in Alabama's face.
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UCLA's marketing department has bought ads in The Fresno Bee and on Fresno radio stations urging Fresno State fans to come to the Rose Bowl on Saturday to cheer on the Bulldogs against the Bruins. Yes, you read that correctly. UCLA is paying so Fresno State fans will come to a UCLA home game and root against UCLA.
Here are the first few lines of the radio ad, transcribed by The Los Angeles Daily News: "Bulldog fans. Don't miss your chance to see history. The Bulldogs are ranked in the Top 25 and heading south this weekend looking for their first-ever win at the Rose Bowl against the Bruins of UCLA."
Never mind the fact that the phrase "first-ever" is redundant -- if it's the first, it's also the first ever -- this is further proof positive that the Pac-10 doesn't hold a candle to the SEC. This would never, ever happen in the SEC. Even if every LSU season-ticket holder came down with a case of food poisoning from a massively bad batch of crawfish etouffee a few days before the Alabama game, the Tigers marketing department would not, under any circumstances, buy ad time on Tuscaloosa and Birmingham radio stations. And if any SEC team had to stoop to such a tactic, it most certainly would not extend such a warm invitation. Here are some potential scripts for radio ads that might run in the rare instance that an empty seat is available at an SEC stadium outside the Nashville, Tenn., city limits:
Alabama at LSU: "Alabama fans, don't miss your chance to see a recent national championship trophy up close. Bear Bryant isn't coming back, but you can come eat some gumbo and watch another coach famous for his hat call an ill-advised fourth-quarter pass that will inevitably break your black, coach-stealing hearts."
Tennessee at Georgia (even years): "Attention toothless hillbillies, please come to Sanford Stadium on Saturday to watch your team get destroyed. Leave your band at home. We're really sick of that song. We don't need musical accompaniment to know that you get your corn from a jar."
Georgia at Tennessee (odd years): "Attention toothless hillbillies, please come to Neyland Stadium on Saturday to watch your team get destroyed. Leave your band at home. You do realize your fight song is just The Battle Hymn of the Republic with different words, don't you? Or maybe it's I've Been Workin' on the Railroad. You'd think that the college town that gave us REM and the B-52s could come up with an original fight song."
South Carolina at Florida: "Gamecocks fans, come on down to The Swamp and watch your coach chuck his visor as the program he built demolishes you again. Our fans will roll out the welcome mat for you. In fact, there hasn't been a documented case of a Florida fan pouring urine on an opposing fan in more than 10 years. But just in case you want to blend in, pack your jean shorts."
Auburn at Alabama: "Hey Auburn fans, hop on your John Deere tractors and make your way to Tuscaloosa to watch a whipping the likes of which you've never seen. We get it. You've won six in a row. We're actually surprised you could count that high. But the reign of Barner terror ends Saturday."