- 07/03/2011, 11:29PM ET
williewilliejuan said 07/03, 11:46 PM
No you won't, and you know why.
Your probation specifically prohibits anything that will be an "attractor" to young children.
No petting zoos. No panel vans. No dressing up like a clown and cruising the mall's children corral. No animatronic rats singing country tunes while the adults drink cheap pitchers of beer and eat cardboard pizza.
No fashioning an Easter basket over your nether regions. No dressing up like Santa and heading out to the local park in the middle of summer. No turning your Ford Escort into an "ice cream car" to see if the kiddies will chase you. No borrowing your neighbor's puppy and hanging out at the playground.
You can't buy candy in bulk or fill your living room with stuffed animals. You can't hire Justin Bieber to sing at your birthday party. You can't construct a suit out of a gross of yellow sponges to look like SpongeBob. No inviting Chris Hanson over for a barbecue just so you can pump him for details of his next sting.
So, you aren't going to have a petting zoo on the fourth of July. You just can't.
SlinkyRedfoot said 07/04, 12:21 AM
I'm not on probation.
There'll be a slip-n-slide, too.
1,200 characters is an assload of characters.
williewilliejuan said 07/04, 12:44 AM
Probation, parole. To-may-to, to-mah-to
I don't want to know what you'll use to lubricate that slip-n-slide, but that is probably a violation as well. I know you aren't allowed to use the word "assload" or (heaven forbid) give someone one.
Some other terms you aren't allowed to use (just to set the record straight):
- Cleveland Steamer
- Dirty Sanchez
- Alabama Hot Pocket
- Strawberry Shortcake
- Hot Carl
- Alaskan Firedragon
- Mississippi Meathook
- Alaskan Pipeline
- Rusty Trombone
- Maui Mudslide
- Donkey Punch
- Angry Pirate
- LeBron James
- Panamanian Petting Zoo
- Kentucky Klondike Bar
So, don't even try it. Children could be watching. The authorities could be watching. It just isn't worth the risk.
SlinkyRedfoot said 07/04, 09:28 PM
There'll also be a tractor pulling an open trailer full of hay and an angry, Cuban clown who's there to give Mongolian Gas Pedals to the ladies.
This party's gonna be **** awesome.
williewilliejuan said 07/04, 11:58 PM
Why do you want to go and lie to the good people of FanNation? We all know that there's no "Cuban Clown". It's you. It has always been you and your efforts to disguise your true self.
Here's you in your clown getup:
Here's you at Easter:
Every season, every holiday, it's always the same thing. For once, please just think about the children. But not in that way.
- Fantasy baseball Injury Report: Cueto returns, Price hits the DL
- Fantasy baseball Stat Focus: Cabrera's wOBA proves dominance
- Fantasy baseball Trade Tips: It's time to sell Rickie Weeks
- Fantasy baseball Pitching Report: Odorizzi a worthy option
- Fantasy baseball Roundtable: Is Cardinals' pitching slowing?
- Awful Announcing
- Free Darko
- Pro Football Talk
- The Big Lead
- Joe Posnanski
- The Sporting Blog
- Big League Stew
- Bugs and Cranks
- Every day Should Be Saturday
- Mr. Irrelevant
- With Leather
- The Sports Hernia