HEAVEN, I MEAN, NORTHPORT, Ala. -- Someday, if I have a son, I will make sure he knows a few important things.
1) Never shave against the grain.
2) A dozen roses won't solve everything, but it's a good start.
3) The only acceptable side dish with pork spare ribs is white bread.
Alabama and Ole Miss players prepared for today's game at Bryant-Denny Stadium by getting taped and stretching. I prepared to cover the game by scarfing down a slab of Archibald's ribs. If you're a fellow football foodie, then you know Archibald's is half the reason I ranked Greater Tuscaloosa as the nation's top college football culinary destination. Tucked away in a quiet neighborhood, Archibald's serves perfectly charred ribs with a spicy sauce so thin, that, had I not been working, I would have combined with an ounce of rum to create a shot called the Rammer Jammer Yellowhammer. Hopefully, the venerable Dreamland Barbecue, the other contributor to the No. 1 ranking, will still be open when I finish writing tonight. Fortunately, the emergency room stays open all night, so the angioplasty won't be an issue.
Tonight could get very interesting in T-Town because of two potential scenarios. In scenario No. 1, second-ranked Alabama beats Ole Miss and top-ranked Texas loses to Missouri. This would result in a massive spike in alcohol consumption, the tossing of several thousand houndstooth hats into the air and Alabama's ascension to No. 1 in the polls during the season for the first time since 1980. In case you're scoring at home, Bear Bryant didn't retire until after the 1982 season. In scenario No. 2, Alabama loses to Ole Miss -- most likely in one of those patented Houston Nutt seven-overtime classics -- resulting in a massive spike in alcohol consumption, the tossing of several thousand houndstooth hats to the ground and a guaranteed loss for the Rebels when Nutt returns to Arkansas next week.