MLB  > General MLB  > ENTIRETY OF BASEBALL HISTORY REPLAYED'S SKUNKVILLE BECOMES LONGEST NOVEL EVER PUBLISHED IN ENGLISH
October 17, 2012, 04:45 PM
Here's the record-breaking episode (the whole thing can be found by visiting Delphi Forums or googling 'Skunkville Ohio') or vis this link; it is a week or two away from hitting the 1,000,000 word mark
http://blogs.delphiforums.com/skunkville
Thanks to all of you CNN/SI followers' terrific support over the years, and continue to check out the more hardcore baseball ENTIRETY OF BASEBALL HISTORY REPLAYED THREAD

Oct-16
SINKING FEELING

PICTURE CAPTIONS

1 Chief Weenipoo test pattern shown from Midnight to 6 AM on The 'New Partly Cloudy 97' Skunkville TV station

2 Continents sinking beneath sea due to increase in weight and waist diameter of humans


EPISODE
Chief Weenipoo: 'Walt-em... Sorry to pester you-em while you're steering the ship, but did you-em ever hear-um about novel called Skunkville that is considered by some of who have read parts of it the longest and also the worst novel ever written and published in English?'

Captain Walt: 'Chief, I've got a lot on my mind nowadays.... I've got no time for trivia questions. The passengers are beginning to become restless.....They want us to land somewhere so they can find their land legs...'

Chief ponders, the furrows deep in his brown brow: 'Hmmmmmmmm. Perhaps passenger know of what they talk-um. Even Chief have 'red ant in pant' some of time lately...'

Walt: 'Well, you're probably right. I'm just hoping that if we land somewhere to stretch our land legs, no one realizes that we are strangers to this dimensional rift -- perhaps imprison us as illegal, extradimensional aliens... Throw us in prison, where we rot away in a place that doesn't even really exist when you look at it from normal Earth's standpoint.... It just seems like a lonely, barren way to die....Maybe the heaven for this dimensional rift will just be a whole boatload of strangers... I won't get to see the nice old cafeteria lady, Winnie Baker, who used to always give an extra cupcake to the fat kids like me. That kind of generousness would probably just get her thrown in jail nowadays, by the PTA and the U.S.D.A., as contributing to the national obesity crisis. Why, one team of government scientists is claiming that if the average person on earth gains just five more pounds, all the major continents are going to sink beneath the sea.... I think they believe it's going to happen, based on current projections, on the 21st day of the year 2121, but possibly sooner... Or maybe later, they're only sure it's going to happen soon...'
October 17, 2012  04:45 PM ET

Chief, massaging his tanned round chin with his large right hand. 'Hmmmmmm. Believe Indian also have fable about that same thing-um. Maybe scientists stole original idea from Native American?'

Walt: 'I wouldn't be at all surprised at that. We've ripped you guys off pretty badly... and Chief, if we're all about to go, I just want you to know that has always bothered me, and also that you have been the best-um friend-em I ever had-im...'

They hug and shed a tear....feeling that the end is near.

Chief, brightening a bit: 'But, if on sea, maybe survive-um?'

Walt, shakes his head resolutely, 'No... They're sure about this whole thing. They say when the Earth sinks, all the boats out on the seas will sink at the same time...'

Chief: 'Hold it-um, Walt my friend....That make-um no sense. You mean we will suddenly become too heavy for the boat-em?'

Walt: 'No, the seas will rise from the simultaneous sinking of all the continents at a rate that will create a tidal wave 1,000 feet tall. Chief, this is a great ship that Handsome Bob Hansom, formerly of Handsome Bob Hansom's Handsome Bob Hansom Handsome Auto Parts and Service built for us.... But no ship can compete with a 1,000 feet tidal wave.'

Chief, walking over to the railing, looking down at the churning seawater of the Intercontinental Ocean, as the powerful sea cruiser cuts through it like butter through a knife...

Walt, alarmed, when he sees where the Chief is headed in his upset state.... 'Handsome Bob... Wakeup... Wakeup!!'

October 17, 2012  04:46 PM ET

Handsome Bob keeps snoring. But Archie the homeless guy happens by Walt just at this minute: 'Hey, you dxckhead! Are you lookin' for someone to steer this fxckin bucket of bolts whiles you consolo mio the Injun man??'

Walt would never normally let anyone but himself or Bob pilot the ship, but....'Just keep the steering wheel pointed right where it is now. See down here? This here is the brake peddle.... and this is the clutch....but you shouldn't need that, so forget I told you that... The turn signals are on the steering wheel, as normal....'

'Aye, aye, cap'n!!' Archie says, beaming, taking over the captain's role with great pride and satisfaction.

Walt turns back to where the Chief is.... but he's -- he's - he's -he's go-go-go-gon-gone!!!

'Over here, Walt-um,' the Chief says in his deep, rich, baritone voice. 'Over here, by the rack with all the deepsea fishing gear-em...'

'OTG!!' Walt cries....Hurrying over, around the passenger viewing bridge, to the side of the boat where the rack with all the deepsea fishing gear-em is...'

But when he gets there, no Chief-um. Plus, he is beginning to become seasick -- something that almost never happens to Walt, from the erratic way that homeless man Archie is steering the ship first left, and then sharply right, and then sharply left, and then right -- and then right again!! What is he doing????

Walt: 'Chief: Where are you, for gosh sakes?'

Chief, his voice muffled: 'Over here, Cap'n, inside passenger viewing bridge-um ... The way Arch-em steers ship, Chief needed to sit down, put head between leg.'

Walt: 'Good idear, Chief.... I comin' to join yuz.... Assuming I don't have to stop and get sick-em along the way...'

Walt staggers into the enclosed passenger viewing bridge... The name is somewhat misleading....It is NOT the passenger scenic bridge, which is just aft of it. Rather, the passenger viewing bridge is a place where the captain can view what is happening via hidden cameras in every portion of the ship. The crew calls it the 'passenger viewing bridge' because when off duty, they like to practice surveillance on the rooms which contain attractive female passengers....

 
October 17, 2012  04:46 PM ET

Chief-um, his eyes shut: 'Walt-em, Chief must keep-em eyes closed because of things not right for chief to see going on in rooms....'

Walt, keeping his eyes open once he's sure Chief's are shut: 'Yes, I know just what you mean, Chief. There are certain private things that you and I aren't meant to see...'

His stomach in his throat, Captain Walt woozilly notes that Handsome Bob has been awakened by Archie's 'wild steering' of the boat, and is now coming to 'relieve him from duty'. He notes when he glances at the passenger viewing display that practically all of the passengers are in the midst of being ill.

Walt shakes his head in disbelief. This whole excursion into the dimensional rift has turned into a nightmare... He should have paid closer attention to the omens when the ship departed on the voyage... The stormy sky opening above the ship at the dock, a sickly opalescent oval that began disbursing tremendously powerful bolts of lightning.... One striking a nearby ship that was twice the size of theirs, and blowing it to splintereens.... Then, worse yet, the lightning striking and hitting the huge, hundred foot tall concrete dinosaur that helped attract paying visitors to the Pinch & Putt Miniature Golf Course for Lovers Only... Yes, hitting the dinosaur a number of times, including a bolt that bounced off the obstacle on the 18th hole and hit the huge monster right in his anxs!! This was the final straw, and the dinosaur came to life -- saw Walt's ocean cruiser at the dock, ready to embark on its journey, and immediately and mistakenly assumed that it was the source of the embarrassing and extremely painful jolt.

The concrete dinosaur therefore made its charge, running like a house afire. Well, perhaps that's not the best simile, but you get the idea, maybe.

But young. athletic, hunky, not-real-smart-but-practical Handsome Bob rushed to get everyone situated and then rushed back to the control bridge and had the cruiser shooting out of the dock towards the heart of the Intercontinental Ocean just in time... as the Dinosaur stood there in several feet of water, shaking its huge head and shaking its clawed fist.

Walt opens his eyes to find himself alone in the passenger viewing bridge....Hey what's that going on on Berth 23A....All that naked...He shuts off the passenger room displays and curses himself for even glancing: 'Chief: Where are you, for gosh sakes?'

'Over here, Walt-um,' the Chief says in his deep, rich, baritone voice. 'Over here, by the rack with all the miniature golf equipment, for the on-board miniature golf course...'

Handsome Bob as he steers the boat on a course designed to avoid the bouncing and twisting that has made practically everyone on board sick: 'He just moved again, Walt, he's back over by the rack with all the deepsea fishing gear-em where he was before... But why don't you come and relieve me, Boss, at the wheel, so I can go check on the welfare of all our passengers, especially the young ladies, who usually have the most squeamish stomachs...'

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