• 12/09/2008, 09:53AM ET

Zingers Tourney Round 2: What Year Will the Leafs Win Their Next Stanley Cup - and Why?

Saint T-Fo (160-63-15) vs PissOff (234-129-21)

This topic was obviously posed by our brethren to the North after one too many Tuborg Golds.

It is impossible to pin a year for a win on a team that has not sipped from the Cup since the first Nixon Administration....(or the "Pierre Trudeau years" for those who eat ham and call it bacon).

No, the task at hand requires more the identification of what "era" the Leafs will win the cup.

And I don't mean player eras, like the Gretzky Era...

I'm talking SCIENTIFIC know, Mesozoic Era, Paleozoic Era...(or what stowe refers to as his "Wonder Years").

A TD like this requires pure conjecture and must be completely devoid of relevant facts - just like one of David's arguments.

This era will surely be the next Ice Age. Since stowe will be the oldest thing left alive, I will identify it as the Stowezoic Era.

Interesting sidebar - stowe will survive by hollowing out and living in Porkin's frozen corpse - where there was space enough for a 4 room cottage, Frank's dog Rambo, and a family of coyotes (down Pitt!).

That leaves the "why" to answer. It involves John Candy, the Gambino family, Joe Carter and multiple viewings of "The Love Guru".

More to come...

I've consulted Cowboys fans, Dolphins fans, Knicks fans, and Pirates fans to ask them what they use to try to figure out when their team would win another championship, in an attempt to find a formula to argue this, and I get the same reation I get when I ask Peachy to define "Legitimate Argument".......a glazed stare. Oh now I've done it. Porkins has stopped reading and is headed to Krispy Kream.....I said glazed.

So since none of them can help figure out when the Leafs could possibly win another championship, I've decided to list things that will happen BEFORE they do. I figure that when these things happen, the next thing on the list will have to be the Leafs kissing the cup.

So I present, the top 10 things that will happen BEFORE the Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup:

10. The NFL Hall of Fame Committee will convene, and after a long discussion announce that juuustttt maybe they were a little hasty in voting John Elway in before Cris Carter.

9. Professional sports will find a player broke a rule, suspend them, and they WILL NOT be on the field the following game.

8. All American soccer players will band together and show bconngemini the true power of a kick.

A top 10 list? A TOP TEN list???

You could give a roomful of monkeys (I said DOWN, Pitt!) a roomful of typewriters, and in 10 years they...strike could give a single marmot the back of a shovel and a lump of charcoal and he could scratch out something better than that in 3 minutes.

I'm also surprised it took so long for you to respond.

I guess you were lost in granted, that is unfamiliar territory for you.

Prepare to get smoked like stowe on a pack of Newports....interesting fact about stowe:

It turns out he's lived so long BECAUSE of all the cigarettes. All that smoke has actually cured his flesh like a Smithfield ham. The double bonus is that when he finally does die, they won't have to bury him, they'll just serve him spiral-sliced.

Oops. There goes Porkins again....mmmm, ham.

Now look. This is supposed to be a serious TD; so in argument 3, you'll get the details of the great conspiracy that led to the downfall of Toronto's beloved Leafs.

Suffice to say that John Gotti was a Yankees fan, and "not pleased" when Toronto won the World Series.

Im talking about...yep...The Curse of the Gambino...

I know, with a top 10 list you have to be able to count...and backwards at that. Try this, it might help. Wait til noon, then take all the money your mom made servicing the cooking staff at the Waffle House, and you should have ten dimes in your hand. Then take away one dime for every post I put in the arguments, and you should be able to keep up.

Or you could get the same results by taking all of the legitimate throwdown wins CCC has. You know, the ones that don't include "Hey, you said "is" when you mean "was", so I should win".

So with that, you should have removed three dimes so far, meaning we're down to #7:

7. Al Davis will call a press conference and admit that he hates the Raiders more than Frank hates "skoolin", and that he has finally succeeded in destroying them from the inside.

6. A new Joran-Thomas rule will be instituted in the NBA that simply says "Former players, upon retirement, should not be trusted with personnel decisions at any time, for any reason".

5. NASCAR drivers will be required to complete a basic fitness exam, to include situps and push ups, to prove that, if required, they could actually complete an athletic event without dying.

Ok, I was all set to reveal the Gambino plan, but Frank offered me $10,000 for the filmed evidence I have for his conspiracy theory **** collection.

Let's get to the long and short of it - which is what my mom says when stowe comes over...except not the long part.

Surely you Canadians must realize that your chief export to the United States is comedians and singers, right? Except you keep sneaking in inferior goods, then closing the border. You know what I'm talking about...

Howie Mandel
Celine Dion


This is how you repay kindness and free trade? So, we took hockey. Fair is fair.

Ah well, to fill the requirements of the TD, let's go back to the future. 1,000 years from now.

The US is a barren icy tundra save for Porkin's bloated corpse stuffed with stowe. Out of the frozen north comes a band of human survivors - Torontonians on skates.

With hockey sticks (well just sticks really), they score an empty net goal (literally empty), and whoop and cry. They carry home a battered and tarnished Stanley Cup after all these years. 1,000 of them.

But no one cheers, no one cares.

Actually, this could happen tomorrow.

Frank? $10,000? His trailer didn't cost $10,000! Frank coming up with $10,000 is like me coming up with child support for Jonesy's kid. Of course, if Frank would pay his child support, his sister could pay her bills.

The Leafs winning the Stanley Cup is like Fizz having relations with a "real" woman. Talked about a lot over the internet, but usually followed with an LOL at the end. Except for when the discussion is about how it MIGHT happen that night, and then it ends with ROTFLMAO.

Speaking of Fizz, I had to call both him and his "partner" Agrippa last night. My computer was broken, and I figured that Fizz would know how to fix it so where I could type everything with just one hand. Then I locked my keys in my car, and I figured if anyone knew how to break in to it, it would the Messican. Computer and car working fine today sir! Its nice having friends with skillz.

Sorry, we're supposed to be talking about the Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup...

.....Oh who am I kidding. This TD just can't be argued. A Canadian team winning America's Stanley Cup again? The only way that is going to happen is if you put the word "former" before Canadian.


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