"It's a major award!"
-- Mr. Parker (Darren McGavin), A Christmas Story
We're inundated with college football awards. There's the Heisman, the Biletnikoff, the Jim Thorpe, the Maxwell, the Richard McNutt … OK, I just made that one up. But the point is, there's an award for everything. Well, almost everything. That's where the Tenth Power comes in. Welcome to The Tenthies, where all winners receive their very own version of Mr. Parker's leg lamp. (Remember, every lamp is shipped in a box that's clearly marked "FRAGILE.")
1. Manscara Award (best makeup): Brandon Carter, Texas Tech
"Mankind" (as his teammates call him) creates an intimidating game face with a commitment to makeup that puts Boy George to shame. Oh, and for the record, Carter actually uses eye liner.
2. Christopher "Kid" Reid Award (seriously bad hair day): Jourdan Brooks, Rutgers
While breaking away for a would-be 90-yard touchdown, Brooks came tumbling down, thanks to Louisville's Travis Norton, who tackled Brooks by the dreadlocks. The grab even left a piece of hair on the field.
3. Rob Schneider Award (best cameo): Will Ferrell
When a USC staffer plummets off the filming deck during practice and Trojans players stand there, stunned, it's good to have Captain Compete (Ferrell) on hand to come to the rescue -- in a Speedo and a muscled Iron Man shirt, no less. Only in L.A.
4. Family Drama Award (best in-team violence): Cory Holt, Virginia Tech
Frank Beamer is no Glass Joe. The Hokies coach took an inadvertent punch from Holt during the ACC title game and kept his balance and his cool. Call up Dana White, I think Beamer could have a second career.
5. George Michael Award (most unusual use of a public bathroom): Two Iowa fans
These Hawkeyes were cited for having sex in the bathroom during the Iowa-Minnesota game. Police released the man (26) to his girlfriend and the woman (38) to her husband. It only reinforces my long-held belief that the Metrodome is for lovers.
6. Reveling A Little Too Much In Your Rival's Misfortunes Award: Michigan State
A group of Spartans fans wasted no time ripping Michigan after their 35-21 win over the Wolverines, unveiling eight images on a digital billboard. My favorite? Holy Toledo! Bye Bye Bowl Streak.
7. For God's Sake, Put Some Clothes On Award: Idaho
A group of Vandals fans felt the cheerleaders' new uniforms were a little too risqué. If you're curious, here's what all the fuss was about. Fans instead pushed for a more traditional Idaho look.
8. Coaches Say The Darndest Things Award (best quote): Ralph Friedgen, Maryland
It's not new that the man's a little large. I mean, his nickname is Fridge. Indeed, it's his epic waistline that made his comment about Boston College's defensive line pure gold. "Their two defensive tackles put together weigh 700 pounds," he said. "[Ron] Brace is 324. B.J. Raji, if he is 323, then I am 180."
9. Carrot Top Award (best use of a prop): Texas Tech bell ringer
We've seen this act before, but this latest ringer brings an entirely new energy to the proceedings and actually appears to be in on the joke. Does that make it any less funny? Nah, didn't think so.
10. I'm The Dude Playing The Dude Disguised As Another Dude Award (best costume): Justin Boren, Ohio State
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so Boren's decision to dress as Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez for Halloween may not be quite so earth-shattering. A former Wolverine, Boren transferred to Ohio State during the spring, saying the program's "family values have eroded" under Rich-Rod. Does anyone else think he spent the night trying to explain to Buckeyes fans why he was wearing Michigan colors?
"It's a major award!"