Notorious NHL pest Sean Avery has been suspended indefinitely by the league for using a crude term about his former girlfriends. Here’s what the Stars forward said on-camera yesterday after a morning skate in Calgary:

“I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.”

Calgary’s Dion Phaneuf, you might recall, is dating Avery’s ex Elisha Cuthbert. Phaneuf wasn’t too pleased with Avery’s comments, and neither was NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.

Of course, there are two sides to every story. Here are some of Avery’s excuses for making such (allegedly) ill-advised comments:

10. Inhaled noxious fumes from his nail polish

9. Come on, it’s not like he hid a loaded gun down his sweatpants

8. Still angry about ludicrous 24 plotline of Kim getting stuck in a bear trap while fleeing Johnny Drama

7. Patterned catty style after his former boss, Vogue’s Anna Wintour

6. Assumed nobody would notice since he plays hockey

5. Meant to say “sloppy joes,” and who doesn’t love ground beef drowned in some sort of tomato-based sauce on a hamburger bun, am I right people?

4. Nobody suspended Imus for his sexist comments -- wait, what?

3. Life has no purpose since absence of Martin Brodeur

2. Wasn’t he hired to be an instigator?

1. He’s learned his lesson -- next time he’ll just punch the guy in the face