We promise no puns about South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier picking a QB named Smelley:
• Bengals WR Chad Johnson has legally changed his name to "Ocho Cinco." The number, of course, represents his IQ.
• OK, that's not fair. It actually represents the flashy receiver's uniform number. Remember, Johnson's been asking for a trade all year. He figures that by adding a little Hispanic flair, he's a perfect fit in for the NFL team in L.A.
• Both Stephen Drew and Adrian Beltré hit for the cycle yesterday, the first time in nearly 88 years that the feat was achieved twice on the same day. Statisticians calculated the odds as the rough equivalent of a female, one-term Alaskan governor becoming vice president.
• Decathlon gold medalist Bryan Clay says that swimming superstar Michael Phelps isn't versatile enough to be considered the world's best athlete. Phelps said he didn't hear Clay's comments, because his ears were stuffed with 14 gold medals.
• Alabama and second-year coach Nick Saban looked terrific in smoking No. 9 Clemson 34-10 in the season opener for both teams Saturday. Wow, that win's going to look mighty nice on Saban's résumé for his next job hunt.
• Roger Clemens' son, minor league baseball player Koby, was charged with disorderly conduct in southern Virginia over the weekend after a scuffle at a restaurant. The younger Clemens apparently suffered a blackened third eye.