FanNation

Rejoice! The Dark Lord is Back!

Yes it is true my loyal, yet deranged, followers. The Dark Lord of Sports is back. Thank you, thank you, please stay on your knees. After an extended hiatus in the belly of the abyss I have returned to wreak havoc on the world of sports once again! Truth be told, I actually missed your silly throwdowns and moronic blog posts. It brings me great satisfaction to witness the depth of mankind's ignorance. Your petty arguments bring a tortured smile to my rotting face and when the Dark Lord smiles, babies die. I like that.

The Dark Lord Hates The New England Patriots

Welcome back my loyal, yet depraved, followers to my column. This week I turn my ire and disgust at the hated New England Patriots. How I hate the Patriots and everything they stand for. The weekly hype and hysteria covering the Patriots is overwhelming and idiotic to say the least. They have already been crowned the champions of the NFL and it is barely October! Indeed, some foolish mortals have begun mentioning the Patriots and undeafeated season in the same breath!

You are indeed fools if you believe that. Well the Dark Lord is fed up with the Patriots and will put them in their place once and for all! Listed below, in no particular order, are some of the biggest reasons why the Dark Lord hates the New England Patriots!

The constant and overwhelming praise from front running announcers and so called "experts". I am beginning to notice very dark, brown patches over the nose area of many ESPN analysts, and I suspect rampant brown-nosing is to blame for that malady. A foul stench is emanating from Bristol and its not only their idiotic commentary. At the very least wipe your noses clean when your done.

Read the Rest

The Putrid Rankings

Welcome to the Dark Lords first ever installment of the Putrid Rankings. Here I will sort NFL teams in descending order based on their overall putridness. Win/loss record is a factor but not an overwhelming one. Team dsyfunction and abysmal play factor in also. The Dark Lord also takes great stock in team distractions. Now on to the rankings!

32.    Colts (5-0):     Team harmony is at an all time high as the Colts seem to roll on despite missing key contributors on offense. Not to mention being the only team in NFL history to start 5-0 in 3 consecutive seasons. It makes me want to vomit. 

31.    Cowboys (5-0):    They must have the Dark One's own luck, winning despite turning the ball over and over again in a very ugly game. Why isn't T.O. wreaking havoc in the locker room? I'm going to have to check into that.

30.    Titans (3-1):    At one time the Titans would have ranked much higher on my Putrid Rankings with the "stomping" incident and the Pac Man Jones saga. Unfortunately Jeff Fisher has this team playing above expectations and Vince Young continues to win despite pitiful play.

29.    Steelers (4-1):    This team is a fraud. Tomlin has them playing like a championship team but they will soon fall from their pedestal. Tougher competition will expose them.

28.    Redskins (3-1):    The Redskins completely destroyed the Lions and made the profoundly boring Jason Campbell look like a pro bowler. Don't get your hopes up Redskins fans, Campbell doesn't have what it takes to take you back into the promised land.

27.    Buc's (3-2):    The Colts exposed this team for what they really are, a bunch of lucky and overachieving fools. Honestly, you can't believe that the worlds most ugliest player, Jeff Garcia, is the answer do you?

26.   Patriots (5-0):   Once again the Patriots are being accused of being a classless and dirty team. It brings a dark smile to my face. If it walks like a cheat, smell like a cheat and talks like a cheat then guess what it is silly mortals? The New England Patriots! Also the fact that the Browns actually put up 17 points on the Pats is pathetic.

25.    Packers (4-1):    Once again losing in "legendary" Lambeau field to the abysmal Bears hints at the true character of this team.  5 turnovers and 12 penalties show you idiotic cheese heads how good this team really is. Favre needs to start doubling up his HGH.

24.    Texans (3-2):    Somehow this "storied" losing franchise is improving. Even missing their top offensive weapon Matt Schaub is doing what David Carr never could. Ugh, it makes me want to scream! Hopefully the Jags pound this team into a bloody pulp. I can't stomach the Texans with a winning record.

The Dark Lord Hates Brett Favre

I, the Dark Lord, would like to welcome you foolish mortals to my new weekly column. This column will be dedicated to calling out all your so called "great" athletes and champions of the sports world. And who better to start out with than the most over-rated quarterback in NFL history, Brett Favre.

Brett Favre, that arrogant fool, is at it again. Making clueless announcers fawn over his every move and causing fans to sing his praises. Well I am here to put a stop to it! Listed below, in no particular order, are some of the biggest reasons the Dark Lord hates Brett Favre.

• His last name does not make any sense. How in the nether world does the "R" get pronounced before the "V". It should be spelled Farve not Favre. It does not make any sense! Brett should be stricken from this world just for having a terrible last name. And I thought my name was weird.

More Musings from the Dark Side

I did not expect to reward you unworthy mortals with another blog so soon but there is just so much going on that I had to speak. Indeed, the need to speak out was driving me like a vampiric thirst for blood! Where do I begin...ahh yes Travis Henry. 

Travis Henry is yet another example of the stupidity you mortals seem to embrace. Nevermind the fact that he has spawned more evil spawn than the Dark Lord himself, but failing another drug test takes the cake. Is marijuana that addictive that millionare athletes can't help themselves but smoke it? Like it or not, I really want NFL athletes to get busted for doing crack or cocaine, like the original L.T. I mean that would at least give you a performance enhancement.

Read the Rest