FanNation - The Republic of Sport

As a long-time fan of a much beleaguered conference (The Big East), I have PTSD from the continual pummeling that anyone and everyone seems to feel the need to inflict on my beloved team and conference. I am developing hives in anticipation of the upcoming season which will likely feature widespread mediocrity across the eastern seaboard and the inevitable avalanche of insults that will follow. Dr. Swamp, is there anything you can do for me?

I would prescribe one Tim Tebow for your favorite Big East team - but you can't have him, so we'll try option #2.

It would SEEM that your big problem is choosing to cheer for a lousy conference - the cure for that is to choose another one (I'd recommend the SEC for building positive self-esteem). Ask me how to break an addiction if you have trouble making the switch.

However, I suspect that you aren't being fully truthful with me, OSUmountie, and I really can't help you if you don't trust me. Honestly, now, are you a fan of that beleaguered team in Columbus, Ohio? (Now I KNOW you're nuts.) Buck up, big guy, and take your lumps - OSU will continue to get heckled until it wins The Big One. And with another butt-whipping by USC coming... you've got a long wait ahead of you. I recommend taking 41.14 Ambien pills and sleeping through the next three college football seasons.

QUOTE(#1):

Originally posted 06:52 PM ET  07.23 by osumountie

Dr. Swamp, is there anything you can do for me?

Probably not, but if I may... about the hives, if you're sure it's not the ****, a quick look at the Big East BCS Bowl record will be a very effective remedy.

Now, now, Mr. Norka - logic will get you nowhere. This is a facility that aims to help patients in other ways.

Nice of you to drop in, however. How are things in YOUR life?

Dr. Swamp, what's your take on self deprecating humor? I think it's lame-O.

For example; my btichtits itch, plus I'm a half cripple AND I got a rotten gizzard!

QUOTE(#6):

Originally posted 07:23 PM ET  07.23 by norka

Dr. Swamp, what's your take on self deprecating humor? I think it's lame-O.For example; my btichtits itch, plus I'm a half cripple AND I got a rotten gizzard!

Self-deprecating humor can certainly be lame if one is half-crippled as you say - in fact, it should be in that circumstance! In that manner, such jokes become puns - which are considered a highly intellectual form of humor by some (Mr. Samuel Johnson excluded, of course).

Overall, if self-deprecating humor helps you laugh at yourself in a good way, I say go for it. Laughter IS the best medicine, according to age-old sages and Reader's Digest. If, however, your self-deprecating humor is a reflection of your inner bitterness and it serves to irritate yourself over your condition(s) even more... then, no, I cannot recommend it. Instead, follow the words of an old hymn and "Count your blessings, name them one by one..." Start seeing what IS good in your life. Be thankful for those things, and allow laughter to return. Make the most of your life, and do as many of the things you enjoy as you can!

QUOTE(#7):

Originally posted 07:40 PM ET  07.23 by GatorSwamp

"Count your blessings, name them one by one..."

Exactly! You should see my cane collection! I have five of them and they all have names and four of them I made myself. The aluminum one I got from the VA is Tin Man, John Wayne Cane is sturdy and gives confidence, Mr. Green Jeans is for the Holidays and special occasions, the Kenny Goebel is my crooked cane and my last one is the lightning fast Birdman!

You're a genious* Dr. Swamp!

*and a Buffoon & Fool

QUOTE(#8):

Originally posted 07:56 PM ET  07.23 by norka

...You're a genious* Dr. Swamp!*and a Buffoon & Fool

Thank you, Mr. Norka. My geniusosity does shine at times, I do admit.

PS Try glueing candy on your canes for an extra pick-me-up while you're on the go!

QUOTE:

Originally posted 06:46 PM ET  07.23 by GatorSwamp

Welcome to Swamp Psychiatric Services - I am your counselor and your guide, GatorSwamp. Feel free to stop by for advice any time. I may not always be in, but I will get to you when I can.

I'll probably be spending a lot of time here. Not because I need to* but because your waiting room is air conditioned and quite comfortable, perfect for that afternoon nap and the Muzak is sssoooo relaxing... but could you tell your receptionist to stop asking "Can I help you?" It's rather bothersome and it disturbs my nap time.

*so what!

Stay for as long as you like, Mr. Norka! I have tried to make this a comfortable atmosphere.

I'll speak to Ms. Keibler about bothering you. She probably sees you immobile and is worried that someone has died in the waiting room. It's such nasty business when that happens, I tell you!

("Stacy! Stacy! That is Mr. Norka over there, and he may be spending a good bit of time here. You can keep an eye on him, flirt a little to make him feel good, but in general it is best to let sleeping bears lie. Check on him once or twice a day, but otherwise let him be. He'll come to you when he needs something. Thanks, Sweetie. Overall, you're doing a great job.")

LMAO.

Swampy,

My employer seems to think that my countless hours on FN shirking responsibility and blaming interns for missed deadlines is not in the best interest of the company. The President said the project I work on is so messed up that the Federal Government is cancelling it and starting over. Now I need to find new employment quickly but this interferes with the pre-season hype and start of the new CFB season. What should my priority be?

Can you help me stop clicking [Last> all the time so I can find a job? Can you find me a job that pays for me to click [Next> all the time?

QUOTE(#12):

Originally posted 08:36 PM ET  07.23 by PSUinHolidaySpirit

Swampy,My employer seems to think that my countless hours on FN shirking responsibility and blaming interns for missed deadlines is not in the best interest of the company. The President said the project I work on is so messed up that the Federal Government is cancelling it and starting over. Now I need to find new employment quickly but this interferes with the pre-season hype and start of the new CFB season. What should my priority be?Can you help me stop clicking [Last> all the time so I can find a job? Can you find me a job that pays for me to click [Next> all the time?

Hi, Mr. PSU. Your problem is more common than you might think - so, in the words of the late Michael Jackson, "You are not alone." I hope that is of some comfort.

I think the President's threats are just that. The federal government does not like to "start over," nor does it like to cancel things. That makes it look like it made a mistake. In all likelihood, your department may be facing some changes, but deadbeat employees like you will probably just be shuffled around a little to make the changes look bigger than they are. One possible exception: was your project started by a previous administration? If so, you could be screwed.

I would recommend, however, that you take some computer and internet courses. Once you get the education and experience you need, apply for a job at FanNation. Then you can actually get paid for doing what you love so much. Similarly, you could get paid to do what you enjoy by exploring a career in porn... and those computer classes would still come in handy!

"Dr. Swamp, can you help me? I'm in a bad place right now."

"Yes, me, Dr. Swamp - Mischa Barton."

Dear, dear, Ms. Barton, I can certainly try. Your first problem is that you take the criticism leveled at you too much to heart. Celebrities are picked apart these days, and you must expect any flaw you have to be magnified many times over - and some things will be called flaws that really aren't.

If you have turned to drugs or alcohol to numb your pain, you best stop now. Partying hard only offers momentary euphoria, and then it fades leaving you empty. I recommend an immediate cease and desist on the partying - bulk up your self-esteem, start eating a healthy diet, and learn to be comfortable with yourself. Dump your non-supportive friends, and accept the helping hands offered by such loving friends as Lindsay Lohan. She's been there, and she can help you through it... or, you may drag her back down, but that's neither here nor there and it's out of my control.

Eat two hamburgers and call me in the morning!

Dr. Swampie,

I keep getting gripes from noobs and homers about being to harsh, trying to drive them from the boards, acting as if I live here, comprising 1 of a handfull who think they run FN.

I mean sure, I get a larger character allotment in my comments than anyone else, but....


Well, I guess what I want to know is...how do I become a kinder, gentler, more loving Prove It?

QUOTE(#18):

Originally posted 03:52 AM ET  07.24 by Prove It

Dr. Swampie,I keep getting gripes from noobs and homers about being to harsh, trying to drive them from the boards, acting as if I live here, comprising 1 of a handfull who think they run FN.I mean sure, I get a larger character allotment in my comments than anyone else, but....Well, I guess what I want to know is...how do I become a kinder, gentler, more loving Prove It?

Mr. Prove It, it is admirable that you are willing to change in response to the criticism of other people, but we need to examine whether or not you SHOULD change. If you have a true fault, by all means make the effort - but as far as I can tell the qualities you speak of are hardly faults.

Noobs and homers are stupid, plain and simple. And by pandering to their desires... well, pandering can mean "to indulge someone's weaknesses" but it can also mean "to procure sexual favors for someone" - and that second meaning is illegal! In other words, I would oppose Nike by saying: DON'T DO IT.

Live up to your name. When noobs and homers make ridiculous statements, demand that they "prove it." I'll not reprove you for doing that, I assure you! If this very logical request drives such morons from FanNation... well, we should revoke their citizenship anyway, as they have no business discussing sports with rational people. So embrace your nature - and the service you provide your cyber-nation.

One brief clarification: you are aware that the term "homer" has nothing to do with sexual orientation, correct? Because it is wrong to discriminate on the basis of color, sexual orientation, religion, and many other factors - but discriminating against the stupid is always acceptable, down to a certain IQ level. Once the "retarded" label actually fits, it's no longer funny, just mean.

I hope this helps.

QUOTE(#19):

Originally posted 09:50 AM ET  07.24 by GatorSwamp

Noobs and homers are stupid, plain and simple. When noobs and homers make ridiculous statements, demand that they "prove it." I'll not reprove you for doing that, I assure you! If this very logical request drives such morons from FanNation... well, we should revoke their citizenship anyway, as they have no business discussing sports with rational people.

Thank you for pointing out my faults so well, but rational is sometimes in the eye of the beholder....and those that demand proof should be willing to fairly discuss what they feel has been proven. Key word being fairly.