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  • 06/17/2012, 11:54PM ET

Which athletes have made a deal with the Devil?

Marlins Fan (156-78-31) vs Grue (43-9-3)
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Ok, this is supposed to be more fun than real, obviously. I don't know if people can really make deals with the Devil and such, and neither do you. Anyhoo, pick one athlete per argument and present your case as to why you think that particular player may have made a deal with Satan. If you don't understand the concept just finish reading this argument and hopefully you'll comprehend it.

My first pick is Tiger Woods. Here's why: the guy isn't old enough to suck this bad, and he's far enough removed from his divorce scandal and subsequent hiatus that he should be back in the groove. But even though he shows flashes of brilliance occasionally he still sucks, overall.

So what happened? My theory is he's always been an average golfer but the Devil gave him a 15 year run (or so) of dominance, with the caveat that at a certain point his life would fall to crap and his golf game would take a major nose dive.

We're talking about a golfer who at one point was simultaneously the A)world's most dominant athlete, B)the world's richest athlete, and C)the world's most popular athlete. Now he's just some schmoe who may or may not make a putt.

It was the Devil, I tell ya.


Before the Devil went Down to Georgia, he meandered East from the wind-swept plains of Oklahoma in 1903.

In his travels, he came across a poor, young man, son of a farmer and a Pottawatomie Indian. The Devil plyed upon the poverty and tragedy in the young man's life - his twin brother had died at the age of 9.

The Devil said, "Son, you have talent. I can make you the Greatest Athlete in the world. You'll gain fame around the world and be revered for a century!"

Over the next seven years, the world's greatest athlete became an All-American, joined various leagues in baseball, basketball, and football. At the age of 24, he set records in the 1912 Olympic games with gold in the pentahalon and decathalon.

The Devil kept his promise but the medals were stripped in 1913.

He played baseball and football professionally, hopping through 4 MLB teams and 6 football teams, and 3 wives. A great athlete, but never an icon revered in one place like Babe Ruth. He was named the "greatest overall male athlete" in 1950 and died in 1953 at 58 years old from a heart attack.

The Devil kept his promise to, Jim Thorpe.
But he always took it away again.


The second Devil-dealing athlete I would like to mention is Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Jr. has it all; hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank (an estimated net worth of $300 million, which is probably fairly conservative); a pretty girlfriend, whom he allegedly stole from a NCAA football coach who was formerly married to the young lady; he's on the radio, he's been in movies, he's been on TV; several endorsement deals; and he's Nascar's most popular driver by far, having won The Most Popular Driver Award a staggering nine times.

But that Most Popular Driver Award is about all he's won. Before winning at Michigan a few days ago, Earnhardt was mired in a 4-year-long, 143 race winless streak.

Matter of fact he's only won 19 out of his 450 career starts. Just as a matter of comparison, Jeff Gordon has 85 career wins (albeit in more career starts )and Jimmie Johnson has 57, in less career starts than Earnhardt, Jr.

There is an overwhelming disparity between Jr's (lack of) career success and his popularity/financial situation and his on-the-track results.

So what's the deal? How is he so rich and famous when he's an average driver, at best?

The Devil.


Jr. seems like a good guy from a good family with a dead dad. Maybe Gordon signed the deal instead?

Popularity and success in sports are often polar opposites. When decency trumps success, then you have a good chance Hollywood was involved. When success trumps human decency, then almost certainly the Devil was involved.

Satan works in mysterious ways sometimes. But other times he's just so blatantly obvious that it mocks all things good in the world.

My second choice is the nefarious Barry Bonds. He didn't even need to sign a contract. The Devil whispers, "Take the Roids, Barry!" is sneaky red font (because he's the Devil and not a cheap way to draw attention).



The Devil seductively coos, "Hit more home runs, Barry. Big contracts. Hot women. Countless Throwdowns in your name! Nobody likes you, Mr. Bonds. You'll show them! You'll make them all pay!"

Bonds says, "What do I have to do Satan?"

Satan says, "Bend over and I'll show you."

"OW!" Bonds winces. "What's that?"

Satan smiles and winks, "Flaxseed Oil"


My third Devil dealer is Miroslav Satan, of course.

Do I really need to explain this one to anyone?

Well I'll give it a whirl anyway. Dude was a pretty good scorer, if not prolific, but the main reason he's on this list has nothing to do with his athletic accomplishments. I mean his freaking name is SATAN!!

Pretty obvious he has some connections with Lucifer although I'm not quite sure what exactly they may be. That's all I got, folks.

Anyhoo, I had fun with this one, so thanks Grue. I was entertained reading your arguments as well, and that doesn't happen frequently so kudos for that.

Hope some of the readers had fun with this one too.

GL


Our idle hands end our tour of the Devil's playground here in 2012. We've traveled from the turn of the 20th century to the turn of the 21st Century and the patterns are obvious.

The movie Damn Yankees! (1958) featured an average Joe who sold his soul to the Devil so his Washington Senators could win the pennant and defeat the hated Yankees. Joe became an instant star, an unknown who caught national media attention overnight, and led an amazing turnaround.

The Devil is not original. He was obviously up to his old tricks in 2012.

An average Jeremy, playing sparingly in the NBA D-League, jumped into the spolight in February 2012. Linsanity swept across America as the hapless Knicks went on a miracle winning streak. LeBron/Heat = Mantle/Yankees. Just like the movie!

The only explanation for the national frenzy: Jeremy was Lindentured into serving the dark one.

But Jeremy Lin is a devout Christian, you say. Well if I signed a pact with Devil for instant fame and then regretted it, I think I'd become pretty devout too. "Yo, JC! Little help over here!". So Christ helped Lin, and the Knicks went back to sucking.

The End.

June 18, 2012  03:04 AM ET

LOL, very original MFer!

IMO, Tiger finally looked his age this weekend. I don't think he can sustain using his long irons off the tee for 3 straight days and maintain his accuracy. For 2 days he was able to hit long irons off the fairway with precision, but on moving day Saturday, I never thought that Father Time could catch up to him.

IMO, he needed to trust his driver or 3 wood and give him a chance at using shorter irons. Those long irons off the fairway on the third day killed him, he looked dead armed tired. Tiger should have read the fine print of his contract with the Devil.

June 18, 2012  09:07 AM ET

The opposite....the deal with the Devil was struck by Elin....everytime Tiger starts to get back, the wheels fall off and he has to start over again...

LOL

June 18, 2012  09:48 AM ET

Any players who had a contract with the George Steinbrenner Yankmees!!!! ;-)

June 18, 2012  10:32 AM ET

So watching hold that trophy up a couple of weeks ago, plus his leading the US Open after the 2nd round, and a solid 21st place finish overall on one of the toughest courses in the country....means he sucks? Call me when any of you shoot a golf round under 80 on a municipal course, let alone the US Open.

June 18, 2012  10:47 AM ET
QUOTE(#4):

So watching hold that trophy up a couple of weeks ago, plus his leading the US Open after the 2nd round, and a solid 21st place finish overall on one of the toughest courses in the country....means he sucks? Call me when any of you shoot a golf round under 80 on a municipal course, let alone the US Open.

21st place is solid?

June 18, 2012  12:22 PM ET
QUOTE(#5):

21st place is solid?

yes it is considering it is the top golfers in the world.

June 18, 2012  12:59 PM ET
QUOTE(#6):

yes it is considering it is the top golfers in the world.

OK, so he sucks compared to what he was. Everything is relative.

Comment #8 has been removed
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June 18, 2012  06:49 PM ET
QUOTE(#5):

21st place is solid?

In a US open? It damn sure is. 151 players qualified for the Open. That means 130 finished worse than Tiger did. Seems pretty 'solid' to me.

June 18, 2012  06:57 PM ET
QUOTE(#7):

OK, so he sucks compared to what he was. Everything is relative.

Winning isn't as simple as people think it is. Tiger won the open in '02 then finished 20th and 17th the next two years followed by 2nd in 2005 then missed the cut in '06 before another 2nd in '07 and a win in '08. He's missed the cut in all 4 majors at various times.

He doesn't come anywhere close to sucking now, if anything he's making a pretty amazing comeback, but obviously that was tongue in cheek from MF.

June 18, 2012  07:02 PM ET
QUOTE(#5):

21st place is solid?

Not for the #4 ranked golfer in the world.

June 18, 2012  07:03 PM ET
QUOTE(#4):

Call me when any of you shoot a golf round under 80 on a municipal course, let alone the US Open.

That's just stupid. So since you ASSUME nobody has broken 80 on a munie (you'd be wrong, I was a scratch golfer on a championship course and once made it to the second round of qualifying for an open) means people can't form a viable opinion on the sport?

I guess we should ignore everything you ever again say about any professional athlete because since you've never played professionally you obviously don't have a clue what you're talking about, right?

June 18, 2012  07:05 PM ET
QUOTE(#12):

Not for the #4 ranked golfer in the world.

The way golf rankings are figured is an absolute joke. It's intended to encourage the top players to play more often, but they hold no real meaning at all.

June 18, 2012  07:05 PM ET

The devil came to Georgia first damnit and he's still here in the form of Michael "Outlaw" Spudy Rich.

Comment #16 has been removed
June 18, 2012  07:18 PM ET
QUOTE(#11):

Winning isn't as simple as people think it is. Tiger won the open in '02 then finished 20th and 17th the next two years followed by 2nd in 2005 then missed the cut in '06 before another 2nd in '07 and a win in '08. He's missed the cut in all 4 majors at various times. He doesn't come anywhere close to sucking now, if anything he's making a pretty amazing comeback, but obviously that was tongue in cheek from MF.

This is one of the reasons i have Jack #1 all time. He was way more consistent.

June 18, 2012  07:50 PM ET

The Devil has me leaning right.

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