Faux fireworks and lip-synching pre-teens were just the tip of what used to be known as the iceberg before China's reckless burning of fossil fuels melted the Arctic Circle. The 10 Spot has exclusively learned that the entirety of the Beijing Olympics were actually faked on a giant soundstage in Shanghai.
"And it wasn't even that hard," said a top Chinese official, speaking on condition of anonymity lest he be drawn, quartered and served with a port reduction sauce. "It's amazing what you can do with holograms these days. It makes the Americans' faked moon landing look like that idiotic Bigfoot hoax."
The Chinese did intend to stage the Games legitimately in Beijing, but environmental conditions in the heavily industrial city made that untenable. The low point came when the entire field in an Olympic tune-up marathon in 2006 disappeared into the acrid smog and was never seen again.
"Fortunately we stocked the trial race with work-camp prisoners," said the Chinese official. "We thought about using actual world-class runners from our sports camps, but that was vetoed at the last second. Good thing, too, because we only have a few million top athletes plucked from their homes at age 3."
Once the decision was made to fake the Games, the Chinese Communist party spared no expense. It even cut into the Chinese program to literally own the United States by 2013 by purchasing all outstanding U.S. Treasury bonds; now that won't happen until 2014.
Still, such a massive undertaking tested even the legendary Chinese ability to control the media. While the athletes were shuffled off to a secret location and kept drugged to the gills for their time in China, Communist officials used a lighter touch with the press.
Sportswriters, it turned out, went quietly. All it took to buy their complicity was three (free) squares a day and tickets to the fake beach volleyball matches.
NBC, though, didn't even need such incentives.
"Those guys are more devious than even we are," said the Chinese official with a laugh. "NBC's been working so hard for so long to pretend things are live and otherwise fool the public that they were teaching us things about deception that we hadn't even dreamed of. That's why we'll let them live."
In order to make the deception more believable, the Chinese were careful to portray themselves in as positive a light as possible without going too far over the top. That's why the Chinese won the gold medal count convincingly but the U.S. was allowed to maintain the lead in overall medals.
Chinese's NBC lackeys were also given the gift of Michael Phelps' eight gold medals in order to keep the massive network rights fees flowing. Still, the wipeout of the U.S. track team (no sprint golds and dropped batons in both 4x100 relays) and the U.S. softball holograms settling for silver kept the Capitalist Dogs from beating their chest too much.
"The softball was a stroke of genius," said the official. "Come on, nobody else in the world even plays softball. The Japanese couldn't beat the U.S. if every American pitcher threw underhand."
Despite our inside Chinese source that has revealed this massive cover-up, however, the International Olympic Committee has denied the report.
"The Chinese have assured us these Games were legitimate," said an eerily lifelike IOC chief Jacques Rogge. "That's good enough for me. The Chinese government has a long history of openness, honesty and fair play. Would you like a Belgian chocolate? It will make you forget all about this nasty rumor."
(Editor's Note: OK, this is made-up. Or is it?)