitement is such that his partners in the Monday Night Football booth, Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski, are often assigned "contain" by the show directors.

Anyway, the Broncos 30-7 loss to the Ravens raised question about their legitimacy as an AFC power. Denver can address those questions, and silence them, with a win against the Steelers, who have won four in a row after a 1-2 start.

"Obviously, the Ravens gave Denver some looks they hadn't seen before," says Polamalu. "I think that look was called a ???defense.' Are the Broncos for real? I think you'll see that the Broncos are a lot like questionable hot-air balloon stories-they always come back down to earth."

"How many people have we proved wrong this year?" says Josh McDaniels. "More than Alex Trebek, my friend. Despite a loss, our philosophy will not change. Six wins is a fine accomplishment, but we've got so much more potential. Heck, if Travis Henry would have stopped at six, he would have only achieved half of his potential."

Steelers win 26-16.

NFL Week 8 Predictions

Jeff Boswell — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:10:52 GMT

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Seattle @ Dallas (-9)

With Miles Austin emerging as Tony Romo's favorite target, and the Cowboys offense second in the league in total yards, life in Dallas is copacetic, with Terrell Owens the last thing on Romo's mind.

"Hey, I like throwing the ball and saying ???Miles, away!'" says Romo, "almost as much as the fact that T.O. is ???miles away.' I feel like I'm ???on the same page' with all my receivers. In fact, I'm on Jason Witten's Facebook page as we speak, sending him a ???more than friends' request."

With injuries their biggest concern, the Seahawks welcomed week 7's bye, and should be relatively healthy for Sunday's contest in Big D. Seattle will be the first NFC West team to visit the brand new, $1 billion Cowboy Stadium.

"I hear that place is as cavernous as Wade Phillips' huge noggin," says Matt Hasselbeck. "Somebody tell the Peanuts Linus that the Great Pumpkin has indeed arrived. I also hear there's a horribly disfigured creature that inhabits the upper regions of the structure, and often makes it way down to the field, where its voice has been known to influence the coach."

That's true, Matt. Suffice it to say that creature is not "The Manster," Randy White.

Dallas wins 26-13.

Houston @ Buffalo (+3 ??)

After a 24-21 win over the 49ers, the Texans are 4-3, second in the AFC South, with a week 9 meeting with the Colts looming. Before that, however, they'll have to get by the surprising 3-4 Bills, who, despite their 27th-ranked offense, are only two games out of first in the AFC East.

"We have no intentions of looking past the Bills," says Matt Schaub. "They're riding a two-game winning streak, and they're winning in typical Buffalo, blue-collar fashion. Sure, their offense is ranked 27th, and their defense isn't much better, ranked 24th, but that's the kind of balance most teams would welcome. Balance defines that team-they're winning with equal parts ???smoke' and equal parts ???mirrors.'"

Ryan Fitzpatrick will make his second consecutive start while Trent Edwards recovers from a concussion suffered two weeks ago. The Harvard-educated Fitzpatrick is a quick study, and reportedly mastered the playbook in one sitting, while head coach and Yale grad Dick Jauron learned it the old-fashioned way---he fired the offensive coordinator.

"One would think," says Jauron, "that our combined intellect would be able to successfully manufacture some offense. For whatever reason, we've been Ivy ???be-leaguered.'"

There's precipitation in the forecast for Sunday. Unfortunately for the Bills, it's not snow. Instead, it's the tears from Owens' imminent breakdown. With Andre Johnson less than 100%, the Texans ride Steve Slaton to victory. Slaton rushes for 123 yards and a touchdown.

Houston wins 30-14.

Minnesota @ Green Bay (-3)

Brett Favre's long-awaited homecoming in Green Bay is upon us, and it couldn't have been scripted any better. The Vikes are 6-1 with the Packers close behind at 4-2, and a Packer win would forge a practical tie atop the division. The Packers have won two straight by a combined 57-3 score, while Minnesota lost for the first time last week, falling to the Steelers 27-17 in Pittsburgh.

"This may be the most anticipated event in Green Bay since my first tearful retirement press conference," says Favre. "This game has the potential to be a real barnburner. Throw in some snow and Matt Hasselbeck, and you've got the makings of a true classic."

"I'm not sure how the fans will react to my return. I'm not expecting casserole for my homecoming. With the game taking place a day after Halloween, it's appropriate to say my reception will be ???Trick Or Treat.' That's just fine. I don't mind Halloween-themed events, nor do my teammates, who just enjoyed a cruise on Lake Minnetonka on the SS Ghostly Tail."

"I guess I can expect somewhat of a cool reception in Green Bay. I was once considered a god there, but it seems my status as a deity is no longer. It looks as though my inability to ???decide' has resulted in a case of ???deicide.' That's a ???vowel movement' this 40-year-old would rather not experience."

Favre's counterpart, Aaron Rodgers, was sacked eight times in the Packers 30-23 loss in Minnesota in week 4. Jared Allen recorded 4.5 of those sacks, as well as a forced fumble.

"We can't have a repeat of the last game," says Rodgers. "Allen is an avid outdoorsman; there's nothing he likes more than a ???sitting duck,' or a ???deer in the headlights.' After last time, I think my offensive line owes me better protection. They're beholden to me. And, if they don't think they can stop the Vikings front four fairly, then they better ???be holdin.'"

What will there be more of when Favre comes to town? Gunslinging or mudslinging? Packer head coach Mike McCarthy has stressed all week a Viagra theme to his offensive linemen, because their job is to keep Rodgers upright. And, like the decision to retire, that's easier said than done.

Vikings win 27-23, as a stunned hush falls upon the stadium, not a Lambeau "peep" to be heard.

St. Louis @ Detroit (-3)

The Rams are one of three winless teams in the NFL, joining the Buccaneers and Titans in the ranks of teams looking to break into the win column in week 8. The Rams are 0-7, and have lost 17 straight regular season games, Running back Steven Jackson, third in the NFL with 635 rushing yards, has been one of the Rams few bright spots.

"Few bright spots?" says Jackson. "How about lone bright spot? When I'm asked to name one good thing about the Rams, I like to quote another Jackson, Michael Jackson, when I say ???This is it.'"

"As for our 17-game losing streak, well, it's nothing to be proud of. But this is: our playoff losing streak is holding firmly at one. Can anyone but the Steelers top that?"

The Lions are still debating the availability of rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford, who is still feeling the effects of a knee injury suffered on October 4th. If Stafford can't play, Daunte Culpepper will get the start.

"Despite our records," says Stafford, "I think one thing is perfectly clear for the Lions and Rams: we're both better off with Matt Millen and Rush Limbaugh in their respective studios."

"I'm ready to go if my knee can hold up. His injury has given me ample time for film study of the Rams. I've spent so much time in the video vault that my teammates have started calling me one of ???The Men Who Stare At Sheep.'"

What's more difficult than watching this game? Picking a winner.

Detroit wins 27-16.

Miami @ NY Jets (-4)

The Jets are 4-3 after blasting the Raiders 38-0 in Oakland while forcing the benching of JaMarcus Russell. After Mark Sanchez threw five interceptions in the Jets loss to the Bills, New York kept the offense simple, calling a whopping 54 rushes while passing only 15 times.

"I think that's a gentle way of the offensive coordinator of saying ???We don't have faith in you,'" says Sanchez. "As opposed to the more abrupt manner of saying the same thing, which I experienced while walking along the New Jersey Turnpike, where I was nailed in the noggin with a can tossed by an obviously frustrated Jets fan, who yelled ???Hey, think fast, Sanchez.'"

"Obviously, I don't have to think fast when throwing only 15 times, nor when I'm gobbling a hot dog in the Black Hole. Already I regret doing that, but not nearly as much as I regret actually saying ???gobbling a hot dog in the Black Hole.'"

Miami nearly pulled off an upset of the undefeated Saints last week, blowing a 24-3 lead before falling 46-34. That loss left the ???Fins with a 2-4 record, good for last in the AFC East. So, Sunday's game in the Meadowlands has to be considered a must-win game.

"Before we get a nation of teeny-boppers all aflutter," says Tony Sparano, "let's just clarify this story about ???Mark Sanchez's weiner.' It's a hot dog, folks. If one New York player equates playing the Raiders to a ???scrimmage,' then it's perfectly fine for another New York player to enjoy a frank during another Oakland destruction. Heck, this isn't a first for a Jet quarterback. Joe Namath tried to enjoy a foot-long on the sidelines before, but Suze Kolber would have no part of it. She obviously didn't want to go ???all the way.'"

With a 31-27 loss to the Dolphins in week 5 still fresh in their minds, vengeance is in the heads of the Jets. Revenge won't come unless New York can find a solution to stopping Miami's "wildcat" offense, which baffled them earlier. Maybe the answer is giving the Dolphins a taste of their own medicine, though. Rex Ryan may be a defensive genius, but he's got some offensive ideas up his sleeve as well, like the "public option," a variation of the wishbone that gives Sanchez four options, none involving a pass.

New York wins 22-20.

San Francisco @ Indianapolis (-11)

The Indianapolis juggernaut continued to roll, as the Colts bested the winless Rams 42-6, improving to 6-0 with a critical stretch of games approaching. After hosting the 49ers, Indy welcomes AFC South rival Houston to Lucas Oil Stadium, followed by a visit from the Patriots. Then, Indy travels to Baltimore before facing the Texans, this time in Houston.

"I haven't run that kind of gauntlet since I filmed seven commercials in the span of 15 hours," says Manning. "Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the endorsement aspect of my job. But it can become grueling, like it did when I worked on the Direct TV ad featuring my brother Eli and I. I swear it took the director and I at least an hour to convince Eli that the word ???Omaha' was not in the script."

"As for the 49ers, this game will be about receivers. There are two of the best pass-catching tight ends in Dallas Clark and Vernon Davis. After one game, it's clear that Michael Crabtree is a talent, a true ???keeper.' Or, in bail bondsman speak, a ???retainer.' Reggie Wayne is possibly the most technically-gifted wideout in the NFL, and ???boy,' is Pierre Gar??on a talent. His favorite pattern? The ???allez' route. He deserves a lot of credit, as do his parents for naming him."

After starting quarterback Sean Hill struggled last week against the Texans, Alex Smith took over and promptly led the 49ers to three second half touchdowns, all scoring passes to tight end Vernon Davis. Mike Singletary has named Smith the starter for Sunday's contest.

"Alex has done something he's yet to do as a professional," says Singletary. "He's earned the starting position."

"Now, as for the Colts, I'll have to call on all of my defensive knowledge to devise a game plan to slow Manning. His football I.Q. is off the charts. And he could sell sunglasses to a blind man. Is there anything at which he doesn't excel? Yeah, there is. Take it from one of the 1985 Chicago Bears---Manning can't rap. I should know. I've got Samurai ???mic' skills. How does that help me stop Manning? It doesn't, but I'll be able to rhyme my congratulations after we go down."

Manning versus Smith? Edge to Manning. And also "edge" to Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis, who will both turn the corner on their blistering "edge" rushes and harass Smith.

Indianapolis wins 34-17.

Cleveland @ Chicago (-13 ??)

For the Bears, the shame of a 45-10 blowout loss in Cincinnati will be hard to forget, but a visit from the lowly Browns and their unstable quarterbacking situation should more than start the healing process. Chicago has lost two straight, and desperately needs a confidence-building win over the 1-6 Browns.

"It certainly wasn't pretty in Cincinnati," says Lovie Smith. "We basically let the Bengals have their way with us. Heck, I guess you could call Cedric Benson ???Goldilocks,' because he not only found our porridge, chairs, and beds to his liking, but also our defense."

"I object to Cedric's claims that we ???badmouthed' him after releasing him. He ???badmouthed' himself, with alcohol breath when he failed Breathalyzer tests after driving and boating mishaps years ago."

Turmoil is an appropriate word to describe the situation in Cleveland, where Derek Anderson continues to struggle at quarterback. It's rumored that head coach Eric Mangini is refusing to play Brady Quinn to deny Quinn millions of dollars in incentives for playing time, saving the team money that could be better spent, or in Browns lingo, wasted, on say, another quarterback.

"Look, I won't lie," says Mangini. "Sure, I'm trying to save the team some money, but I'm also trying to save Quinn the embarrassment. Besides, with the new season of I Want To Work For Diddy just days away, I'm giving Quinn a head start as the first contestant on the companion show, I Want To Work For Diddly."

What's the big deal about giving Quinn playing time? Start him, and he's apt to be pulled after a quarter or two. Doesn't Mangini see the simplicity in the quarterback situation? Choosing a starter? That's difficult. Deciding who to bench? That's easy.

Chicago wins 31-6.

Denver @ Baltimore (-4)

With three consecutive losses, the Ravens desperately need a win to keep pace with the division-leading Bengals and Steelers, who are 5-2. A win over the Broncos will keep Baltimore hot on the tails of the division leaders. However, a loss, and Baltimore will fall below .500 for the first time this year, a scenario Ray Lewis would like to avoid.

"3-4?" quoth the Raven. "3-4? We don't want to go there. I think even the great Edgar Allan Poe would agree that that would probably result in a ???Premature Burial' to our playoff plans."

"If nothing else, though, we're playing for pride. Defensively, we're not playing up to our capabilities. We're lacking passion and fire. In keeping with the Poe theme, who was known to have a drinking problem, we're suffering from an ???absinthe' of malice."

Josh McDaniels has brought youthful exuberance to the head-coaching position in Denver, and the players have quickly bought into his system. The Broncos are 6-0 and boast a three game lead in the AFC West.

"I wear my emotions on my sleeve," says McDaniels, "whereas Mike Shanahan wore his on his face. It's no wonder Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall were ???seeing red' when I got here---they had been conditioned to do so."

"I'll put my defense up against the Ravens any day. ???The Raven' may be big in Baltimore, but ???The Hawk,' Brian Dawkins is hot in Denver. I'd like to say this is a contest between two great defenses, but I can't. Because the Ravens are playing."

Broncos win 19-17.

Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-3)

If the sight of Tennessee head coach Jeff Fisher in a Peyton Manning jersey has proved anything, it's that Titan attempts at humor should be best left to the field of play. Fisher is still feeling the backlash after he removed his coat and tie to reveal a No. 18 Manning jersey at a fundraiser just days after a humiliating 59-0 loss to the Patriots.

"Hey, what's the big deal?" says Fisher. "Usually, when there's a Titan around and someone starts removing clothing, people get shot. This was just harmless fun."

"What's wrong with being able to laugh at ourselves? Heck, everybody else is. In hindsight, however, I guess it wasn't a wise thing to do. I think most people are surprised that an intelligent, reserved man such as myself would pull that type of stunt. I guess even the best of us drop a ???smart bomb' on occasion."

Unlike the Titans, the Jaguars have something to play for, and that's a futile chase to catch the Colts in the AFC South race. The Jags are 3-3 and realize that losing games to winless teams will quickly undermine playoff aspirations.

"I, like many, was stunned to see Fisher in a Manning jersey," says Jack Del Rio. "But at least the sight of Fisher in a Manning jersey makes waves. That's more than you can say about the sight of Vince Young in a Titans jersey. Heck, there's no way Fisher should be fired, despite Tennessee's awful start. As a fellow coach, I don't want to see him lose his job. Especially since I might be the guy he replaces."

Titans owner Bud Adams has insisted that Young start over Kerry Collins against the Jaguars. Hey Vince, rejoice. This Bud's ???for' you.

Jacksonville wins 30-24.

Oakland @ San Diego (-16 ??)

Is Richard Seymour standing by his guarantee that the Raiders would make the playoffs? It was an unexpectedly bold prediction, one that confounded most level-headed observers, as well as one that left even Jim Mora speechless.

"I believe Seymour is still under the delusion that he's still a Patriot," says Philip Rivers. "I haven't heard anyone toss out guarantees like this since George Foreman. It's just another sign that the Raider franchise is in disarray. If you're a Raider fan, there's really nothing to be proud of, except the fact that Tom Cable leads all NFL coaches in TKO's. Despite the decision of the district attorney, I find it hard to believe that Cable did not slug the assistant coach. Cable's an intimidating figure, and his presence apparently had an intimidating effect of some witnesses. But I tend to believe Randy Hanson's version, as well as that of ???The Fight Doctor' Ferdie Pacheco, who scored that meeting 10-8 in Cable's favor."

Hey, Pacheco scored that on the "ten point must" system, which the Raiders obviously don't adhere to, since they're averaging only 8.8 points per game.

Rivers throws for 231 yards and two scores, one to Antonio Gates and one to Darren Sproles. With the outcome in hand, Rivers, in an eye patch, enjoys a hot dog on the bench.

Chargers win 27-13.

NY Giants @ Philadelphia (-3)

With a veritable three-way tie atop the NFC East standings, the importance of Sunday afternoon's Giants-Eagles matchup can't be understated. The winner gets, at worst, the lead in the division, while the loser faces an early setback in what is sure to be a tight race for the East crown.

"As for the importance of this game," says Donovan McNabb, "I understand it. As for NFL tie-breaking procedures, I'm clueless. And speaking of ???Clue,' did I hear correctly that Mark Sanchez did it on the sidelines with (Colonel) Mustard?"

The Giants have lost two straight after starting the season 5-0, and their two losses have come to NFC opponents, which could have tiebreaker repercussions down the road.

"We're not looking too far down the road," says Eli Manning. "We'll leave that kind of daydreaming to our ???G-Menace II Society' Plaxico Burress. I miss that cat. He saved us in Super Bowl 42. Consequently, his Super Bowl ring has saved his ass more than once in prison."

"Anyway, Coach Coughlin always keeps us focused on the task at hand. Win or lose, you get the same expression with him, one that's a mix of both consternation and constipation."

With Bryan Westbrook dazed and confused, the Giants will make it a priority to stop DeSean Jackson, who John Gruden believes has been more explosive over the early part of the season than anyone in NFL history. Overstatement? Not in Gruden's mind, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, his statement's not preposterous. It's not like he's guaranteeing a Raider playoff berth.

New York wins 23-20.

Carolina @ Arizona (-9)

After a dismal three interception, no touchdown performance in a 20-9 loss to the Bills, it appears Jake Delhomme's days as Carolina's starter are numbered. Delhomme has struggled all year, and his downfall seemed to begin with last year's 33-13 playoff loss to the Cardinals, a game in which Delhomme threw five picks. The Panthers travel to Arizona probably seeking mercy more so than vengeance.

"It's safe to say Jake is not the most popular player on the team right now," says John Fox. "Heck, I fear for his safety as much as I do for my job. Only in Carolina is a ???roughing the passer' penalty called on the offense."

"Statistically, Jake's having the worst season of his career. His passer rating is a lowly 56.5. I'm not sure, but that's got to be near the bottom, if not the worst, in the league. It's not 66.6, which is the ???number of the beast.' It's much worse. It's the ???number of the least.'"

The Cards have won two-straight, and are beginning to resemble the team that nearly won the Super Bowl last year. Arizona is even 2-0 on the East Coast after failing to win there at all in last year's regular season.

"People may be surprised to hear this," says Kurt Warner, "but our rush defense is ranked No. 1 in the NFL. So, Bibles aren't the only thing getting ???thumped' around here. It's that kind of commitment to success that keeps me around. That, and the words of the ???good book.' And by ???good book,' I don't mean an offensive playbook featuring three talented wide receivers and very little running. Anyway, you can poke fun at my religious conviction all you want, but I'm not phased. Don't hate the ???prayer,' hate the game."

Anquan Boldin is nursing an ankle injury, so look for No. 3 wide receiver to play a larger role in the offense, a situation Matt Leinart refers to as "Breast'" enhancement.

Arizona wins 34-13.

Atlanta @ New Orleans (-9)

After escaping Miami with a 46-34 win after trailing 24-3, the Saints are 6-0 and breathing a sigh of relief. But, like the Dolphins, the Falcons won't go down easily, as Atlanta needs a win to prevent a New Orleans runaway with the NFC South division crown.

"Even in the darkest of times," says Atlanta head coach Mike Smith, "there's light at the end of the tunnel, or at least in one end of Cowboy Stadium. But I think we match up well against New Orleans, and a win in the Big Easy should ease the pain of a loss in Big D. To quote former Falcon Michael Vick, ???this will be a dogfight.'"

After Sunday's game, the Saints face the Panthers, Rams, and Buccaneers before a week 12 showdown with the Patriots. New Orleans could be 10-0 at that point, and 16-0 is not out of the question, considering the lower half of the NFC South.

"We're not fitting ourselves for Super Bowl rings just yet," says Sean Payton. "That's a distinction that must be earned. Much like my reputation on Halloween. It took years of distributing only the best candy for trick-or-treaters before they bestowed the nickname ???Sweetness' on me. An undefeated regular season is great, assuming you win the Super Bowl. Coach Smith may see light at the end of the tunnel for the Falcons, but here in New Orleans, we've got ???tunnel vision.'"

New Orleans wins 34-27.

NFL Week 3 Predictions

Jeff Boswell — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:56:47 GMT

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Kansas City @ Philadelphia (-9.5)

The Eagles' ears are still ringing in the wake of last week's 48-22 drubbing at the hands of the Saints, who scored seemingly at will against the Philly defense. That ringing noise? It's the recurring notes of "When the Saints Go Marching in, And In, And In."

"I'm not too pleased with the defensive effort," says Andy Reid. "And if you want another alternate title to a song applicable to last Sunday's game, how about Elton John's 'Philadelphia Freed 'Em to Score as They Please?'"

"But with Donovan McNabb still nursing sore ribs and Michael Vick eligible to play, we've got to ask ourselves one thing. And that's 'Can Vick play defense?' Well, he can, but only in a courtroom setting."

"I've said it once and I'll say it again. If Donovan can't go, Kevin Kolb will get the start, and not Vick. I hate to keep a brother down, but Michael's not quite ready. So, it's 'K.K., 'kay?'"

Todd Haley's conditioning regimen seems to be paying dividends so far. Although the Chiefs are winless, they've been competitive well into the fourth quarter of both losses.

"Exactly," says Haley. "Hey, when I took this job, I made no promises that this team wouldn't suck. I just said we wouldn't suck wind."

"But the truth is we don't suck. In fact, we may be no more than two years away from competing for the AFC West title, or as little as three months away."

Michael Vicks gets in for eight plays, and on a quarterback scramble in the second quarter, becomes the first player to be 'dog-collar tackled' when Chiefs safety Jarrad Page wrestles him to the ground. Page is not penalized, however, as all members of the officiating crew were "looking the other way" when the infraction occurred.

The Chiefs hang tough, but Philadelphia wins, 27-21.

Washington @ Detroit (+6.5)

After a less than impressive 9-7 win over the Rams last week, neither the Redskins, nor their fans, can be too happy with the team's performance so far. Add in some political pressure from Native American groups frustrated with the team's nickname, and you've got big trouble in the nation's capital.

"Well," says Redskins head coach Jim Zorn, "it's obvious that any references to 'Native American pressure' can't be in regards to our pass rush, because we don't have much of one."

"Of course, our offense wasn't much better. We managed only three field goals. That's not how I drew it up, although 'Jay-Z's The Blueprint 3' does sound good, at least on paper. Scoring in increments of three won't win you many games."

In Detroit, the Lions have given quarterback Matthew Stafford the starting position and let him run with it. Unfortunately, instead of running with it, Stafford has been passing, to the tune of 5 interceptions in two games.

"Obviously, Matthew's learning curve won't be a steep as a Matt Ryan or a Joe Flacco," says Lions head coach Jim Schwartz. "In fact, Matthew's may be as gently sloped as the crown of a football field. That should work out nicely, because by the time he understands the nuances of the game three or four years down the road, it'll be time for another No. 1 draft pick."

Against the 0-2 Lions, you have to give the Redskins the edge, if for no other reason than Ford Field is a great place to kick field goals. But are the 'Skins ripe for the picking, and if the Lions pull the upset, is Jim Zorn ripe for the pruning? To go along with his itchy wallet finger, Daniel Snyder also has an itchy trigger finger.

Detroit wins, 23-20.

Green Bay @ St. Louis (+6.5)

There's probably no better way to bounce back from a painful home loss than a visit to St. Louis, where the Gateway Arch beckons visitors to enter the Midwest, and, much like the Rams defense, offers little resistance. The Packers dropped a 31-24 decision to the Bengals in Green Bay last week, and Chad Ochocinco even took a Lambeau Leap after scoring the go-ahead touchdown.

"Hey, I'm disappointed our fans allowed that to happen," says Aaron Rodgers. "Apparently, they haven't seen a baseball game at Chicago's Wrigley Field, otherwise they would have tossed Ochocinco back onto the field."

"Instead, our fans chose the passive route to objecting to Ochocinco's heinous act, and filled his Twitter account with thousands of angry Tweets. But Ochocinco got the last word - he answered every one of them."

"We definitely need to right the ship in St. Louis, before we head to Minnesota the following week for what is sure to be the most anticipated game of the year. I'm usually not one to look ahead to next week, but standing here, with the Rams defense in front of me, I can actually see the Metrodome."

After all the praise the Packer defense received in beating Chicago, they were exposed by the Bengals and their talented offense, which features playmakers at all the skill positions. The Rams aren't the Bengals, though. When you say 'playmaker' in St. Louis, you're usually referring to someone's high school drama teacher.

A-Rod goes yard on the Packs second possession, hitting Donald Driver for a 65-yard touchdown. The Green Bay defense steps up, holding Marc Bulger to 165 yards passing.

Green Bay wins, 30-17.

San Francisco @ Minnesota (-6.5)

How would one describe San Francisco's 2-0 start to the season, which has the 49ers atop the NFC West standings and has generated a sense of gaiety in a city that has longed to return to the glory days of old?

"Whatever you do," says Mike Singletary, "just don't call it 'flaming.'"

"Sure, we're off to a hot start, but we've earned every bit of it. This isn't your daddy's 49er team. We won't beat you with Hall of Fame quarterbacks and receivers, nor will we stop you with a hard-hitting safety and his 9?? fingers. Hey, what's the difference between Ronnie Lott and a phone number? A phone number has 10 digits."

"All joking aside ... in a moment. What do you call a steamy erotic drama starring Ronnie Lott and Kim Basinger? "9?? Digits." Okay, I guess you guys didn't know that Samurai Mike had a sense of humor. Of course I do. I rapped on 'The Super Bowl Shuffle.' What's funnier than that? There may not be a West Coast Offense here, but there is a West Coast rapper in the house."

Like the 49ers, the Vikings are 2-0, with two road wins, and flawless play from Brett Favre, who set the NFL record with his 271st consecutive start, breaking the record of Minnesota defensive end Jim Marshall, who set the record from 1961 to 1979.

"I'm honored to pass the great Jim Marshall," says Favre. "It's truly amazing to be able to start that many consecutive games as a defensive end. It's even more amazing that he did so without not once retiring."

"The last thing I want to do is overlook the 49ers with the Packers coming here on October 5th. But it's hard not to. I've had that date circled on my calendar since the schedule was released. But you know me. Between all the retirements and all the comebacks, I've got a lot of dates circled on my calendar."

Does the winner of this contest officially claim the "for real" tag, signifying it as a legitimate NFC contender? You bet. And the NFC rushing lead will likely be decided, with Adrian Peterson looking to extend his 35-yard lead on Frank Gore.

Peterson wins the battle, rushing for a hard-fought 110 yards and a score, and the Vikes win the battle, 22-19.

Tennessee @ NY Jets (-3)

One thing is for sure after the Jets bullied the Patriots into submission last Sunday in the Meadowlands: if Rex Ryan and the Jets tell you they're going to do something, then, by golly, they're going to do it.

"Or maybe the Patriots just aren't that good," says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "And I might just know a thing or two about teams that 'just aren't that good.' We're 0-2, and that's not good."

"It's a very rare occasion to see the Patriots intimidated and taken out of their game. I know Tom Brady is expecting a child, but I never expected to see him in the fetal position."

"But I know my guys well enough to know they won't run and hide, unless it's Vince Young from a standardized test, or playing time."

"And I'm confident in myself as a coach to know that I run a clean program. You won't catch me tampering with another team's unsigned draft pick. But let's not jump to conclusions. I think the Jets did, in fact, contact Michael Crabtree, but not for his services. I believe they were inquiring about a good bail bondsman for Shaun Ellis."

Ryan and the Jets impressive 2-0 start has the city of New York in a frenzy, with many a call-in radio fan dialing frenetically for the chance to express their love for the home team. With the Giants also a perfect 2-0, the Big Apple is a collective 4-0, and talk, albeit premature, of a Big Apple Super Bowl.

"Who knew that when Frank Sinatra crooned 'New York, New York,'" says Ryan, "he was talking about a Jets/Giants Super Bowl? Hey, I bet Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., and the rest of the gang were Jets fans. And I bet they called themselves the 'Jet Pack.'"

Hey, let's hand it to the Jets, or at least thank them. In a week when very few teams played defense, the Jets did with flying colors. They will again against the Titans, who desperately need a win. But the Titans can as well, at least when facing an 0-3 start to the season.

Tennessee wins, 17-16.

Atlanta @ New England (-4.5)

After losing the war of words with the Jets, the Patriots must turn their attention to the 2-0 Falcons and quarterback Matt Ryan, who starred at quarterback for Boston College. Atlanta has ridden a balanced offensive attack and a resilient defense to two home wins, and now will test themselves against an angry and humiliated Patriots team.

"We know the Pats are dangerous when down," says Ryan. "And they probably don't want to hear what we're going to do to them any more than we want to tell them."

"But our plan is no secret, anyway. We'll run Michael Turner to set up play action, and on defense, we'll limit Tom Brady's time in the pocket with pressure. Now, if Bill Belichick wants a tape of our practice, I'll gladly send him one. That's assuming he doesn't already have one."

The Patriots are 1-1, and, save for a monumental Buffalo collapse in Week 1, would be 0-2.

"Obviously," says Tom Brady, "we have a problem with New York teams that like to bring pressure. Luckily, there's only two of them in the league."

"But it's no time to panic. I know when it's time to panic, and that's when my two baby mommas are at the same place at the same time. Or Wes Welker and Randy Moss are at the same place at the same time - the injured list. Luckily, that hasn't happened."

Atlanta wins, 23-21.

Jacksonville @ Houston (-3 1/2)

After being shut down by the Jets in Week 1, the Texans offense finally displayed the potency many expected, scoring 34 points and dominating through the air in a 34-31 win over the Titans. The Matt Schaub-to-Andre Johnson connection accounted for 149 yards and 2 touchdowns, and that duo should see success against a Jaguars defense that forced only two Kurt Warner incompletions.

"Yes, the amount of Warner incompletions was alarming," says Jack Del Rio. "But not nearly as alarming as Matt Leinart's completions. Anytime Leinart gets playing time against you, you know it's bad news."

"And we couldn't get pressure on Warner or Leinart. Leinart seemed to be downright enjoying himself in the pocket. I think it was more likely we were guilty of 'fluffing' the passer than 'roughing' the passer."

"There's been a lot of talk about blacking out our home games. I added a twist to that this week - I blacked out tape sessions of the Arizona game."

Well, Jack, hopefully you've scouted your opponent via tape study. If you have, you probably noticed that the Texans surrendered 240 yards on 26 carries on the ground.

"So, you're saying that if I get Maurice Jones-Drew 26 carries, he'll accumulate 240 yards?"

More or less.

Jones-Drew won't see 240 yards, but he will see 26 carries. Jacksonville wins this on the ground, rushing for 222 as a team.

Jacksonville wins, 27-23.

NY Giants @ Tampa Bay (+7)

The Giants played spoiler to the opening of Dallas $1.15 billion stadium in Arlington, stunning the Cowboys 33-31 on Lawrence Tynes' field goal as time expired and ruining the night for Jerry Jones, who had taken a helicopter flight down from his luxury box to enjoy what he thought would be a Cowboy victory.

Now the Giants head to Tampa to face the 0-2 Bucs in a stadium worth approximately $1 billion less than the Cowboys palace.

"Arlington Stadium is overrated," says bruising running back Brandon Jacobs. "Despite all of its amenities, it's still a 'single star' facility."

"It matters little the stadium we're in, though. In Arlington, there's a stiff, wooden structure in the owner's box; in Tampa, there's one in the end zone of Raymond James Stadium. One has crow's feet, the other a crow's nest."

"And, with Plaxico Burress off to take a two-year walk off a short plank, we've needed our receivers to pick up the slack. And they have. Steve Smith had 10 catches for 134 yards and a score. I think it's safe to say he's now known more as a top receiver than as 'the Steve Smith who doesn't punch teammates.'"

With two division wins already, the G-Men look to extend their G-string in a three-week stretch at Tampa, at Kansas City, then at home against Oakland, before what looks to be a huge showdown at New Orleans on October 18th.

New York wins, 24-12.

Cleveland @ Baltimore (-13)

With a huge 31-26 win in San Diego, the Ravens are 2-0 and in first place in the AFC North. Ray Lewis made perhaps the game-saving tackle last week when he drilled Darren Sproles for a loss on fourth and two with the Chargers driving for the potential go-ahead touchdown.

"That may have been the greatest defensive regular-season play of my career," says Lewis, "and possibly the only defensive play we've made this year. We're giving up 25 points per game, which is about twice as much as we did last year."

"But my play against the Chargers was only good enough to make No. 2 on Deion Sanders' top 10 plays of the week, the only top 10 list delivered from the corner of 21st and Prime Time, and the only top 10 list delivered in street lingo from a man dressed in a style that falls somewhere between pimp and preacher."

"Those NFL Network blowhards are like Kanye West - they don't know when to shut up. Is it just me, or would it have made more sense if Kanye had delivered his apology on an episode of Pardon the Interruption?"

It's been a dismal start to the year for the Browns. Already, they're in an 0-2 hole, and head coach Eric Mangini is in a $25,000 hole to the league for failing to disclose Brett Favre's biceps injury last year.

"A Brett Favre injury?" says Mangini. "That had to be the worst-kept secret in the league. How times have changed. Then, I tried to cover up an arm injury to my quarterback. Now, I'd give anything for an arm injury to my quarterback."

After two uncharacteristic defensive performances, it's time for the Ravens to blister an opponent. What better team than Brady Quinn and the Browns?

Lewis finishes the game by sacking Quinn, then punctuates the takedown by downing a serving of EAS Myoplex shake and then saying to the fallen Quinn, "Now you're done."

Baltimore wins, 29-9.

Chicago @ Seattle (+1)

Jay Cutler played mistake-free in the Bears 17-14 win over the Steelers last week, a week after 4 interceptions raised a stink in Chicago. Cutler threw 2 touchdown passes and led the Bears into range for Robbie Gould's game-winning field goal.

"Bears fans don't take kindly to a four-interception day," says Lovie Smith, who was not conceived at Woodstock, but was, in fact, present there as a roadie for Sly and the Family Stone. "And the locker room wasn't too happy, either. Even Rex Grossman was disgusted, and he doesn't even play here anymore."

"But I think Jay has found his comfort zone. He's got that swagger back and he seems to have a better understanding of our offense, which is built on the principle of throwing to the right team. Sure, he's got a rifle arm, but a rifle arm is pretty useless when it's used to shoot yourself in the foot. When we decided to deal for Cutler, in other words, when we decided to 'pick six,' we didn't do it with interceptions in mind."

Only two weeks into the season and the Seahawks are facing catastrophic injury issues. Matt Hasselbeck, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, and Walter Jones, among others, are nursing injuries, which has turned what looked to be a promising student into one that could dangerously spiral downward.

"Tell me about it," says Jim Mora, Jr. "Talk about an injury 'list.'"

Chicago wins, 22-17.

New Orleans @ Buffalo (+4)

Shaking off the disappointment of their Week 1 collapse against the Patriots, the Bills left no doubt against the Buccaneers, jumping to a 17-0 lead on the way to an eventual 33-20 win. The 1-1 Bills now face the daunting task of slowing the NFL's highest-scoring offense, a Saints squad averaging over 46 points per game.

"It won't be easy," says Dick Jauron. "If we can keep 'em under 30, I think maybe we could go home happy to un-vandalized lawns."

"You know, it was really unfortunate that fans felt the need to deface the lawn of Leotis McKelvin, whose fumble against the Patriots cost us the game. However, I've got to hand it to those fans for accentuating their vandalism with imagination and clever wording. It seems they painted Leotis' front yard like an end zone, with a sign that read 'Keep On.'"

The Saints are no yard vandals, but they have been known to "tear up the turf" so far this year. And regardless of how well the Bills defense plays, their offense will have to produce to keep up with the Saints. Much of the burden for that falls on Terrell Owens, who had his first touchdown catch as a Bill last week.

"I'm not one to shy away from attention," says Owens. "Unfortunately, there's very little of that to be had here. In Buffalo, doing sit-ups in the driveway is not a spectator sport."

"Now, it only someone would have told me years ago of this yard vandalism as a form of protest, then I could have left a swath of destruction running from San Francisco to Dallas, via Philadelphia."

Owens has a big day, catching 8 balls for 128 yards and 2 touchdowns, but that's not enough to keep up with the Saints' offensive juggernaut. Nobody circles the wagons like the Bills, but nobody crosses the "T" in touchdown like the Saints.

New Orleans wins, 31-22.

Miami @ San Diego (-6.5)

LaDainian Tomlinson is in a walking boot, Philip Rivers was fined for taunting, and San Diego has serious shortcomings on defense. Oh how the Chargers long for the time when the unsubstantiated claims of a ditzy, C-list, mildly retarded reality star were their only worries.

"Well, it seems as though we've rid ourselves of one 'wildcat,'" says Norv Turner, "just in time for another. That being the 'wildcat' offense made fashionable, and productive, by the Dolphins. The 'wildcat' is a lot like Philip Rivers - a 'useful tool.'"

Miami learned a hard lesson last Monday against the Colts: that a three-to-one advantage on time of possession doesn't always translate to victory. They also learned that blatant mismanagement of the clock often results in a futility.

"I've made a note of what I learned on Monday night," says Tony Sparano, "especially the concept that it's best to kill the clock when you have the lead, and not when trailing by four points."

"Really, this is all my fault. When we spent an hour in practice on the two-minute drill, I didn't expect my offense to apply that literally in a game."

With a short week after a Monday night game, and a long plane trip across America, the Dolphins will be too darn spent to present any resistance to the Chargers, who are at home and desperate to validate those fools that picked them to win the Super Bowl.

Philip Rivers throws for 287 yards and 2 scores, and Shawne Merriman puts his hands on Chad Pennington, recording 2 sacks.

San Diego wins, 27-14.

Denver @ Oakland (-2.5)

It's not often a team wins when the number of incompletions tossed by its quarterback exceeds the number of points scored. But it happens, as the Raiders 13-10 win over the Chiefs proved. JaMarcus Russell was 7-of-24 for 109 yards. Oakland is 1-1 and in a three-way tie atop the AFC West.

"Look, the important thing is JaMarcus didn't turn the ball over," says Tom Cable. "We're not going to win offensive shootouts. For us to be competitive, we'll have to win with defense and conservative offensive play-calling. Slowly, I'm seeing players and coaches alike buying into my system. I want my players to drink the Kool-Aid, and my coaches to swallow the 'punch.'"

"If they continue to do so, the Raiders will be relevant again, and maybe Ice Cube will stop making family-friendly movies and put back on his Raider gear like a real man."

The Broncos are a somewhat surprising 2-0, with one of those wins courtesy of Brandon Stokley's miracle in Cincinnati in Week 1. Last week, Denver manhandled the Browns 27-6 at Mile High.

"One thing's for sure," says Josh McDaniels. "You don't need a miracle to beat the Browns. But it never hurts to ask for one."

"Yes, Stokley's touchdown catch was a miracle. And, if lighting should strike twice, I just hope one of them hits Brandon Marshall."

Raiders win, 16-13.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (+4.5)

Should the Bengals be in the discussion, with the Ravens and Steelers, when the subject of AFC North supremacy arises? The next three weeks should answer that question, as the Bengals host the Steelers, followed by road games at Cleveland and Baltimore.

"Hey, I don't want to get into a long discussion about that," says Chad Ochocinco. "It's way too early. Besides, I'm compelled to communicate in short, barely coherent texts of 140 characters or less."

"But if you want a simple answer, you won't get it, because I'm incapable of those. However, I can give you loads of things you didn't ask for, like the return of the list of cornerbacks who didn't stop me, or a theme for a touchdown celebration, should I score. This week's will have a Spanish flavor, but contrary to some internet rumors, I won't be choking Tila Tequila after I score."

"As usual, I'll give the fans what they want, and that's my touchdown 'pinata' celebration, in which I swing from the crossbar while everyone flogs me with a stick."

While the Steeler defense seems to be managing without the injured Troy Polamalu, concern on offense is the lack of a consistent ground game.

"Hey, don't knock the offensive line. Those guys may not give our running backs room to run, but they sure give me plenty. I'm sure Dancing With the Stars will be calling, because I can move for a big man."

Cincinnati sacked Aaron Rodgers 6 times last week, but Rodgers isn't as nimble afoot as Roethlisberger, who may be the best east-west runner in football. Big Ben will likely air it out at least 40 times, so, when he drops back, the Bengal defense not only needs to pressure him, they need to tackle him.

Cincinnati wins, 23-21.

Indianapolis @ Arizona (-1)

Offense should be in high gear when the 2-0 Colts head to Glendale to challenge the 1-1 Cardinals. Indianapolis won 27-23 in Miami on Monday night, despite only holding the ball for only 14:53, compared to 45:07 for the Dolphins.

"You know the old saying," says Manning. "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Well, give a Manning a team of Dolphins, and it'll only take him a quarter of an hour to eat."

"But above all things, we owe our defense an apology for making them stay on the field while we sat on the sidelines chilling in the mist while enjoying some Gatorade. That's 'G,' and that's 'R&R.'"

The Cards bounced back from a Week 1 defeat with a 31-17 win over the Jaguars. In that game, Kurt Warner set an NFL record by completing 92.3% of his passes (24-of-26).

"That's darn near perfect," says Warner. "I don't think you'll see a lot of incompletions come Sunday, especially with two defenses worn down from games in hot, humid Florida. Jacksonville's about as close to Hell as one can get, which is convenient, because from what I hear, you practically have to deal with the devil to see a game on TV there."

"I welcome the challenge of facing Manning. He's a good Christian man, I think, although he seems to have sold his soul. Not to the devil, though. It's much worse - to Oreos, Gatorade, and DirecTV."

The Colts defense will get a break in Arizona; the Cards don't take nearly as long to score as the Dolphins.

Arizona wins, 35-31.

Carolina @ Dallas (-10)

Jake Delhomme and Tony Romo are two of the NFL's most polarizing quarterbacks, praised when winning, but vilified when losing. Both have found a generous share of scrutiny, Delhomme after 5 turnovers against the Eagles in Week 1, and Romo after a 3-interception performance in a loss to the Giants on Sunday night.

"I'm the quarterback of America's Team," says Romo. "So, when I play badly, I'm apt to get a 'country' whipping."

"But I refuse to be discouraged. Tony Dorsett may not believe in me, but the man upstairs has my back. That's Jerry Jones, of course, not Jesus. And you can worship both in the fabulous new stadium - Jesus in the chapel on the fourth floor, and Jerry in the larger chapel on the fifth floor."

Delhomme played much better in the Panthers' 28-20 loss to Atlanta. He's yet to connect with Steve Smith for a touchdown; he should be able to against a Dallas secondary that was victimized by the Giants.

"If the Cowboys game with the Giants indicated anything," says Delhomme, "it's that there's plenty of room to throw in that place."

"Arlington Stadium is such a cavernous structure, one could easily disappear is such a spacious area. We've seen that even in a smaller venue, like the Georgia Dome, someone as large as Julius Peppers can be hard to find. In Julius' case, anytime he gets lost, he can easily be spotted by locating the huge wallet hanging out of his back pocket."

Delhomme will find Smith often, but ultimately, the Cowboy rush will get to Delhomme, forcing a crucial turnover. Romo throws for 224 yards and a touchdown, and Marion Barber finds Peppers and goes through him for a short touchdown.

Dallas wins, 27-24.

NFL Week 2 Game Previews

Jeff Boswell — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:55:08 GMT

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Houston @ Tennessee (-7)

The Titans have had 10 days to contemplate their tough 13-10 loss in Pittsburgh last Thursday, and while there's no shame losing in overtime to the defending world champs, the disappointment still resonates. Particularly for LenDale White, whose personal vendetta against Terrible Towels has overshadowed his hatred of the Steelers themselves.

"That's right," says White. "Losing is a lot like Tila Tequila after some time with Shawne Merriman - tough to swallow. And I regret acting as I did. But I've laid the Terrible Towel incidents to rest - after washing, drying, pressing, and neatly folding one, of course."

"We here in Tennessee often create quite a fuss over inanimate objects. Like Terrible Towels, or Vince Young, for example. Vince rarely moves on the sidelines. Sometimes, he's so motionless that pigeons land on him. Now, maybe they're just there to perch, but I think some are there to brag that their Wonderlic scores are higher."

The Titans are angry, rested, and ready to take out their frustrations on division rival Houston. Even without Albert Haynesworth, the Tennessee front four is formidable, and can stop the run as well as generate pressure on passing downs. Jeff Fisher won't let the Titans fall to 0-2.

White and Chris Johnson combine for 156 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Tennessee wins, 26-14.

Carolina @ Atlanta (-7)

How do you erase memories of a six-turnover performance in the playoffs last year? Well, if you're Jake "The Mistake" Delhomme, you do so with a five-turnover travesty in the season-opener. Delhomme did just that, throwing 4 interceptions and losing a fumble in the Panthers' 38-10 home loss to the Eagles.

"To say it was a case of d??j?? vu is an understatement," says Steve Smith. "It was more like a case of 'deja WTF!'"

"I can stand here all day and tell you that I have faith in Jake, as long as I'm not within arm's length of the Holy Bible. Maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board. I'm sure Coach Fox and his assistants can congregate in his office and come up with a suitable plan of action. Heck, our cheerleaders have proven that they can come up with some pretty good ideas after brainstorming in a 3'x5' bathroom stall. I have equal faith in our coaching staff."

Well Steve, John Fox is sticking with Delhomme, which means you're "stuck" with him. But the team did pick up A.J. Feeley as insurance, in case Delhomme falters, takes refuge in a car trunk, jets to Argentina to see his mistress, or misses 4-6 weeks after Smith clocks him.

Sure, it's too early in the season to declare this a "must-win" game for the Panthers ... but only by a week. An 0-2 hole surely leaves you in a must-win situation. How will Carolina upset the Falcons at home? By establishing the run, at all costs, taking an early lead, and thus allowing Delhomme some easy play-action completions later in the game.

Smith catches a long score on a flea-flicker from Delhomme, and John Kasay kicks the game-winning field goal late in the fourth quarter.

Carolina wins, 30-27.

Minnesota @ Detroit (+9??)

Brett Favre's debut as Viking quarterback was a resounding success as Minnesota prevailed on the road in Cleveland, 34-20. Adrian Peterson rushed for 180 yards and 3 touchdowns, but just as importantly, Favre had no turnovers and not once displayed the urge to toss some crazy underhanded pass. Favre also showed the boyish, unbridled enthusiasm he is known for, celebrating widely after a touchdown pass to Percy Harvin.

"I think you can put the talk of a 'divided' locker room to rest," says Jared Allen. "It's hard not to root for Brett, especially since he's on my team. He's got such a 'disarming' quality about him, and that has nothing to do with his history of injuries. Brett and I are both country boys, so we bonded immediately over talk of high-powered rifles, camouflage coveralls, and smokeless tobacco. Heck, we're already swapping jeans like giddy schoolgirls."

Only for the Vikes can such a monstrous day from a running back be overshadowed by such a mediocre day from a quarterback. Of course, the Lions' Matthew Stafford would kill to have a day like Favre's. Then, by extension, Stafford would probably commit genocide for a running back with Peterson's talent. Stafford had 3 interceptions and a passer rating of 27.4 in a loss to the Saints.

"I don't expect Matthew to run and hide from this," says Jim Schwartz. "He may be a rookie, but he can own up to his mistakes. In fact, he micro-blogged about it on his personal social networking site, Jitter."

It won't be easy for Stafford against the Vikes, either. Running is difficult, and nearly impossible, against Minnesota. Defensive tackles Kevin and Pat Williams are free from suspensions for now, and defiantly wear Dallas Cowboy hats in protest of the furor over their use of the Star Caps supplement. They'll force Stafford to throw it, which he should be able to do against the Vikings secondary.

But the Lions have to make Favre beat them. What's the best way to do that? Well, they could load the box with eleven, or they could call a press conference and order Favre to make a decision immediately.

Peterson goes for 150 yards and 1 touchdown, and Favre hits tight end Visanthe Shiancoe for a score. With the game in hand late in the fourth quarter, Favre retires to the bench.

Minnesota wins, 34-21.

Arizona @ Jacksonville (-5??)

Kurt Warner is the prototypical white quarterback, a pocket passer with limited mobility and an aversion to absorbing punishment. So, when the defending NFC champion Cardinals travel to Jacksonville, comparisons are inevitable between Warner and the Jaguars David Garrard, a black quarterback with size, mobility, and the ability to take, as well as dish out, punishing hits.

"It's unfortunate that matchups like these always seem to become a racial or ethnic issue," says Garrard. "It shouldn't. Actually, Kurt and myself are more alike than one would expect. Heck, we both dig white chicks."

Barring a tie, one of these teams will fall to 0-2 and further into the cellar of their respective division. That's an undesirable scenario, but hardly a fatal one, particularly for the Cardinals, members of the NFC West, where the parity is so extreme that two game deficits can be made up in one week. Sure, it sounds mathematically impossible, but I've seen it done.

Larry Fitzgerald, who digs white quarterbacks, catches 8 passes for 145 yards and a touchdown.

Arizona gets in the win column with a 24-22 win.

Oakland @ Kansas City (-3??)

Was the Raiders' trade of a No. 1 pick for aging New England defensive end Richard Seymour a wise move? Oakland has a history of serving up No. 1 picks on a Silver and Black platter, but Seymour paid immediate dividends on Monday against the Chargers, with 2 sacks.

"I guess he was worth the wait," says Tom Cable, whose status as head coach and coach-puncher has earned him the nickname 'Brass Knuckles.' "I wasn't sure if Richard was going to report. Speaking of nicknames, Richard gave so many excuses for not being here that we started calling him 'Seymour Buts.' We'll need his pass rush and knowledge of Matt Cassel's tendencies, as well as any secret video he might possess, to help us against the Chiefs."

The Chiefs take the field along with head coach Todd Haley as the new fight song, "Haley to the Chief," blares from the public address system, as somewhere, Dick Vermeil's eyes well up. Even in defeat last week, Haley was pleased with the team's effort, as the Chiefs battled the Ravens until the end. He'll expect the same effort against the hated Raiders.

"Come Haley or high water," says Haley. "I didn't come here to rack up 'quality losses.' That's a 'BCS' concept, and also a 'BS' concept. To quote former coach Herman Edwards, 'We ... win ... the game.' Of course, that's heavily edited, but Herm is a lot like Shannon Sharpe - he makes no sense unless translated."

The AFC West houses four of the most unpredictable teams in the NFL. The Raiders proved they can hang with the Chargers, but can they close the deal in KC? Sure they can, as long as their rushing game is clicking and JaMarcus Russell's completion percentage is higher than that of his body fat.

Oakland wins, 24-21.

New Orleans @ Philadelphia (-1)

Did Michael Vick, in suit and tie, look completely at home watching the Eagles' blowout of the Panthers from high above the field at Bank of America Stadium? He sure did. That's because the Panthers kindly accessorized the luxury box with a defendant's table and a bailiff to accommodate Vick, who is eligible to play in Week 3. And with Donovan McNabb suffering a broken rib last Sunday, the possibility of Vick getting lots of playing time soon seems very likely.

"I know Michael's anxious to play," says Andy Reid. "I'm sure he's pretty sick and tired of sitting around in a suit and tie while others do all the work."

"But until he's eligible, we're taking no chances. That's why we've signed Jeff Garcia. Like Donovan, he understands the West Coast offense, and like Donovan, he hates Terrell Owens. I'm not sure that matters, but it will give them something to talk about."

"I'm not counting Donovan out just yet. He a warrior, but rib injuries can be very aggravating, especially when throwing, or vomiting."

The Eagles defense will face the daunting challenge of containing Drew Brees and the Saints' explosive passing attack, which dropped 6 touchdowns through the air on the Lions last week. Brees knows it won't come so easily against the attacking Philly defense. He also knows stopping him won't come so easily for the Eagle defense.

"Look, I'm no Jake Delhomme," says Brees. "Jake's tossed more 'picks' than Eddie Van Halen. Me? I'll be prepared for everything the Eagles bring. I may be the most studious quarterback in the league. I've watched more video than Bob Crane."

The Eagles defense will throw something at Brees he didn't see against Detroit - resistance. But Brees has a multitude of weapons, including tight end Jeremy Shockey and Reggie Bush, who he'll be able to find underneath if Philly tries to take away the deep ball. Of course, the Eagles will score plenty as well, but the Saints get the ball last, and Brees engineers a drive that ends with a John Carney field goal.

New Orleans wins, 34-32.

Cincinnati @ Green Bay (-10)

The Packers beat division foe Chicago just as dramatically as the Bengals lost last week, as Aaron Rodgers' 50-yard strike to Greg Jennings late in the fourth quarter gave the Pack a 21-15 win over the Bears. It was a magical moment in the short career of Rodgers, and maybe 500 more like that will justify comparison to the great Favre. For now, though, Rodgers is content with the win and his short but growing legacy.

"Look, I don't claim to be a legend," says Rodgers. "Heck, I won't even listen to John Legend. I've got no ill-will towards Favre. If not for his first premature retirement, I probably wouldn't be starting here. So, I owe a lot to him, so therefore, I can't condone the 'Go 4-nicate Yourself' signs aimed at Brett. I will sign them, however."

The Bengals' Carson Palmer looked rusty last week, and will have to be much sharper if Cincy is to spring the upset at Lambeau. The Bengals' improved defense played well last week, but was let down by their sputtering offense, which accounted for only 1 touchdown.

"Yeah, I know that's unacceptable," says Palmer. "Usually for the Bengals, 'unacceptable' is more likely to get you three-to-five, not seven."

"It won't be easy against the Packers' secondary. Al Harris and Charles Woodson are physical corners, and Dom Capers has implemented a scheme very complimentary to the athleticism of the defense.

Chad Ochocinco sets a milestone in Sunday's game. No, he doesn't become the first person to Twitter that he's Twittering. Instead, he records his first big game in two years, with 127 yards receiving yards and a touchdown. But that all comes in the fourth quarter as the Bengals play catch-up before falling, 26-20.

St. Louis @ Washington (-9??)

Upon reviewing the NFL standings on Monday morning, Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo noticed an alarming statistic - the Rams were one of five teams that didn't score a single point. It became even more disturbing when Spagnuolo realized that there were two Monday night games.

"Look, Rome wasn't built in a day," says Spagnuolo. "I'm guessing it took at least six years, and three head coaches, and several mediocre drafts."

"I'll get this offense in gear. You all know what I did in New York. But it took me time to build that defense. And I'm doing the same thing with the offense here, and that's putting together a unit proficient in shutouts."

Talk around water coolers in Washington centered mostly around health care reform, with occasional references to the Redskins' 23-17 loss to the Giants last week.

"Hey, just like my election win over John McCain," says President Barrack Obama says, "the game wasn't nearly as close as the score indicated. And offensively, the 'Skins need more work than health care reform. However, I like what I see on defense. Albert Haynesworth was impressive at the point of attack. He's clogged more middles than cheese. If you don't believe what I'm saying, then I dare you to stand up and say it's a lie."

Are the Rams staring a second-straight shutout in the face? Stephen Jackson won't find room to run betwixt the tackles, and oft-injured quarterback Marc Bulger may be facing a death panel after a battering from the Washington defense. After finding little room to run versus the Giants, Washington will establish the run, then look for Santana Moss to show up downfield.

Redskins win, 27-7. The Rams get on the board late with a Josh Brown field goal and an Albert Pujols' grand slam.

New England @ NY Jets (+5)

You can't talk the Patriots/Jets rivalry without speaking of "Spygate," the 2007 controversy in which the Patriots secretly videotaped a Jets practice. And no true, red-blooded American can talk of 'secret video' without mentioning Erin Andrews revealing peephole video.

"It's incredibly sad," says Bill Belichick. "Not that I show no shame for 'Spygate,' but because I get more excited viewing a Jets practice than footage of Andrews primping in the nude. However, unlike the Jets, I see no weaknesses in Andrews' game."

The Jets may have found their answer at quarterback, but what team hasn't after a Brett Favre retirement? Mark Sanchez was anything but a rookie in the Jets' 24-7 win over the Texans. Just as importantly, they have a coach in Rex Ryan who is not afraid to ruffle the feathers of a division rival.

"I know just how to get under the skin of the Patriots, and Tom Brady in particular," says Ryan. "And that's by posting these bootlegged ultrasound pictures of Brady and Giselle's baby."

"Brady may be a stud on the field, but it looks as though he's a hen-pecked, beaten man as Giselle's husband. Did you see him try to escape Suzy Kolber's interview request? Giselle has obviously laid down the law and forbidden Tom from contact with any women."

Do the Jets have what it takes to take out the Patriots? Can a rookie quarterback outplay a three-time Super Bowl champion? Do Ryan and Belichick already hate each other's guts? The answers: no, no, yes.

Brady schools Sanchez, throwing for 3 touchdowns, and the Pats' defense confuses Sanchez with a variety of blitzes, coverages, and foul language.

New England wins, 30-20.

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo (-4)

Despite a crushing 25-24 loss to the Patriots on Monday, excitement is at a fever pitch in Buffalo. The Bills showed promise against a team many consider the Super Bowl favorite, and Terrell Owens makes his regular season debut in Buffalo. Owens No. 81 jerseys are flying off the racks. Tickets sales are off the charts. And false hopes are at an all-time high.

"We should have won that game," says a dejected Dick Jauron. "That defeat was as heartbreaking as a Goo Goo Dolls ballad. But we've got a history of letting wins slip away at the last minute, or in the second quarter, as in the case of our Super Bowls."

"But we've got a lot to build upon. We played well, albeit for only 55 minutes, and to my knowledge, Owens is not yet disgruntled. T.O. had only two catches; we were hoping for a little more production from him. I guess that's what we get for trying to 'pass' a '$6 Million Dollar Bill.'"

Against the Bucs, the Bills need stick to fundamentals, avoid mental mistakes, and most of all, get Owens the ball at least ten times before he gets overly frustrated. I think they call that an intervention.

Owens has 8 catches for 135 yards and a 45-yard touchdown.

Buffalo wins, 24-17.

Seattle @ San Francisco (+1)

It's an early-season showdown for the NFC West lead as the Seahawks travel to San Francisco to face the 49ers, who shocked the Cardinals in Glendale last week, 20-16. Head coach Mike Singletary has infused pride and effort back into 49er football, and his no-nonsense approach to coaching is reminiscent of Dirty Harry Callahan's no-nonsense approach to policing in the Bay Area, just without the brutality, harassment, and clever catch-phrases.

"And my coaching in no way skirts the boundaries of the law," says Singletary. "When I was given the reigns of this team, Callahan himself said to me, with a glare in his eyes, 'Go ahead. Make my Bay.'"

"And that's what I'm doing. I'm giving this region a reason to love the 49ers again. Sure, we may not be the most dynamic or exciting team in the league. You're not going to see a lot of 80-yard touchdown passes. The 49ers of the 1980s had 'The Catch.' Personally, I'd settle for a catch."

With a win on Sunday, the Seahawks would own a 2-0 division record, which is by no means an insurmountable lead, especially in the NFC West, and would give Seattle a very early inside track to....

"I'm gonna have to stop you right there," says head coach Jim Mora, Jr. "Were you going to say an inside track to the 'playoffs?' Playoffs? Playoffs? You're talking about playoffs? Come on. Let's not jump the gun here. You obviously tricked me into repeating the lines my father made famous. Next time, just ask me, and I'll happily oblige your request. Shoot, I'll do anything to get my own Coors Light commercial."

Seattle wins, 20-17.

Baltimore @ San Diego (-4??)

It looks as though Shawne Merriman was telling the truth in the Tila Tequila mess that threatened to hang a dark cloud over the Charger linebacker's season. After further review, the district attorney handling the case determined that Tequila was not, in fact, "in the grasp," and therefore, her criminal accusations would hold up about as well as her resume.

"That's NFL players 2, lying **** 0," says Merriman. "Ben Roethlisberger is innocent, and so am I."

"I didn't, nor have I ever, choked Ms. Tequila. However, I will cop to the nude Heimlich maneuver. Anyway, let's not let this incident get in the way of this titanic matchup against the Ravens. We're not playing the Bills, so why are we talking about an overrated reality star anyway?"

We weren't. You were. In any case, Ray Lewis and the Ravens are coming to San Diego, and they're packing attitude and several cans of whoop ass.

"Those are two things you need to overcome the jet lag," says Lewis. "We realize the Chargers are a tough team and have been picked by many to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. However, I came here to bury the Chargers, not to praise them. And I came here to drink Tequila, not to choke her. But I can't wait to get my hands on somebody."

In what will surely be the week's most physical game, the Ravens' three-man rushing attack will dictate the outcome. Joe Flacco hits Todd Heap for the game-winning score, and the Ravens defense stops the Chargers on downs to hold on.

Baltimore wins, 19-13.

Pittsburgh @ Chicago (+3)

Can you quantify the importance of Troy Polamalu and Brian Urlacher to their respective teams? Probably not. But it would be much easier to quantify amount of hair when discussing the two defensive superstars - Urlacher has none, Polamalu has lots. Hair or no hair, injuries have sidelined both, Polamalu for 3-6 weeks, Urlacher for the entire season.

As for the Bears offense, maybe Josh McDaniels is a genius, and expediting Jay Cutler to Chicago was a shrewd move for Denver. If last Sunday night's game in Green Bay is any indication, maybe Cutler isn't cut out for life in the NFC North, or life without the beneficial calls of Ed Hochuli. Cutler's 4 interceptions contributed to the Bears' 21-15 demise in Green Bay, while Urlacher's dislocated wrist further clouded a dark night.

"That's two limp-wristed performances we could have done without," says Lovie Smith. "Urlacher's wrist can be surgically repaired; Cutler's is a handicap he, and we, may have to just live with. But I'm dealing with it the only way I know how - by seeking to trade Cutler. You know it's bad for a quarterback in Chicago when people in helicopters are mooning him."

Cutler will face a Pittsburgh defense that thrives on quarterback pressure, a feature that was equally as, if not more, important to last year's success than a phantom roughing the passer call on the Cardinals Karlos Dansby. Defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau will attempt to confuse an already confused quarterback.

Ben Roethlisberger throws for 284 yards and 2 touchdowns, and Pittsburgh wins, 23-14.

Cleveland @ Denver (-3??)

By no means a religious man, Bronco wide receiver Brandon Stokely can nonetheless consider himself a purveyor of miracles. Stokley's stunning 84-yard touchdown off a deflected pass gave the Broncos a 12-7 win in Cincinnati.

"Hey, wasn't it cool how I ran along the goal line to kill more time?" says Stokley. "It's a good thing Don Bebe wasn't chasing me. But a play like that can't go without a clever nickname, like the 'Immaculate Reception.' Since that's taken, and is blatant blasphemy, I vote we call my catch the 'Bungle in the Jungle.'"

"But miracles do happen, obviously. Heck, Brandon Marshall is still a Bronco."

What's more satisfying for Josh McDaniels? Winning in Denver, or seeing Jay Cutler lose in Chicago? They're equally satisfying. How would his first home win as head coach stack up?

"That'd be great," says McDaniels. "Go Steelers!"

Denver wins, 20-13.

NY Giants @ Dallas (-3)

The post-Terrell Owens era began in earnest in Dallas, with Tony Romo throwing for a career-high 353 yards, including 3 touchdowns. Could Romo's success be attributed to a less stressful environment without T.O., or is the bliss of a romantic life free of Jessica Simpson the major contributing factor?

"T.O.'s absence is a weight off my shoulders," says Romo. "Jessica's absence was because of weight on her thighs. But I'm my own man now, and free to pursue other unhealthy relationships. Luckily, I have lots of support around me. If ever I need a shoulder pad to cry on, Jason Witten is always there."

Since Owens is not around to do it, the Giants will have to rely solely upon themselves to take Romo out of his game. They have the pass rush to do that, led by Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck. Defense will keep them in the game. The question is, will Eli Manning take them out of it?

"If I do," says Manning, "and you don't have DirecTV's NFL Sunday Ticket, then you might miss it. But it's hard to be spectacular in this offense when my wide receivers keep going down due to leg injuries. Rookie Hakeem Nicks is out, and here's the amazing part - it wasn't self-inflicted, it didn't happen in a night club, and he's not a total moron. I do believe Antonio Pierce helped him off the field, though."

New York wins 22-20.

Indianapolis @ Miami (+3??)

South Florida will be hopping when Peyton Manning and the Colts visit Land Shark Stadium for a Monday night showdown. The 'Fins will be looking for their first win, and want to avoid having to dig themselves out of an 0-2 hole.

"Is it correct that the Williams sisters, Venus and Serena, are part owners of the Dolphins?" says Peyton Manning. "Remind me never to anger Serena. Her tirade at the U.S. Open was downright scary. I haven't seen anyone go off like that on an Asian since Bruce Lee in Fists of Fury."

"But really, can you call a foot fault in that situation? Especially on a round-rumped sister with a wicked forehand? I think the flat-assed line judge was just jealous. It was a 'booty' call, and an unfair one. Baby got back judged."

"Now, does a big Monday night game at home give Miami an 'advantage?' Maybe, but this team's never seen an advantage we couldn't drop a deuce on. We'll have to weather the storm, but we'll be there at the end."

The fired-up Dolphins jump out to a quick 14-love lead, but the Colts, led by Manning and Dallas Clark, methodically trim the lead. Adam Vinatieri kicks a 45-yarder with under two minutes to go to give Indy a 29-27 win.

NFL Week 1 Predictions (Part 1)

Jeff Boswell — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 17:49:50 GMT

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh (-5)

What's the best thing about Super Bowls and meaningless sexual encounters? Why, the memories of course. Ben Roethlisberger has two bejeweled rings, as well as a pending sexual assault civil suit, to rekindle those fond memories. In July, Big Ben was sued by a casino employee in Las Vegas who claimed Roethlisberger assaulted her in his hotel room in July of 2008.

"I'd like to reiterate my innocence," Roethlisberger stated. "I never sexually assaulted anyone, although I may have been guilty of 'offensive holding.' I guess I truly am a 'defending' champ."

"But seriously, I expect this case to end up like a pass to Terrell Owens - dropped. I'm innocent. In fact, I'm the victim here. I did not sexually assault her, and I know sexual assault. Heck, I lost my virginity under a pile of Baltimore Ravens in 2005."

The world champs will host the Titans, who suffered a heartbreaking 13-10 to the Ravens in the divisional round as the No. 1 seed last year. Such a loss can be a great motivator, and Tennessee running back LenDale White used those painful thoughts as the catalyst for losing 30 pounds in the offseason. Actually, White dumped the excess weight simply by giving up Patr??n tequila.

"I understand he quit 'cold turkey,'" said Troy Polamalu, still undefeated in "hair versus hair" matches. "And I believe that's what they called him after his crucial fumble against the Ravens in chilly Tennessee practically cost them the game. And speaking of nicknames, are White and his shifty backfield mate Chris Johnson now called 'Slim Fast and Dash?'"

"But seriously, did LenDale really lose 30 pounds by nixing tequila from his diet? That's a lot of alcohol. Of course, that explains his troubles in the Baltimore game - the Ravens got him drunk and took advantage of him."

My crack (addicted) research staff tells me the previous year's Super Bowl winner has won its season opener 33 of 42 times, plus or minus 9. I'll go with the odds, however inaccurate, and the defending champs, to prevail on Thursday in an exceptionally hard-hitting game.

The Steelers take control late in the third quarter when a run-blitzing James Harrison drills White, forcing him to lose not only the ball, but three pounds, as well. Pittsburgh recovers, and Roethlisberger hits Heath Miller for the clinching score.

Steelers win, 23-13.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-7)

The biggest rivalry in the AFC South heats up immediately as the Jaguars face the Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium, "The House That Lube Built," where fans lucky enough to score a luxury suite can enjoy service from the classy waitress staff known as the "Personal Lubricants."

The Colts are a team in transition, with Tony Dungy gone to champion the rights of dog abusers and wide receiver Marvin Harrison off peddling "This Car Wash Protected by Smith & Wesson" bumper stickers. Still, even with a new head coach and a veteran receiver gone, Manning sees no reason why the Colts can't continue their winning ways.

"Our new coach, Jim Caldwell, is a lot like Dungy," Manning said. "He doesn't tell me what to do, either."

"Look, as long as I'm under center, this team has a chance. Especially with my faithful and trusty center, Jeff Saturday, making reads at the line, as well. I call Jeff my 'Saturday Knight Special.' He calls me his 'Sunday Afternoon Reacharound.'"

The Jaguars always pose a stern test for the Colts, especially when the Jacksonville running game is clicking. With Fred Taylor now a Patriot, most of the rushing burden falls to Maurice Jones-Drew, the 5'7", 208-pound fireplug who often answers to the nickname "Short Bus." Jones-Drew welcomes the greater workload, as well as the pressure that comes with being ranked as a top-five fantasy pick.

"Hey, you can also call me 'Thigh Master,'" says the stocky Jones-Drew. "But under no circumstances are you to call me 'Tattoo' or 'Wee Man.'"

It's Week 1, so you know what that means - the Colts have a moderately healthy defense. Safety Bob Sanders is listed as probable, and the Colts will need him off the crutches and out of the sling to contain the Jacksonville running attack. First on the Colts agenda - hold the Jags to less than a quarter-mile of rushing yards. That may be easier with Jones-Drew feeling the lingering effects of a bruised leg suffered late in the preseason.

In the end, it's the artistry of Peyton Manning that carries the Colts to the win. Manning throws for 241 yards and 2 scores, and the Indy defense holds Jones-Drew to 67 yards rushing.

Colts win, 24-17.

Detroit @ New Orleans (-13)

What was the hottest story out of New Orleans this offseason? Well, that had to be the news that Saints running back Reggie Bush and his bootylicious girlfriend Kim Kardashian had called it quits. Call it mindless tabloid fodder if you will, but it's gosh darn hard to ignore a headline that reads 'Kardashian Bush Split,' not to mention the accompanying photographs.

"Amazing flexibility there," said Sean Payton. "Isn't it bewildering what the omission of a simple comma can do?"

"But spacing is everything. And our objective is to get Reggie the ball in 'open space,' which I think we've been trying to do, with limited success, for about three years now. We're hoping that Reggie, who's been downgraded in fantasy rankings, as well as downgraded in his biographical data from NFL 'star' to NFL 'player,' can sneak up on people this year."

The Lions are coming off the worst season in NFL history, an 0-16 campaign in 2008, but excitement still abounds in Detroit, and Thomas Magnum, P.I. still considers himself a fan. Detroit added quarterback Matthew Stafford to their collection of No. 1 picks, and after a decent preseason, new head coach Jim Schwartz named Stafford the starter for the season-opener.

"Yeah, I think Matthew's ready," says Schwartz. "Especially since Daunte Culpepper was sidelined after suffering a freaky foot injury after stumbling on some carpet. I never thought I'd see 'toe jam' listed on the injury report."

The New Orleans fans are no strangers to futility, and prior to the game, several season ticket holders graciously leave brown paper sacks in the seats of Lions fans who make the trip to the Big Easy. And a huge sign lining the upper deck in the Superdome sends a kind message to Stafford: "May the Schwartz Be with You."

Drew Brees throws for 342 yards and 3 scores, thus beginning another assault on Dan Marino's passing yardage record.

New Orleans wins, 37-20.

Philadelphia @ Carolina (+1)

The Panthers were struck by a rash of injuries during training camp, although surprisingly none were the result of a Steve Smith haymaker. Smith himself was one of the casualties, injuring the shoulder of his right (punching) arm in practice in early August. Nose tackle Maake Kemoaetu went down with an Achille tendon tear on the first day of training camp. Pro Bowl linebacker Jon Beason hurt his knee, running back Jonathan Stewart has hardly practiced while nursing an Achilles tendon injury, and the entire Carolina organization is hobbled by Julius Peppers' massive contract.

"With all those injuries," says Jake Delhomme, "a lot of people are saying I'll have to take up the slack. 'Delhomme will have to put the team on his shoulders' is a familiar refrain, much like the '2, 4, 6, ate' cheer often heard from our cheerleaders partying in a bathroom stall."

"But I welcome the challenge. I don't mind people 'counting' on me, although, when they're counting, or should I say, inventorying, turnovers, it can be a little distressing to me."

With a date in last year's NFC Championship Game, expectations for this year's Eagle squad are lofty, and the addition of Michael Vick has only added to the fervor. Philadelphia sports fans are notoriously demanding, and can turn on a superstar faster than an Eric Lindros slap shot, but Eagles fans have praised the addition of Vick, signed by the Eagles in August.

"Indeed," said Andy Reid. "Philly fans have welcomed Vick with open arms. And I hear local swingers clubs have been equally as receptive to Ron Mexico."

"I know it may have been a controversial move to sign Michael, but I think Philadelphia is the right place for him. He's got quite a bit of experience dodging G-Men already, and we play the Giants twice. And, if he can avoid tacklers with the same aplomb he's displayed dodging creditors, then we're on to something."

Donovan McNabb passes for 296 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Philadelphia wins, 27-24.

Dallas @ Tampa Bay (+4??)

What hangs lower than the cojones of Dallas owner Jerry Jones? Why, the scoreboard at the Cowboys new $1 billion stadium in Arlington, where you can enjoy a pizza for the nominal fee of $90, if you're foolish enough to get hungry at a Cowboys game.

But that's beside the point. The 'Boys open their season in Tampa, where the only obstacle to towering punts is the blue Tampa sky. Dallas embarks on a season without wide receiver Terrell Owens, so failure in the 2009 campaign will leave them like Lee Majors after a 1986 ABC series cancelation - with no "Fall Guy."

"We'll be just fine without T.O.," says Tony Romo. "Now, culpability for Cowboy failures will fall squarely on me and my bad dating choices. I look forward to double-dating with my good buddy Jason Witten, an arrangement which often includes only three people. Only in my world does a threesome not include any sexual acts."

The Buccaneers ended the season on a sour note, with an 0-4 finish to a promising 9-3 start hastening the firing of Jon Gruden and the departure of defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. Defensive backs coach Raheem Morris was hired soon after to replace Gruden, who led Tampa to the Super Bowl XXXVII title.

"Obviously, I've got big shoes to fill," says Morris. "And a lot of curse words to learn."

Starting at quarterback for the Bucs will be journeyman Byron Leftwich, who won the starting job after solid performances in the preseason. Leftwich, known as much for his painfully slow throwing motion as for his powerful arm, has worked hard on his release.

"Look, I'm serious about getting rid of the ball sooner," says Leftwich. "I even had a clause written into my contract promising delivery in thirty minutes or less or it's free."

"I think it's cool that our new head coach lets us address him by his first name. Raheem's a players' coach, and his office door is always open if you want to rap. And it helps that he's a member of the Wu-Tang Clan."

It's not a good sign when your offensive coordinator is fired less than two weeks before the season opener. That's exactly what happened in Tampa when Jeff Jagodzinski was fired and replaced by quarterbacks coach Greg Olsen. Obviously, 'turnover' is a problem in the Tampa organization, as well as in Sunday's game.

Leftwich turns it over three times, and Tony Romo hits Jason Witten for a touchdown score. Romo then proposes - that he and Witten celebrate the win over dinner.

Dallas wins, 27-6.

NY Jets @ Houston (-4??)

Rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez earned the starting job for the Jets in late August, when head coach Rex Ryan announced that Sanchez had won the position over Kellen Clemens. Thus, Sanchez became another name on the ever-growing list of quarterbacks who replaced Brett Favre when he retired. Like "Broadway" Joe Namath before him, Sanchez is a hit with the ladies and is certainly not lacking in confidence.

"Hey, I'm not one to guarantee a Jets victory in the Super Bowl," said Sanchez, "nor will I wear panty hose, unless it's for her pleasure. But I predict this team will be much improved over last year. We've got a brand new coach, Rex Ryan, who's a real S.O.B., son of Buddy, and Rex is not afraid to speak his mind, or slug an offensive coordinator."

Houston hopes to make the leap from being a "team on the verge" to a team in the playoffs. Paramount to achieving that is maintaining the health of starting quarterback Matt Schaub, who did nothing to quell his reputation as injury-prone when he sprained his ankle in a preseason game. However, Schaub is ready to go against the Jets.

"All too often last year," says Gary Kubiak, "I found myself saying 'Bring out the gimp' whenever Matt got hurt, which was often. If Matt's injury issues have proved anything, it's that David Carr was one tough son of a gun. "

The Texans have their own version of "The Triplets" - Schaub, Steve Slaton, and Andre Johnson, and collectively, the Texans offense is known as "Matt, Andre, and Slate Plus 8."

Houston wins, 27-16.

Kansas City @ Baltimore (-10)

Back for his 14th year as a Raven is linebacker Ray Lewis, an icon whom fellow players and fans alike have come to expect and appreciate, kind of like their local Wal-Mart greeter welcoming them to "our house," just with slightly more menace and bravado. Lewis anchors another fearsome Ravens defense that will shoulder the load for the team's success.

"Do Todd Haley and Matt Cassel think they can come here and expect the success they experienced last year?" asks Lewis. "Well, I have reservations. Not only is this 'my house,' but I'm also king of the 'Cassel.'"

In Kansas City, new head coach Todd Haley has set out to change the mindset of a franchise accustomed to losing under the Herman Edwards regime. That started with a brutal conditioning regimen, a program so intense that it quickly became known as "Haley's Vomit."

"No fat Chiefs!" barks Haley. "It was no accident that Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog" was playing on the loud speaker when these chubby, out-of-shape players arrived for training camp, because 'now they're messing with a son of a ****.'"

Is a gimpy-kneed Cassel ready to face the wrath of the Baltimore defense? Probably no more than the K.C. defense is prepared to stop the Ravens' deep running back corps of Ray Rice, Willis McGahee, and Le'Ron McCain.

Ravens win, 27-3.

Denver @ Cincinnati (-3)

Offseason discussion on the Bengals centered not around what it should have (the return of a healthy Carson Palmer), but on attention-starved wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (n??e Johnson), Cincinnati's resident Twittering fool, who, in the last four months, announced plans to Tweet during games, was reprimanded by Denzel Washington, kicked an extra point in a preseason game, and feuded with sports columnist Skip Bayless.

"Well, I guess it was a slow year for Chad," said head coach Marvin Lewis. "The kid just has to make headlines. Take last year for example. He kissed me, for Christ's sake. I've indicated to Chad that I'm fed up with his shenanigans. I've made it clear to that clown that under no circumstances will I kiss "ass" this year."

In Denver, it's well documented that "The Drive" may be the greatest moment in Broncos lore. And new nead coach Josh McDaniels wasted no time in creating his own Bronco magic, orchestrating "The Drive II," in which he ran off franchise quarterback Jay Cutler and clashed with star receiver Brandon Marshall. Cutler was traded to the Bears, while Marshall has been the subject of trade rumors, as well as several videos showing him loafing in practice, and still others showing him in a tutu and a tiara.

"Who needs a Pro Bowl quarterback when you've got the most innovative offensive mind in all of football?" said McDaniels. "While in New England, I was known by the nickname given to me by none other than the 'Patriot Missile' himself, Zeke Mowatt. My nickname? The 'Patriot Whiz' of course."

"As for Cutler and Marshall, they're obviously spoiled crybabies. I'm not sure what kind of ship Mike Shanahan ran around here, but obviously he didn't mind players rocking the boat."

Carson Palmer versus an injured Kyle Orton, or his backup? Fun-loving Ochocinco versus the disgruntled Marshall? Give me the Bengals, and the points.

Cincinnati wins, 30-17. Ochocinco catches 6 balls for 101 yards and a score, then is caught Twittering in the shower.

Minnesota @ Cleveland (+3??)

What was the reaction in Vikings camp when Brett Favre decided to suit up for the Vikings instead of remaining retired? Well, many of Favre's new teammates were ecstatic, thrilled to have a Hall of Fame quarterback leading the 2009 charge. And their excitement only grew when Favre himself walked into the locker room and said, "It's time to give up the booty."

For most of the Vikings, that was a sure sign that Favre wanted to celebrate with a team cruise on Lake Minnetonka aboard the infamous SS Natch, where "taking a knee" takes on a new meaning.

Sadly, their hopes went flaccid when Favre clarified his statement to indicate that he simply wanted the No. 4 jersey of reserve quarterback John David Booty.

"That doesn't mean I'd turn down a trip on the yacht," said Favre. "I could use a little wind in my sails. Besides, it's been reported that there's some division in the locker room concerning my return. What better way to fit in than to take 'one' for the team? Heck, it's the least I can do. Some of these guys have taken '69' for the team."

In Cleveland, Romeo Crenel is out and Eric Mangini is in as coach, as general manager Phil Savage is obviously convinced that a plump Bill Belichick disciple holds the key to the Browns success. More likely, though, a solid year from a quarterback is the key to their success. Earlier this week, Mangini named a starter at QB, but refused to release his identity.

"He's also keeping the starter a secret from the team," says Derek Anderson, who battled Brady Quinn for the job in camp. "Funny, I saw Brian Sipe heading into team offices the other day. You know, Mangini's trying to be a little too clever for his own good. That's a so-called 'skill' he must have learned from Bill Belichick. In the meantime, though, I'll ponder my starting possibilities while casually viewing this bootleg video of a recent Vikings practice."

With the Vikes Kevin and Pat Williams approved to play on Sunday, the Browns running game will go nowhere. And whomever gets the starting nod will have to deal with the rush of defensive end Jaren Allen (or is that Kenny Powers?) Allen records 2 sacks, and Adrian Peterson rushes for 178 yards and 2 scores.

Minnesota wins, 29-14.

NFL 2009 Predictions: Part 2

Jeff Boswell — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 12:28:37 GMT

*In an unfortunate and politically incorrect grouping of performers during halftime at Super Bowl 44 in Miami, disgraced R&B crooner Chris Brown and singer/songwriter Jackson Browne join English electronic/industrial group The Prodigy for a rendition of the band's controversial single "Smack My **** Up."

*The Lions set a lowly precedent for inept NFL franchises, suffering through their second-straight 0-16 season. However, the dismay is offset when the team collects yet another No. 1 draft pick, as well as a Tony award for More Mis??rables, a play based on Detroit's 2009 campaign.

*In a symbolic gesture aimed at exorcising the painful end to the 2008 season from fans' memories, Carolina Panther quarterback Jake Delhomme releases a dove with an olive branch into the sky from the 50-yard line of Bank America Stadium. Unfortunately, the olive branch is intercepted by a cardinal before it can reach its intended destination.

*Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison declines an invitation to attend his oldest brother's wedding, claiming that his brother "wouldn't have invited me if I weren't his brother."

*Michael Vick, conditionally reinstated by Roger Goodell in July, is signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars in mid-August. In one of the many NFL-mandated conditions of reinstatement, Vick is ordered to further his role as a canine activist by periodically tweeting his thoughts on his PETA-sanctioned blog, "Woofer And Twitter."

In week 6 against the Rams, Vicks sees his first action, when, in response to a rash of injuries to Jacksonville's safeties, he is inserted at the rover position. Vick records an interception and six tackles in four games, but is cut on November 11th after he is spotted feeding Alka Seltzer to sea gulls on Jacksonville's Intracoastal Waterway.

*Eager to cash in on the success of "The T.O. Show," which revealed a side of Terrell Owens few knew existed, VH1, in association with a disgruntled Bills coaching staff, debuts Owens' new reality show, "T.O. Go."

*Kim Kardashian, fresh off her breakup from Reggie Bush, is photographed in a Nashville night club getting cozy with Titans running back duo Chris Johnson and LenDale White. Later, when Johnson and White are seen leaving Kardashian's hotel room the next morning, gossip web site TMZ breaks the story with a headline reading "Smash And Dash And Kardash(ian)."

*Embattled former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is sentenced for weapons charges stemming from an incident in which he accidentally shot himself in the thigh in a Manhattan nightclub in November. A compassionate judge orders Burress to serve 18 months in a maximum security prison in upstate New York, with a reduction in the sentence possible for good behavior.

There, after two months of exemplary behavior, Burress inexplicably resorts to his old ways and embraces the hardcore prison lifestyle. After inking himself with a homemade tattoo that reads ???Lifer,' Burress fashions a shank from a kicking tee. Then, in response to an unannounced bed check, Burress hastily conceals the weapon in his pants, nearly severing his manhood in the process.

Luckily for Burress, teammate Antonio Pierce is again there to pick up the pieces.

*Denver running back Knowshon Moreno is an early breakout rookie in the 2009 season, rushing for 311 yards and three touchdowns, with a punt return score, as well, in the Broncos first four games. Moreno is also a star in the marketing arena, and one of the most popular ads in the Denver area spoofs the drug problems and affinity for frequent, unprotected sex of former Broncos Travis Henry. Several billboards picture Moreno enjoying a Coca-Cola in a Henry jersey, surrounded by eleven children. The "Coke And A Smile" ads boost sales of the popular cola by 33%, while teen pregnancy decreases by that same percentage.

Moreno goes on to win the AFC Offensive Rookie Of The Year Award.

*At the Packers August 22nd preseason home game versus the Bills, Brett Favre's tearful farewell speech is interrupted by Vikings coach Brad Childress, there to announce that he's named a starter for the Vikes regular season opener against the Browns.

As Favre wipes his eyes, Childress gives the nod to Sage Rosenfels, and Childress acknowledges that a decision would have been made sooner if not for "special circumstances," none of which he details.

*In Washington, prized Redskins newcomer Albert Haynesworth displays early domination, and the ???Skins rush defense leads the NFL early in the year. Haynesworth's ability to hold his position, even in the face of double- and triple-teams, earns him the nickname "The Washington Monument."

Haynesworth is photographed at the base of the D.C. landmark for the October 25th issue of Sports Illustrated, one week after ???hitting for the cycle' against Matt Cassel and the Kansas City Chiefs. In a 23-13 Redskins win, Haynesworth records a sack, secures a Cassel fumble, picks off a Cassel pass, and accidentally steps on the helmet of the K.C. quarterback.

*Tom Brady returns to form, dumping pregnant wife Giselle Bundchen, just months before she is to give birth to the couple's first child, for actress Florence Henderson.

*In October, video filmed through the hotel door peephole of Tony Siragusa surfaces on the internet, showing the portly former defensive lineman primping naked in front of a mirror. Siragusa and his attorneys rush to have the video removed, and succeed, but not before the former Raven is saddled with the nickname "Goose Pimple."

Later, Siragusa markets the video with a collection of some of his zaniest and most rambling sideline reports in a DVD package called "Goose Gone Wild."

Sales reach 17, well behind the 1,245,000 discs sold of fellow reporter Erin Andrews' boxed set.

*The NFL's most surprising team is the Kansas City Chiefs, who, after a dismal 0-5 start, reel off seven wins in their last eleven games to finish second in the AFC West. New head coach Todd Haley credits his predecessor, Herman Edwards, with instilling a ???play to win the game' attitude in the team, while crediting himself for supplying the missing ingredient---"coaching to win the game."

*In October, Jessica Simpson appears on the Barbara Walter's Special, and the celebrity interview queen immediately presses Simpson about her breakup with Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Simpson confides that she is not bitter, and states that "I shouldn't have reasonably expected Tony to put a ring on my finger when he can't even put one on his own finger."

*San Diego's Shawne Merriman, who missed all but one game last year because of a knee injury, roars out of the gate, eager to prove his health and quell conceptions of performance-enhancing drug use. Merriman records four sacks in the Chargers first two games, including three takedowns of Joe Flacco in a 16-10 win over Baltimore in week 2. The beastly linebacker cites a grueling offseason conditioning program, and an even more intense attitude, fueled by Pop Rocks and cola, for his quick start.

Merriman records 19 sacks on the year, and is named AFC Defensive Player Of The Year, which he celebrates by sending Jason Taylor a signed copy of his latest drug test.

*St. Louis rookie linebacker James Laurinaitis, son of legendary professional wrestler Road Warrior Animal, is put through the rookie initiation wringer at Rams training camp in Earth City, Missouri. Laurinaitis good-naturedly accepts the mild humiliations initially, such as being forced to "clothesline" the sweaty undergarments of the Rams veteran linebackers.

But when the vets handcuff him to a whirlpool and make off with his belt, Laurinaitis snaps. As Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" is mysteriously queued over the public address system, Laurinaitis breaks free and systematically overwhelms and pins his tormentors, as referee Ed Hochuli offers a quick three count.

*Early reports from training camp on the Buccaneers quarterback battle, featuring Luke McCown, Byron Leftwich, Josh Johnson, and rookie Josh Freeman, note that the race has the competitive feel of an open tryout, and the talent to match. Freeman impresses with his strength as well as a lightning-quick release. Freeman's seven step drop and release is timed at 2.1 seconds, well ahead of the 2.1 minute time of the veteran Leftwich's.

McCown eventually wins the starting job, but is pulled in favor of Freeman in week 6, and Freeman completes the year as starter.

*Excitement abounds in Seattle, mostly created by the free agent signing of T.J. Houshmandzedah, the biggest thing to hit the Pacific Northwest since Twilight. In Seattle's week 1 game against the Rams, Houshmandzedah runs afoul of the NFL's draconian touchdown celebration rules, as well as teeny-boppers jaded by romanticized vampire novels, when he howls like a werewolf celebrating his first touchdown as a Seahawk.

Houshmandzedah loses nearly all of his 12-to-16-year-old female fan base, but gains a Coors Lite "Silver Bullet" spokesman gig, as well as an audition for the next installment in the Teen Wolf movie franchise.

*Oakland rookie wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey, thrust into the starting lineup at the behest of owner Al Davis, scores on a 99-yard, fourth quarter flea-flicker from JaMarcus Russell to give the Raiders a thrilling 27-26 win over AFC West rival Denver. As the defeated Broncos file dejectedly off the field at Oakland Coliseum, they are serenaded by a Black Hole chorus of ???Sha Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey-Hey-ward, Good Bey!"

*Arizona rookie running back Chris "Beanie" Wells, the Cardinals first-round pick, suffers through an injury-plagued season, as minor ankle and toe injuries keep him sidelined. With nine yards on four carriers for the year, Wells' earns a new nickname, "H.G.," as his meager statistics render him an "Invisible Man."

*Colts safety Bob Sanders plays in 12 games for the Colts, thereby winning a preseason wager with Peyton Manning, who bet that his own commercial appearances would be greater than Sanders' games played.

"The T.O. Show" Episode Guide

Jeff Boswell — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:23:31 GMT

Terrell Owens' new reality show premiered on Monday, chronicling the new beginning of Owens as a Buffalo Bill, his fourth team in his 14-year career. Overnight ratings were strong, and the media buzz about the show has been intense, indicating what is sure to be a long run. Should there be enough interest for a season two, it's likely the show will air on another network, however.

Often criticized for his diva-like behavior, Owens balked at the show's original title, "The Miss-Adventures Of Terrell Owens," and instead campaigned for the show's title to mirror those of nearly all of VH1's vast stable of reality shows, and have "love" in the title. Owens proposed "I Love Me," "For the Love of Me," and "Me Love Me Long Time" before he and producers agreed on the generic title.

In the show's initial episode, Owens learns of his release from the Cowboys. Then we meet his two publicists, Monique and Kita, who are masterful at disguising their desire to extend their 15 minutes of fame as genuine concern for T.O.'s well-being. Ironically, it's Monique and Kita who do all the bitching and complaining, while T.O. liberally applies the comic relief.

Soon, they convince T.O. to move to Los Angeles, where they insist he work on his "focus" and "game plan." The three, along with T.O.'s bodyguard/couch magnet, Pablo, head to L.A.

There, Owens finds a new home, drops over $100,000 on a pair of earrings, samples the nightlife, soaks up the adoration of fans, and goes long with his realtor. Also, Owens reaches out to his incredibly gorgeous ex-fiancee Felicia, who broke off the engagement when Owens cheated on her, which is even more validation that personally, as well as professionally, Owens knows how to ruin a good thing.

Below are the potential storylines for upcoming episodes of "The T.O. Show."

Episode 2: "Revenge is a Dish Best Served in a Bowl" - Soon after settling in to his posh Los Angeles home, Owens answers a knock at his door. There, an NFL representative presents him with balloons and congratulations for being voted to the NFL's pre-season "Pre-Bowl" team.

Skeptical, Owens asks to see some documentation, and the representative obliges with an official affidavit verifying that Owens was the leading vote-getter among wide receivers.

Owens' excitement quickly deteriorates into disappointment when, upon closer inspection, he realizes the official affidavit features the letterhead of the fictional accounting firm of Garcia, McNabb, and Romo.

Episode 3: "The O.C." - While on the West Coast, Owens, a big fan of The O.C., requests a visit to the set of the hit teen drama. His publicists arrange a trip, but upon arrival, Owens and his entourage are met with a deserted set, and are told that the show was cancelled in 2007.

Enraged, Owens explodes, unleashing a stream of profanities, reminding many, including some of his former offensive coordinators, that this is not the first time Owens has yelled at "the O.C."

Episode 4: "Fool For the City?" - Owens is presented a key to the city of Buffalo by Mayor Byron Brown. Secretly, Owens wonders exactly which doors in the city the key will actually unlock, while Bills head coach Dick Jauron wonders if the key will open a Pandora's Box.

Episode 5: "Book 'Em, T.O." - Owens visits a local Buffalo elementary school to read his children's book, "Little T Learns to Share." After thumbing through the pages, Owens flips out, complaining that his name doesn't appear enough times in the book.

Minutes later, in what is sure not to be the only case of bad timing between the two this year, Bills quarterback Trent Edwards texts Owens with an invitation to get together and discuss the playbook.

Episode 6: "Gone, Clubbin'" - Owens experiences the harsh realities of the limited Buffalo nightlife when his much-publicized appearance as guest DJ at a trendy nightclub is met with token interest. Owens, manning the turntables as "DJ Wintry Mix," plays to a sparse crowd of 45 at former Bills great Thurman Thomas' discotheque, "Check Your Hat."

Episode 7: "Punk'd" - In an elaborately staged hoax, Owens is lured to Hollywood, California, where he is fooled into believing he's receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. During the dedication ceremony, Owens stands on his star, then, as the prank reaches fruition, Owens is leveled by former Dallas Cowboy safety Roy Williams.

As Owens dusts himself off, he is helped to his feet by joker extraordinaire Ashton Kutcher, as Kutcher reveals that Owens has just become the first reality star to be "Punk'd" on the reality star's own show.

Episode 8: "I Put a Spell on You" - In a publicity stunt gone awry, Owens meets 2009 Scripps Spelling Bee national champion Kavya Shivashankar for a fund-raising spelling contest. In the fourth round, Owens wins in controversial fashion, and despite Shivashankar's heated objections, the obviously biased panel of judges rule in Owens' favor, concluding that indeed there is an "I" in "team."

Shivashankar storms from the competition, but not before warning the fans in Buffalo that, by using the same type of flawed spelling seen in the competition, there is a "T" and an "O" in "disaster."

Episode 9: "Exercise in Futility" - With camera crews documenting the occasion, Owens is fitted for an Armani suit at a ritzy downtown Buffalo haberdashery. After taking measurements, a tailor informs Owens that his waist size is 34 inches. Owens vehemently objects, contending that his waist has been 33 inches for the last 10 years.

An argument ensues, and, as tempers flare, the store manager asks that Owens leave peacefully. Owens refuses, instead deciding to hit the floor for 500 sit-ups. Then he asks for a new measurement.

2009 NFL Predictions

Jeff Boswell — Fri, 22 May 2009 23:28:43 GMT

* Terrell Owens immediately endears himself to the Buffalo faithful when, after grabbing a 65-yard touchdown bomb from Trent Edwards in the Bills' home opener against the Buccaneers, he pulls a chicken wing from his sock and takes a bite, then leaves a greasy handprint on the jersey of Tampa cornerback Ronde Barber.

As a chicken wing is considered a "prop" in the NFL's touchdown celebration rules, Owens is fined for the act.

* The Dallas Cowboys host an open house, allowing commoners a chance to tour their new $1.1 billion home in Arlington. Owner Jerry Jones personally guides a tour of the stadium's 300 luxury suites, promising that there is something for everyone, from the most extravagant models, named after Cowboy greats like Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman, to the more basic layouts, such as the "Nate Newton" suite, a 4' by 4' room constructed from Venetian cinder blocks, modestly accessorized with a bunk bed, a sink, a toilet, and a chin-up bar.

Jones also reveals the team's most private model, the "Tony Romo Honeymoon Suite," the master bedroom of which features a king-size bed, as well as a single bed, suitable for an interloping tight end, or a meddling father-in-law.

* Newly-signed Raider quarterback Jeff Garcia engages in a heated, tension-filled battle for the starting position with incumbent JaMarcus Russell. The situation reaches a boiling point when the feisty Garcia confronts Russell and gets all up in his face, until Russell rises to his feet, gives Garcia a wedgie, and stuffs him into an empty locker.

* Brett Favre comes out of retirement to fight Larry Holmes at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Favre separates his right shoulder in the third round, but gamely continues, until a TKO stoppage in the 11th hastens his retirement from the ring. Favre ends his brief retirement when he joins the Birmingham Barons, the Chicago White Sox Class AA affiliate. Favre bats .145 and throws 13 interceptions, and announces his retirement three games into the season. After a short hiatus, Favre makes a final comeback, laying down some guest lyrics on Jay-Z's third "comeback" album.

In late July, the Vikings make a last-ditch effort to sign Favre, offering him a $7 million, one-year contract, and full creative control of a weekly television show, tentatively titled the "Vike-O-Den." Favre opts to remain retired, however, citing his need to spend time with his family, as well as contemplate a 2011 return.

* British comedian and trickster Sasha Baron Cohen, posing as a 32-year-old former division III college quarterback named Timmy Nevada, infiltrates the Cleveland Browns training camp, easily winning the starting position over Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson.

Nevada leads the Browns to wins in their first two games, throwing 4 touchdown passes and only 1 interception. Then, Baron Cohen decides to reveal the ruse, but not before a naked wrestling match with Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers erupts in the banquet room of the teams' hotel prior to Week 3's contest against the Ravens.

* Larry Fitzgerald leads the NFL in receptions, 109, receiving touchdowns, 13, and encouraging hugs to discontented teammate Anquan Boldin, 23, further solidifying Fitzgerald's status as the league's preeminent receiver and consummate teammate.

* In an August 30th preseason game in Denver, former Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler roams the Bear sideline sporting a white headband bearing the word "McDaniels" in black lettering. Cutler is mercilessly heckled by the Denver crowd, and in an embarrassing twist, he turns and gives the middle finger to a particularly raucous Broncos fan nearby, who turns out to be former Denver quarterback Jake Plummer.

Cutler's comeuppance, however, is not complete until he is spoofed on the September 14th episode of "South Park," in which Cutler's character is killed in a grisly accident while mooning a helicopter piloted by Kenny.

* The Detroit Lions new, fiercer-looking logo heralds a new era for the franchise, and opposing teams take notice, with many commenting that they were "slighty more afraid" while beating the Lions. The logo is also selected to grace the cover of Cat Fancy magazine's 2009 NFL preview issue.

* In a late August appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," Tom Brady professes his unconditional love for Gisele Bundchen, gushing to Oprah that "he heard fireworks" during their second round of nuptials in Costa Rica in April. Winfrey gently breaks the news to Brady that those sounds were not "fireworks," but the echoes of gunshots from Brady's trigger-happy security detail opening fire on unarmed paparazzi.

* Sales of Cincinnati wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco's No. 85 jersey remain at a virtual standstill, with most fans disgruntled with Ocho Cinco's diva-like behavior over the last two years. One enterprising pro shop employee stumbles onto a gold mine when he alters a jersey, removing the nameplate of "Ocho Cinco" and replacing it was a more appropriate, Spanish-flavored alternative. The Bengals No. 85 "Has Bien" jersey becomes a best seller in Cincinnati. Johnson graciously is a good sport about it, but only after his attorneys negotiate a cut of the jersey sales.

* Minnesota defensive end Jared Allen's season comes to an abrupt end when, while on an elk-hunting trip at Alaska's Kodiak Islands during the Vikings' Week 9 bye week, he is mistaken for an ape and shot from a helicopter by Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Left for dead, Allen is rescued by a herd of manly bull elks, nursed back to health, and returned to civilization, with a new respect for an animal he once mercilessly killed, as well as an appreciation for the four-point stance, and being "mounted."

* Matthew Stafford, the first selection in the 2009 NFL draft, gets the start in the Lions' first preseason game against the Falcons on August 15th, facing Matt Ryan, last year's third pick. Stafford begins his first NFL preseason game just as Ryan began his first regular-season game last year by throwing a touchdown pass ... to a Falcon. Stafford's first pass is intercepted and returned 35 yards for a touchdown by Atlanta cornerback Chris Houston.

* New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, the fifth pick in the draft, becomes an instant fan-favorite in the New York-New Jersey area, and a local Big Apple eatery honors the former USC star with a dish in his name, a fish taco smothered in mustard and Worcestershire sauce known as the "Dirty Sanchez."

Later in the year, Sanchez declines an offer to appear on the cover of men's alternative fashion magazine QGQ wearing only a No. 12 Joe Namath jersey and fishnet stockings.

* Michael Vick meets with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in early November to discuss reinstatement. The meeting goes well until Vick, in his excitement at a possible return to the league, furiously humps the leg of the Commisioner, then urinates on the floor of Goodell's office.

* Minnesota running back Adrian Peterson is a consensus first pick in most fantasy football drafts, and doesn't disappoint, breaking the 1,000-yard mark in the Vikes first seven games. However, Peterson is again plagued by fumbling issues, which, much to the chagrin of fantasy owners, cuts into his goal line touches.

Nevertheless, Peterson's endorsement worth skyrockets, and he becomes the face of several big-time products, most notably Butterfinger candy bars.

* On September 1st, just in time for the NFL season, resident New York Times writer/stalker/fictionalist/man-hater Selena Roberts announces the release of her controversial new book, titled "Peyton Manning: Satan's Signal Caller." In the book, Roberts paints a damning picture of Manning as the supreme leader of a worldwide cult of immoral beings and hedonistic decadents.

Manning good-naturedly laughs off the book, citing Roberts' penchant for sensationalistic journalism practices, while Raiders owner Al Davis angrily files an injunction to the book's release, accusing Roberts of outright plagiarism of his own autobiography.

* After the Browns suffer a humiliating 31-10 loss to the Chargers in Cleveland on December 6th, Jamal Lewis vents his frustration at the gall of some of his teammates texting on their cell phones in the locker room afterwards, calling them a "bunch of Twitters" on his personal blog.

* As the Patriots prepare in London for their October 25th game versus Tampa Bay at Wembley Stadium, many of the players use their down time for sightseeing. Unwise to British traditions, Randy Moss makes a particularly large splash across the pond when, during a visit to Buckingham Palace, he high fives Queen Victoria instead of properly bowing. Moss then tells the Queen he loved her in The Naked Gun. Then, upon learning that the Queen is married to a prince, Prince Philip, and not a king, Moss presents her with a 40 of King Kobra malt liquor.

Suitably impressed with his exploits, Moss declares himself heir to the throne, excuses himself to the Palace's parlor restroom, and emerges minutes later to announce that he "just abdicated. But don't worry, I royally flushed."

Moss is skewered in the British press, but is quickly forgiven at Wembley when he bows to the crowd after the first of his two touchdown catches. New England whips the Buccaneers 41-10, and the headline in the following day's edition of The Sun read "English Snuffin.'"

* In a December 13th game at New England, disgruntled Carolina Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers, who expressed his desire to play for the Patriots before being franchised by Carolina, returns a Tom Brady fumble 66 yards, the wrong way, for a Patriots safety. Peppers celebrates with former Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jim Marshall, who, coincidentally and conveniently, watches from the Patriots end zone. Peppers then confronts head coach John Fox and proclaims, "Now do you believe I wanted to play for the Patriots?"

Fox immediately disenfranchises Peppers, stripping him of his Panther status. Peppers is later picked up on waivers by the Harlem Globetrotters.

* Jacksonville quarterback David Garrard finds a new favorite target in veteran wide receiver Torry Holt, the Jags' biggest offseason free agent acquisition. Garrard immediately clicks with Holt, and after Holt catches 10 passes for 140 yards and 2 touchdowns in a Week 2 win over the Cardinals, Garrard expresses his joy at being able to throw to an ex-Ram as opposed to an ex-con.

* Former Buccaneers coach John Gruden makes a seamless transition from coaching to the "Monday Night Football" team, joining Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski in the booth after Tony Kornheiser's departure. Gruden's knowledge of the game and quick-wittedness adds a sharp-tongued presence to the team, and ratings soar after Gruden promises, prior to Week 1's Buffalo/New England contest, to put the "MF" in MNF.

* Defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, Washington's $100 million free agent prize, continues his dominance as the league's finest interior lineman. Haynesworth's No. 92 jersey quickly becomes a hot seller in D.C., matching the popularity of the No. 8 Capitals jersey of NHL superstar Alex Ovechkin.

In October, Haynesworth and Ovechkin are invited to the White House for an honorary dropping of the puck to celebrate the Capitals season opener. Haynesworth gladly obliges, but Ovechkin, after learning of Haynesworth's more infamous NFL exploits, declines to attend, telling the White House that "there's no way I'm participating in a 'face-off' with Haynesworth."

* Referee Ed Hochuli, his once-sterling reputation sullied by last year's blown Jay Cutler fumble call, promises that he will not make any mistakes in the upcoming season. However, Hochuli can't make the same promise in regards to his line judge, Tim Conway, nor his back judge, Don Knotts, nor his head linesman, Jerry Lewis.

* On Conference Championship Sunday, the visiting Patriots take down the defending Super Bowl champion Steelers, 23-20, behind 98 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns from Fred Taylor.

In the NFC, the home-standing Eagles defeat the Falcons in the title game, 30-24.

In Super Bowl XLIV in Miami, Donovan McNabb engineers a late game-winning drive with seven completions and two first-down rushes, leading the Eagles to a 28-24 win over New England. McNabb makes history, becoming the first and only black quarterback to hoist the Lombardi Trophy, then vomit on it.

* Pacman Jones, displaying the entrepreneurial spirit of a disgraced former NFL star hard up for cash, opens the nation's first adult entertainment venue/shooting range. "Money Shots" opens to much fanfare in Jones' hometown of Atlanta, but ultimately fails due to financial, safety, security, health, sanitation, child care, and homeland security concerns.

Broke, Jones' accepts a role on NBC's critically-acclaimed cop drama "Southland," playing a former superstar athlete turned streetwise hustler with an itchy trigger finger, a role Entertainment Weekly hails as one "Pacman was born to play."

* Already with one connection to the Saints (Kim Kardashian dates New Orleans running back Reggie Bush), the Kardashian clan adds another when Khloe, Kim's younger and more robust sister, signs with the Saints as an offensive lineman. Thus, the Amazonian Khloe becomes the second Kardashian charged with opening holes for Reggie Bush.

Manny Ramirez: "Mannywood-en Nose"

Jeff Boswell — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:23:20 GMT

Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Manny Ramirez was recently suspended 50 games for testing positive for a banned drug known as "hCG" (human chorionic gonadotropin), a drug often used to soften the effects of ending a cycle of steroids. Ramirez said the drugs were prescribed by a physician for a "personal health issue." Should we buy Ramirez' explanation?

Doctor-prescribed? Personal health issue? Let me respond to those claims with a phrase that I'm sure Manny, and many other cheating baseball players, have uttered to direct a syringe full of steroids ... "my ass."

Let's see. A power-hitting baseball superstar wants me to believe his explanation of how a banned substance appeared in his body? My testicles are shrinking at the very audacity of Ramirez' claim. Sorry, Manny. There's only one way you can convince me that a doctor prescribed this medication, and that's by showing me the medical license of Doctor Jose Canseco.

And yes, in the baseball world of illicit drugs, players like Canseco can become "board"-certified by mastering the game of "Operation."

"Personal health issue," Manny? Aside from hCG's use in connection with a cycle of steroids, it's often used by non-baseball players to stimulate female fertility, stimulate testosterone production in men, and to treat delayed puberty in boys. So, Manny, unless your "personal health issue" was the desire to get pregnant, or a need for more testosterone, or enjoying puberty 20 years too late, then you shouldn't be taking hCG.

Besides, it's No. 51 on Major League Baseball's list of banned substances. And the term "human chorionic gonadotropin" contains the word "gonad." Rule of thumb, Manny: never put anything into your body that contains the word "gonad."

Anyway, the left field bleachers at Dodger Stadium are named "Mannywood" in your honor. That name was built on home runs and RBIs. Should it be built on lies and half-truths, the name might have to be changed to "Mannywood-en Nose."

Is this what the drug situation in baseball has come to ... players using fertility drugs that could be much better utilized by women who need it most, like mothers looking to add a brood of eight to an already full house of six? I understand Manny is approaching 40 years of age, a time when many parents are looking to revisit the joys of parenthood. He's fathered three children, but has yet to mother any. And that has to leave an empty feeling, much like a player, like a Barry Bonds, would feel who's won individual awards, but not a World Series title.

Maybe fertility drugs were the closest Manny could come to motherhood, and, as a bonus, they could ease the effects of pumping near-lethal amounts of steroids into his body.

Of course, it's far-fetched, almost impossible even, that Manny could ever give birth. It's one thing to carry the entire Dodgers team; it's something else entirely to carry a baby to term. But it darn sure would have made an interesting visit to the gynecologist. Maybe that's why Manny wears his pants so close to his cleats - he's just not a big fan of stirrups.

And what of the poor young boys yet to experience the joys of puberty, Manny? How dare your doctor prescribe you hCG when it could better serve someone who truly needs a boost of testosterone, not to hit a baseball further, but to resume the path to manhood. Manny, you remember the ups and downs of puberty, don't you? The joy. The confusion. Kind of like the Great Home Run Race of 1998.

Don't deny a poor kid his chance to enjoy the fruits of hCG. All he wants is a little hair on his chest; all you want are the pimples off your rear and your balls back to normal size. Hey, I understand the embarrassment of playing the game of pocket pool and coming up empty. You just want things back like they used to be. What baseball fan longing for the days of clean play can't relate to that?

This all started with a urine sample taken from Ramirez during spring training. In the current culture of baseball, giving the spring training urine sample is becoming as common for players as giving the spring training autograph, or spring training interview, or lying about past drug use. Let's face it. The wave of the future in collectibles is not baseball cards, but urine samples. If you're sitting on a Barry Bonds' 2003, then you've got a gold mine on your hands, a veritable golden shower of collectible worth. And any Mark McGwire sample is sure to draw a hefty price, and even more on the yellow market. And any item with Roger Clemens DNA on it is definitely something you'd want to pass down to your kids, or federal agents.

Hey, they don't call baseball America's "piss-time" for nothing.

Ramirez' sample showed an elevated level of testosterone, so high that even former East German female track stars were alarmed.

It pains me that Ramirez, like many other baseball players, has not learned the lesson that when busted, it's always best to admit your guilt, immediately. Baseball fans are generally a forgiving bunch, probably too forgiving, but they've been conditioned not to believe players' so-called legitimate excuses for positive drug test. You know those signs often seen in the stands? Those that read "We Believe." Well, if you saw the back side of those signs, it would read "...that you are a liar."

Me, I can accept an admission of guilt in a heartbeat. The truth? I can handle the truth. Apparently, most baseball players accused of, if not proven to be, drug cheats, cannot handle the truth, or at least the consequences of telling the truth.

Of course, it takes a huge pair of balls to tell the truth after first lying. Maybe that's why baseball's steroid cheats can't make themselves tell the truth; their testicles have been so diminished by the effects of steroids, that they are no longer man enough to make the admission. They lack the "testicular fortitude."

There is a statute of limitations on telling the truth, after first lying. If Barry Bonds came up to me today and admitted to everything he's been accused of, I would reply, "You're a liar." Sorry, Barry. The statute of limitations ran out long ago.

Ramirez, on the other hand, has time to be truthful, and be forgiven, and be praised even. But with each passing day that he maintains his innocence, the less likely the truth, if ever admitted, will benefit him.

As it is, nothing surprises baseball fans anymore. Sure, fans are disappointed when they hear that their favorite player has used steroids, but not surprised. Fans have become desensitized to steroid scandals. I guarantee Ramirez fans will get over his drug issues, and I'm guessing it will take them somewhere around 50 games to do so.

Forgiving is easy. Forgetting is not. Forgiving is even easier when someone admits a mistake, or a lapse in judgment, or an association with a known merchant of banned substances. All too often, players use the excuse of "not knowing." That is, "not knowing" that the drug was banned, or "not knowing" that they were even taking a banned substance, or "not knowing" that their trusted doctor had prescribed something they shouldn't have.

Manny should look at the examples of Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds, two players who have adamantly maintained their innocence in defiance of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Of course, there's not overwhelming evidence in Manny's case, but there is evidence. It's best to come clean before this all becomes a legal issue, which, as Bonds and Clemens can attest, is not a good thing.

So Manny, it would behoove you to make a full admission, and honor the words of the great statesman Barney Fife, who insists that you need to "nip it in the bud."

Percy Harvin: The Next Moss, Or "Pot" Bust

Jeff Boswell — Fri, 01 May 2009 15:33:15 GMT

The Minnesota Vikings selected wide receiver Percy Harvin as the 22nd pick in this year's NFL draft, despite the fact that the Florida star failed a drug test at the NFL Combine. Is the risk (that Harvin smokes his way out of the league) less or greater than the reward (that Harvin is the next Randy Moss)?

I don't think Harvin is the next Randy Moss, nor do I think he'll allow a relatively harmless drug to ruin a potentially promising career. I believe Harvin's future lies somewhere in between those two extremes - he'll be a good receiver who likes to smoke marijuana at the intersection of "occasionally" and "frequently."

In today's NFL, success is often measured in the number of trips to the Pro Bowl, while the number of trips to Roger Goodell's office is often a yardstick for failure. However, if a player can do both, it becomes much easier for teams to tolerate those trips to Goodell's office, or any type of negative behavior. Clearly, Minnesota placed greater weight on Harvin's ability as a football player than they did on his character. Thus, it was an easy decision to snatch him with the 22nd pick in the draft.

The parallels to the situation of Moss are highly similar to that of Harvin. Moss was forecast as a high first-round pick in the 1998 draft, but issues mainly related to marijuana caused his stock to fall. The Vikings gambled successfully and drafted Moss with the 21st pick, and after numerous touchdown catches, as well as the occasional mooning, misting of officials, running down of parking attendants, and early exits from the playing field, it's clear the Vikings made the right choice.

It's obvious that the Vikings scouting department is well-versed in talent assessment, and have a special ability not for weeding out those players that don't fit their desired profile, but weeding in those that do.

Players invited to the NFL Combine know full well that they'll be tested for drugs, so when Harvin tested positive for marijuana, many teams raised red flags as to Harvin's commitment and maturity. But not the Vikings. They raised a "green" flag, apparently impressed that Harvin showed up at the Combine knowing he would fail the drug test. That's either incredible confidence in one's ability, or incredible overconfidence in the quality of one's drug masking substance.

In any case, Harvin must have impressed with all but his drug test at the Combine. He ran a 4.41 40-yard dash, amazingly while under the influence of a positive drug test. That's pretty fast. So, the Vikings liked Harvin for exactly the same reason other teams didn't like him - he was a "burner."

Minnesota was so impressed with Harvin's physical workout results that head coach Brad Childress flew to Florida to spend a day with Harvin, to get a clear idea of his mental makeup, and to experience a typical day for a pot-smoking NFL prospect. Childress was impressed, and quipped that "anyone who lives under that much florescent lighting is definitely ready for the NFL limelight."

While spending time with Harvin, Childress learned, first hand, that the physical talent Harvin displayed at the Combine was no fluke, nor was the 12 he scored on the Wonderlic test, which is loosely equivalent to a 7.12 second 40-yard dash. Wisely, Childress realized that Harvin, should they draft him, would most likely be sprinting on the Metrodome turf, and not blindly filling in circles with a No. 2 pencil.

"Paper was made for rolling anyway," reportedly said Harvin, a comment that really charmed Childress.

Childress added that the Vikings personnel evaluators don't give much credence to Wonderlic scores, particularly in regards to players with 40's in the 4.4 range. So, the fact that Harvin wasn't high on the list didn't concern them. And neither did the fact that Harvin was "high" on the list.

When all was said and done, the Vikings still had to wait and cross their fingers that no other team would snag Harvin before the Vikes could. Ideally, Childress stated, Minnesota would have liked to make Harvin the twentieth pick in the fourth round, thus pick 4:20. However, there was little or no chance that Harvin would slide that far, so the Vikings sweated through 21 picks before their turn arrived, with Harvin still available.

The deal was done when Harvin walked onstage at the NFL Draft and donned a Vkings baseball cap with the familiar Viking "horn" logo, presenting fans with excitement for the upcoming season, as well as giving Harvin a clever, new idea for a marijuana pipe.

Now, it's all up to Harvin to decide his route. The NFL is littered with players who had the physical skills to succeed, but failed for one reason or another. Drug problems are often the case. In the NFL, where drugs are concerned, if you lack discipline, you will be disciplined. Harvin has a choice to make, the most important of which is whether or not to put that Bob Marley poster up in his locker. It's all about passion, and if Harvin's passion for football is weighed in grams, then he's in trouble.

But could Harvin have asked for a better situation than the one that awaits him in Minnesota? The Vikings lack a reliable playmaker at the wide receiver position, so the door is open for Harvin to make an immediate impact. And with a new quarterback in town, Sage Rosenfels, Minnesota seems committed to establishing a passing game equally as dangerous as its rushing atack with Adrian Peterson. Plus, herb already plays an important role in Harvin's life; having a quarterback named after one can only sweeten the pot.

Additionally, Harvin should reward the Vikings for their loyalty with loyalty of his own. They drafted him despite his failed drug test; the least he can do is honor that with effort on the field and discretion off the field. That means staying away from temptation, such as marijuana, strip clubs, and chartered boat rides. In other words, the things that get professional football players through a grueling Minnesota football season.

Whiles it's highly doubtful that Harvin will explode onto the scene like Moss did in his rookie year, he will certainly contribute, and add an explosive element to the Vikings passing game. And, with the growing popularity of trick formations, Harvin will give the Vikes a weapon to employ on direct snaps.

It's like people have been saying for years: the buzz surrounding this guy is immense.