June 2, 2011, 11:34 PM
June 2, 2011  11:35 PM ET

Walt's Fan Letter From Albania
Walt Brown, Proprietor9/24/10

Walt's Fan Letter From Albania (edit, first posted in July 2010)

Walt Brown, Proprietor

Fan Letter from Albania

Why, Edna, just look at this letter we received this morning from Imer Fatbardh of Albania: "Walt Brown please keep up work good. Many of us blog follow, checking Forum Delphi every hour or two to see if post new. Then we meet at night, drink lot of mineral water and argue about which character best in Skunksville. I say Bugs Bunny, what you think Walt Brown?"

June 2, 2011  11:36 PM ET

EPISODE #2 9-26-2010

Walt's Woodstock-Like Gathering Begins
This is not Fiddles (edit, first posted around july 4th 2010)

Walt's Woodstock-L2ike Gathering Begins

Dog at left is not Fiddles, is opposite of Fiddles

The idea that led to Walt's disastrous 4th of July Woodstock-like gathering...

Well, Edna suggested we do something special for all you Skunkville Blog readers on this wonderful summer holiday.

She wanted me to invite you all over to Maple Avenue to have some nice, piping hot Ovaltine and we can all sit around in shade on our sunny front lawn and talk about whatever you like.

Just don't make any quick moves towards Fiddles (our ancient, mean little daschund's name, isn???t it, Edna?-- I'll have to look it up in my Rolodex???do I have a Rolodex, Edna??) or you may end up missing another finger.

And for the many of you who feel you have a million better things to do, and that spending time with us might be a ???fate worse than death???, to entice you we announce that I am going to do a dramatic reading of the entire Skunkville Saga, including all the future episodes dating up to April, 2011, which have been fully engraved in my mind but not written down yet.

The Beginning of the Party

Well, for the few of you who aren't over here on Maple Avenue at our impromptu holiday party, I've been handing out thick, stapled together copies of Skunkville Blog passages, current, past, and even future???The ambulance just left here with a nice, just slightly portly young fellow who sat down on one of our rusty pieces of lawn furniture bought back before the World War, right before our last July 4th party, and fell backward, smashing his head on our driveway. Good for him it's so hot, because the macadam was soft and he was smiling and waving (a little stupidly, but anyway...) as the ambulance pulled away. (Frankly, I think he fell backwards because he had had too many cups of our piping hot Ovaltine and thus was overcome by the 100-degree heat.)

But Edna said he was smiling because he was leaving our shindig, which she says I have made very boring and awkward by standing on the front step of our house and beginning to read, over a cheap loudspeaker, the complete saga of Skunkville ??? current, past and future episodes (plus a few lengthy improvised ones which I made up on the fly, stumbling and bumbling along as I tried to make them coherent, only making them less coherent and utterly stupid in the process???as those gathered here groaned in heart-rending agony)??? and speaking of flies, have you ever seen more of them gathered in one small place?

Well, the party has been getting crazier and crazier as more of you young folks and even some doddering older folks keep flooding onto our jam-packed lawn and somehow managing to gorp down those 32 oz. mugs of piping hot Ovaltine that Edna has cooked up in a giant 100-gallon vat in our back lawn, right next to our cesspool (sorry about the soggy ground out there, we have to call in the dynamite guy again to 'expand the capacity' of our septic tank). There's a big line of guys (supposedly a 1 to 2 hour wait, like when you fly) outside our tiny bathroom (as well as some smarter ones in the woods behind our house that backs up to the city dump) who may have just had too much (Ovaltine) to drink...

, past, present, and future

June 2, 2011  11:36 PM ET

The Holiday is still young, so stop by our ramshackle two bedroom rancher (the one with the large hole in the roof) on Maple Avenue and you can stay overnight while Edna, I, and Fiddles read through thousands of pages of stories like this lame entry.

More Complications Emerge

Hi again everybody!! I think most every one of you guys and dolls from the Delphi Forums has been here now, along with your buddies, parents, children, pets and so forth???. and we really appreciate you coming here to Maple Avenue for this Skunkville holiday extravaganza.

I???ll also add that I???m sorry about that one pot of piping hot Ovaltine that apparently was tainted with something. But I hear most of those fellows are out of the hospital now, and some, in their still delusionary state, are coming back over to continue listening to my impassioned readings from the many chapters of the Skunkville saga being made here by me on my impromptu front porch podium. Please pardon my impassioned, embarrassing tears or hysterical, hyena-like laughter when I reach especially poignant moments.

If only Diddles would stop yelping so loud every time I read a freaking word!! I have such a headache. Edna, would you please get me another blisteringly hot mug of Ovaltine?

Also, I???m very sorry about the amount of distortion on my hand-held loudspeaker, and that high-decibel screeching sound it sometimes makes when I raise my voice too much ??? or sometimes, it seems to do it for no consarned reason at all. Edna and her beautiful sisters of mercy from the Skunkville Ladies??? Auxiliary have been ministering to those of you who have a little bleeding from your ears. Plus, a steaming hot mug Ovaltine on this hot sunny day in our shady (but not shady enough: shade seats have been going for a tidy sum from what I hear) front lawn is just what the doctor ordered for almost any discomfort.

Edna is just baking a new batch of her special cookies and will soon be serving them, starting with those most in need first. Sorry again for all of the mud from last night???s cloudburst??? We may need to get some grass for our barren front lawn to kind of seal things down in the future.

Now as I was reading....

Lengthy excerpt from the thousands of pages of the Skunkville Saga

June 2, 2011  11:37 PM ET

Gunshots Ring Out as Walt Drones On
Porta-Potty Problems Mar EventGunshots Ring Out as Walt Drones On

Porta-Potty Problems Mar Event

Porta-Potty Problem

Edna insists that there are still a few of you message board and Delphi boys and girls who haven't yet made it to our Holiday Skunkville Festival, and she says she wants to see all of you!! So head right down to Maple Avenue (or is it Street, I'll have to check, might even be Birch now that I think about it) asap. I've noticed her taking walks in the woods out back with quite a few of you young men, just to chat -- she's such a sweet, friendly, loving person.

And the Porta-Potty that we added to the muddy rubble in our front lawn was her marvelous brainstorm...

But I am sorry how it slid down our muddy lawn into the street with a couple of you fellows "aboard". Ahoy, matey!!!

Well, at least the truck didn't run into it too hard, everyone survived, and Edna put some of those safety cones out there to keep the rest of the traffic from hitting the da*n thing while someone is trying to do their business out there in the dark.

Meanwhile, fueled by cup after steaming cup of piping hot Ovaltine, I am continuing my marathon 24/7 reading of all Skunkville episodes Past-Present-Future (via svelte multi-trillionaire Walker Black's svelte Time Machine), even cr*ppy out-takes that were never posted because they were so boring or st*pid.

I know there were a few shots fired at the house last night as my amplified voice droned on and on... 1 AM..... 2 AM...... 3 AM.... 4 AM... But it was just a couple of our friendly neighbors, who usually aim high and are usually firing away just to make a point, not to hurt anybody -- or at worst, to just wing them.

Agreed, they did shoot out the window right next to which I was orating, but the guy's aim just probably slipped for a second -- it has been da*ned hot & sweaty out here at times. Sometimes I wonder about Edna's insistence that the best way to cool off is with a scorching hot cup of Ovaltine. I do notice how she always pesters me to pay up the life insurance, and to have another helping of all the real rich and fatty stuff.

10 Walt Greets New Crowds

June 2, 2011  11:37 PM ET

Now I'm going to stop reading this detailed cr*p for a second to again greet any stragglers, hangers-on, ambulance-chasers, weirdos, or pickpockets who are just arriving at our endless day into night into day into night etc. soiree here on Maple Street.

If you can't figure what the **** is going on, I am doing my annual oration of the entire detailed past, present, and future history of Skunkville (the future included, it adds up to some 3,000,000 words)... Fueled by cup after steaming cup of piping hot Ovaltine, I am trying to read these thousands of pages of b******t 24/7 without sleep through this hand-held loudspeaker that Edna bought for me at CrxpMart.

Sorry for the screeching sound it makes for some reason every minute or two -- and my wife Edna and her Women's Aid society is continuing to minister to all of you who have bleeding ears from the shrill but harmless noise. (For some reason, it's much better if you're standing behind it like I am...)

11 Malaria Update

Also, we want to address the rumor that malaria has now broken out here from the hundreds and hundreds of you gathered in this small, sunny, broiling, muddy, over-populated area -- my eighth of an acre property plus the small woods out back that goes about 30' and abridges the city garbage dump.

And, of course, all my burnt-out old cars use up a fair amount of the outdoor "living space" within the 1/8th acre** -- but I notice some of you wise guests have started residing underneath them due to the blazing sun.

** The combination of the lot size, the plentiful dead cars, and the number of people he reports there indicates that at least one of these parameters must be incorrect, if not all

Hope there's no oil leaks, and we apologize if there are, but take no legal responsibility of course for any mishap of any type while you are here on our property (I have to ask Edna whether we ever caught up on those past-due homeowners' insurance payments)...

I would just like to say that Edna believes that she read one time that a piping hot cup of Ovaltine with a sprig of parsley is a terrific home cure for malaria, and she and the women's aid society are now passing more of this panacea out to you, as well as their chocolate chip with prune juice cookies.

For those of you who are too feeble now to move, we are bringing you some threadbare blankets along with small battery-powered hand fans from the dollar store where we do most of our shopping.

Again, we are also sorry about the Porta-Potty being levelled by that dumptruck that crushed it in the early morning fog. Fortunately, there were only two men "aboard" at that time and they are now at the City Hospital E.R. where I'm sure they'll see many more Skunkville fans with whom they can commiserate .

So, enough with the small talk, its time for me to turn the output knob up to max and continue my devoted oration of the Skunkville Saga

June 2, 2011  11:38 PM ET

Edna Brown's Historic Speech
Edna Restores Sanity to Gathering12 Edna's Historic Speech

Hello--ello--llo--lo--o, everyone out in the vast gathering here--ere-re-e as well as those who are with us via their home PC's. This is Edna Brown, Walt Brown's better half!!

When the various relief agencies and law and military forces descended on us a few hours ago to end what they considered to be an illegal and dangerous and perhaps subversive gathering, they were touched by the good and accomodating nature of most of you young fellows and the inherent decency of our mission here, so as you know they have transported us via their huge new troop carriers (loaned by the Skunkville Independent Military Base) to the Skunkville, Ohio Veteran's Memorial Park so we can continue our "business" in a much safer and more orderly way -- rather than on our postage-stamp-sized, burnt-out-car-infested, muddy, totally trashed, dangerously unhygienic front lawn next to that dangerous four lane 50-mile-an-hour highway.

As you have probably heard, there were at least two accidents involving large trucks colliding with our Porta-Potty while it was occupied, and our hopes and our prayers go out for those Skunkville fans who were injured at a most embarassing moment....

June 2, 2011  11:38 PM ET

By your raised lighters risen in the night, I would estimate that there are now no less than ten thousand Skunkville followers and other assorted riff-raff out there in front of me, with the size of the crowd magically growing by the minute. And using the state of the art Skunkville Municipal sound system we will probably have many fewer cases of hemorrhaging ear-drums than before.

Given the extreme heat, I hope you boys won't mind the rather skimpy "sun suit" that I am wearing, to keep me cool while I continue the patriotic, poetic recitation of the entire story of Skunkville, past, present future (all Walt has written and also somehow we are also reading all of the things he will eventually write -- isn't it miraculous??) a celebration of Small Town, America -- as well as the little folks like me and hubby Walt and our dog Fiddles and all of you handsome, charming young fellows and gals out there who make up this fine country of Skunkville Saga fans.

I am glad to say that Walt is now out of danger and has been moved from the hospital, where he was being treated for extreme exhaustion and over-hydration (from those steaming hot cups of Ovaltine he was drinking at an abusive rate), over to the jail, where he has been charged with 113 counts of disturbing the peace as well as some more serious felonies, such as having the Ovaltine heating vat right next to our defective cesspool.

The Women's Auxiliary is on hand, providing aid to one and all as well as safely prepared piping hot Ovaltine to enjoy on this balmy summer night, and mountains more of our special chocolate chip and prune juice cookies too. (The pristine restroom facilities are about two hundred yards over towards the lake, down the Historic Skunkville Memorial Trail.)

The following is a small excerpt of what Edna is now reverently reading regarding the construction of Skunkville's Water Treatment Facility back in 1917 through the thousands of followers listen quietly, sipping their Ovaltine and enjoying the beautiful 4th of July evening here in Skunkville...

Frank Simmons, World & National News (W&NN)

June 2, 2011  11:39 PM ET

Walt Watch Out! Here Comes the Judge
Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis13 Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis

Hello, everyone. My name is Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis and I am here to clean up and clean out the terribly flawed and excessive Skunkville Saga organization. My picture, if it is isn't yet visible on the left, soon will appear and forever replace that egotistical, nutty sea captain's as a sign that this organization is receiving a radical and long-needed overhaul.

Even my photo expresses my seriousness, feverish dedication, anxiety concerning the current state of affairs, and lack of tolerance for wind-bags and humor of any sort.

From now on, the Skunkville Saga will return to its original, humorless, straight-facts, stoic, hard-core heritage, as we root out all the 'entertainment value' that Walt Brown and his cronies were trying to add in order to inflate viewership of the Skunkville blog and threads and therefore his own unquenchable ego. Here's the kind of material we're visualizing for the saga, which is in sharp contrast to that which that numbskull Walt Brown has been writing:

'In 1923, Homer Peabody opened the first gasoline station in town. It was located on the corner of Skunkville Avenue and Fernsap Lane in the section of Skunkville known then as Skunkville Heights. The elevation of the intersection where his gasoline station was built is in fact 837 feet above sea level compared to the 811 feet elevation at City Hall, a difference of 26 feet. This compares to the 774 foot elevation above sea level at the intersection of Maple Avenue and Birchbottom Street, known as the center of what is commonly called Skunkville Bottoms.

'On Saturday July 13, 1926, Homer Peabody Jr., a lad then of 11 years of time upon this earth, son of Homer Peabody Sr. who opened the first gasoline station in town in 1923, rolled a yellow and brown marble from the intersection of Skunkville Avenue and Fernsap Lane where his Dad's gasoline station was located in the section of Skunkville known then as Skunkville Heights all the way down to the intersection of Maple Avenue and Birchbottom Street, known as the center of what is commonly called Skunkville Bottoms. He reported that it took six hours and fourteen minutes and three seconds to do this, and was also sad to report that when he reached the the intersection of Maple Avenue and Birchbottom Street, known as the center of what is commonly called Skunkville Bottoms, the marble, chipped from its long journey, and erratic in its rolling properties, happened to roll down a storm drain and was never seen again, at least by Homer Peabody Sr. or Jr. Homer Peabody Jr. When Homer Peabody Jr. completed his long walk back up to Skunkville Heights and his family home which was located on the corner of Skunkville Avenue and Fernsap Lane in the section of Skunkville known then as Skunkville Heights, next to his father's new gasoline station, he reported what had happened, he was sent to bed without dinner for losing the yellow and brown marble, which was a family heirloom -- one of thousands of marbles in Homer Peabody Sr.'s marble collection....

June 2, 2011  11:39 PM ET

We expect a radical drop-off in interest in Skunkville as a result of this neutral, factual, non-titillating content and will welcome that, as we go back to our original format that attracted (across all blogs and threads) an average three views a week, mainly by one elderly man who had recently escaped from the Skunkville Old Age Home and Sweatshop -- rather than the thousands of views per week that the Skunkville Saga has achieved at times under the entertainment-oriented mismanagement of Walt Brown.

When this transition is completed, I will step back and put a new person in charge of this Skunkville tale -- one who has the humble, austere values that I have re-established.

Yours truly,

Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis

14 Key Objective: "Clean up"/"Purify" the Skunkville Saga Operation

Thank you very much for your interest in this grave situation.

If you read some of the earlier posts you may have learned that irresponsible Walt Brown was jailed on several charges after his highly amplified 4th of July holiday attempted reading of the entire 5,000,000 word Skunkville "opus" outside his modest Maple Street created havoc in Skunkville, Ohio. Brown is presently still detained to the best of my knowledge. He claimed to be reading all of the ultimate content of the Saga -- what had already been written, what was being written now, and all that might be written in the future, including the disclosure of the details of the end of life on earth that occurs around Page 11,472.

His multi-day, non-stop, Woodstock-like "event" attracted quite a throng, some drinking huge amounts of piping hot Ovaltine, many eating chocolate chip and prune juice cookies in the back woods with his saucy wife Edna, some angry with loaded guns, and others who were in a Porta-Potty that was slammed into by a dump truck, just to give you a few of the disgusting and reprehensible details.

While Brown is indisposed, it is my noble agenda to wrest control of the Skunkville Saga from his irresponsible hands and return to straight, factual reportage of past, current, and future events as exemplified by the homey article about the Homer Peabody Jr. marble-rolling adventure in 1926, and the punishment he received from Homer Peabody Sr. for rolling a collectable marble from his heirloom collection for more than six hours all the way from Skunkville Heights to Skunkville Bottoms, and uiltimately, if only accidentally, down a storm drain.

June 2, 2011  11:39 PM ET

I'm sure you and your friends at the message boards would agree with this strategy. Just look into my calm, responsible visage in my picture that accompanies this reply and understand my desire to make this whole Skunkville Saga project serious, not a sideshow.

Yours truly,

Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis, Esq.

15 Key Objective: Removal of Entertainment Value of Skunkville Saga

Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis here, and to clarify, I am not the Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis who cleaned up baseball after the 1919 Black Sox World Series.

I want to clarify some of my plans to destroy -- no, I don't mean that -- to refine is a better word -- so, my plans to des-- refine the Skunkville Saga now I have taken charge of it due to Walt Brown's imprisonment (perhaps for life) as a result of the tragic**, out-of-control Skunkville Saga 4th of July 'orgy' or 'devil's duty' or Woodstock-like "gathering".

** Although admittedly (and unfortunately from my Puritanical standpoint) no one was seriously harmed

My new austerity plan for EOBHR:

1. Severely reduce the number and the interest level of posts.

2. Jealously keep most of the new material within the Skunkville blogsite, while we continue to find ways to

a. Make that information even less interesting and entertaining than it is now -- a truly daunting challenge

b. Make the blogsite even more confusing to navigate, so even if there is a bit of entertaining material left in it, only the very fortunate (or unfortunate, the stuff is so bad) will be able to find it.

As was once said in a great movie with O.J. Simpson, "Now we have the POWER -- the REAL POWER!!!!!!"

I don't know what made me say that.

Well, good day one and all!

Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis

16 EOBHR Tougher, More Fascinating Circuit than Real-World MLB

Hello, Baseball Fans. This is Judge Camisole Mountain Jim Landis, the strict, cold new Commissioner of the Skunkville Saga. Please look at my picture closely and see that I in many ways I am the opposite of that foolish old supposed "sea captain", Walt Brown.

This is the first of our new releases for your message board. Note that we have not yet had time to purge this one of all of the old regime's pointless silliness and tom-foolery, but some of it has been removed and more will be for the archival storage for future generations of serious small-Ohio-town-boring-factual-saga fans.

June 19, 2011  11:00 AM ET





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