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87
  • 07/03/2011, 11:29PM ET

Someday I'm going to have a 4th of July party, and there'll be a petting zoo.

Slinkton Jr. (1-1-0) vs williewilliejuan (47-5-2)
2
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13
Votes
2
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13
Votes


Contemplate that, ****.


No you won't, and you know why.

Your probation specifically prohibits anything that will be an "attractor" to young children.

No petting zoos. No panel vans. No dressing up like a clown and cruising the mall's children corral. No animatronic rats singing country tunes while the adults drink cheap pitchers of beer and eat cardboard pizza.

No fashioning an Easter basket over your nether regions. No dressing up like Santa and heading out to the local park in the middle of summer. No turning your Ford Escort into an "ice cream car" to see if the kiddies will chase you. No borrowing your neighbor's puppy and hanging out at the playground.

You can't buy candy in bulk or fill your living room with stuffed animals. You can't hire Justin Bieber to sing at your birthday party. You can't construct a suit out of a gross of yellow sponges to look like SpongeBob. No inviting Chris Hanson over for a barbecue just so you can pump him for details of his next sting.

So, you aren't going to have a petting zoo on the fourth of July. You just can't.


I'm not on probation.

There'll be a slip-n-slide, too.

















































































1,200 characters is an assload of characters.


Probation, parole. To-may-to, to-mah-to

I don't want to know what you'll use to lubricate that slip-n-slide, but that is probably a violation as well. I know you aren't allowed to use the word "assload" or (heaven forbid) give someone one.

Some other terms you aren't allowed to use (just to set the record straight):

- Cleveland Steamer
- Dirty Sanchez
- Alabama Hot Pocket
- Strawberry Shortcake
- Hot Carl
- Alaskan Firedragon
- Mississippi Meathook
- Alaskan Pipeline
- Rusty Trombone
- Maui Mudslide
- Donkey Punch
- Angry Pirate
- Sasquatch
- LeBron James
- Panamanian Petting Zoo
- Kentucky Klondike Bar

So, don't even try it. Children could be watching. The authorities could be watching. It just isn't worth the risk.


There'll also be a tractor pulling an open trailer full of hay and an angry, Cuban clown who's there to give Mongolian Gas Pedals to the ladies.






























































This party's gonna be **** awesome.


Why do you want to go and lie to the good people of FanNation? We all know that there's no "Cuban Clown". It's you. It has always been you and your efforts to disguise your true self.

Here's you in your clown getup:



Here's you at Easter:



Christmas:



Hanukkah:



And Halloween:



Every season, every holiday, it's always the same thing. For once, please just think about the children. But not in that way.

July 3, 2011  11:33 PM ET

Someone has been drinking

July 3, 2011  11:35 PM ET
QUOTE(#1):

Someone has been drinking

Would you like to pet The Goat?

July 3, 2011  11:39 PM ET

Dude, you better not have taken this TD, and then gazed upon my unsoiled record and chickened out.

July 3, 2011  11:43 PM ET

Because I will pet that **** chicken's feathers right off.

July 3, 2011  11:48 PM ET
QUOTE(#3):

Dude, you better not have taken this TD, and then gazed upon my unsoiled record and chickened out.

Take that! You don't scare me!!

July 3, 2011  11:52 PM ET

I feel violated.

July 3, 2011  11:53 PM ET

Am I invited?

Is my nickname still cupcake?

Do you dislike me?

Comment #8 has been removed
July 3, 2011  11:55 PM ET

Jim will be mentioned in this TD.

July 3, 2011  11:55 PM ET

Only 4 kids were hurt in the making of this TD.

Thank you.

Comment #11 has been removed
July 3, 2011  11:58 PM ET
QUOTE(#10):

Only 4 kids were hurt in the making of this TD.Thank you.

Not hurt hurt, but they'll have some issues to work through later.

July 4, 2011  12:02 AM ET
QUOTE(#11):

Jim and Slinky are not allowed to socialize with each other.

Who the **** is this guy?

July 4, 2011  12:04 AM ET

This refreshing **** is for the birds. Let's get this **** to 21, stat.

July 4, 2011  12:05 AM ET
QUOTE(#14):

This refreshing **** is for the birds. Let's get this **** to 21, stat.

Agreed

July 4, 2011  12:05 AM ET
QUOTE(#14):

This refreshing **** is for the birds. Let's get this **** to 21, stat.

You ignored my comment!

Also, you know you can get past the fucking censors, right?

July 4, 2011  12:05 AM ET

Too far with the first argument?

July 4, 2011  12:06 AM ET

It's hard to see the line until you cross it.

July 4, 2011  12:07 AM ET
QUOTE:

I love petting zoos.

I knew you would.

 
July 4, 2011  12:07 AM ET

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