MLB  > General MLB  > Watch Walt Brown on line live?
May 5, 2011, 01:15 AM
Meanwhile, at the Football Factory
The football factory in West Bunktown, Ohio, where Barry's wife Margo and his sister-in-law Peggy workThe workers room, a place to eat lunch, gossip, blow off steamIn the pits at the Midget Tractor RacesMargo and Peggy take seats across from each other at the long cafeteria-style table at the football factory where they work in West Bunktown, Ohio. It's about a mile from the windshield wiper factory where Margo's husband Barry and his best friend, Bill, work, within Bunktown proper.

The din of the lacing and sewing equipment is somewhat muted in the 'worker's room'.

Margo: 'We have to work here all day, then on top of it ,Skunkville, our favorite little fiction blog and escape, has been all about football lately too!'

Peggy: 'You wouldn't believe the nightmares I have about footballs...'

Margo: 'Sure I would... Guys always think it's 'cool' that we work in this place, like we're outside throwing footballs back and forth all day to test them or somethin'... not in that huge room with all the roaring, whining equipment and ear protection on. I hate fxckin' footballs... When I let Barry put on a game, I have to leave the room so I don't see that damned football that the fans treat like some kind of religious relict... We get enough footballs durin' our six-day workweek!'
May 5, 2011  01:16 AM ET

Peggy: 'You sure do have to learn your own version of sign language in there!'

Margo: 'And do you hear the machinery even when you're home at night, like I do?'

Peggy: 'Why do you think Barry always complains that we have the TV up too loud?'

Margo: 'Well, enough of our woes... We can always relax by going to the famous Bunktown Miniature Tractor Races where everyone is else is holding their ears and where we can relax 'cause it's actually less noisy than work!'

Peggy: 'I hear the drivers of those things mostly weigh 120 pounds or less -- I wonder where they find enough skinny little guys like that? They don't let the farmers put their kids on 'em as drivers -- got to be 18 minimum.'

Margo: 'Maybe they're converted jockeys? I could care less about the famous Bunktown Miniature Tractor Races too...'

Peggy: 'I more concerned about Walt being in that Billy Goat retirement home, and then Edna turning into a floozy...'

Margo: 'Who cares?? It's just a story that some old knucklehead writes off the top of his head because he's out of work and hasn't been sent by his wife to the Billy Goat farm... yet. He better watch how many glasses of water he's drinking... Remember, that's how Edna figured Walt had lost it...'

Peggy: 'How do you know who writes it?'

Margo: 'Speculation...'

Peggy: 'Isn't that what caused the Stock Market Crash of '29 and the Great Depression?'

May 5, 2011  01:16 AM ET

Margo: 'So anyway, my dear adopted sister, whom they adopted since they thought they couldn't have kids, but found out differently shortly thereafter...'

Peggy: 'Here we go...'

Margo: 'Well, Barry's been talkin' you up regularly with Bill...'

Peggy: 'I sure wish you two would stop meddlin' with my personal affairs...'

Margo: 'What personal affairs? Your church meetings? Your job doin' babycare at church on Sundays and when they have other 'events'? Your visits to the Old Folks Home to 'look in on the people' and they're not even people you knew before they went in there?'

Peggy: 'I knew some of 'em from church... But I love doing those things! What's wrong with them?'

Margo: 'And do you want to still be doing 'em like when you're 80 years old? Do you want to be another character like Bertha Bagatelle in Skunkville, the lifetime charity knitter in her rocking chair, or 80 year old Dustin Moppe, the devoted janitor, revering his mop and bucket... Can you imagine what he must have felt when he saw what the Phony Sargon II had put into his beloved bucket?'

Peggy: 'See... now you're being like Walt that night in their shabby garage when -- out of his mind for some reason -- he demeaned Dustin just like you did... And now look where Walt ended up as a result of his increasingly odd behavior -- being kicked through the uprights of goalpost by a huge billy goat!'

Margo: 'You're talking like that story is real? C'mon girl... I challenge you to get a life!'

Peggy: 'It sounds like the real message is -- hurry up and move out so this can be Barry and my lovenest again!'

Margo: 'Love nest? Me and Barry? We're both dead tired when we come home from these jobs... And I love having you there -- you're like Brunette Jill to my Blonde Linda in the Skunkville Story! I don't ever want ya to leave. I just want ya to be happy!'

Peggy: 'And who says I'm not, Ms. ESP? Am I sad n' complaining all th' time?'

Margo: 'No, you keep it in you... so you don't burden us with it!'

Just then, Ward Freed, a muscular, swarthy young man deemed by most of the women and girls who work at the football factory to be 'a real hunk', approaches the table, with a strange mixture of swagger and shyness... 'Ah -- hi there, sister-girls! How's it hangin'? (Realizing the stupidity of that lead-in, his face reddens, and his voice shaking a bit, he turns his nervous, shifty look to Peggy and says:) 'Peggy, my frien', ah....ah, (gulp), would ya like to go wid me to the Midgit Tracter Racin' on Saturday night??'

May 5, 2011  03:26 PM ET

"Welcome everyone, I'm your Channel 97 game show announcer Bert Fartley, also Channel 97 Action News Senior Science Advisor, and also the man in the news who recently accidentally, and certainly regretfully beheaded Skunkville Arena Ring Announcer Kip Cramwell when underworld figures put rocket fuel rather than Putt-Putt Old Folks Go-Slow Scooter Fuel in my motorized elder chair as I was entering the ring to fight versus tonight's Quizmaster, Walter Q, Brown, in a Super-Seniors (85 years old +) Mixed Martial Arts match... Anyhow, welcome to tonight's edition of 'So You Would Like to Have Ten Dollars', Skunkville's most-watched and nerve-wracking game show! And, now, here's Skunkville's favorite question man, Walter Q. Brown...."

Smiling and waving to the audience amidst tumultuous applause, Walt comes bouncing down the aisle to the middle of the stage, a heightened circular area where he and the contestant will sit. Whoops, Walt just tripped as he tried to youthfully quick-step up the little set of steps to the platform.... and he tumbles assbackwards towards the first row of the crowd, farting on impact and cursing under his breath. An older lady in the front row cries: "Keep trying, sonny, I know you can make it if you keep tryin'!"

Red-faced when he finally reaches the platform and grabs the mike, the show must go on: "Hello, everyone, and welcome to 'So You Would Like to Have 10 Dollars!'. Is there perhaps anyone -- anyone at all -- in the audience tonight who would like to have an extra Ten-Spot for their wallet???"

The audience breaks out in a chaotic roar of people saying "Me!", "I want $10", "I need $10". "Please pick me Walt!!". "My mother is ill and needs some medical marijuana!!", "I'll even take $5 Walt!!", "How about $20 you **** cheapskates!??", "I need MONEY FAST!!", "If I don't get $10 tonight I'm a dead man!!", "Walt, I'm going to kick your **** good if I don't get picked!!", "Eat **** Walt!!". "**** $10 dxck!", "I love you Walt, give me $10 and we'll go out on a date and I'll do anything you want!!", "Why am I here with all these idiots??", "Why am I on this earth?", "I need $10!!", etc. etc.

Walt ascends the podium, the dramatic game show music begins and Walt roars, "Okay -- then it's time to play 'So you would like to have $10'!!!"

May 5, 2011  03:26 PM ET

The arena turns dark except for the spotlight on the podium where Walt is sitting in his old threadbare easy chair, complete with its Ovaltine stains and fart marks, from home, which he had to provide to the show tonight since they somehow lost the glamourous moderator chair in which he normally sits... and he notices tonight that the contestant seat is just a beat-up folding chair. What happened, is the show losing so much money they are having to sell off the furniture? Isn't it supposedly the highest ranking show in viewership in Skunkville except for "Live from Bumpkus Bar", a sort of really gross reality show with lots of actual true-to-life cursing, vicious fights, bar vomiting, dirty jokes, revolting slobbering, ****-squeezing bar romance, etc.

Edna, in a beautiful silver-sequined evening gown now says, in her earthy, sensuous, feminine, mature voice: "Our first contestant is none other than Wally Brown Jr., the young man who claims to be our long-lost son....Wally is currently living at the Skunkville Rescue Mission and would like to be President of the United States, or maybe just the Mayor of Skunkville when he ever grows up!"

"Come, Wally," Edna says, offering her arm, "let's see if you can earn ten quick dollars!"


Walt, relaxed in his easy chair, the Skunkville Daily Penetrator Sports Section on his lap, a steaming mug of nutritious, chocolatey Ovaltine at his side along with two of Edna's infamous chocolate, popcorn, jelly bean, and castor oil cookies -- Wally, sitting without any treats (until he reaches the 64 cent threshold, when he will receive a small paper cup of luke-warm Postum; and he will get the exact treats Walt has if he reaches the $2.50 plateau, including piping hot Ovaltine in a nice large mug replacing the tepid Postum in a thin paper cup) -- as I was saying until that parenthetical interruption, Wally sitting on the uncomfortable, bent beat-up folding chair that might collapse under a heavier person...

Walt, peering seriously into shy Wally's nervous eyes: "Sooooooooooooo.... are you ready to play 'So you would like to have $10??"

Wally, head bowed in fear: "Yeah -- I would like to buy a yoyo like I think I may have had when I was a kid -- so fire away, I'm ready, Pop..."

May 5, 2011  03:27 PM ET

Walt: "For 2 cents, Wally, what is the capital of this state in which we are located -- Ohio.... Is it

A. Skunkville

B. Columbus

C. Toronto

D. Antwerp

Let me repeat, Wally.... This area, in which your are sitting right now, is actually a state within the country called the United States of America... Each of the forty or fifty or whatever U.S. states have a capital, where the politicians do their dirtywork... What, then, is the capital of Ohio -- Skunkville, COLUMBUS, Toronto, or Antwerp --remembering that you have three lifelines:

1. Ask the audience to yell the answer to you all at once for you to try to decipher

2. 20 seconds to access the full set of the 1956 World Book Encyclopedia, sitting right next to your beat-up, disgraceful folding chair, for an answer

3. Ask my lovely wife Edna to whisper the answer to you, which will only be right half of the time

Wally: Can I stop the game right now and just keep what I've earned?

Walt: But Wally, you haven't earned anything yet.

Wally: Then my answer is B, Columbus, since I grew up there and when I grew up there it was the capital at that time...

Walt, looking crushed, saddened, concerned: Oh, gee, Wally... You said when you were there it was the capital?

Wally, , looking crushed, saddened, concerned: Yes, Dad... Did they move it to Toronto since then? I know that's a pretty big city, even if it is in Canada. That would make sense they might outsource the capitalship in this day and age...

Walt, looking even more crushed, saddened, concerned: Yes, Wally, yes, all the foreign outsourcing.... yes, ahem.... oh it's sad but true, I'm afraid, so much outsourcing now...... BUT COLUMBUS IS STILL THE CAPITAL OF OHIO!!!! You have won two cents -- and when we come back after a word from our sponsor, you can tell us if you want to try to DOUBLE YOUR DOUGH UP TO FOUR CENTS, Wally..."

Wally: "But, Dad, I already know the answer to that... I can't take the risk... I'm going to quit while I'm ahead...."

Walt: "I always have wondered about you and whether you're all there or not -- like saying you are our child when your own birth certificate says that you are the product of Harley and Ethel Figroot of Peepville, Ohio, near Columbus. All you have to lose is 2 cents, Wally! Look, I'll cover it if you get the next question wrong..."

Wally: "Thanks, Daddy for your fatherly advice, but I am basically very risk-averse... That's why I never cross the streets in town but find ways to go from one place to another without ever crossing a street.... It's hard, Dad.... Sometimes you even have to use tree limbs and ropes or even a catapult..."

Walt, reaching into his pocket which Wally can now see includes a fresh,crisp, grand prize ten-spot as he pulls out his dough: "It's your decision, son...

Walt: After searching through his shxtload of change for a while: "Might you have change for a nickel, Wally? If not, Edna and I'll make sure you get the prize money after the show -- I can get one of the production crew to break this nickel."

May 6, 2011  02:19 PM ET

Walt relaxes back in his own easy chair up on the special futuristic game show podium where contestants get a chance to earn a fresh, crisp $10 bill if they can consecutively answer ten questions of increasing difficulty. The game's first contestant, a mixed-up young man from the Skunkville area, answered the first, 2-cent question accurately ("What is the capital of Ohio?") only to decide to quit while he was ahead and not try to make it all the way up the ladder of difficulty to the $10 Grand Prize. Unfortunately, no one could quickly find two pennies for the youngster, so he left penniless -- but is going to walk the two miles from the Rescue Mission in downtown Skunkville to the suburban Channel 97 studio to pick up the two coppers tomorrow.

Walt, incidentally, is relaxing in his own easy chair from home because apparently the game podium furniture could not be found (hocked, perhaps?) and so he offered to bring in his comfortable recliner from home. To the embarrassment of the game's producers, the contestant has to sit on an old banged-up folding chair that has "Remember the Maine!" etched in ancient letters on its back. (Walt thinks: "Gee, I should have at least brought in one of our CrxpMart kitchen chairs for the guests'".)

May 6, 2011  02:19 PM ET

Now the audience is alive with excitement about the "So You Would Like to Have $10" show's shocking next guest...none other than Kip Cramwell, who everyone thought had been accidentally beheaded at the Saturday MMA show at the Skunkville Arena. Before a match (which alas never was to happen) in the popular 85+ year old Super-Senior Grudge Division, someone put NASA rocket fuel in the little Coot Scooter that Channel 97 Senior Science Advisor Bert Fartley was going to ride to the ring and even during the match in his battle with "So You Would Like to Have $10" host Walt Brown.

As a consequence of the switch to the world's most potent rocket fuel, when Bart climbed on to his scooter and gently touched the throttle, expecting to advance at maybe 1 or 2 MPH, instead the Scooter was literally launched and quickly reached a speed of 150-200 MPH by the time it reached the ring and accidentally beheaded popular long-time Ring Announcer Kip Cramwell, with the vehicle ever increasing in speed and even leaving a vapor trail and a flaming wake. Miraculously, the agile and scientific if arthritic Fargley (no one has ever really figured how to spell -- or smell, if it's Fartley -- his name, so usually a variety of spellings are used in any account to reflect the confusion about his monicker) rolled off the supersonic senior scooter just before it blasted through the huge glassfront of the Arena and launched itself towards outer space. It was last seen passing the moon by NASA scientists about an hour after the match was supposed to have begun, on a course that would eventually place it in Mars' gravitational field and therefore make it a satellite of Mars.

May 6, 2011  02:19 PM ET

But Cramwell, as you all know, lost his head in the accident, and while it was sewn back on by the always-ready Edna Brown, and his brains were shoved back into his cranium and then shut in by a zipper from an old pair of Walt's khaki slacks that Edna installed during the emergency surgery on Cramwell, he was said to have died while being attended to (in a very erotic way) by one of his many sleazy but often beautiful girl friends in the back seat of the police car.

Later, the story came out that Cramwell simply was no longer in the police car when the policeman reached the hospital, and when reporters asked about Cramwell, and the poilceman simply said, "He's gone..." this understandably led the writers to assume that meant he was dead, not that he had somehow slipped out of the police car with a couple of his 'bunnies' on the way to the ER.

Now Cramwell, with the zipper from Walt's khaki summer slacks (Editor: It says shorts above; please correct before release) still prominent in his scarred forehead (holding those brains in, which Edna and Bret had jammed back through the opening as best they could) as well as the amateurish suturing job done by Edna on Cramwell's neck, comes hobbling, on a beautiful silver cane, assisted by a gorgeous brunette show-girl type, towards the game podium and his chance to win $10 for being smart -- or clever.

Walt shambles off the podium in a friendly manner to also help Kip make it up onto the game set. Meanwhile, Show Announcer Bret Fagreley is chatting vigorously with Kip as the ex-Ring-Announcer slowly hobbles towards the center stage....

Bert, from the bottom of his heart, as he gently walks along,, his arm around Kip: "Honestly, Kip.... I feel so, so bad about what happened with me and my Coot Scooter... I can tell you as senior science advisor for Skunkville Channel 97 News, it was a harebrained idea for someone to do that and we're lucky the whole building didn't go up in flames... But even though I could not stop my Coot Scooter -- I feel horrible about being an agent in your horrendous injury!!!! Please find it in your heart to forgive me, Mr. Cramwell...Please, Mr. Cramwell... I don't have long to live, and my heart is very heavy with guilt about what I did to you purely by accident....." (Sincere sobs from Fratley)

Kip, slowly, head shaking involuntarily, turns towards Brad and says hoarsely, "I forgives you... I forgives you...And thanks youse and Ednas for savings my lice -- I mean my lifes... It mades me realize what its likes to be murderededed.... Mades me wish I hadn't snuffed out so many udders jest for my own selvish reasons...I ain't never gonna harm no one again."


Walt: "So, Mr. Kipley Cramwell, highly regarded and revered cheat, low-life, confidence man, corrupter of the wholesome and youthful, pillar of the community, mob-member, enforcer, hit-man, lover, and party -animal, are youse ready to play 'So's You Want to Have $10'?"

The dramatic game show music, hijacked from a similar game that pays out about 100,000 times as much for the grand prize, sends chills through the crowd and mesmerizes them.

TBC: Do you think something should happen so his head falls off again (e.g., that cheap folding metal chair collapses under him and he falls backward off the stage) or should we leave the poor fellow alone so he can recuperate and get his shady life back together?

May 7, 2011  05:45 PM ET

Kip C., Beheading Survivor $10 Richer?
Many Skunkville homes don't have TV's yet, so they are listening to Walt's game show on the radioKip, you know the accident has given you the cutest pug nose!This carburetor plays key role in the plot of tonight's eerie tale of the unknownOur old friend Walt Brown is hosting Skunkville Channel 97's highly-rated Friday night quiz show: "So You Would Like to Have $10?". His current contestant is the remarkable, heroic, recent survivor of a complete or "detached" beheading (as opposed to a partial beheading where the head is still a little attached to the rest of the body if only by a neck tendon or two), Skunkville Arena Ring Announcer and prominent and accomplished, respected underworld figure, Kip Cramwell. Some mob historians say the last name is not his birth name, but an alias based on his ability to cram an unusual large number of dead bodies in an automobile truck.

Walt: "Alright, Sir Cramalot, if you don't mind my little nickname..."

Kip, smiling: "No problem, already heard that many times!"

Walt: "Our first question is worth 2 cents if you get it right. A famous saying, perhaps a young man to his lady love, who may seem lost in thought, is "A (BLANK) for yer thoughts".

Kip quips: "Why a blank -- why not some real live ammo???"

Walt: "No, sorry, I'm confusing you -- the blank is a word or words that would be said as in -- I'll make up a silly example -- 'Oh. my darling, you seem so far away from me tonight -- 'a handful of peanuts' for your thoughts'"!

Kip: "Or how about 'Oh. my darling, you seem so far away from me tonight -- 'a punch in the mouth if you don't tell me what you're hiding from me..'"

May 7, 2011  05:45 PM ET

AUDIENCE BREAKS OUT IN LAUGHTER... (Reader, do not feel pressured to laugh yourself, though)

Walt: "Well, I'll give you a clue, we're talking about some kind of positive incentive , rather than a threat, Kip! So, I'm going to give you four possible ways of completing the sentence, and I want you to tell me which is the common expression. A famous saying, perhaps a young man to his lady love, who may seem lost in thought, is

"A FLOWER for yer thoughts".

"A CARBURETOR for yer thoughts."

"A PENNY for your thoughts."

"A CAT TURD for your thoughts."

"To review, when asking someone about what they're thinking is it most common to say a flower, a carburetor, a penny, or a cat turd for your thoughts?"

Kip: "A cat turd for your thoughts... What kind of crumb-bum would say that to his sweetheart??"

Audience breaks up in laughter.

Kip: "One question, Walt: is it a one barrel, two barrel, of four barrel carburetor to which you referred?"

Walt: "You'll have to decide... We'll be back after this word from the ' A Penny for Your Thoughts' Candy Shop at 323 Skunkville Boulevard...."


Walt: "Alright, Kip, you've had plenty of time to think... A famous saying, perhaps a young man to his lady love, who may seem lost in thought, is WHICH ONE OF THE FOLLOWING

"A FLOWER for yer thoughts".

"A CARBURETOR for yer thoughts."

"A PENNY for your thoughts."

"A BOWL OF SPAGHETTI for your thoughts."

Kip: "Hmmm.... I would swear the choices aren't quite the same, but I'll have to guess that it's a PENNY for your thoughts, since that would be by far the cheapest gift!"

Walt: "Kip, are TOTALLY SURE that the answer you want to give is a PENNY for your thoughts??"

Kip, whispering slyly as he leans toward Walt: "Oh -- you're trying to tip me that something's wrong with that answer, huh?"

Walt: "No not at all, that's what we always have to ask -- like some imitator shows to ours ask 'Is this your final answer'"

May 7, 2011  05:46 PM ET

Kip: "No, I get you loud and clear Walt, so I will say a 'Bowl of Spaghetti' for your thoughts..."

Walt, very flustered and upset about the confusion, turns offstage: "Production group, I don't even remember that as one of the four answers the first time we asked the question. Would you show the four answer choices one last time and make sure they are right?"

Off-stage person on a tinny mike reads off:

These are the choices -- there are no other choices...

A famous saying, perhaps a young man to his lady love, who may seem lost in thought, is WHICH ONE OF THE FOLLOWING

"A LEAF BLOWER for your thoughts".

"A 3-BARREL CARBURETOR for your thoughts."

"A PENNY for your thoughts."

"A BOWL OF CAT TURDS for your thoughts."

"A CUP OF FLOUR for your thoughts."

These have always been the four choices, completes the tinny offstage producer's voice.

Kip: "I am very confused now.... My memory just doesn't seem so good since the beheading and then reheading... but I know you were steering me away from the flower -- not the flour which I don't remember from before but the flower -- so I'm not going to say that for sure... I'll go with a 'BOWL OF CAT TURDS' I guess because it's the kind of thing I might personally say."

Walt: "But Kip -- wait -- are you Totally Sure -- I'm sorry if I've confused you..."

Kip: "Not only am I Totally Sure, but if I were on a different show I might say Final Answer."

The tinny voice of the production chief is heard again: "Kip, you are CORRECT for two cents.... Would you now like to risk both cents to try to reach the four cent plateau, where no one has ever been before?"

Kip, under his breath, to himself: "Man, this whole show really, really sucks. Sure, Tin-Man... But what about Walt -- isn't he the M.C..

Tin Voice: "Not any more: Walt Brown, you're fired. Please leave the premises immediately."

Walt, very flustered and upset about the situation: "But what about my easy chair and the fact that I've never received my paycheck, it's always been in the mail?"

Tin Voice: "We'll be glad to take you dilapidated eyesore of a chair off your hands as your payment for the work done... Staff, escort this rogue employee out of the building immediately!!

May 9, 2011  01:18 PM ET

Walt's Lost Easy Chair Repercussions

Picture Captions -- go to or simply google 'Skunkville Ohio' and go to Feb. 5th episode to see them in bold, majestic, living color!!

Honestly, Edna, this replacement easy chair is the most uncomfortable, wobbly thing -- I feel like I'm sitting on a toilet that may collapse at any time!!

Edna's face from the front

Edna's face from the side

The Episode Itself

Walt, uncomfortably sitting on a cheap metal folding chair that they had bought as part of a set for their canasta parties back in the early 1950's: "Edna, I can't believe they never paid me for being the Emcee on "So Would You Like to Have $10".... AND now are NOT returning my beloved easy chair that I loaned to the show production crew before last night's live program since they couldn't find the stage furniture... And the humiliation of being booted off the set while the program was in progress, in front of a live audience and a huge at-home viewership probably numbering in the hundreds if you count all the nursing home residents that love this kind of show. And it was all made worse by the Production Manager taunting me with insults, as I slowly walked off the stage, my head hung in shame, down the long aisle -- to the reassurances and nasty cat-calls of the crowd -- and out into the cold rain. They said they would mail me my CrxpMart parka, which I left there in my shock, tomorrow... But I'll probably never see that either..."

Edna, sitting on the couch, feeling sorry for Walt but also wanting him to 'buck up' and move on vigorously with his ostensibly purposeless life: "You really should hire a lawyer, put it into his or her hands, and then just move on... I'm sure they'll always take you back at the auto parts delivery place.... After all, you're a celebrity now -- they could call themselves Celebrity Auto Parts! And another thing, Walt -- why not sit over on the comfy couch with me? I'll make room for you and cuddle you and make you feel all better!"

Walt, his face becoming a little brighter: "Well Edna, you make some good points there... The problem with sitting on the couch is that it would mean such a huge change, for instance, you know I have lumbago in my neck, even though it's normally a lower back condition -- so my lumbago would be inflamed by turning to look at you all the time!"

May 9, 2011  01:18 PM ET

Edna: "Isn't that the same condition that Guy Lumbago had? The one whose Orchestra was called the ' Guy Lumbago and the Loyal Canadians'?"

Walt: "Precisely... and they were called the Loyal Canadians because his lumbago forced him to miss so many performances -- meaning less money not only for Guy but for his Loyal Canadians!"

Edna: "Yes, yes.... That band was one of my very favorites, with songs like 'Blue Roses for a Red-Faced Floozy', and "Auld Lane Sign" about a beatup old street marker on a little lane in Montreal, and "Tag Sales in the Sunset" -- all their great ones, the list goes on and on... Plus, because of his lumbago, you always were rooting for him and the band and wanting to support them even when they would put out a few clunkers..."

Walt: "But let's not get sidetracked on Guy Lumbago, even though he had a wonderful orchestra....

"Even if it were not for my rare neck lumbago, I am so used to looking at you pretty much face-on, rather than in profile. I find that to me you look totally different in profile -- so much so that when I see you that way, I think you're someone else. So, it would like being married to someone new..."

May 9, 2011  01:19 PM ET

Edna, her face lighting up: "Now that sounds kind of exciting and kinky! Plus, now if you see plenty of me in profile, you won't wander around looking for me so much when we're out shopping!"

Walt: "Well, I'm sorry to say that there are other issues as well. In my easy chair, when I look up from my reading, I look straight out the front window across our unkempt lawn to Maple Avenue and the nicer homes across the street. I like to just daydream sometimes, watching the cars go by and the people go by -- even when some of the wiseacre teens give me the finger as they pass by.... that's all part of life's parade..."

Edna: "And don't forget all the tied-up bodies dead and alive that have been thrown onto our front lawn by speeding vehicles -- usually at night... We seem to be some kind of popular place for those kinds of 'deliveries' -- even Bert Fartwell that one night that we can't remember because all three of us fell down our steep basement steps while dancing as a trio to wonderful Guy Lumbago and then catching amnesia as a result..."

Walt: "Yes, the couch's view of the living room wall is too mundane and lifeless for me.... So I guess the bottom line is that I stay here and suffer -- and adjust as best I can..."

Edna, brightening: "I have a brain storm, Walt! Let's buy a new easy chair for you!!"

Walt, shocked, turns towards her: "Thus abandoning any hope of retrieval of my beloved Admiral Rinkowner?"

Edna, puzzled: "Who's he and what's he got to do with it?"

Walt: "Well, he was the name I secretly game my easy chair -- it was just a special little thing between me and the easy chair, or the Admiral. Admiral Rinkowner invested in a lot of local skating rinks, and was known as the father of the Unclear Navy (I may be a little off there) and was also the famous U.S. Admiral who said something like 'Unless you can quickly point a finger at someone when something goes wrong, you don't really have a good escape hatch from blame...' or something like that -- I probably messed it up..."

TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN WE'LL HEAR WALT SAY: "Do you remember yesterday when I told you this metal chair reminds me of a toilet? Well, Edna, we need to get out the rug cleaner and a bucket of soapy water because, while I was just waking up from my 4th nap of the day..."


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Truth & Rumors


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  4. 4
    Farrell defends Fenway's 'sleep room'
  5. 5
    Youthful Red Wings are rattled

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