NCAAF  > General NCAAF  > Okay. So I know this probably doesn't belong here...
July 9, 2010, 12:10 AM
But many of you are married, seemingly decent guys ( it is the net after all), and some are single. SO I'm calling on you boys and ladies...not for advice, but more or less an outlook on things.
Two different situations. Please give me advice, I'm new to this!

1. Went on two great dates with a guy. Second date, he asked me if i was going to "aski him to come up"...and when I spelled out I wasnt that chick, he waite until a Satuday (following week) to call. My thing is, is it ever okay to ask a girl if you are gonna have sex, or if sex is in the cards, etc....

2. Went on a date tonight with a different guy....bill came. 54 bucks. He threw in 40, said "how about you do the rest plus tip.". First date. Is that norm?

I am not saying any is right or wrong, I'm just looking for different perspectives.

Thanks, if you can help!!!!!
Comment #1 has been removed
July 9, 2010  12:32 AM ET
QUOTE(#1):

1. If you don't ask, the answer will always be no.2. You should have announced you would be inviting him up afterward.

Okay...I'm just confused...is it ever okay for a guy to ask? I mean, even as eary on the second date?
Let me preface by saying.... (cue sappy music) I have over the past two years really gone over an over haul of what i want, and NOT.
But, I've nver delt with that. SO I'mlost....

July 9, 2010  04:01 AM ET

It has been a while since I was on the dating scene but here is my take: (to the guys reading this remember this is a woman's perspective)

Guy/ Question 1: The answer really comes down to you as far as if it is too early for him to ask. You know how you feel and what you believe about a physical relationship. But the fact that you are asking about it tells me you are not comfortable with the question and/or the answer. If it makes you uncomfortable, be honest with him. Be open about what you feel but don't be apologetic either. Explain how you feel. And you may be surprised by his answer. He might have felt that he was supposed to ask or was just testing the waters. Also, he might have waited to call again for a variety of reasons. It could be he was embarrassed pushing too soon or was afraid you would turn him down for another date. Or it might have been that he was busy and didn't have a chance to call. It all comes down to being honest with him. And this doesn't necessarily involve a long conversation. If you really like him, give him a chance but don't feel pressured to take a step you are not ready for just to keep him. If he is really someone worth spending more time with and developing a relationship with then he will care about how you feel as much or more than what his hormones are wanting. But don't leave him hanging, if a physical relationship will not be in the picture be honest or if it is a possibility but further down the line be honest about that. NOW, if he keeps pressuring you when you don't feel comfortable, that would be a real red flag for me.

On to Guy 2: Where I'm from this is not the norm for a first date but... I don't have a problem with sharing the bill but this should be something decided in advance. What if you didn't have the money with you? Now if he looked at the bill and realized he didn't have the money to cover it, there are better ways to handle it. To discretely explain, "You know I realize I don't have enough to cover it... " This actually happened when my husband and I were dating. he got busy and forgot to go by the ATM. We were with other couples but he quietly explained the situation and I was more than willing to help out and appreciated his openness. But to just announce why don't you cover the rest plus tip? That would be a definite turn off for me.

Not sure if this helps. It boils down to how you feel. You should never feel pressured into anything you don't feel comfortable with just to keep a guy. If he's worth keeping he will care about what you feel and will be willing to wait. Stay true to yourself and what you want and believe.

July 9, 2010  07:34 AM ET

So, a guy answers with 23 words and a gal answers with 23 paragraphs. now that's funny!

Comment #5 has been removed
July 9, 2010  08:11 AM ET
QUOTE:

But many of you are married, seemingly decent guys ( it is the net after all), and some are single. SO I'm calling on you boys and ladies...not for advice, but more or less an outlook on things.Two different situations. Please give me advice, I'm new to this!1. Went on two great dates with a guy. Second date, he asked me if i was going to "aski him to come up"...and when I spelled out I wasnt that chick, he waite until a Satuday (following week) to call. My thing is, is it ever okay to ask a girl if you are gonna have sex, or if sex is in the cards, etc....2. Went on a date tonight with a different guy....bill came. 54 bucks. He threw in 40, said "how about you do the rest plus tip.". First date. Is that norm?I am not saying any is right or wrong, I'm just looking for different perspectives.Thanks, if you can help!!!!!

As I believe I'm the youngest man of drinking age on this board by three decades or so, and as such one of the few still dating, here's my two cents.

1. No, he should never outright ask to come up to your place. A joke about it over after dinner coffee/drinks is one thing, but he shouldn't say, "Are you going to invite me?" It smacks of expectation and sometimes, desperation. When a guy is dropping you off, it's completely up to you on whether you want it to continue.

2. No, this is not the norm. From my experience and my friends' as well, we view handling the check on the first few dates, at least, as our responsibility. That being said, I usually look for my date to make a polite offer to split or chip in or take care of the tip which I decline. It just seems polite to make that token offer. Other than that, though, no, the guy should always pick up the check on the first date.

July 9, 2010  08:20 AM ET

#1 - Call me an old fart, but I have always felt that 3 or 4 dates was a minimum before heading to the bedroom. And, NO, a guy shouldn't ask. If the chemistry is right, he will know it. It's amazing what a woman can say with her eyes and her body language. I actually enjoyed the "journey" of dating my wife..... and sex wasn't the first thing on my mind during the date (it was a REAAAL close second.....but it wasn't the first).

However, I see E's point. If you've had several dates and are confused on the "status" of the relationship, asking "where do you see this relationship going" is appropriate. With that said, if the person is submitting form 1038-C "Request for nakedness" after the 2nd date, are they really wanting to get to know you or is this date just the "process" to get into bed?

#2 - Even in college when I was on a tight budget, I still paid for the first few dates. After the 3rd date or so, the girl usually stated that we should start splitting the bill. So, if this guy asked you out and then didn't pay the bill for the first date......that's a bit strange. And is speaks volumes about the type of guy he is.

July 9, 2010  08:31 AM ET
QUOTE:

But many of you are married, seemingly decent guys ( it is the net after all), and some are single. SO I'm calling on you boys and ladies...not for advice, but more or less an outlook on things.Two different situations. Please give me advice, I'm new to this!1. Went on two great dates with a guy. Second date, he asked me if i was going to "aski him to come up"...and when I spelled out I wasnt that chick, he waite until a Satuday (following week) to call. My thing is, is it ever okay to ask a girl if you are gonna have sex, or if sex is in the cards, etc....2. Went on a date tonight with a different guy....bill came. 54 bucks. He threw in 40, said "how about you do the rest plus tip.". First date. Is that norm?I am not saying any is right or wrong, I'm just looking for different perspectives.Thanks, if you can help!!!!!

Courtship (antiquated word, I know) has an ettiquette about it; a protocol, if you will. The man is "woo-ing" the woman while the woman is meant accept and/or deflect proper and respectful advances with grace and guile. When done well and with the right intentions, it's more beautiful than art.

In other words, both of these guys are dipschnitz. And, I suspect, if you think back a little, you ignored some clues along the way. Like I tell my own daughters, "we've spent a lot of time developing your instincts, don't be afraid to use them."

Maybe it's time to recalibrate your radar. Hope you have better luck in the future.

Oh, and send dipschnitz #2 an invoice for the $25.00 it cost you to discover his inadequacy.

July 9, 2010  08:32 AM ET
QUOTE(#5):

Means y'all probably don't communicate well enough intuitively to be a great match.

Listen to the fossil....errrr I mean JRM, this is probably the best comment so far.

July 9, 2010  08:34 AM ET
QUOTE(#8):

In other words, both of these guys are dipschnitz.

This is a close second for the best comment award.

Comment #11 has been removed
July 9, 2010  08:41 AM ET

I think I am of the caliber as JRM in that my ideas and remembrances of dating are old-fashioned....but here goes.

1. Shouldn't ever be a question from the guy. Girl controls this, always has/always will. As has been stated before, the girl can, by body language, hints, etc, let the guy know, or she can come right out and say, "Would you like to join me for a drink (or whatever)". That the guy asked just shows he was probably looking for one thing on the date.

2. Guy always pays period. If, after they have started to develop a serious relationship, or are going on a very expensive date, then they can go dutch....other wise guy pays. That he did this in this manner shows he has no class....

There...now to go back to bed for my early morning nap to be followed by my mid-morning nap....

July 9, 2010  08:43 AM ET

I will say that I never thought I would see this thread on FN.... LOL...

July 9, 2010  08:45 AM ET

If you are not putting out signals & if you have already made it clear where you stand & a guy asks that...he's not worth a long term relationship. I mean I know guys will be guys, but if the man is worth it he will be respectful, caring, thoughtful & hold back some on his want for sex for at least a little while.

The second date sounds like a total cheap ****. If he didn't want to cover the cost of dinner he should have mentioned BEFORE hand. Of course if you asked him out, I would say the bill is on you.

Men are men, but it comes to respect. If they can show respect (not **** kissing guys) then they are worthy of dating. If no respect, then know it is just a fling for them.

Not to sound **** or concieded, but I am SO very lucky that my Crimmy is a respectful, thoughtful, kind, unselfish man and he also likes his BB threads (LOL!) but he puts things in respectful order.

July 9, 2010  09:23 AM ET

Im thinking the same thing.. both these guys are ****.. Im back on the dating scene again as well.. If your asking for someone elses prospective then 1. you didnt think it was appropriate for the question about sex.. and 2. You believe the guy should pick up the tab on a first date ( which he should if he did the asking out). I always offer to pick up the tip, and not that Im a sex on the first date kinda girl.. but if the date is going well then it will work out how it will for any bedroom possiblities in the future.. and the guy will have at least an idea as to where its going.
I say keep looking... there are better things out there and by now you should know the things that you will tolerate and things that you wont.. I know I have.. it has surely cut out a lotta the bull.

July 9, 2010  09:48 AM ET
QUOTE:

1. Went on two great dates with a guy. Second date, he asked me if i was going to "aski him to come up"...and when I spelled out I wasnt that chick, he waite until a Satuday (following week) to call. My thing is, is it ever okay to ask a girl if you are gonna have sex, or if sex is in the cards, etc....2. Went on a date tonight with a different guy....bill came. 54 bucks. He threw in 40, said "how about you do the rest plus tip.". First date. Is that norm?I am not saying any is right or wrong, I'm just looking for different perspectives.Thanks, if you can help!!!!!

39, married, with 4 kids here but a lot of singles work with/for me (in the Navy).

1. The goodnight kiss is either a goodbye or an invite, a dude should be smart enough to figure it out without asking directly. Kinda classless and pushy, esp. for a 2nd date, just MHO though.

2. Unless you asked him out #2 is a loser-if the guy asks he should pay, if you can't afford the best you can probably still go somewhere nice. If you asked him however, split payment wouldn't be bad.

July 9, 2010  09:52 AM ET

Ms. Go, I'll offer my two cents...

1.) If, after just the second date, a guy is willing to ask about sex, then that's likely all he's in it for. I know when I was dating my wife, I would have waited until Hailey's Comet came around again, if that's what she'd wanted. Bottom line: If you're worth it to him, he'll wait...WITHOUT asking! (How Tacky!)

2.) If a guy pulls that BS with the dinner check on the first date, do you really need a second date to determine if he's worth seeing anymore? I think not.

Good luck!

July 9, 2010  10:04 AM ET

Wow, EWO and me agree on something....

July 9, 2010  10:49 AM ET
QUOTE(#19):

Wow, EWO and me agree on something....

It's a strange world, bro :)

 
July 9, 2010  11:22 AM ET
QUOTE(#4):

So, a guy answers with 23 words and a gal answers with 23 paragraphs. now that's funny!

LOL! You are so right.

New Rule for E: Be wary of giving relationship advice at 3 AM while sitting up with sick child.

This does remind me of my most embarrassing 1st date. We went for Chinese and my fortune cookie said: "A night of lust with a stranger may be better than a night of love with someone you know." Of course as everyone does with fortune cookies, he grabs my fortune to see what it said. He laughed and did not even joke about making good on the fortune. We dated for 6 months.

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