- 06/17/2012, 11:54PM ET
Marlins Fan said 06/17, 11:54 PM
Ok, this is supposed to be more fun than real, obviously. I don't know if people can really make deals with the Devil and such, and neither do you. Anyhoo, pick one athlete per argument and present your case as to why you think that particular player may have made a deal with Satan. If you don't understand the concept just finish reading this argument and hopefully you'll comprehend it.
My first pick is Tiger Woods. Here's why: the guy isn't old enough to suck this bad, and he's far enough removed from his divorce scandal and subsequent hiatus that he should be back in the groove. But even though he shows flashes of brilliance occasionally he still sucks, overall.
So what happened? My theory is he's always been an average golfer but the Devil gave him a 15 year run (or so) of dominance, with the caveat that at a certain point his life would fall to crap and his golf game would take a major nose dive.
We're talking about a golfer who at one point was simultaneously the A)world's most dominant athlete, B)the world's richest athlete, and C)the world's most popular athlete. Now he's just some schmoe who may or may not make a putt.
It was the Devil, I tell ya.
Grue said 06/18, 05:36 PM
Before the Devil went Down to Georgia, he meandered East from the wind-swept plains of Oklahoma in 1903.
In his travels, he came across a poor, young man, son of a farmer and a Pottawatomie Indian. The Devil plyed upon the poverty and tragedy in the young man's life - his twin brother had died at the age of 9.
The Devil said, "Son, you have talent. I can make you the Greatest Athlete in the world. You'll gain fame around the world and be revered for a century!"
Over the next seven years, the world's greatest athlete became an All-American, joined various leagues in baseball, basketball, and football. At the age of 24, he set records in the 1912 Olympic games with gold in the pentahalon and decathalon.
The Devil kept his promise but the medals were stripped in 1913.
He played baseball and football professionally, hopping through 4 MLB teams and 6 football teams, and 3 wives. A great athlete, but never an icon revered in one place like Babe Ruth. He was named the "greatest overall male athlete" in 1950 and died in 1953 at 58 years old from a heart attack.
The Devil kept his promise to, Jim Thorpe.
But he always took it away again.
Marlins Fan said 06/18, 11:08 PM
The second Devil-dealing athlete I would like to mention is Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Jr. has it all; hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank (an estimated net worth of $300 million, which is probably fairly conservative); a pretty girlfriend, whom he allegedly stole from a NCAA football coach who was formerly married to the young lady; he's on the radio, he's been in movies, he's been on TV; several endorsement deals; and he's Nascar's most popular driver by far, having won The Most Popular Driver Award a staggering nine times.
But that Most Popular Driver Award is about all he's won. Before winning at Michigan a few days ago, Earnhardt was mired in a 4-year-long, 143 race winless streak.
Matter of fact he's only won 19 out of his 450 career starts. Just as a matter of comparison, Jeff Gordon has 85 career wins (albeit in more career starts )and Jimmie Johnson has 57, in less career starts than Earnhardt, Jr.
There is an overwhelming disparity between Jr's (lack of) career success and his popularity/financial situation and his on-the-track results.
So what's the deal? How is he so rich and famous when he's an average driver, at best?
Grue said 06/19, 09:50 AM
Jr. seems like a good guy from a good family with a dead dad. Maybe Gordon signed the deal instead?
Popularity and success in sports are often polar opposites. When decency trumps success, then you have a good chance Hollywood was involved. When success trumps human decency, then almost certainly the Devil was involved.
Satan works in mysterious ways sometimes. But other times he's just so blatantly obvious that it mocks all things good in the world.
My second choice is the nefarious Barry Bonds. He didn't even need to sign a contract. The Devil whispers, "Take the Roids, Barry!" is sneaky red font (because he's the Devil and not a cheap way to draw attention).
The Devil seductively coos, "Hit more home runs, Barry. Big contracts. Hot women. Countless Throwdowns in your name! Nobody likes you, Mr. Bonds. You'll show them! You'll make them all pay!"
Bonds says, "What do I have to do Satan?"
Satan says, "Bend over and I'll show you."
"OW!" Bonds winces. "What's that?"
Satan smiles and winks, "Flaxseed Oil"
Marlins Fan said 06/20, 12:28 AM
My third Devil dealer is Miroslav Satan, of course.
Do I really need to explain this one to anyone?
Well I'll give it a whirl anyway. Dude was a pretty good scorer, if not prolific, but the main reason he's on this list has nothing to do with his athletic accomplishments. I mean his freaking name is SATAN!!
Pretty obvious he has some connections with Lucifer although I'm not quite sure what exactly they may be. That's all I got, folks.
Anyhoo, I had fun with this one, so thanks Grue. I was entertained reading your arguments as well, and that doesn't happen frequently so kudos for that.
Hope some of the readers had fun with this one too.
Grue said 06/20, 09:13 AM
Our idle hands end our tour of the Devil's playground here in 2012. We've traveled from the turn of the 20th century to the turn of the 21st Century and the patterns are obvious.
The movie Damn Yankees! (1958) featured an average Joe who sold his soul to the Devil so his Washington Senators could win the pennant and defeat the hated Yankees. Joe became an instant star, an unknown who caught national media attention overnight, and led an amazing turnaround.
The Devil is not original. He was obviously up to his old tricks in 2012.
An average Jeremy, playing sparingly in the NBA D-League, jumped into the spolight in February 2012. Linsanity swept across America as the hapless Knicks went on a miracle winning streak. LeBron/Heat = Mantle/Yankees. Just like the movie!
The only explanation for the national frenzy: Jeremy was Lindentured into serving the dark one.
But Jeremy Lin is a devout Christian, you say. Well if I signed a pact with Devil for instant fame and then regretted it, I think I'd become pretty devout too. "Yo, JC! Little help over here!". So Christ helped Lin, and the Knicks went back to sucking.
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