The LPGA has faced loads of controversy since revealing this week that it intends to make all its members pass an oral exam in English or face suspension from the tour. Its stated reason is that it wants its many international members, including a large influx of South Koreans, to be able to interact with pro-am partners and deal with English-speaking media.
We'll leave the debate as to whether or not this is a good idea to those who know what they're talking about. (Sadly, that eliminates me.) Rather, we'll use the situation as an excuse to uncork cheap gags. It's important to play to one's strengths, as insignificant as they might be.
Here are some signs that you might not pass your LPGA exam on spoken English:
10. You actually understand Ozzie Guillen
9. You went to that decertified public school in Georgia
8. Limited to "dirty talk" picked up from David Duchovny
7. Studied English in L.A., where it's pronounced "Spanish"
6. You can't open your mouth because it's jammed with bacon
5. Learned English by watching President Bush speak
4. You can only count up to a nine-iron
3. Figured it made more sense to learn Chinese since they're taking over the world anyway
2. You're the lone child left behind
1. You only know how to speak Amurricun, dammit!